Simpsons Script
At some point (around 1996 or so) I thought I'd be fun to write a script for the Simpsons (like, for reals). I didn't finish, but I think it's mostly pretty funny... hope you enjoy.
Abe's Simpsons Script
by Abe Pralle
HOMER'S MONITORING STATION
HOMER is sitting in a chair with his feet on the control
panels. He is eating from a box of donuts and drinking a
soda. He looks at his watch.
HOMER (thinking)
"One more minute until coffee break! One more minute
until coffee break!"
Alternating shots of Homer eating donuts, Homer drinking
soda, and seconds on watch, until seconds reach zero.
HOMER
"Woo-hoo!"
As Homer gets up to leave, an alarm buzzer comes on and a
red light blinks rapidly.
HOMER
"Ha ha, you're too late."
Homer leaves.
POP MACHINE
A short line of plant workers stands in front of a pop
machine. Homer joins the end of the line. The first
worker in line puts a coin in. The camera moves along
the outside of the pop machine as though following the
coin's movement.
PIPES
The camera tracks the coin through network of pipes
between the walls.
BURNS' OFFICE
The coin drops out of a chute into a big basket of money.
ZOOM-OUT to reveal unoccupied office with a wall of video
monitors that show pictures from surveillance cameras.
In one corner is a TELEVISION and VCR (turned off).
The door opens. MR. BURNS and SMITHERS enter. Burns
sits at the desk and Smithers stands beside him. Burns
looks at the basket of money.
BURNS
"Ah, Smithers, I do *so* love coffee breaks."
Burns and Smithers chuckle at each other. Burns looks at
monitor showing workers lined up in front of pop machine.
Alternating shots of worker putting money in machine (on
monitor) and coins dropping into basket.
Now Homer is the only one at the machine. He looks
around surreptitiously, then pounds on the machine
without putting money in. A can of soda drops out. A
CLOSEUP of the coin basket emphasizes that no coins are
dropping into it.
Burns is shocked. It takes him several moments to
recover.
BURNS
"Smithers! Did you see that?!"
SMITHERS
"Yes sir."
BURNS
"Who is that man?"
SMITHERS
"Homer Simpson, sir."
BURNS
"Simpson, eh? Is he new?"
SMITHERS
"Uh, no sir. He's been with us for quite some time."
BURNS
"Is he a good worker?"
SMITHERS
"No."
BURNS
"Then why the dickens have we kept him on?!"
SMITHERS
"Because he's cheap. We haven't given him a raise in ten
years, and he hasn't noticed. Plus he'll be the perfect
scapegoat if we ever have a meltdown."
BURNS
"Well, that's one thing but this time he's gone too far!
By not paying for that soda he's taking money directly
from my pocket! Smithers, call him to my office!"
BURNS' OFFICE
Burns, Smithers, and Homer are present.
BURNS
"Simpson, you are hereby fired forever, effective
immediately!"
HOMER (giving panicked scream)
"What'd I do?! What'd I do?!"
BURNS
"You thought you were so clever, figuring out how to get
free sodas. Well now it's my turn to laugh. Now get
out!"
HOMER (trace of anger)
"Hey, are you allowed to fire me just like that?"
BURNS (unconvincingly)
"Um, of course I can."
HOMER (sadly)
"Oh."
Homer's shoulders slump, and he turns to go.
BURNS
"Wait!"
Homer turns back, hopefully. Burns holds out his hand,
palm up.
BURNS
"I'll thank you to pay for that soda before you leave."
Homer timidly drops a few coins into Burns' hand (which
sinks lower with the weight of each coin dropped into
it), and leaves. As he walks out the door, GOVERNMENT
OFFICIALS enter. They consist of a MALE INVESTIGATOR, a
FEMALE INVESTIGATOR, a LAWYER, and two BODYGUARDS.
BURNS (snarling)
"Eh, what's happening?!"
