Where do you move when what you're moving from is yourself?
so i like how i drove by florida avenue on my way home last night, only to see my sister's car getting pulled over by tarpon police. no good for her, because she's always riding dirty. i called her cell phone and asked her what happened. she tells me she's in the back of the cop car as we speak, and she's being arrested for possession of marijuana. it doesn't help that she's out on a felony bond either. i don't know. usually shit like this doesn't bother me because i'm so fucking used to it happening to someone i know. but the more i think about it, the more it does get to me.
it's this love/hate relationship with drugs. i see the appeal, and i see how one false move can ruin your entire fucking life. i have had my experience with drugs. any drug that i've wanted to try, i've done it. and for what? what did i gain from it? i feel less intelligent, that's about it. i don't get it. i don't get myself. i don't know why i keep going back for more, when i see and witness other people's lives being fucked over something as stupid as a plant. i don't want to say that pot is a drug, because i think overwise, but when it comes down to it, that is what it is. and it'll probably further you into doing other drugs. i hate to admit that, but it's true. if i never started smoking pot, i'd have a lot more going for me. people wouldn't talk shit about me and how all i do is sit "around and get fucked up." haha! if they only knew how it was the past two years or so.
trust me, i have cut down very much on whatever it is i used to do. moreso the pills. but it took getting baceracted for me to stop doing the xanax so much .. even though it is always in the back of my head.
not that i'm blaming other people either. i know damn well that i made my own decisions. i just love putting the blame on anyone but myself. i can't help it.
i just wish my sister and i weren't such fuck-ups. i usually brush it off like it's no big deal, but this time, it's different. my brother turned out fine. no drug problems. no run-ins with the law. he was a good kid. me and my sister? totally different story. we're both so fucked in the head. and for once in my life, i want to strive to impress my parents. i've been striving to please all the wrong people. all the wrong fucking people. i'm realizing i have no relationship with either my mother or father. feelings aren't talked about, and if you cry in front of them, that means you're fucked up on something. this family of mine hasn't ever been too good with emotions, and that was passed onto me, but something made me change. i think the whole alyssia disaster kind of scarred me for life. whoever said that the only way to find true happiness is to risk being completely cut open was right.
i wish more people would realize before they get sucked in, that drugs aren't glamorous. people who are young and naive seem to think that, and i just laugh at them. because they have no fucking idea how self-destroying it can be.
and it scares me. it honestly scares me because i don't know what the fuck it's going to take for any of us to stop.