no longer frustrated!!!
Ok soooooooo I saw Brady....so frustration is gone for now.... And I again...asked him out "status" a word he doesn't like very much. I want to be with this guy and have the lable as boyfriend girlfriend type thing.... To me its a sign of commitment... Something that does scare the hell out of me, but with out it I feel like there is nothing there...Like either of us could go out and go do something with another person and it be "ok".... But thats not cool with me.... He doesn't like the lable. He believes relationships end faster when there is a lable... he is also a long term relationship type of guy soooooooo I am moving in 8 to 10 months...probably...most likly...and that freaks him out to.... I dont quite understand his belief on this...I know he is thinking about his past relationships...and in all it just hella freaks him out... The lable is not that important...and I know that. I also am pretty sure he just wants to stick with me and not go off with a bunch of other people... I'm doing my best to give him the benefit of the doubt but I told him tonight..that the only reason I could see why he didn't want the lable there was because it gave him the ability to go sleep around with other girls and then come back to me saying "Well we are not girlfriend/boyfriend so it doesn't matter." He said that if he wanted to lable or not he would not care...but that just because the lables not there doesn't mean he wants to.... I want to believe him but its hard... So he is going to think about it and for not its not we are not technically going out....We have a thing with out the lables.
I WANT THE GOD DAMN LABLE!!! I can not believe I want the damn lable so bad...usually I am just the way he is being right now...where I like not having the lable...but I find myself this time wanting it really bad...Maybe its cuz he doesn't that I do...Usually in the past its been the other way around... and I used it as my way to get out of relationships easily with out the drama...EKKK... It freaks me out to...it freaks me out that I want the freaking god damn go to hell lable....but I do I really really really really want it! My friends would all be laughing at me right now if they knew I was actually writing this down....cuz they have known me as the no-lable no-relationship no-commitment type of girl.... Well I must say...this girl is changing....and I dont quite know if its a good thing or a bad thing yet.... Maybe its neither but either way its freaking me out a bit....ok a little more than a bit.... ok alot!
Ok stop breathe....and let go!
Now question...why the hell did I just write all this for the world to see....wait does the world see it...I dont know...I haven't quite figured this thing out yet....ahhh I guess I dont really care...its a journal right....so I can say what ever the hell I feel like saying right....Ok then good....so I said what was on my mind....so screw me....Ok only kidding....ummm...yeah.... I just feel like typing....I should get a journal...wait I think I have one...but I hate writing...its so annoying my hand starts hurting because I will press down really hard if I get into it but then I dont want to stop writing cuz I'm all into it and shit....but with typing I can type pretty fast and my hands are able to keep up with my mind and so I like typing...ummmmmmmm yeah....
Ok so sometimes my mind can get a little strange....Ok most of the time its strange....Ok put it this way...when its normal...I'm either asleep or.....or.... or...ummmm.... or I have my headphones on and I am just draining out my brain of the toxins which inhabit it.... Weird how music can do that....very weird...I mean I love music...its all ways been my way out of pretty much everything...and for a long time...actually it still works...when I get really really angry (which thankfully doesn't happen alot anymore!) I can just put on some music and as I listen to the words and the beat the anger is just taken into the music and taken out of me....I love it!
Ok well I think I have typed enough.....ya'll can all think that I am insane now...but whatever!! I dont give a shit what people think about me.....hehehe...as long as its always good.....hehe only kidding...kinda!