I tried and it didn't work out.
I wrote this entry almost 6 years ago. It sums up how I've lived (or tried to live) for the past decade or so. But, I don't think it's working. I'm not getting the results that I expected. In fact, my life has slowly devolved into a flaming pile of shit. Everything in my life has been getting shittier, except a few things that seemed to be getting
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i've recovered from major depression and from a period in my life where i repeatedly abandoned and destroyed relationships and career, trying to free myself from misery. my life is much better now -- i have everything i ever wanted, really, though it's hard work.
i didn't stop loving. i learned to have boundaries, strict ones. i learned to take care of myself properly and stand on my own two feet. i spent some time alone, and it was good -- it made me confront the fact that my behavior was the ultimate source of all my problems.
love doesn't mean being a doormat or having to accept others' bad behavior. it means nurturing and respecting yourself and choosing others who will also nurture and respect you. sometimes figuring out how to do that requires being alone, so you can't look for the solution to your problems outside of yourself. before i could have healthy relationships, i had to become healthy myself.
very best of luck. therapy was very helpful to me, as was the book _the dance of anger._
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I've been chewing on all of this for the past couple of weeks and talking it over with a few people. "Have more boundaries" seems to be the common suggestion, but I don't want to. My compulsion is to open myself up more and more, since more love and compassion, rather than less, seems like the way to make everything better. I want to live in a world where infinite, open, honest love really doesn't make a lasting difference, but it seems like it doesn't work that way. I don't understand why.
I'll take a look at The Dance of Anger.
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