Aaron Stone Recap - Episode 1
Hero Rising: Part 1 - Charlie Landers is recruited by the Star League to defend the frontier against Xur and the Ko-Dan armada. Or not.
The show begins in what looks like Times Square with two giant billboards which read: “HERO RISING: It's not just a game (It's a way of life)”. The camera pans across to another billboard advertising Hero Rising with the various game avatars flickering across the screen. One avatar is an Asian with Maori-inspired style facial tattoos and black lips. A man dressed in dark clothes and a long black trench coat runs into view and stops so we can see that he looks just like the video game character. Darth LOL takes off running from a man wearing a black turtleneck and a gray trench coat. Using a transmitter on his wrist he tells his boss that “they” have the toxin and he is in pursuit. We only are only shown the back of his the boss' head but he looks and sounds like Samuel Jackson. Poor man's Samuel Jackson warns him that if the toxin is released it's all over. He adds that Darth LOL whose actual name is “Soul Jacker” is deadly.
The chase ends with Darth LOL taking a flying leap over a parked car and getting tackled by gray trench coat guy. He fumbles a silver canister which is obviously the toxin. The canister rolls into one of those dancing-water fountain plazas. The gray trench coat guy picks it up and Darth LOL brandishes a pair of batons, or short staffs; I don't know. “I don't wanna hurt you!” The gray trench coat guy shouts. If only they had gotten Jason Smith to play this guy and had him say, “I don't want any trouble”! Darth LOL whacks him a few times and forces him to drop the plot device. Gray coat guy grabs a conveniently placed pole and uses it as a staff. The two duel in the middle of the fountain. A strike from Darth LOL snaps gray coat guy's pole in half, giving him a pair of batons. The fight ends with gray coat guy going down.
Darth LOL takes the communicator and uses it to gloat to PMSJ, whose actual name is “Mr. Hall”. The video image of Darth LOL appears in a screen in the top of PMSJ's desk. The image turns to snow and PMSJ flicks it away like the magic map on CNN. He summons “Stan”, whose wingtips we see walking toward PMSJ's fancy executive desk. Stan turns out to be a skinny bald white man in a suit. PMSJ informs him that “Dark Owl” has been “compromised”, which I guess means he's dead. He tells Stan to go fetch the only player he has left: Aaron Stone. Stan departs on his mission and PMSJ starts fiddling with the touchscreen controls and monitor built into the glass top of his desk. Above the words “Hall Industries” the “Hero Rising” logo appears on the video screen. Ever wonder what corporate executives do in those offices all day? Now you know.
Elsewhere: A High School basketball game is in the last few minutes of the fourth quarter. After making a goal the visiting team is ahead by two points. In the crowd we see a middle-aged woman with a perm and a kid in a tacky Hawaiian shirt who resembles Douche Poser cheering. In the last five seconds of the game a handsome young man who looks like Shia LaBeouf on steroids has the ball. LaBuff hesitates and the woman and kid cheer for him (his real name is Charlie). Now with barely a second left (and inexplicably no call for holding) LaBuff finally takes his shot in over-dramatic slow motion like this is “Hoosier's” or something. And it's nothing but… FAIL. Having lost the game LaBuff clasps his hands behind the back of his head so we can see his biceps in that sleeveless jersey. Meanwhile behind the bleachers Stantauri, who is wearing dark sunglasses which contain a transmitter, reports to PMSJ that he has found “the target”.
The opening credits roll giving us the following information (in bold):
Aaron Stone - starring:
Kelly Blatz - He's 21 and looks about 25 but plays teen-aged “Charlie Landers” whose video game avatar is “Aaron Stone”. Trivia: He dated Blake Lively
Tania Gunadi - She plays Emma, the girl next door; literally.
David Lambert - He's Charlie's younger brother Jason.
J. P. Manoux - He's done a lot of Disney stuff including the voice of “Kuzco” in “The Emperor's New School”, “Phil of the Future” and the TV movie “Minutemen”. In this show he is “Stan”, a robot assistant to the mysterious “Mr. Hall”.
LaBuff strolls the darkened hallway of his school after the big game is over now wearing street clothes with a gym bag slung over his shoulder and holding a basketball. The lights go out and there's a swoosh behind him that gets his attention. Suddenly it's “Are You Afraid of the Dark” time. He says, “hello” and there's no answer. He continues down the hall without noticing Stantauri who is standing against one of the classroom doors still wearing his dark sunglasses. LaBuff, who feels like he's being watched, looks back over his shoulder. Stantauri has mysteriously disappeared! LaBuff continues down the hall. He flicks on the light switch and suddenly a hand grabs his shoulder startling him. It turns out to be just his goofy brother and his mom. This guy must think he's a younger version of Ashton Kutcher. Does that mean he'll date the girls who are too young for Ashton? Anywho, LaBuff threatens vengeance on Ash Hat but mom tells them to tone down the BroYay! if they want her to make them hamburgers for dinner. She would anyway, but you know. LaBuff says that all the choking he did on the basketball court makes him not want to put food in his mouth any time soon. That and he's been invited to a party at a friends house. LaMaman is strangely happy that her son is going to a party. He must not get invited to parties a lot. Anywho, LaMaman tells him to have fun as she walks away.
Ash Hat hangs back to say he doesn't blame him for not wanting to spend a night at home with his mom and a home cooked meal. He suddenly has an epiphany and says that what LaBuff really plans to do is stay up all night playing Hero Rising. I guess the moral of this story is: If you can't win at life, win at video games! LaBuff bribes his brother into covering for him by promising to show him how to advance past a “Helix's army of genetically altered snake men”. I mention the details of the game here even though it sounds really cheesy because at some point in the series things mentioned in throwaway lines like this will likely appear as a villain or another reference. Anyway, the brother says it's a deal and LaMaman calls for “Jason” to hurry the fuck up already. LaBuff tells Ash Hat to “have fun” with a shit-eating grin on his face. As LaBuff strolls the hallways Stan glides around a corner to stalk him. Creepy; and not in the “Are You Afraid of the Dark” way either.
