waycest ficlet/drabble thing.
TITLE: Trying To Keep An Innocent Love. (Drabble)
PAIRING: Gerard/Mikey (Waycest of the emotional variety).
RATING: PG-13
SUMMARY: Gerard loves his brother, but it's practially his worst nightmare to think Mikey could ever feel the same.
DISCLAIMER: Not real in any way. Absolute fiction.
WARNING: INCEST.
Gerard had never really paid attention to the way Mikey looked at him, listened to him, hung off his every word and defended him at school, even though the kids would pick on Mikey just for being 'that weird kid Gerard's brother'. Even after Gerard had left.
Deep down he didn't want to aknowledge the way it made him feel when Mikey looked at him with bright eyes and wonder, a smile playing on his lips as he explained his latest obsession to his younger brother. But there was one obsession he would never tell, never dare let out because it was too shameful, too wrong, and if he was destined for Hell's ever-burning pit for touching himself while thinking about the way Mikey's hips swayed, or the way his slender fingers closed around Gerard's wrist when he'd pull him closer to whisper something, then it wasn't a path he wanted Mikey to join him on.
The only way he could think to keep his brother away from the same burning, terrifying love that ate away at him day after day, was to keep it to himself.
He'd noticed though, when Mikey had started to 'turn', as he called it in his head. The way he wouldn't just sit with Gerard on his bed anymore while they read comics together, but would use the fact that they'd always lain so close to one another, as a mask to get even closer. To slide his fingers along Gerard's spine while Gerard read aloud to him, trying to pretend it was something idle, that he didn't know he was doing it.
He'd hugged Gerard tighter, claimed more nightmares than he truly had, just to be able to slide into bed with him and have Gerard hold him.
Mikey was fifteen when his nightmares got so bad again that he felt he needed his brother's comfort, and Gerard suspected Mikey knew just as well as he did, that it wasn't right anymore, wasn't necessary. But at the same time it was so necessary that Gerard would sometimes chuck a bundle of socks at Mikey's sleeping form, just to startle him into crawling in with him for a while.
It hurt Gerard to realize Mikey was afflicted with the same awful need for the other's skin that he was, and wanted so desperately to tell him that he wasn't alone in it. That it was okay even though it really wasn't.
On the rare occasions he'd brought a girlfriend home, he'd stare through half-lidded eyes at Mikey watching them kiss, too scared that if he closed them he wouldn't be able to stop wishing it were his brother instead. In the shower was the only place he could ever let out his frustrations, his needs and fantasies, becaue the shower was somewhat broken, and he could get away with being reasonably loud under the cover of the buzz/hiss the unit made above him. It wasn't absolutely certain though, that Gerard wasn't just on the edge of way too vocal each time he imagined how Mikey might quiver beneath him, panting his name the only way he ever wanted to hear Mikey say it.
When Mikey had turned eighteen, Gerard realized he'd been keeping a journal. He'd see Mikey writing in it late at night, whilst Gerard pretended to be asleep, and he'd glance in Gerard's direction every now and then just to check. Sometimes he tried to bait Gerard into admitting he was awake, sloping over to his bed and whispering that he loved him, looking for signs of movement. Satisfied he wasn't being watched, Mikey would go back and continue writing, and Gerard would turn over, mouth an, "I love you, too," while trying not to let out the desperate tears that stung his eyes at the thought of never being able to have what he so badly desired.
Mikey was always protective over his journal, hiding it away so that Gerard would never find it, so it was odd for Gerard to see it just laying on his own bed one day, open for all to see when he came home early from his part-time job. Against his better judgement he sat next to it, not daring to touch it just yet, simply scanning the open pages with his eyes. It was that day's entry, informing him that Mikey had once again ("Again? What the..."), been laying in Gerard's bed, jerking off while thinking about him. Gerard couldn't not look at what else was in there, quickly flicking through page after page of Mikey writing about how they'd watched TV together, brushed arms or fingers when passing each other, how he wished just once that Gerard would admit to the feelings Mikey seemed to know they shared for each other.
He felt awful, disgusted, like he'd somehow corrupted his brother without ever uttering a word about the subject, but most of all he felt bad for Mikey, who had so much potential, so much to learn outside of the little world they'd built around each other. He turned back through the pages, trying to find the latest one and leave it looking untouched, but having heard Mikey thumping down the stairs made Gerard panic, and he ran for the shower, stripping off and getting in before the water was even warm.
And that's where he's ended up, hiding from his beloved brother and the wretched feelings he has for him, cowering in the shower and just willing Mikey to go out for a while, hide his journal and never leave it laying around again. It doesn't happen though, he can hear Mikey step into the bathroom, like he has many a time when Gerard's been showering, or the other way around, and he can see a faint shadow through the curtain. It's coming closer, and Gerard's breath catches, he feels like he's in Psycho, and about to be the unfortunate shower victim, when suddenly Mikey's hand presses againt the plastic. Just a single hand and nothing more.
And then...
"Gee? I know," Mikey whispers, just loud enough for him to hear, "I know you read it. And I know."
Gerard can't talk, can't say anthing at all, just puts his splayed fingers and palm to the outline of his brother's briefly, until they both slide away from the curtain and Mikey leaves, Gerard slumping down into the corner and staring at his hand like it burns from the only real contact they've shared honestly.
Thing go on much the same after that. Gerard pretends not to notice Mikey's foot rubbing against his own underneath the dinner table while they eat with their parents, and Mikey pretends he doesn't know Gerard is watching him when he writes about him in his journal.
But he does leave it where only Gerard will find it, and Gerard reads it, so that each time Mikey gets into the bed with him and presses a barely-there kiss to his shoulder, Gerard can return it with one against Mikey's temple, and know they're still on the same page, even if the writing is so screwed up no-one else would understand it.