MALE INVESTIGATOR
"Montgomery Burns, some... *things* have come to our
attention concerning the operation of the Springfield
Nuclear Power Plant."
BURNS
"Is this about that Baby Milk again?"
MALE INVESTIGATOR
"No."
Burns reaches for a button on his desk. The First
Bodyguard whips out his gun.
FIRST BODYGUARD
"Don't touch that."
A SHOT rings out and knocks the gun out of the First
Bodyguard's hand. CUT to Smithers holding a smoking gun.
Second Bodyguard pulls out his gun. There are several
seconds of tension as Smithers and Second Bodyguard face
each other.
Burns sizes up the situation, then laughs to show his
lack of concern.
BURNS
"Smithers, let's see what they want, shall we?"
SMITHERS
"Yes sir."
Smithers puts away his gun, and everyone relaxes.
The Male Investigator turns off the lights and puts a
video cassette into the VCR.
TELEVISION SCREEN
On the TV screen a baby is taking hesitant steps closer.
FEMALE VOICE
"Come to mommy! Come to mommy!"
BURNS' OFFICE
BURNS (nonplussed)
"What's this?"
MALE INVESTIGATOR
"Uh, just wait a minute."
TELEVISION SCREEN
Brief shot of baby taking steps. Then a quick burst of
static. Now we see Burns and Smithers dumping a pile of
green glowing toxic waste into a lake.
MALE INVESTIGATOR'S VOICE
"Here we go. Mr. Burns, over the past two months we have
been watching you. We have caught you dumping toxic
waste in areas hazardous to the environment, ..."
The screen now shows Burns and Smithers scooping cups of
waste into small cans.
MALE INVESTIGATOR'S VOICE
"... selling it to children as a novelty item, ..."
The screen shows Burns setting a dog-bowl full of waste in
front of a house.
MALE INVESTIGATOR'S VOICE
"... and feeding it to small animals."
The screen shows a worker dropping a vial of chemicals in
a small room. It shatters on the floor and a tall fire
leaps up. The panicked worker pulls the red fire alarm
box, but it comes off in his hand. There is a closeup of
flames licking a fire sprinkler in the ceiling. The
sprinkler begins emitting a few drops of water.
MALE INVESTIGATOR'S VOICE
"Your safety systems are old and do not work."
The screen shows some plant workers throwing glowing
green nuggets at each other in a playful fashion.
MALE INVESTIGATOR'S VOICE
"And your workers demonstrate an appalling lack of discipline."
BURNS' OFFICE
BURNS
"So... what's your point?"
MALE INVESTIGATOR
"We'll be getting to that in a minute."
TELEVISION SCREEN
The screen shows scenes of Burns being dominating and
tyrannical. He shouts at workers, he points accusingly,
and he and Smithers ride through the plant on a floating
platform, with Smither's holding Burns' arms raised in
triumph.
BURNS' OFFICE
FEMALE INVESTIGATOR
"The point is, Mr. Burns, that you're not a very nice
person. We can forgive negligence and incompetence and
even criminal behavior but not cruelty."
BURNS
"I can't help it! It's society's fault! I'm not
responsible for my actions!"
FEMALE INVESTIGATOR
"That's what we thought, too... at first. Then we
changed our minds when we discovered that you're a
Republican."
BURNS
"Of course I'm a Republican! I've got to help keep the
riffraff in their place!"
Burns realizes that he has said too much, and his look
changes from intensity to a sort of wild-eyed panic.
Smithers looks nervous for Mr. Burns.
BURNS
"Um, that is... I assure you, you've got me all wrong!
I'm just a harmless old man! I'm a very lovable person,
really! Aren't I, Smithers?"
SMITHERS (with genuine adoration)
"Oh, yes sir!"
FEMALE INVESTIGATOR (with skepticism)
"Hmm, well..."
(turns attention back to television screen)
"Look at this."
TELEVISION SCREEN
There is a closeup of a mostly flat roadkill cat.