Later that night: LaBuff enters his bedroom and boots up his computer; because we always shut down our systems when we're away. After tossing his gym bag on the bed he puts on a headset and watches the flat-screen monitor which displays the Hero Rising opening sequence. The flash video says (in the voice of PMSJ) that seven “genetically enhanced evil geniuses” have teamed up to form “The Omega Defiance” in order to conquer Earth. So on and so forth. He lets out a squeal of delight and plops down in his chair. Something catches his attention outside the window. In the window of the house next door a teenage girl is voyeuristically watching LaBuff. As do you. He waves awkwardly at her. LaPeep is also wearing a headset which allows her to eavesdrop on LaBuff. She removes her headset and walks right up to her window and waves back at him with a big grin on her face. LaPeep lowers her blinds so as not to be a distraction. That way she might get a more candid view of LaBuff. For his part, LaBuff is not quite at ease enough to do a striptease in front of his window for his neighbor and returns to his game. The intro ends with PMSJ saying: “The world is in desperate need of a hero to rise up and save it. Will that be you?” LaBuff answers in the affirmative on behalf of his character which he calls Aaron Stone.
The screen displays a Japanese street scene, reminiscent of “Street Fighter”. The Aaron Stone character, a stout-chested square-jawed man dressed in black spandex and body armor. An icon for the type of shoe Aaron Stone is wearing. Another icon appears for the weapon on Aaron Stone's forearm. LaBuff announces, via his headset, that Aaron Stone is on the scene. The icons disappear and Aaron stone turns to face a blond-haired man in green spandex and body armor. The player controlling the the green character is an Indian kid, who asks what took him so long. An Asian female character in pink and black and wielding a “mezzaluna” blade is with them. She is the alter ego of another Indian guy (heh) who is wearing a black skater helmet. He says that the timely appearance of Aaron Stone is really going to save their asses. LaBuff addresses the players according to their avatar names (the green guy is “Vesuvius” and the chick is “Lotus” who I will refer to as Green Ken and Chun-Li respectively) and tells them it's clobberin' time!
The opponent just happens to be Darth LOL. He makes quick work of Chun-Li and takes aim at Green Ken. We see Vijay and Sanjay working the game controls. LaBuff swears that Darth LOL ain't getting him no-suh. Aaron Stone takes a flying leap onto the wall of a nearby building like he's Spider Man thanks to Aaron's Flubber Soles, and fires back at Darth LOL. LaBuff lets out a squeal of delight as he directs Aaron to use the Flubber Soles to bounce off the street and across to side of another building. LaBuff psyches himself up and Aaron shoots a zip line from the utilicuff in order to swing down like Errol Flynn and plant both Flubber Soles into Darth LOL's kisser. Aaron stands stoically as if making a heroic pose. Vijay congratulates LaBuff on a job well done and envies the utilicuff. LaBuff assures him he will get one in time. Vijay laments that his great-grandchildren will have great-grandchildren still playing Hero Rising before Green Ken gets that far.
Vijay tells LaBuff that the Legion of Dumb (aka Omega Defiance) is gaining strength and now starts to harass them as soon as they enter the game. Isn't that the point of an action-based on-line video game? This isn't Civilization IV you know. Sanjay whines that he is running out of “invisibility sheilds”. LaBuff tells them to man-up and face the growing threat of the Legion of Dumb if he wants to advance. That sentence reads more like a description of office politics than an on-line interactive game. Anywho, LaBuff adds that he's not seen hide nor hair of Chun-Li for days. Sanjay explains that his brother, who he describes as a blight in the family lineage, a statement that prompts a pair of dirty boxer-briefs to land on top of his skater helmet which he casts aside, snitched on him for not doing his homework. The camera pans back and reveals that Sanjay and Vijay are sitting next to each other using separate controls and monitors. Sanjay continues to whine, angrily, that his parents grounded him from Hero Rising for an entire week. Sanjay then tosses a pair of undies at his brother, which leads to a dirty laundry fight.
LaBuff chuckles at the sounds of the wacky fight. Suddenly Ash Hat barges in through the door and warns him that LaMaman is on her way up. LaBuff hastily bids adieu to Vijay and Sanjay and takes a flying leap into his bed. LaMaman enters and greets LaBuff, who is playing very casual. Ash Hat stands behind LaMaman and makes frantic gestures at the computer to LaBuff, who is explaining to her how he blew off the party because it was lame. LaMaman happens to turn and notice the conspicuous Hero Rising logo on the monitor behind Ash Hat. LaMaman makes a remark about the poorly executed deception as LaBuff buries his face in in a comic book in shame. She chides him for skipping the party she still thinks LaBuff was invited to attend. Not the sharpest tool in the shed, is she? LaBuff tries to explain that socializing with your local peers face to face just doesn't compare to interacting with people far away who you can't see and will never meet. It's a generational thing. LaMaman tells him that there's more to life than video games. LaBuff says that video games may be turning him into a social outcast but it's okay because he's having a good time. LaMaman suggests that he could have just as much fun with her and Ash Hat, who throws up the horns with both hands like he's fucking metal or something.
LaMaman then orders LaBuff to take Ash Hat to the orthodontist so she can go to a job interview. LaBuff protests, saying that his brother is fourteen and should be able to walk there by himself. LaMaman explains she also thought that when she sent him by himself and he missed the appointment. Ash Hat says he refuses to get braces after witnessing LaBuff's getting his stuck the carpet. LaBuff laughs sarcastically and reprimands Ash Hat for mentioning the carpet munching incident. Ash Hat then proceeds to torment LaBuff with a photo, which prompts him to leap up from the bed and snatch the incriminating photo. It appears to be LaBuff's eighth grade picture taken when he was less buff. That scene was pointless.
