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[nostrils]

i feel bad that i ruined so many people. and i don't know how i am JUST NOW seeing and realizing it. i've really fucked up a lot of human beings. IN THE HEAD! i can't believe it. i can't believe myself. i never really meant to, it just sort of happened. but, there has been quite a few. male and female. but i think now, about them and how they are

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[anonymous]

I swore I would never say a word to you again. I swore that I would cut off all ties to you, never even associate with anyone who called you a friend. But despite all my efforts, you're still there. You're still right down the street from me, and I still think about you. The simple fact that I'm reading this post proves that a small part of me still wants to know how you're doing, still cares about your well-being. So, now that you realize the effect you've had on people's lives, the effect you've had on my life... It's time for honesty, pure and simple. Here it is:

When I first met you, I thought you were one of the coolest girls in that school. Everything about you was just so... abnormal. And I loved it. I couldn't get enough of it. Probably because I hated the idea of "normal". Everyone who I considered "normal" had always been mean to me, looked down on me. But not you. I wanted to spend more and more time with you, because I wanted to be more like you. I wanted to look those "normal" people in the eye, say "Fuck you!" and do my own thing.

So when you started skipping school, I followed. When you started taking coricidin, I thought it might be worth a try. When you wanted to steal money from my parents' change jar, I thought it was one hell of an idea. When you decided to start doing xanax, I was right there behind you.

And you're right. No one ever pointed a gun to my head and told me to drink this, eat that, steal this, inhale that. But I can't help but wonder if I would have done even half of these things if I had never met you. Is my life better for it? Is it worse? I don't think anyone knows the answer to that question. What I do know is that I am who I am today, in part, because of the influence you have had on me. I only wish it had been a more positive influence.

Lindsey, you have a gift. You are one of the most influential people I know. You have this addictive aura about you, that captivates all those who come close. You are one of the easiest people to love, and the hardest to leave. So, I have a proposition for you: Why not use this gift to bring a good influence to people's lives, instead of bad?

Do you know the one thing people take away from a relationship with you, as of right now? "I don't want to turn out like her." Is that what you want? Wouldn't you rather them say, "I want to be more like her"? I used to say that about you, a long time ago. Somewhere along the way it changed; I'm not really sure when, but it did. It's obviously too late to mend any friendship you had with me, but think about all the people you have yet to meet. Think about all the lives you haven't touched yet. Don't you want to try to change them for the better?

If it's true that you do want to write a book on your life, what do you want people to take away from it? Do you want them to read it and think, "wow, what a fucked up life she had, thank God I'm not like her" or do you want them to take away an understanding of what it is to go down the path of addiction and to emerge a better person? Think about that. The answer to that question will determine your outlook on the rest of your life.

I'm not writing this as an outreached hand, or as a spiteful remark. Think of it more as a parting gift. Please make the most of the time you have left, Lindsey, life is just too damned short.

-- Grandpa Fox

P.S. We have moved on and let go of the past, let go of old friendships, and now it's your turn.