ZOOM-OUT to show ariel view of highway with helicopter
shadow. Approaching the roadkill is a limousine.
FEMALE INVESTIGATOR'S VOICE
"Now, this is your limousine just three days ago..."
The limo goes far out of its way to make sure it hits the
roadkill, then swerves back to its normal course.
BURNS' OFFICE
Both Investigators have a tear in their eye.
FEMALE INVESTIGATOR
"There. There! That proves you are a cold, uncaring
sadist."
BURNS (after chuckling evilly to himself)
"Hmm what? Oh. No, no, that was... very compassionate,
you see. I, um, thought it might not be dead so I wanted
to put it out of its misery. Yes, that's it."
Female Investigator shoots a questioning glance at the
Male Investigator, who shrugs in return.
FEMALE INVESTIGATOR
"What about this?"
TELEVISION SCREEN
The screen shows a side view of Burns' Limousine stopping
at the intersection of two roads. Burns gets out, goes
to a road sign, and reverses the name plates above two
arrows pointing in opposite directions.
BURNS' OFFICE
BURNS (calmly)
"I saw some hoodlums messing with it. I thought I'd
change it back."
MALE INVESTIGATOR
"But it was right before you changed it."
BURNS
"How was I to know?"
FEMALE INVESTIGATOR
"How about the reports of impulsive and random firings of
your employees, often as a result of a minor infraction?"
BURNS
"Oh, totally unfounded, I assure you. That is a lie
spread by my enemies."
FEMALE INVESTIGATOR
"Who are your enemies?"
BURNS (craftily paranoid)
"Everyone is my enemy... they are all against me! I
mean... the EPA. No! The CIA. Yes, that's it."
There are general nods of agreement from everyone.
The Male Investigator frowns and points at the wall of
video monitors.
MALE INVESTIGATOR (concerned)
"Why is there no one in that monitoring station?!"
Closeup of Homer's empty station.
FEMALE INVESTIGATOR
"We'd better do a full investigation."
BURNS
"No, wait! That... that won't be necessary. The man who
works there is, er, on his coffee break."
FEMALE INVESTIGATOR
"What's the man's name?"
MALE INVESTIGATOR (in background, to himself)
"Why is that light blinking?"
BURNS
"His name? Oh, it's... Simmer Hobson."
SMITHERS (quietly)
"Homer Simpson."
BURNS
"Homer Simpson."
FEMALE INVESTIGATOR
"I'd like to do a quick interview with him while he's on
his coffee break."
MALE INVESTIGATOR (in background, to himself)
"Can that be the coolant breach alarm?"
BURNS
"Why... certainly."
Burns pushes a button, and the monitor view that the Male
Investigator had been looking at changes to Homer getting
out of an elevator. Burns grabs a microphone.
MONITOR VIEW
BURNS
"Simpson, get up to my office immediately! (pause)
Please."
HOMER
"But I thought you said I was fired forever."
BURNS
"No, no. I said... I said you were *hired* forever."
LAWYER
"I witness that."
Burns cringes at the lawyer's statement.
BURNS
"You were such a good worker, I thought I'd, er, hire you
again."
HOMER
"But I can't handle two jobs! I've got enough work
already!"
BURNS
"You misunderstand. It's only symbolic, you see."
HOMER
"Do I still get paid?"
BURNS
"Yes."
HOMER
"Woo-hoo!"
Homer gets back in the elevator.
BURNS' OFFICE
MALE INVESTIGATOR
"Well, it appears that we may have reached some hasty
conclusions. We're going to give you the benefit of the
doubt, and take no actions for now. But we'll be
watching you, so you had better convince us that you're a
good samaritan or else."
BURNS (after a pause)
"Or else what?"
FEMALE INVESTIGATOR
"Or else we'll replace you with someone who cares!"
The Government Officials leave.
SMITHERS
"What are you going to do, sir?"
BURNS
"Well I'll play their little game for now. And then,
when they least expect it... I'll tear them to shreds!