The next day after school LaBuff bids his basketball buds farewell and bumps into LaPeep. Actually, he bounces his ball at her. He apologizes to her and then recognizes her as the freaky voyeur chick next door. She introduces herself as she uses a tracking device, disguised as a hand-held game, to trace his movements and capture images of him. She knows exactly who he is, of course, and puts him on the defensive by implying that he was peeping on her! LaPeep's act of psychological projection puts LaBuff on the defensive. As soon as he gets his bearings back, however, she brings up the missed shot from the big game to make him squirm some more. Not only is LaPeep a perv, she's a sadist as well!
LaBuff apologizes for not going over to her house and introducing himself properly. That whole social interaction thing's not working so well for him since he started playing Hero Rising. He explains that things have not been so good for him lately. She delicately alludes to the death of LaBuff's father. They both pause for a moment of silence to honor his memory. LaPeep gives her condolences and offers to walk LaBuff home. She could use the strap on that handbag as a leash. Kinky ho! LaBuff politely refuses, saying that he has to escort Ash Hat to the orthodontist. She tells him she thinks it's cute. Because having someone inflict pain on your little brother with a restraining device is cute! She tells him goodbye and reminds him that she'll be watching.
LaBuff turns around and tries to make a basket in a trash can; and misses. The groundskeeper who is raking leaves catches the ball and sinks it in the can. He turns out to be none other than Stantauri. LaBuff notices the wingtips that Stantauri is wearing with his green coveralls. He didn't notice the dress shirt and tie were clearly visible before, but we're not dealing with a Mensa candidate here. LaBuff is puzzled but decides to rendezvous with his brother. As he walks down the sidewalk a black SUV follows alongside him. LaBuff looks over his shoulder nervously expecting the driver to offer him a ride.
LaBuff takes off running and the SUV is forced to stop by a truck backing out of a driveway. The driver, Stantauri, abandons the SUV and takes after LaBuff on foot. He jumps a retaining wall and passes by a basketball court. The chase continues through the downtown area. LaBuff climbs another retaining wall and forces Stantauri to take a detour. LaBuff reaches a plaza and hijacks someone's skateboard as well as his helmet, which he dons. Safety first, kids! LaBuff then does a very unsafe thing and grinds down a handrail. Stantauri is catching up to him so he abandons the board, making sure to thank the guy he stole it from who didn't chase after him. He then eludes Stantauri by jumping over the rails and across a chasm to another plaza. He makes his way down the plaza steps and then on top of the adjoining wall which allows him to jump over Stantauri's head. The chase continues down the street, into a building, up the stairs and onto the roop. LaBuff races past a line of drying clothes and to the ledge. He then jumps onto the fire escape and leaps over the rails from one section of stairs to the next. He runs down an alley and climbs a brick wall which somehow prevents Stantauri from catching him? LaBuff tells Stantauri to eat his dust and jumps to the other side of the wall. Stantauri turns to us and smiles like he's Hannibal Lecter or something.
Now go watch that chase scene again with The Benny Hill Show theme song playing over it.
Later that night LaBuff is having dinner with his family. He doesn't tell LaMaman about the predator who chased him all over the city that day. LaBuff figures he has it under control then? Instead LaMaman breaks the news that she's renting dad's office out as a guest room order to make ends meet. Both boys are incensed that she would dishonor the memory of their father this way. She tells them she has to in order to pay bills and whatnot. LaBuff pouts.
LaMaman asks Ash Hat about his orthodontist appointment. He tells her that he was a big boy and went aaaaaaall by himself. Apparently his orthodontist offers Invisaline because I don't see any metal in his mouth. Ash Hat decides that for being so grown up he deserves a pet monkey. LaMaman tells Ash Hat to play with his own monkey and then scolds LaBuff for not doing what he was told. Now would be a perfect time to explain about the bald guy in dark glasses who follows him everywhere. Or maybe not. She presses him for a truthful answer or else he'll be scrubbing dishes. Geez, come on! Maybe a month of doing dishes would seem like a real punishment but one lousy night? LaMaman is a pushover. LaBuff tells her that a “deranged spy” was chasing him.
Guess whose doing dishes later that night? Ash Hat, who is sitting on the kitchen counter near the sink, tells LaBuff that the video games have warped his feeble little mind. LaBuff then splashes him with dishwater. They then start splashing each other like little kids in a bathtub, sans rubber duck.
Later at a secret Legion of Dumb compound disguised as a water treatment plant: A bald baddie in a white cassock is plotting how to disperse the toxin. Lex Laughter orders Darth LOL to procure a rocket launcher. He replies it will be a piece of cake. Darth LOL observes that some people in the room with them have been deliberately exposed to the toxin. Lex Laughter explains that they are testing the toxin's effects. We see two extras dying of liver failure which means the toxin is probably Hydroxycut. Darth LOL notes that they work for him and this likely violates OSHA guidelines and some employment labor laws. Lex Laughter explains that they've been given their severance.
We see Darth LOL in game form using his batons to deflect laser blasts from a red-headed female avatar. LaBuff gives advice to the player as he props his bare feet on the desk. If this show stinks it's just Kelly Blatz's acute Bromhidrosis. Anyway, he tells Sim Possible to lunge at Darth LOL when he swings his “sticks” but to do so quickly. Sim Possible gets beaten like she owes Darth LOL money. Oops! Too slow says LaBuff. He then hears a scream from outside his window. It's LaPeep, probably having an orgasm while watching LaBuff. He goes to the window and shouts at her to shut up. Or he asks if she's okay. She tells him that some “bonehead” talked her into making a stupid move which wrecked her avatar. LaBuff figures out that LaPeep is Sim Possible. Rather than face her wrath he tries to change the subject (I couldn't understand what he said here). At that moment LaMaman conveniently hollers for LaBuff to take out the trash. He says goodbye to LaPeep and goes to do his chore still vexed about being called a bonehead.
