The balance is back
I feel like myself again today. Which is nice. So hopefully a journal less full of whinging again for a while! Instead I shall fill it with joy, happiness and intellectual debate.
Staring tomorrow.
Maybe.
I am considering chopping a bunch of people from here like. Much as Kay seems to be having the exact same thoughts simultaneously. I've only ever had an active audience of about three people, and I still do, but my general readership has increased, and its increased to people I don't know as well as those I used to. For a long time the only people who read this were rach, who I tell everything anyway (enough that when I embellish the truth on here she actually knows the full story...), Gav who despite us not getting on all the time have a complicated enough history where not sharing this stuff seems pointless. We've both seen each other at our worst so what difference does it make. The only other person who read it was Craig who anyone can trust with anything, and I can more than most. Then I lost the two boys and it did seem that for a long time this thing was almost a correspondence to myself and Rachael. I liked that. I could be totally honest, name names and lay myself bare a bit. This of course meant that I didn't really want other people having access to it. I mean, I couldn't even tell Lyndsay about it (I mean, there stuff about me damn near hooking up with her sister in here!) So I dunno, I'm kind of torn. Do I want a useful journal which is mostly private and between one and two people at most, which is what a journal is for really I guess...or do I want to have something more general that isn't as meaningful but also wont cause me much embarrassment when I read back through it, or more importantly when someone else I give a damn about reads back through it.
The answer is of course both. I'm gonna have to start learning to use those group things I think. And I have to ask my readership to please only discuss this damn thing with myself since you now wont be able to know which of the people on here has read what. Also, remember that a lot of people don't even know this exists so try not to mention it in any other media, format or conversation. It will save me much embarrassment since there really is stuff on here that makes me cringe, but which I've kept because I find myself as fascinating as I do all the other people I meet. Seriously read back through this thing and bear in mind all the stuff I also say in person. I'm quite an interesting character, and not always in a good way! Generally I am. I do find comfort that I seem to spend so much of my life wracked with guilt over very minor things. That's a shame since I think I'd be a lot more proactive without it! I do sometimes think I blow these things up out of fear of failure like. But I probably shouldn't psychoanalyse myself, since I will of course lie to myself!
Anyway, what am I waffling on about? Oh yes. I'm back to feeling a little normal again, which means I smile all the time at the minute. A few days self pity is good for you I maintain, so long as you manage to snap out of it! And yeah, this thing is going to become a bit more private. I'm disclosing too much to people that in some cases I don't think care all that much about me anyway, and in others to people I'm not comfortable disclosing so much to. I'm a very withdrawn guy really. I'd rather talk about other peoples problems than my own. Often this is how I solve my own problems anyway. Or more often see what I should do then refuse because as much as I admire my reasoning abilities, I love my soul a whole lot more. I quite like that I punish myself so much in all honesty. It reminds me I'm not a prick. I'm also happy too frequently to be called a whingy git (well, generally speaking! But hey, we all have to deal with stuff sometimes!). I have a good life, but life is hard, so even the good ones are punctuated with shit streaks right!
Staring tomorrow.
Maybe.
I am considering chopping a bunch of people from here like. Much as Kay seems to be having the exact same thoughts simultaneously. I've only ever had an active audience of about three people, and I still do, but my general readership has increased, and its increased to people I don't know as well as those I used to. For a long time the only people who read this were rach, who I tell everything anyway (enough that when I embellish the truth on here she actually knows the full story...), Gav who despite us not getting on all the time have a complicated enough history where not sharing this stuff seems pointless. We've both seen each other at our worst so what difference does it make. The only other person who read it was Craig who anyone can trust with anything, and I can more than most. Then I lost the two boys and it did seem that for a long time this thing was almost a correspondence to myself and Rachael. I liked that. I could be totally honest, name names and lay myself bare a bit. This of course meant that I didn't really want other people having access to it. I mean, I couldn't even tell Lyndsay about it (I mean, there stuff about me damn near hooking up with her sister in here!) So I dunno, I'm kind of torn. Do I want a useful journal which is mostly private and between one and two people at most, which is what a journal is for really I guess...or do I want to have something more general that isn't as meaningful but also wont cause me much embarrassment when I read back through it, or more importantly when someone else I give a damn about reads back through it.
The answer is of course both. I'm gonna have to start learning to use those group things I think. And I have to ask my readership to please only discuss this damn thing with myself since you now wont be able to know which of the people on here has read what. Also, remember that a lot of people don't even know this exists so try not to mention it in any other media, format or conversation. It will save me much embarrassment since there really is stuff on here that makes me cringe, but which I've kept because I find myself as fascinating as I do all the other people I meet. Seriously read back through this thing and bear in mind all the stuff I also say in person. I'm quite an interesting character, and not always in a good way! Generally I am. I do find comfort that I seem to spend so much of my life wracked with guilt over very minor things. That's a shame since I think I'd be a lot more proactive without it! I do sometimes think I blow these things up out of fear of failure like. But I probably shouldn't psychoanalyse myself, since I will of course lie to myself!
Anyway, what am I waffling on about? Oh yes. I'm back to feeling a little normal again, which means I smile all the time at the minute. A few days self pity is good for you I maintain, so long as you manage to snap out of it! And yeah, this thing is going to become a bit more private. I'm disclosing too much to people that in some cases I don't think care all that much about me anyway, and in others to people I'm not comfortable disclosing so much to. I'm a very withdrawn guy really. I'd rather talk about other peoples problems than my own. Often this is how I solve my own problems anyway. Or more often see what I should do then refuse because as much as I admire my reasoning abilities, I love my soul a whole lot more. I quite like that I punish myself so much in all honesty. It reminds me I'm not a prick. I'm also happy too frequently to be called a whingy git (well, generally speaking! But hey, we all have to deal with stuff sometimes!). I have a good life, but life is hard, so even the good ones are punctuated with shit streaks right!