Where in the World is Lilah Morgan? Not that anyone was wondering, but hey...
Okay, so you may have noticed I've sobered up a bit and finally changed my clothes. Or you may have not noticed cause well, while you were out I chartered a private jet and currently am in Paris. Hotel Ritz to be precise, mostly because I know they aim to please. It's nice being someplace where you can leave but you don't really need to because
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//locked against everyone except Wes//
The saving the world thing; my sentiments exactly.(Oh, I don't know the 'I'm good now Lilah be gone with you', taking away my pride, dumping me in a sewer, and making it painfully obvious how in love you were with Fred right in front of me. And I'm going to shut up now, because I'm not trying to be hurtful.) You see it how you need to see it. Cordelia obviously means a lot to you. She killed me. What can I say? I'm not one to forgive easily.
Sometimes Wes, trying is all a person can do.
You're obviously stuck on not forgiving yourself so I won't try to make you. Hey, I believe there was a noble in there. Don't forget that part.
Maybe, but you're forgetting one thing, a good person doesn't think they're a good person. And Wes, even a good person can only do so much.
Well, okay yeah I still work there. But so do you. And at least I don't have that scar anymore Okay sometimes I can feel it, a little. ,and I'm a living breathing girl again. So no harm, no foul. At least in your particular case. But you want to know how you saved me. Well, I'm stronger for one. And apparently more capable of humanity.(Seriously, there's even this little girl who I really like. Which me, nice to children? I didn't put that there. I blame you.) But Wes, how many people would be talking to me right now? Not many. Dear god, I just had some who Judeao-Christian comparison to Jesus and Mary Magdalen go through my head. I think I need another drink.
//Unlock//
I'll do you. But it may take a while. And you might get more than five.The fact that I'm developing Buffy like tendencies worries me
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I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself. In Paris.
//Locked to everyone not Lilah//
You mean to tell me that not saving the world is your reflex? (Perhaps. But I was honestly hoping you’d get away from the city so you’d survive. I’ve often wondered what would’ve happened had you listened. Would you still be alive today? But of course you are Lilah Morgan and don’t listen to anyone. Story of my life And I may have been in love with Fred, she never really loved me. And never will, I can see that now) Forgiving is easy, especially if you want to move on It’s the forgetting part that’s hard.
Sometimes trying is not enough, especially if a lot depends on it. Like say, lives for example.
I can’t forgive myself, I’m too afraid to make the same mistakes again if I do. Besides, if I can’t forgive myself it doesn’t hurt so much if others can’t either,
And you’re not an evil, bad person Lilah, no matter what people say.
I may still work here, but I was tricked. There seems to be a lot of that going around. I didn’t even know half the things I do now when I followed Angel blindly. Would I have done it had I known? Probably, but at the moment I’m having doubt about my ‘work place’. I am sorry about the scar. But I couldn’t risk you being a vampire.
I made you stronger? And capable of humanity ? I’d say perhaps I’ve done the opposite of making you stronger. And feeling humanity, isn’t that a weak point in your job? How is that saving you?
Good lord, Lilah Morgan being nice to children? The end is truly near. Be nice to her, don’t corrupt her. There are more people talking to you, and liking you, then you realize, Lilah. You just need to open your eyes and see it when you’re ready. Normally I’d say you don’t. But that comparison made me reach for drink.
//Unlock//
I thought you already did me. More then once if memory serves correctly. *smirk* More the five? I doubt there are that many songs which would apply to me. Then again, what do I know about music these days? It should.
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//Locked to everyone not Wesley//
Obviously the sun is frying your brain. I was referring to your need to save the world and your 'friends', being rather tiring. Maybe for you, but not for me. I think to forgive you have to trust, and that doesn't come easily for me. Of course the upside, you usually can't be hurt unless you trust. Except in the physical sense, of course.
Wes, everyone makes mistakes. You have every right to be forgiven. And those people, they've made them too.
Really? What kind of person am I then?
Yes, you made me stronger, maybe weaker too. But that really doesn't matter much. As far as humanity, well I hadn't actually realized you were so invested in my destroying the world. And I can't explain how it's saving me, it just is. Accept someone's gratitude for once Wes.
As far a Savannah goes, I think she's already corrupted. It's like I've found the daughter I never wanted to have. Except Buffy's all up in arms about me inviting her to move in. I know other people talk to me; now. But it's not the same. Lindsey could probably explain this better... You're telling me. But speaking in strictly logical terms there are similarities.