Outside in the dark of night LaBuff carries a full trash can to the curb wearing only his boxers and a blue tee shirt. “Aaron Stone?” inquires a voice from behind him as he sets the trash can down. LaBuff jumps out of his drawers for a moment. He turns around and recognizes Stantauri. LaBuff warns him that he knows karate and if that fails he also knows ka-razy and attempts to defend himself against Stantauri with pizza-fu. Stantauri tells him he's not going to do anything to him. LaBuff asks if he's not out to do something unpleasant to him why did he chase him all over town. Stantauri replies that LaBuff ran away and he was simply following LaBuff's lead, adding that it was nice to get out and see the city. LaBuff tells him he's a weirdo but Stantauri introduces himself and explains that he works for PMSJ and that they must go to Austria right away. LaBuff says that he can't work a trip to Europe into his schedule until at least next month. Stantauri promises that LaBuff will be back in time to catch the bus to school the next morning and directs LaBuff's attention upward.
Hovering above them is what looks like a Star-Trek Voyager shuttlecraft. LaBuff asks what the heck it is and Stantauri explains that it's a “sonic jet” called Gunstar II. He goes on to say it just rolled off the assembly line at PMSJ Industries and can travel 960 miles per minute. Doing a little math that would mean the Gunstar II can travel from San Francisco to El Paso in about a minute and can circle the equator of the Earth in less than half an hour. It also travels 75 times the speed of sound. As Kapvik would say, “Pull the other one, Disney!” LaBuff says there's no way in hell he's getting in that thing. Stantauri then reaches behind his ear and nods his head which causes a beam of light to transport them both into Gunstar II. LaBuff starts to crap himself as he realizes he's being abducted by what could be an alien for all he knows. Stantauri tells him to fasten his seatbelt unless he wants to end up a million little pieces and get told off by Oprah. LaBuff is all like, whatever, but Stantauri tells him he's not kidding. Oprah don't play. LaBuff loses his shit again as the Gunstar II takes off into the stratosphere.
The cockpit is suddenly calm and LaBuff concludes that nothing happened. Stantauri tells him that they have already traveled 872 miles. LaBuff looks out the window and sees that he is lower Earth orbit which makes him take another dump in his boxers.
After traveling for about seven minutes (by my estimate) they beam down to PMSJ's posh office suite. He welcomes LaBuff, referring to him as “Mr. Stone” and introduces himself. LaBuff starts to decry the abuse of his civil rights when he suddenly recognizes PMSJ's name as the creator of the Hero Rising game. He adds that he's totally addicted to it.
PMSJ explains that a few years ago he took seven of the most hopeless idiots and gave them access to the most advanced technology in order to see if it was possible to raise their potential. LaBuff completes PMSJ's thought, adding that they gave themselves genetic enhancements in order become more attractive only to turn evil and form the Legion of Dumb in order to take over the world. He says that he knows the premise of Hero Rising by heart as he hears PMSJ's voice tell that story every time he goes on line to play. Still, he adds, it's only a game. PMSJ reminds LaBuff of the Hero Rising slogan which appears on all their billboards; It's not just a game (it's an adventure). He emphasizes that point saying that in retrospect what he did turned out to be not such a great idea after all and now he needs LaBuff to stop the Legion of Dumb.
LaBuff laughs him off, saying PMSJ's even crazier about Hero Rising than he is. He says that the whole thing is just ridiculous. PMSJ reminds him that the Gunstar II is also supposed to be impossible as the first Gunstar was supposed to be “The Last Starfighter”. I guess that means Gunstar II is the last last starfighter. He adds that Stantauri is also impossible. LaBuff agrees with PMSJ's first point but disagrees on the second, saying there's nothing impossible about Stantauri. Strange, but not impossible. PMSJ explains that Stantauri is an android. LaBuff laughs and says, whatever. Stantauri removes his head revealing circuits in his neck. LaBuff's jaw drops to the floor. Stantauri explains as he holds his head in his hands that on a windy day his neck whistles like an empty beer bottle. He then places his head back on his neck and turns it 180 degrees. LaBuff tells him that his head is on backwards. This way Stantauri doesn't have to ask anyone if his ass looks big. Stantauri turns his head around 180 degrees like he's Linda Blair or something.
PMSJ goes on to say that the purpose of Hero Rising is to find teens with no social life who won't be missed when they die fighting his war for him. Or he says that it finds those with the right combination of mental and physical skills to defeat the bad guys. He adds that the Legion of Dumb doesn't know when to quit and that LaBuff is the cure for their disease. LaBuff asks how a teen in thrice soiled underwear can possibly save the world. PMSJ says that if LaBuff won't cooperate they're all going to be in deep shit. LaBuff says sheepishly that he wants to go home. PMSJ tells him to sleep on it. We see Gunstar II streaking across the globe westward.
The next morning LaMaman is planting a “Room for Rent” sign in the front yard. It was visible before so she tells LaBuff that it blew over. Nice save, writers. LaBuff asks her if she doesn't mind driving Ash Hat to school and LaMaman says it's no problem. LaBuff asks her if everything is going to be okay. She assures him that everything will be fine. LaBuff puts on his helmet and rides his bicycle down the street. Remember when kids didn't need a helmet to ride a bicycle? Least of all teenagers?
As LaBuff rides down the street Stantauri runs up alongside him and paces him on foot. Stantauri asks “Mr. Stone” if he's made up his mind yet. LaBuff tells him no and that he's not Aaron Stone. LaBuff speeds up and pulls away from Stantauri. He catches up to LaBuff and assures him that he is Aaron Stone or why else would PMSJ ask him to save the world? LaBuff tells him that despite what PMSJ may think he actually does have a life. Stantauri argues that it will be nice to get away from all the stress of school and family to fight genetically altered idiots to the death. Or he says that there's an evil plot brewing that puts his family and friends in danger. LaBuff almost takes the bait but then decides that he won't do it. He's not Aaron Stone. Stantauri says that he checked three times and that LaBuff is the only Aaron Stone. He says that LaBuff leaves him no choice. LaBuff asks what choice Stantauri is talking about. He flicks a switch behind his ear and teleports them up to the Gunstar II leaving the bicycle to swerve into the curb and the helmet to fall to the ground. We hear LaBuff whine as the Gunstar II streaks across the sky.