(laughs manically). Smithers, set the elevator stop at
every floor on their way down. Oh, look, it's time for
my sponge bath."
Abe's Simpsons Script
by Abe Pralle
HOMER'S MONITORING STATION
HOMER is sitting in a chair with his feet on the control
panels. He is eating from a box of donuts and drinking a
soda. He looks at his watch.
HOMER (thinking)
"One more minute until coffee break! One more minute
until coffee break!"
Alternating shots of Homer eating donuts, Homer drinking
soda, and seconds on watch, until seconds reach zero.
HOMER
"Woo-hoo!"
As Homer gets up to leave, an alarm buzzer comes on and a
red light blinks rapidly.
HOMER
"Ha ha, you're too late."
Homer leaves.
POP MACHINE
A short line of plant workers stands in front of a pop
machine. Homer joins the end of the line. The first
worker in line puts a coin in. The camera moves along
the outside of the pop machine as though following the
coin's movement.
PIPES
The camera tracks the coin through network of pipes
between the walls.
BURNS' OFFICE
The coin drops out of a chute into a big basket of money.
ZOOM-OUT to reveal unoccupied office with a wall of video
monitors that show pictures from surveillance cameras.
In one corner is a TELEVISION and VCR (turned off).
The door opens. MR. BURNS and SMITHERS enter. Burns
sits at the desk and Smithers stands beside him. Burns
looks at the basket of money.
BURNS
"Ah, Smithers, I do *so* love coffee breaks."
Burns and Smithers chuckle at each other. Burns looks at
monitor showing workers lined up in front of pop machine.
Alternating shots of worker putting money in machine (on
monitor) and coins dropping into basket.
Now Homer is the only one at the machine. He looks
around surreptitiously, then pounds on the machine
without putting money in. A can of soda drops out. A
CLOSEUP of the coin basket emphasizes that no coins are
dropping into it.
Burns is shocked. It takes him several moments to
recover.
BURNS
"Smithers! Did you see that?!"
SMITHERS
"Yes sir."
BURNS
"Who is that man?"
SMITHERS
"Homer Simpson, sir."
BURNS
"Simpson, eh? Is he new?"
SMITHERS
"Uh, no sir. He's been with us for quite some time."
BURNS
"Is he a good worker?"
SMITHERS
"No."
BURNS
"Then why the dickens have we kept him on?!"
SMITHERS
"Because he's cheap. We haven't given him a raise in ten
years, and he hasn't noticed. Plus he'll be the perfect
scapegoat if we ever have a meltdown."
BURNS
"Well, that's one thing but this time he's gone too far!
By not paying for that soda he's taking money directly
from my pocket! Smithers, call him to my office!"
BURNS' OFFICE
Burns, Smithers, and Homer are present.
BURNS
"Simpson, you are hereby fired forever, effective
immediately!"
HOMER (giving panicked scream)
"What'd I do?! What'd I do?!"
BURNS
"You thought you were so clever, figuring out how to get
free sodas. Well now it's my turn to laugh. Now get
out!"
HOMER (trace of anger)
"Hey, are you allowed to fire me just like that?"
BURNS (unconvincingly)
"Um, of course I can."
HOMER (sadly)
"Oh."
Homer's shoulders slump, and he turns to go.
BURNS
"Wait!"
Homer turns back, hopefully. Burns holds out his hand,
palm up.
BURNS
"I'll thank you to pay for that soda before you leave."
Homer timidly drops a few coins into Burns' hand (which
sinks lower with the weight of each coin dropped into
it), and leaves. As he walks out the door, GOVERNMENT
OFFICIALS enter. They consist of a MALE INVESTIGATOR, a
FEMALE INVESTIGATOR, a LAWYER, and two BODYGUARDS.
BURNS (snarling)
"Eh, what's happening?!"
MALE INVESTIGATOR
"Montgomery Burns, some... *things* have come to our
attention concerning the operation of the Springfield
Nuclear Power Plant."