//Unlock//
Yes. Your memory serves you correctly. At least when it's convenient for you. I good stood up, for books I might add, when you said you'd come celebrate with me. Yeah well, some may be slightly focused on me. You were a part of my life, you know.
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//Locked to everyone not Lilah//
Ah, I see. Well, I’m sorry to exhaust you. Still, the reflex remains. Yes, that is sadly true. I am perhaps far to trusting. I’ve learned from my mistakes and don’t trust people easily these days. And of course the few people I do trust, are the ones that end up hurting me. Physically as well as emotionally. But I can’t not trust them, I need to trust someone.
But no one as much as I. Apparently, since people are so fond to keep pointing them out. Some mistakes can never be forgiven, no matter how hard you try, or how much you want it.
You are a woman who is hiding her vulnerability underneath the cloak of a…for lack of a beter word…bitch. You play the iron lady, but I know what you’re hiding Lilah. You’re very capable of caring and you do have feelings. I knew long before you told me that Connor was locked up in that building. You didn’t need to tell me that, but you did it anyway.
What does not kill you makes you stronger? I suppose that’s not very apt for us is it? I’m sorry. I have always been invested in your want to destroy the world. Or to be more accurate on how to stop you from doing so. We’ll always be in the opposite side of the fence when it comes to that. And it’s hard to accept gratitude, without thinking there might be a catch. It’s the way life has become, I’m afraid. There’s always a catch.
Savannah? Is the girl with that horrid and the turned about names? She seems…very impressionable. Ah, I know all about finding the daughter thing. I for one never expected to actually find myself caring for any child, let alone two. And I can certainly understand Buffy. You are who you are, Lilah. Or at least who you present yourself to be on the outside. Then perhaps I should ask the git? I refuse to see any similarities, even though I’m not a religious man.
//Unlock//
My memory usually serves me correctly. Unless it’s been tampered with of course. Did I mention that reflex for trying to safe the world? That was an important translation. Luckily Giles was kind enough to take over. Past tense, Lilah?
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//Locked to everyone not Wesley//
It's cool. Kind of grows on you after a while. If I'm one of those people, I'm sorry. I never actually meant to hurt you. Emotionally at least...After I got to know you, I mean. Okay, not only am I not helping my case, I'm starting to realize why talking was never really our thing.
For someone who's not religious, you sure do put a lot of weight in forgiveness, and trust, and counting your sins, and really the list could go on for a while... But I'll stop because I'd only end up making things worse for you.
Aren't you the smart one? ( I guess that's a pretty rhetorical question, huh?) You think you have me figured out. Have to say though, I'm a bit surprised. Wasn't sure if you actually realized I had feelings. And if my memory serves me, not very long ago you seemed to keep insinuating I was incapable of caring. Still you're probably right. Just don't tell anyone else, okay? I like the role I play, it suits me, most of the time at least.
Actually I was thinking more along the lines of that which gives you purpose, and let's you see that there is something worth fighting for, makes you stronger. Besides, I don't want to destroy the world. It's not about being evil or which side I'm on, Wes. I think for me... it's about self preservation.
Yeah, she's really neat Wes. Much better than that cheap knock off of me the firm produced. I mean this one, she has potential. Plus, you gotta love the Angel mock-age manpire fic.
Feel free to ask Lindsey whatever you want. Although, tell me what he says, cause he's liable to lie. Don't worry a few drinks and you'll forget all about it.
//Unlock//
Just so were clear any memory tampering you might have had, was not done be me. I know, that's why I sent you the book. Of course now Lindsey has something to hold over my head. Not really sure, you tell me.
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//Locked against people not Lilah//
That made me smile. Thank you. Bizarrely, you were never one of those people. I usually knew that you probably had an ulterior motive. It wasn’t until the end, when the lines got blurred that what you and I had confused me. Of course, it’s not that much better now that I have my memory back. It’s a lot of things to sort out, which I’m also doing over here in Sunny Hawaii. Some vacation. I think we’re not doing to bad on the talking thing. You’re doing better then my supposed friends who don’t seem to be talking to me at all. That’s a familiar feeling. At least Cordy is talking to me.
Forgiving and trust has nothing to do with religion, Lilah. But everything to do with human nature. We all yearn for someone we can trust wholeheartedly. And we all hope that one day we can be forgiven our mistakes. Some of us actually reach that goal, while others dare not even dream about it.
Considering where I am at the moment? I’d say I was so far from being the smart one, it hurts. Oh wait, it actually does. Of course I knew you had feelings. Have. But you are doing your damnest to make sure no one will ever know that I had to make certain *you* knew you had feelings. Don’t worry, your secret is safe with me. Besides, who’d I tell?