The show begins in what looks like Times Square with two giant billboards which read: “HERO RISING: It's not just a game (It's a way of life)”. The camera pans across to another billboard advertising Hero Rising with the various game avatars flickering across the screen. One avatar is an Asian with Maori-inspired style facial tattoos and black lips. A man dressed in dark clothes and a long black trench coat runs into view and stops so we can see that he looks just like the video game character. Darth LOL takes off running from a man wearing a black turtleneck and a gray trench coat. Using a transmitter on his wrist he tells his boss that “they” have the toxin and he is in pursuit. We only are only shown the back of his the boss' head but he looks and sounds like Samuel Jackson. Poor man's Samuel Jackson warns him that if the toxin is released it's all over. He adds that Darth LOL whose actual name is “Soul Jacker” is deadly.
The chase ends with Darth LOL taking a flying leap over a parked car and getting tackled by gray trench coat guy. He fumbles a silver canister which is obviously the toxin. The canister rolls into one of those dancing-water fountain plazas. The gray trench coat guy picks it up and Darth LOL brandishes a pair of batons, or short staffs; I don't know. “I don't wanna hurt you!” The gray trench coat guy shouts. If only they had gotten Jason Smith to play this guy and had him say, “I don't want any trouble”! Darth LOL whacks him a few times and forces him to drop the plot device. Gray coat guy grabs a conveniently placed pole and uses it as a staff. The two duel in the middle of the fountain. A strike from Darth LOL snaps gray coat guy's pole in half, giving him a pair of batons. The fight ends with gray coat guy going down.
Darth LOL takes the communicator and uses it to gloat to PMSJ, whose actual name is “Mr. Hall”. The video image of Darth LOL appears in a screen in the top of PMSJ's desk. The image turns to snow and PMSJ flicks it away like the magic map on CNN. He summons “Stan”, whose wingtips we see walking toward PMSJ's fancy executive desk. Stan turns out to be a skinny bald white man in a suit. PMSJ informs him that “Dark Owl” has been “compromised”, which I guess means he's dead. He tells Stan to go fetch the only player he has left: Aaron Stone. Stan departs on his mission and PMSJ starts fiddling with the touchscreen controls and monitor built into the glass top of his desk. Above the words “Hall Industries” the “Hero Rising” logo appears on the video screen. Ever wonder what corporate executives do in those offices all day? Now you know.
Elsewhere: A High School basketball game is in the last few minutes of the fourth quarter. After making a goal the visiting team is ahead by two points. In the crowd we see a middle-aged woman with a perm and a kid in a tacky Hawaiian shirt who resembles Douche Poser cheering. In the last five seconds of the game a handsome young man who looks like Shia LaBeouf on steroids has the ball. LaBuff hesitates and the woman and kid cheer for him (his real name is Charlie). Now with barely a second left (and inexplicably no call for holding) LaBuff finally takes his shot in over-dramatic slow motion like this is “Hoosier's” or something. And it's nothing but… FAIL. Having lost the game LaBuff clasps his hands behind the back of his head so we can see his biceps in that sleeveless jersey. Meanwhile behind the bleachers Stantauri, who is wearing dark sunglasses which contain a transmitter, reports to PMSJ that he has found “the target”.
The opening credits roll giving us the following information (in bold):
Aaron Stone - starring:
Kelly Blatz - He's 21 and looks about 25 but plays teen-aged “Charlie Landers” whose video game avatar is “Aaron Stone”. Trivia: He dated Blake Lively
Tania Gunadi - She plays Emma, the girl next door; literally.
David Lambert - He's Charlie's younger brother Jason.
J. P. Manoux - He's done a lot of Disney stuff including the voice of “Kuzco” in “The Emperor's New School”, “Phil of the Future” and the TV movie “Minutemen”. In this show he is “Stan”, a robot assistant to the mysterious “Mr. Hall”.
LaBuff strolls the darkened hallway of his school after the big game is over now wearing street clothes with a gym bag slung over his shoulder and holding a basketball. The lights go out and there's a swoosh behind him that gets his attention. Suddenly it's “Are You Afraid of the Dark” time. He says, “hello” and there's no answer. He continues down the hall without noticing Stantauri who is standing against one of the classroom doors still wearing his dark sunglasses. LaBuff, who feels like he's being watched, looks back over his shoulder. Stantauri has mysteriously disappeared! LaBuff continues down the hall. He flicks on the light switch and suddenly a hand grabs his shoulder startling him. It turns out to be just his goofy brother and his mom. This guy must think he's a younger version of Ashton Kutcher. Does that mean he'll date the girls who are too young for Ashton? Anywho, LaBuff threatens vengeance on Ash Hat but mom tells them to tone down the BroYay! if they want her to make them hamburgers for dinner. She would anyway, but you know. LaBuff says that all the choking he did on the basketball court makes him not want to put food in his mouth any time soon. That and he's been invited to a party at a friends house. LaMaman is strangely happy that her son is going to a party. He must not get invited to parties a lot. Anywho, LaMaman tells him to have fun as she walks away.
Ash Hat hangs back to say he doesn't blame him for not wanting to spend a night at home with his mom and a home cooked meal. He suddenly has an epiphany and says that what LaBuff really plans to do is stay up all night playing Hero Rising. I guess the moral of this story is: If you can't win at life, win at video games! LaBuff bribes his brother into covering for him by promising to show him how to advance past a “Helix's army of genetically altered snake men”. I mention the details of the game here even though it sounds really cheesy because at some point in the series things mentioned in throwaway lines like this will likely appear as a villain or another reference. Anyway, the brother says it's a deal and LaMaman calls for “Jason” to hurry the fuck up already. LaBuff tells Ash Hat to “have fun” with a shit-eating grin on his face. As LaBuff strolls the hallways Stan glides around a corner to stalk him. Creepy; and not in the “Are You Afraid of the Dark” way either.
