Into a vicious cycle...
...is where I'm going.
It's barely 2pm and I'm already starting on a glass of wine. With a touch of pain killers. Do I think life is that miserable to do these things? Possibly. It does help me calm down quite a lot. I've been feeling so much these past few weeks and it's becoming unbearable. I wish and wish that I could become callous, become as tough as she was. But I know I'll never be able to be as tough as she was because I'm really weak and full of emotion. I'd like to think that I can hide everything from the world but I have so many cracks that it all shows. I've been trying so hard to contain myself and my flaws without the help of medication but it's so fucking hard. I'm trying not to be so co-dependent but it's not working. At all. I have never taken the time out to try to make myself happy. I've always been the kind of person that looks out for her friends first. Which isn't a bad thing. I love being there for my friends and being able to help them..but there comes that point in life where you have to put YOU first. I'm not good at doing this. I don't know how to make myself happy because the things I once cherished don't have any desire to me anymore. I have moved far from my close circle of friends leaving me empty and lonely. I'm still trying to cope not being able to visit with a few friends as often as I liked. It's killing me. I hate being so damn lonely but I think it all comes down to it being my fault. For far too long I have depended on others to make me happy, to make things all better for me and to make it all go away. Now, I don't have that anymore. I haven't had that for a very long time and I still haven't gotten used to it. In all honesty, I'm clueless as to what I should do. I coop myself up in my room, listen to music and surf the net. Non-stop. Like the old days. I can slowly see myself slip into the past, into the old me. I think I've grown more weak. I keep picking at all my flaws only to make myself feel worse. I hate waking up and looking into the mirror because I see what I thought had runaway forever. The old me. I need to fucking snap out of it, meet new people and have fun. But it's not that easy! I clam up when it comes to meeting new people. I just sit there like a bump on a log, listen to the others and snicker every few minutes at something stupid. I wish I could just be 'happy-go-lucky' and meet all these wonderful, wonderful people! I wish I could hug them and hold them and never let go. Oh, to feel the love of a friend again. To share all those moments together, to share that bond that nobody else understands. How I miss it. I miss so much. And so much of it I know I'll never be able to get back. It's in the past and I try my best to not go back, to not live there. But obviously, I'm doing a horrible job. Meh. I hope I snap out of this SOON. I'm not only hurting myself but Will as well. I'm showing him my true colors and it's a messy thing. I want to be strong willed. I want to be callous and be able to hide everything. I want to be able to hold back all the tears (which I'm getting good at). I want everybody to think of me as a strong young woman who can handle anything that comes her way. Perhaps, I have to believe that before anybody else can. Maybe I have to believe everything that I just put down for anybody else to believe? Who knows anymore?!
It's barely 2pm and I'm already starting on a glass of wine. With a touch of pain killers. Do I think life is that miserable to do these things? Possibly. It does help me calm down quite a lot. I've been feeling so much these past few weeks and it's becoming unbearable. I wish and wish that I could become callous, become as tough as she was. But I know I'll never be able to be as tough as she was because I'm really weak and full of emotion. I'd like to think that I can hide everything from the world but I have so many cracks that it all shows. I've been trying so hard to contain myself and my flaws without the help of medication but it's so fucking hard. I'm trying not to be so co-dependent but it's not working. At all. I have never taken the time out to try to make myself happy. I've always been the kind of person that looks out for her friends first. Which isn't a bad thing. I love being there for my friends and being able to help them..but there comes that point in life where you have to put YOU first. I'm not good at doing this. I don't know how to make myself happy because the things I once cherished don't have any desire to me anymore. I have moved far from my close circle of friends leaving me empty and lonely. I'm still trying to cope not being able to visit with a few friends as often as I liked. It's killing me. I hate being so damn lonely but I think it all comes down to it being my fault. For far too long I have depended on others to make me happy, to make things all better for me and to make it all go away. Now, I don't have that anymore. I haven't had that for a very long time and I still haven't gotten used to it. In all honesty, I'm clueless as to what I should do. I coop myself up in my room, listen to music and surf the net. Non-stop. Like the old days. I can slowly see myself slip into the past, into the old me. I think I've grown more weak. I keep picking at all my flaws only to make myself feel worse. I hate waking up and looking into the mirror because I see what I thought had runaway forever. The old me. I need to fucking snap out of it, meet new people and have fun. But it's not that easy! I clam up when it comes to meeting new people. I just sit there like a bump on a log, listen to the others and snicker every few minutes at something stupid. I wish I could just be 'happy-go-lucky' and meet all these wonderful, wonderful people! I wish I could hug them and hold them and never let go. Oh, to feel the love of a friend again. To share all those moments together, to share that bond that nobody else understands. How I miss it. I miss so much. And so much of it I know I'll never be able to get back. It's in the past and I try my best to not go back, to not live there. But obviously, I'm doing a horrible job. Meh. I hope I snap out of this SOON. I'm not only hurting myself but Will as well. I'm showing him my true colors and it's a messy thing. I want to be strong willed. I want to be callous and be able to hide everything. I want to be able to hold back all the tears (which I'm getting good at). I want everybody to think of me as a strong young woman who can handle anything that comes her way. Perhaps, I have to believe that before anybody else can. Maybe I have to believe everything that I just put down for anybody else to believe? Who knows anymore?!