PAIRING: Gerard/Mikey (Waycest of the emotional variety).
RATING: PG-13
SUMMARY: Gerard loves his brother, but it's practially his worst nightmare to think Mikey could ever feel the same.
DISCLAIMER: Not real in any way. Absolute fiction.
WARNING: INCEST.
Gerard had never really paid attention to the way Mikey looked at him, listened to him, hung off his every word and defended him at school, even though the kids would pick on Mikey just for being 'that weird kid Gerard's brother'. Even after Gerard had left.
Deep down he didn't want to aknowledge the way it made him feel when Mikey looked at him with bright eyes and wonder, a smile playing on his lips as he explained his latest obsession to his younger brother. But there was one obsession he would never tell, never dare let out because it was too shameful, too wrong, and if he was destined for Hell's ever-burning pit for touching himself while thinking about the way Mikey's hips swayed, or the way his slender fingers closed around Gerard's wrist when he'd pull him closer to whisper something, then it wasn't a path he wanted Mikey to join him on.
The only way he could think to keep his brother away from the same burning, terrifying love that ate away at him day after day, was to keep it to himself.
He'd noticed though, when Mikey had started to 'turn', as he called it in his head. The way he wouldn't just sit with Gerard on his bed anymore while they read comics together, but would use the fact that they'd always lain so close to one another, as a mask to get even closer. To slide his fingers along Gerard's spine while Gerard read aloud to him, trying to pretend it was something idle, that he didn't know he was doing it.
He'd hugged Gerard tighter, claimed more nightmares than he truly had, just to be able to slide into bed with him and have Gerard hold him.
Mikey was fifteen when his nightmares got so bad again that he felt he needed his brother's comfort, and Gerard suspected Mikey knew just as well as he did, that it wasn't right anymore, wasn't necessary. But at the same time it was so necessary that Gerard would sometimes chuck a bundle of socks at Mikey's sleeping form, just to startle him into crawling in with him for a while.
It hurt Gerard to realize Mikey was afflicted with the same awful need for the other's skin that he was, and wanted so desperately to tell him that he wasn't alone in it. That it was okay even though it really wasn't.
On the rare occasions he'd brought a girlfriend home, he'd stare through half-lidded eyes at Mikey watching them kiss, too scared that if he closed them he wouldn't be able to stop wishing it were his brother instead. In the shower was the only place he could ever let out his frustrations, his needs and fantasies, becaue the shower was somewhat broken, and he could get away with being reasonably loud under the cover of the buzz/hiss the unit made above him. It wasn't absolutely certain though, that Gerard wasn't just on the edge of way too vocal each time he imagined how Mikey might quiver beneath him, panting his name the only way he ever wanted to hear Mikey say it.
When Mikey had turned eighteen, Gerard realized he'd been keeping a journal. He'd see Mikey writing in it late at night, whilst Gerard pretended to be asleep, and he'd glance in Gerard's direction every now and then just to check. Sometimes he tried to bait Gerard into admitting he was awake, sloping over to his bed and whispering that he loved him, looking for signs of movement. Satisfied he wasn't being watched, Mikey would go back and continue writing, and Gerard would turn over, mouth an, "I love you, too," while trying not to let out the desperate tears that stung his eyes at the thought of never being able to have what he so badly desired.
Mikey was always protective over his journal, hiding it away so that Gerard would never find it, so it was odd for Gerard to see it just laying on his own bed one day, open for all to see when he came home early from his part-time job. Against his better judgement he sat next to it, not daring to touch it just yet, simply scanning the open pages with his eyes. It was that day's entry, informing him that Mikey had once again ("Again? What the..."), been laying in Gerard's bed, jerking off while thinking about him. Gerard couldn't not look at what else was in there, quickly flicking through page after page of Mikey writing about how they'd watched TV together, brushed arms or fingers when passing each other, how he wished just once that Gerard would admit to the feelings Mikey seemed to know they shared for each other.
He felt awful, disgusted, like he'd somehow corrupted his brother without ever uttering a word about the subject, but most of all he felt bad for Mikey, who had so much potential, so much to learn outside of the little world they'd built around each other. He turned back through the pages, trying to find the latest one and leave it looking untouched, but having heard Mikey thumping down the stairs made Gerard panic, and he ran for the shower, stripping off and getting in before the water was even warm.
And that's where he's ended up, hiding from his beloved brother and the wretched feelings he has for him, cowering in the shower and just willing Mikey to go out for a while, hide his journal and never leave it laying around again. It doesn't happen though, he can hear Mikey step into the bathroom, like he has many a time when Gerard's been showering, or the other way around, and he can see a faint shadow through the curtain. It's coming closer, and Gerard's breath catches, he feels like he's in Psycho, and about to be the unfortunate shower victim, when suddenly Mikey's hand presses againt the plastic. Just a single hand and nothing more.
And then...
"Gee? I know," Mikey whispers, just loud enough for him to hear, "I know you read it. And I know."
Gerard can't talk, can't say anthing at all, just puts his splayed fingers and palm to the outline of his brother's briefly, until they both slide away from the curtain and Mikey leaves, Gerard slumping down into the corner and staring at his hand like it burns from the only real contact they've shared honestly.
Thing go on much the same after that. Gerard pretends not to notice Mikey's foot rubbing against his own underneath the dinner table while they eat with their parents, and Mikey pretends he doesn't know Gerard is watching him when he writes about him in his journal.
But he does leave it where only Gerard will find it, and Gerard reads it, so that each time Mikey gets into the bed with him and presses a barely-there kiss to his shoulder, Gerard can return it with one against Mikey's temple, and know they're still on the same page, even if the writing is so screwed up no-one else would understand it.