Later that night: LaBuff enters his bedroom and boots up his computer; because we always shut down our systems when we're away. After tossing his gym bag on the bed he puts on a headset and watches the flat-screen monitor which displays the Hero Rising opening sequence. The flash video says (in the voice of PMSJ) that seven “genetically enhanced evil geniuses” have teamed up to form “The Omega Defiance” in order to conquer Earth. So on and so forth. He lets out a squeal of delight and plops down in his chair. Something catches his attention outside the window. In the window of the house next door a teenage girl is voyeuristically watching LaBuff. As do you. He waves awkwardly at her. LaPeep is also wearing a headset which allows her to eavesdrop on LaBuff. She removes her headset and walks right up to her window and waves back at him with a big grin on her face. LaPeep lowers her blinds so as not to be a distraction. That way she might get a more candid view of LaBuff. For his part, LaBuff is not quite at ease enough to do a striptease in front of his window for his neighbor and returns to his game. The intro ends with PMSJ saying: “The world is in desperate need of a hero to rise up and save it. Will that be you?” LaBuff answers in the affirmative on behalf of his character which he calls Aaron Stone.
The screen displays a Japanese street scene, reminiscent of “Street Fighter”. The Aaron Stone character, a stout-chested square-jawed man dressed in black spandex and body armor. An icon for the type of shoe Aaron Stone is wearing. Another icon appears for the weapon on Aaron Stone's forearm. LaBuff announces, via his headset, that Aaron Stone is on the scene. The icons disappear and Aaron stone turns to face a blond-haired man in green spandex and body armor. The player controlling the the green character is an Indian kid, who asks what took him so long. An Asian female character in pink and black and wielding a “mezzaluna” blade is with them. She is the alter ego of another Indian guy (heh) who is wearing a black skater helmet. He says that the timely appearance of Aaron Stone is really going to save their asses. LaBuff addresses the players according to their avatar names (the green guy is “Vesuvius” and the chick is “Lotus” who I will refer to as Green Ken and Chun-Li respectively) and tells them it's clobberin' time!
The opponent just happens to be Darth LOL. He makes quick work of Chun-Li and takes aim at Green Ken. We see Vijay and Sanjay working the game controls. LaBuff swears that Darth LOL ain't getting him no-suh. Aaron Stone takes a flying leap onto the wall of a nearby building like he's Spider Man thanks to Aaron's Flubber Soles, and fires back at Darth LOL. LaBuff lets out a squeal of delight as he directs Aaron to use the Flubber Soles to bounce off the street and across to side of another building. LaBuff psyches himself up and Aaron shoots a zip line from the utilicuff in order to swing down like Errol Flynn and plant both Flubber Soles into Darth LOL's kisser. Aaron stands stoically as if making a heroic pose. Vijay congratulates LaBuff on a job well done and envies the utilicuff. LaBuff assures him he will get one in time. Vijay laments that his great-grandchildren will have great-grandchildren still playing Hero Rising before Green Ken gets that far.
Vijay tells LaBuff that the Legion of Dumb (aka Omega Defiance) is gaining strength and now starts to harass them as soon as they enter the game. Isn't that the point of an action-based on-line video game? This isn't Civilization IV you know. Sanjay whines that he is running out of “invisibility sheilds”. LaBuff tells them to man-up and face the growing threat of the Legion of Dumb if he wants to advance. That sentence reads more like a description of office politics than an on-line interactive game. Anywho, LaBuff adds that he's not seen hide nor hair of Chun-Li for days. Sanjay explains that his brother, who he describes as a blight in the family lineage, a statement that prompts a pair of dirty boxer-briefs to land on top of his skater helmet which he casts aside, snitched on him for not doing his homework. The camera pans back and reveals that Sanjay and Vijay are sitting next to each other using separate controls and monitors. Sanjay continues to whine, angrily, that his parents grounded him from Hero Rising for an entire week. Sanjay then tosses a pair of undies at his brother, which leads to a dirty laundry fight.
LaBuff chuckles at the sounds of the wacky fight. Suddenly Ash Hat barges in through the door and warns him that LaMaman is on her way up. LaBuff hastily bids adieu to Vijay and Sanjay and takes a flying leap into his bed. LaMaman enters and greets LaBuff, who is playing very casual. Ash Hat stands behind LaMaman and makes frantic gestures at the computer to LaBuff, who is explaining to her how he blew off the party because it was lame. LaMaman happens to turn and notice the conspicuous Hero Rising logo on the monitor behind Ash Hat. LaMaman makes a remark about the poorly executed deception as LaBuff buries his face in in a comic book in shame. She chides him for skipping the party she still thinks LaBuff was invited to attend. Not the sharpest tool in the shed, is she? LaBuff tries to explain that socializing with your local peers face to face just doesn't compare to interacting with people far away who you can't see and will never meet. It's a generational thing. LaMaman tells him that there's more to life than video games. LaBuff says that video games may be turning him into a social outcast but it's okay because he's having a good time. LaMaman suggests that he could have just as much fun with her and Ash Hat, who throws up the horns with both hands like he's fucking metal or something.
LaMaman then orders LaBuff to take Ash Hat to the orthodontist so she can go to a job interview. LaBuff protests, saying that his brother is fourteen and should be able to walk there by himself. LaMaman explains she also thought that when she sent him by himself and he missed the appointment. Ash Hat says he refuses to get braces after witnessing LaBuff's getting his stuck the carpet. LaBuff laughs sarcastically and reprimands Ash Hat for mentioning the carpet munching incident. Ash Hat then proceeds to torment LaBuff with a photo, which prompts him to leap up from the bed and snatch the incriminating photo. It appears to be LaBuff's eighth grade picture taken when he was less buff. That scene was pointless.