Ah, I see. Well, I’m glad I could give you at least that. And you can self persevere without that firm. Well, not anymore I suppose, I’ll have to look into that contact again perhaps.
That story was about Angel? I knew the names were fake but… Now I’m curious as to who those other names belonged to. Good bloody lord. Make certain she does not sign any contacts, Lilah.
I would, but the boy seems to be permanently busy. Does he even work? I can’t seem to find him. Well, I’ll do it when I get back. Whenever that is. Yes, that did work quite well. Thank you.
//Unlock//
Wasn’t it? Not even under the firms orders? I understand why Angel did it, I just wished he would’ve.. And then we’re back at the trust issues, which is a whole can of worm I really don’t want to open while on vacation. At least not at this very moment. You know better then to ask favors from Lindsey, Lilah. You were the one who said it. I’m the on in here talking to you. What do you think?
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//Locked against everyone not Wes//
Just telling the truth Wes. You don't have to thank me. Yeah, I know what you mean. But you did seem rather upset that one time. Which, in all fairness, I didn't think you trusted me.If I had I probably wouldn't have done what I did. And yeah confusion, pretty sure there's a lot of that going around. It's like Lindsey told me, go sort out your head. He's been offering a lot of advice lately actually...
I get that it's human nature, really I do. But you take it to a whole new level with emotional flogging.
Again, you don't give yourself credit. You're the smartest person I know and I'm not exactly a slouch in that department. Although, have to say Charles is certainly looking a whole lot smarter these days. Your problem is you're too smart for your own good. Whenever you're able to see the things that other people don't, you open yourself up for pain. Ignorance is bliss they say.
Me too. Means a lot to me. As far as the firm thing goes, I know I can. I've done it before, remember. Although, there was a messy death that followed shortly. And I could leave the firm, sure. But they'd probably drag me back, kill me again, and leave me dead this time.
Well, there was Spike, Xander...um, I tried not to read to closely. There's a possibility you may have had a short mention. ANd trust me, no contracts, at least not ones like mine.
Yes, he works. Not much, but still. He's been busy, helping me, then with Tara, and for some reason I have a strange feeling he's in trouble. I should probably try to get in touch, make sure he's okay. You're quite welcome.
//Unlock//
Trust me, I didn't want you to forget. I didn't want Angel to accept. Although, you did seem happier.I didn't ask Lindsey for any favors. I got the book by myself. I just mean, well, again, Lindsey would probably explain it better. I really don't know what to think anymore Wes. Like you said, confused.
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//Locked against everyone not Lilah//
Still, it was good to smile. Like having fun, I’d nearly forgotten how that was. The girls do a good job of that as well, I must confess. I seem upset a lot of times. Which is why, undoubtedly, I got in so much trouble in the past. I never had that problem after the Connor debacle and before the mind wipe. I’ve not entirely figured out if this was actually a good thing. How is the sorting out of your head going? And I am very glad Lindsey is not yet giving me advice.
Not being able to forgive, had nothing to do with emotional flogging and everything with knowing what is realistic and what’s not. There *are* things that never can or should be forgiven. But one can try to get over it and move on. That, however, is the hard part.
Gunn has always been smart. He didn’t really need all those things crammed up in his brain, but I guess it’s because he never had the chance to go to college. I can’t look in his head, but he seems happy with it. Still, I worry about him. It’s not good to mess with ones brain.
Perhaps, but maybe I am to *curious* for my own good. I cannot stand not seeing the bigger picture though. And when there is one and everyone knows but me but they won’t say it? Well… Ignorance, can also get you killed very quickly.
Then we’ll just have to find a way to make certain they cannot take you back anymore. Come to think of it, now that I have my memory back. *I* should look into *my* contract. Good lord.
Spike and Xander? And a maybe mention of me? Good bloody god! I certainly hope not! Perhaps you are right, this girl might already be corrupted. And good, that will at least calm Buffy down somewhat.
He does? Really? Amazing, I didn’t think he had the time. Still with Tara is he? Well, that is good I suppose. Though, he’d better not end up hurting her. When is he *not* in trouble? But I understand, he means a lot to you. Even if neither of you will admit to that.
//Unlock.//
Trust you. Funny, when it comes to this, I do. I may have seemed happier, but it wasn’t *me*. He stole who was, who I’d become through trail and error. How am I supposed to learn from my mistakes if I don’t remember them? Lindsey seems to be able to explain a lot of thing better doesn’t he? I really ought to talk to him sometime. Yes, it’s never simple is it?
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