Momento Mori

Sep 09, 2003 16:41

RIP Edith Bothwell September 5, 2003

Well, as of Friday, I am officially without one single grandparent. My grandmother had heart problems for a very long time. In early July, she was put on oxygen, and early September, she caught pneumonia. The doctors could do nothing for her, so she decided she wanted a valium and a sleeping pill, and she told the doctors to turn down her oxygen levels. My mom was VERY upset. She couldn't even talk to me about it. I barely knew her at all. She rarely talked to me, my brothers would tell me stories of about how mean she was to them, and we recently found out that when my mom was a baby she abandoned her and my aunt, and ran off with some guy. Through my mom's entire life, she thought that her birth father had kidnapped her, when really my grandmother left her for dead and called my mother's birth father's parents and told them what she was doing. On the phone, my mom said that in her last few days, she told my mom she was sorry for how she treated my brothers. Another small bit of information I know about my grandmother is that she could crush beer cans between her breasts.

How can I mourn someone that I don't know? How can I mourn someone who did so many terrible things? Why did this upset me so much? I don't know.

For any of you that didn't know, my dad is in the hospital right now. They have him on some major dialysis so they can alleviate the fluid in his body so that they can take out his gall bladder and return him to dialysis. I have been so worried about him. I have really gotten in touch with my faith since I have been at Saint Thomas. It is hard not to when there are priest all over the place (including teaching my classes), and in the center of my school is a church. But, when my grandmother was in the hospital with pneumonia, and my mom and dad were watching her die, I prayed. I asked God if he was going to take away someone in my family, to please take my grandmother instead of my dad. My reasoning being that she had lived longer and I did not feel that I had adequate time with my father. I NEED HIM TOO MUCH!! I CANNOT LIVE WITH OUT HIM! 20 years is simply not enough. My mother had 59 years with her mother. It simply isn't fair. So, I prayed then as I am praying now, Don't take my dad away from me now. I miss him so much and I want to be with him so much right now, and I can't. I need him to be alive and healthy in Florida when I come home for Thanksgiving, AND for Christmas, I need him to walk me down the aisle, WHENEVER that should happen. I want MY kids to have GRANDPARENTS, unlike ME who had NONE! It would not be fair. Don't take him away from me.

Anyway, so of course in a way I feel responsible for my grandmother's death, even though I know that my request had nothing to do with her dying, and will have no effect on my father's well being. And, no matter how it makes me feel, what is going to happen, is going to happen. I just hope God will give me the strength to go on.

I hope everyone else is doing well in school. Even the ones who won't talk to me.

PS. Momento Mori is Latin for Remember to die
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