The next day after school LaBuff bids his basketball buds farewell and bumps into LaPeep. Actually, he bounces his ball at her. He apologizes to her and then recognizes her as the freaky voyeur chick next door. She introduces herself as she uses a tracking device, disguised as a hand-held game, to trace his movements and capture images of him. She knows exactly who he is, of course, and puts him on the defensive by implying that he was peeping on her! LaPeep's act of psychological projection puts LaBuff on the defensive. As soon as he gets his bearings back, however, she brings up the missed shot from the big game to make him squirm some more. Not only is LaPeep a perv, she's a sadist as well!
LaBuff apologizes for not going over to her house and introducing himself properly. That whole social interaction thing's not working so well for him since he started playing Hero Rising. He explains that things have not been so good for him lately. She delicately alludes to the death of LaBuff's father. They both pause for a moment of silence to honor his memory. LaPeep gives her condolences and offers to walk LaBuff home. She could use the strap on that handbag as a leash. Kinky ho! LaBuff politely refuses, saying that he has to escort Ash Hat to the orthodontist. She tells him she thinks it's cute. Because having someone inflict pain on your little brother with a restraining device is cute! She tells him goodbye and reminds him that she'll be watching.
LaBuff turns around and tries to make a basket in a trash can; and misses. The groundskeeper who is raking leaves catches the ball and sinks it in the can. He turns out to be none other than Stantauri. LaBuff notices the wingtips that Stantauri is wearing with his green coveralls. He didn't notice the dress shirt and tie were clearly visible before, but we're not dealing with a Mensa candidate here. LaBuff is puzzled but decides to rendezvous with his brother. As he walks down the sidewalk a black SUV follows alongside him. LaBuff looks over his shoulder nervously expecting the driver to offer him a ride.
LaBuff takes off running and the SUV is forced to stop by a truck backing out of a driveway. The driver, Stantauri, abandons the SUV and takes after LaBuff on foot. He jumps a retaining wall and passes by a basketball court. The chase continues through the downtown area. LaBuff climbs another retaining wall and forces Stantauri to take a detour. LaBuff reaches a plaza and hijacks someone's skateboard as well as his helmet, which he dons. Safety first, kids! LaBuff then does a very unsafe thing and grinds down a handrail. Stantauri is catching up to him so he abandons the board, making sure to thank the guy he stole it from who didn't chase after him. He then eludes Stantauri by jumping over the rails and across a chasm to another plaza. He makes his way down the plaza steps and then on top of the adjoining wall which allows him to jump over Stantauri's head. The chase continues down the street, into a building, up the stairs and onto the roop. LaBuff races past a line of drying clothes and to the ledge. He then jumps onto the fire escape and leaps over the rails from one section of stairs to the next. He runs down an alley and climbs a brick wall which somehow prevents Stantauri from catching him? LaBuff tells Stantauri to eat his dust and jumps to the other side of the wall. Stantauri turns to us and smiles like he's Hannibal Lecter or something.
Now go watch that chase scene again with The Benny Hill Show theme song playing over it.
Later that night LaBuff is having dinner with his family. He doesn't tell LaMaman about the predator who chased him all over the city that day. LaBuff figures he has it under control then? Instead LaMaman breaks the news that she's renting dad's office out as a guest room order to make ends meet. Both boys are incensed that she would dishonor the memory of their father this way. She tells them she has to in order to pay bills and whatnot. LaBuff pouts.
LaMaman asks Ash Hat about his orthodontist appointment. He tells her that he was a big boy and went aaaaaaall by himself. Apparently his orthodontist offers Invisaline because I don't see any metal in his mouth. Ash Hat decides that for being so grown up he deserves a pet monkey. LaMaman tells Ash Hat to play with his own monkey and then scolds LaBuff for not doing what he was told. Now would be a perfect time to explain about the bald guy in dark glasses who follows him everywhere. Or maybe not. She presses him for a truthful answer or else he'll be scrubbing dishes. Geez, come on! Maybe a month of doing dishes would seem like a real punishment but one lousy night? LaMaman is a pushover. LaBuff tells her that a “deranged spy” was chasing him.
Guess whose doing dishes later that night? Ash Hat, who is sitting on the kitchen counter near the sink, tells LaBuff that the video games have warped his feeble little mind. LaBuff then splashes him with dishwater. They then start splashing each other like little kids in a bathtub, sans rubber duck.
Later at a secret Legion of Dumb compound disguised as a water treatment plant: A bald baddie in a white cassock is plotting how to disperse the toxin. Lex Laughter orders Darth LOL to procure a rocket launcher. He replies it will be a piece of cake. Darth LOL observes that some people in the room with them have been deliberately exposed to the toxin. Lex Laughter explains that they are testing the toxin's effects. We see two extras dying of liver failure which means the toxin is probably Hydroxycut. Darth LOL notes that they work for him and this likely violates OSHA guidelines and some employment labor laws. Lex Laughter explains that they've been given their severance.
We see Darth LOL in game form using his batons to deflect laser blasts from a red-headed female avatar. LaBuff gives advice to the player as he props his bare feet on the desk. If this show stinks it's just Kelly Blatz's acute Bromhidrosis. Anyway, he tells Sim Possible to lunge at Darth LOL when he swings his “sticks” but to do so quickly. Sim Possible gets beaten like she owes Darth LOL money. Oops! Too slow says LaBuff. He then hears a scream from outside his window. It's LaPeep, probably having an orgasm while watching LaBuff. He goes to the window and shouts at her to shut up. Or he asks if she's okay. She tells him that some “bonehead” talked her into making a stupid move which wrecked her avatar. LaBuff figures out that LaPeep is Sim Possible. Rather than face her wrath he tries to change the subject (I couldn't understand what he said here). At that moment LaMaman conveniently hollers for LaBuff to take out the trash. He says goodbye to LaPeep and goes to do his chore still vexed about being called a bonehead.