BURNS
"Is this about that Baby Milk again?"
MALE INVESTIGATOR
"No."
Burns reaches for a button on his desk. The First
Bodyguard whips out his gun.
FIRST BODYGUARD
"Don't touch that."
A SHOT rings out and knocks the gun out of the First
Bodyguard's hand. CUT to Smithers holding a smoking gun.
Second Bodyguard pulls out his gun. There are several
seconds of tension as Smithers and Second Bodyguard face
each other.
Burns sizes up the situation, then laughs to show his
lack of concern.
BURNS
"Smithers, let's see what they want, shall we?"
SMITHERS
"Yes sir."
Smithers puts away his gun, and everyone relaxes.
The Male Investigator turns off the lights and puts a
video cassette into the VCR.
TELEVISION SCREEN
On the TV screen a baby is taking hesitant steps closer.
FEMALE VOICE
"Come to mommy! Come to mommy!"
BURNS' OFFICE
BURNS (nonplussed)
"What's this?"
MALE INVESTIGATOR
"Uh, just wait a minute."
TELEVISION SCREEN
Brief shot of baby taking steps. Then a quick burst of
static. Now we see Burns and Smithers dumping a pile of
green glowing toxic waste into a lake.
MALE INVESTIGATOR'S VOICE
"Here we go. Mr. Burns, over the past two months we have
been watching you. We have caught you dumping toxic
waste in areas hazardous to the environment, ..."
The screen now shows Burns and Smithers scooping cups of
waste into small cans.
MALE INVESTIGATOR'S VOICE
"... selling it to children as a novelty item, ..."
The screen shows Burns setting a dog-bowl full of waste in
front of a house.
MALE INVESTIGATOR'S VOICE
"... and feeding it to small animals."
The screen shows a worker dropping a vial of chemicals in
a small room. It shatters on the floor and a tall fire
leaps up. The panicked worker pulls the red fire alarm
box, but it comes off in his hand. There is a closeup of
flames licking a fire sprinkler in the ceiling. The
sprinkler begins emitting a few drops of water.
MALE INVESTIGATOR'S VOICE
"Your safety systems are old and do not work."
The screen shows some plant workers throwing glowing
green nuggets at each other in a playful fashion.
MALE INVESTIGATOR'S VOICE
"And your workers demonstrate an appalling lack of discipline."
BURNS' OFFICE
BURNS
"So... what's your point?"
MALE INVESTIGATOR
"We'll be getting to that in a minute."
TELEVISION SCREEN
The screen shows scenes of Burns being dominating and
tyrannical. He shouts at workers, he points accusingly,
and he and Smithers ride through the plant on a floating
platform, with Smither's holding Burns' arms raised in
triumph.
BURNS' OFFICE
FEMALE INVESTIGATOR
"The point is, Mr. Burns, that you're not a very nice
person. We can forgive negligence and incompetence and
even criminal behavior but not cruelty."
BURNS
"I can't help it! It's society's fault! I'm not
responsible for my actions!"
FEMALE INVESTIGATOR
"That's what we thought, too... at first. Then we
changed our minds when we discovered that you're a
Republican."
BURNS
"Of course I'm a Republican! I've got to help keep the
riffraff in their place!"
Burns realizes that he has said too much, and his look
changes from intensity to a sort of wild-eyed panic.
Smithers looks nervous for Mr. Burns.
BURNS
"Um, that is... I assure you, you've got me all wrong!
I'm just a harmless old man! I'm a very lovable person,
really! Aren't I, Smithers?"
SMITHERS (with genuine adoration)
"Oh, yes sir!"
FEMALE INVESTIGATOR (with skepticism)
"Hmm, well..."
(turns attention back to television screen)
"Look at this."
TELEVISION SCREEN
There is a closeup of a mostly flat roadkill cat.
ZOOM-OUT to show ariel view of highway with helicopter
shadow. Approaching the roadkill is a limousine.