Outside in the dark of night LaBuff carries a full trash can to the curb wearing only his boxers and a blue tee shirt. “Aaron Stone?” inquires a voice from behind him as he sets the trash can down. LaBuff jumps out of his drawers for a moment. He turns around and recognizes Stantauri. LaBuff warns him that he knows karate and if that fails he also knows ka-razy and attempts to defend himself against Stantauri with pizza-fu. Stantauri tells him he's not going to do anything to him. LaBuff asks if he's not out to do something unpleasant to him why did he chase him all over town. Stantauri replies that LaBuff ran away and he was simply following LaBuff's lead, adding that it was nice to get out and see the city. LaBuff tells him he's a weirdo but Stantauri introduces himself and explains that he works for PMSJ and that they must go to Austria right away. LaBuff says that he can't work a trip to Europe into his schedule until at least next month. Stantauri promises that LaBuff will be back in time to catch the bus to school the next morning and directs LaBuff's attention upward.
Hovering above them is what looks like a Star-Trek Voyager shuttlecraft. LaBuff asks what the heck it is and Stantauri explains that it's a “sonic jet” called Gunstar II. He goes on to say it just rolled off the assembly line at PMSJ Industries and can travel 960 miles per minute. Doing a little math that would mean the Gunstar II can travel from San Francisco to El Paso in about a minute and can circle the equator of the Earth in less than half an hour. It also travels 75 times the speed of sound. As Kapvik would say, “Pull the other one, Disney!” LaBuff says there's no way in hell he's getting in that thing. Stantauri then reaches behind his ear and nods his head which causes a beam of light to transport them both into Gunstar II. LaBuff starts to crap himself as he realizes he's being abducted by what could be an alien for all he knows. Stantauri tells him to fasten his seatbelt unless he wants to end up a million little pieces and get told off by Oprah. LaBuff is all like, whatever, but Stantauri tells him he's not kidding. Oprah don't play. LaBuff loses his shit again as the Gunstar II takes off into the stratosphere.
The cockpit is suddenly calm and LaBuff concludes that nothing happened. Stantauri tells him that they have already traveled 872 miles. LaBuff looks out the window and sees that he is lower Earth orbit which makes him take another dump in his boxers.
After traveling for about seven minutes (by my estimate) they beam down to PMSJ's posh office suite. He welcomes LaBuff, referring to him as “Mr. Stone” and introduces himself. LaBuff starts to decry the abuse of his civil rights when he suddenly recognizes PMSJ's name as the creator of the Hero Rising game. He adds that he's totally addicted to it.
PMSJ explains that a few years ago he took seven of the most hopeless idiots and gave them access to the most advanced technology in order to see if it was possible to raise their potential. LaBuff completes PMSJ's thought, adding that they gave themselves genetic enhancements in order become more attractive only to turn evil and form the Legion of Dumb in order to take over the world. He says that he knows the premise of Hero Rising by heart as he hears PMSJ's voice tell that story every time he goes on line to play. Still, he adds, it's only a game. PMSJ reminds LaBuff of the Hero Rising slogan which appears on all their billboards; It's not just a game (it's an adventure). He emphasizes that point saying that in retrospect what he did turned out to be not such a great idea after all and now he needs LaBuff to stop the Legion of Dumb.
LaBuff laughs him off, saying PMSJ's even crazier about Hero Rising than he is. He says that the whole thing is just ridiculous. PMSJ reminds him that the Gunstar II is also supposed to be impossible as the first Gunstar was supposed to be “The Last Starfighter”. I guess that means Gunstar II is the last last starfighter. He adds that Stantauri is also impossible. LaBuff agrees with PMSJ's first point but disagrees on the second, saying there's nothing impossible about Stantauri. Strange, but not impossible. PMSJ explains that Stantauri is an android. LaBuff laughs and says, whatever. Stantauri removes his head revealing circuits in his neck. LaBuff's jaw drops to the floor. Stantauri explains as he holds his head in his hands that on a windy day his neck whistles like an empty beer bottle. He then places his head back on his neck and turns it 180 degrees. LaBuff tells him that his head is on backwards. This way Stantauri doesn't have to ask anyone if his ass looks big. Stantauri turns his head around 180 degrees like he's Linda Blair or something.
PMSJ goes on to say that the purpose of Hero Rising is to find teens with no social life who won't be missed when they die fighting his war for him. Or he says that it finds those with the right combination of mental and physical skills to defeat the bad guys. He adds that the Legion of Dumb doesn't know when to quit and that LaBuff is the cure for their disease. LaBuff asks how a teen in thrice soiled underwear can possibly save the world. PMSJ says that if LaBuff won't cooperate they're all going to be in deep shit. LaBuff says sheepishly that he wants to go home. PMSJ tells him to sleep on it. We see Gunstar II streaking across the globe westward.
The next morning LaMaman is planting a “Room for Rent” sign in the front yard. It was visible before so she tells LaBuff that it blew over. Nice save, writers. LaBuff asks her if she doesn't mind driving Ash Hat to school and LaMaman says it's no problem. LaBuff asks her if everything is going to be okay. She assures him that everything will be fine. LaBuff puts on his helmet and rides his bicycle down the street. Remember when kids didn't need a helmet to ride a bicycle? Least of all teenagers?
As LaBuff rides down the street Stantauri runs up alongside him and paces him on foot. Stantauri asks “Mr. Stone” if he's made up his mind yet. LaBuff tells him no and that he's not Aaron Stone. LaBuff speeds up and pulls away from Stantauri. He catches up to LaBuff and assures him that he is Aaron Stone or why else would PMSJ ask him to save the world? LaBuff tells him that despite what PMSJ may think he actually does have a life. Stantauri argues that it will be nice to get away from all the stress of school and family to fight genetically altered idiots to the death. Or he says that there's an evil plot brewing that puts his family and friends in danger. LaBuff almost takes the bait but then decides that he won't do it. He's not Aaron Stone. Stantauri says that he checked three times and that LaBuff is the only Aaron Stone. He says that LaBuff leaves him no choice. LaBuff asks what choice Stantauri is talking about. He flicks a switch behind his ear and teleports them up to the Gunstar II leaving the bicycle to swerve into the curb and the helmet to fall to the ground. We hear LaBuff whine as the Gunstar II streaks across the sky.