FEMALE INVESTIGATOR'S VOICE
"Now, this is your limousine just three days ago..."
The limo goes far out of its way to make sure it hits the
roadkill, then swerves back to its normal course.
BURNS' OFFICE
Both Investigators have a tear in their eye.
FEMALE INVESTIGATOR
"There. There! That proves you are a cold, uncaring
sadist."
BURNS (after chuckling evilly to himself)
"Hmm what? Oh. No, no, that was... very compassionate,
you see. I, um, thought it might not be dead so I wanted
to put it out of its misery. Yes, that's it."
Female Investigator shoots a questioning glance at the
Male Investigator, who shrugs in return.
FEMALE INVESTIGATOR
"What about this?"
TELEVISION SCREEN
The screen shows a side view of Burns' Limousine stopping
at the intersection of two roads. Burns gets out, goes
to a road sign, and reverses the name plates above two
arrows pointing in opposite directions.
BURNS' OFFICE
BURNS (calmly)
"I saw some hoodlums messing with it. I thought I'd
change it back."
MALE INVESTIGATOR
"But it was right before you changed it."
BURNS
"How was I to know?"
FEMALE INVESTIGATOR
"How about the reports of impulsive and random firings of
your employees, often as a result of a minor infraction?"
BURNS
"Oh, totally unfounded, I assure you. That is a lie
spread by my enemies."
FEMALE INVESTIGATOR
"Who are your enemies?"
BURNS (craftily paranoid)
"Everyone is my enemy... they are all against me! I
mean... the EPA. No! The CIA. Yes, that's it."
There are general nods of agreement from everyone.
The Male Investigator frowns and points at the wall of
video monitors.
MALE INVESTIGATOR (concerned)
"Why is there no one in that monitoring station?!"
Closeup of Homer's empty station.
FEMALE INVESTIGATOR
"We'd better do a full investigation."
BURNS
"No, wait! That... that won't be necessary. The man who
works there is, er, on his coffee break."
FEMALE INVESTIGATOR
"What's the man's name?"
MALE INVESTIGATOR (in background, to himself)
"Why is that light blinking?"
BURNS
"His name? Oh, it's... Simmer Hobson."
SMITHERS (quietly)
"Homer Simpson."
BURNS
"Homer Simpson."
FEMALE INVESTIGATOR
"I'd like to do a quick interview with him while he's on
his coffee break."
MALE INVESTIGATOR (in background, to himself)
"Can that be the coolant breach alarm?"
BURNS
"Why... certainly."
Burns pushes a button, and the monitor view that the Male
Investigator had been looking at changes to Homer getting
out of an elevator. Burns grabs a microphone.
MONITOR VIEW
BURNS
"Simpson, get up to my office immediately! (pause)
Please."
HOMER
"But I thought you said I was fired forever."
BURNS
"No, no. I said... I said you were *hired* forever."
LAWYER
"I witness that."
Burns cringes at the lawyer's statement.
BURNS
"You were such a good worker, I thought I'd, er, hire you
again."
HOMER
"But I can't handle two jobs! I've got enough work
already!"
BURNS
"You misunderstand. It's only symbolic, you see."
HOMER
"Do I still get paid?"
BURNS
"Yes."
HOMER
"Woo-hoo!"
Homer gets back in the elevator.
BURNS' OFFICE
MALE INVESTIGATOR
"Well, it appears that we may have reached some hasty
conclusions. We're going to give you the benefit of the
doubt, and take no actions for now. But we'll be
watching you, so you had better convince us that you're a
good samaritan or else."
BURNS (after a pause)
"Or else what?"
FEMALE INVESTIGATOR
"Or else we'll replace you with someone who cares!"
The Government Officials leave.
SMITHERS
"What are you going to do, sir?"
BURNS
"Well I'll play their little game for now. And then,
when they least expect it... I'll tear them to shreds!
(laughs manically). Smithers, set the elevator stop at
every floor on their way down. Oh, look, it's time for
my sponge bath."