So...
Just so I don't cry on my poor kid's shoulder again tonight, I figure I ought to write about it. Laura will be 22 in about 2 hours and 15 minutes (her time). This is the third birthday I've been cut off from. Seems kind of cold considering I carried her in my body, went through hell to give birth, kept her safe, then put up with her adolescent "fuck offs."
Yeah. So. Not much I can say about that. Hurts like a bitch. Wish it was different. Nothing I could write would scratch the surface. I like to kid myself and imagine she doesn't know how hurt I am. That she doesn't realize what a hole she left in my heart. Maybe she doesn't. I hope so. I wouldn't want her to live with it.
Jen, on the other hand, I hope she knows. I hope she feels shame - she should. At the same time, I hope for my own sake I can forgive her someday. That's not to say I ever want her in my life. I do not. That cut was too deep. It was premeditated. I don't think Laura's was. I put a lot of weight on motive. It's the Kantian in me.
Life is not simple - it's complicated. People more so. I'll never pretend to understand it or them. Sometimes, there simply are no good reasons - just the ones we invent in our heads. The ones we use to justify our actions. Sometimes, it just is what it is. But sometimes it just leaves you feeling dead inside. Or worse - alive and in great pain. Love is hard. Hate's easy. Anger is easy. But love is fucking hard, and sometimes it's fucking painful.
For me, right now, it's fucking hard, and fucking painful. I try to listen to the people, like Ele, who tell me it isn't my fault. But the truth is, in my head, it's always my fault. Everyone I've ever loved and lost, it was always my fault. The "if only" hits - irrational as that is. And yes, I know it's irrational. And I know, intellectually, I did the best I possibly could at the time. But in times of sadness, it's cold comfort. Intellectualism doesn't heal wounds. It just helps us view them scientifically.
I don't regret being a mother. I sometimes regret becoming a mother with John. Jen is an uncontrollable hurricane that has whipped through several people's lives. I want to pity her. I want to forgive her. But I'm not there yet. And forget about trust. Two strikes - I give EVERYONE two strikes. I had a therapist tell me that was damn generous considering my history - and she was right. But it pains me that I can't give my own offspring more than two. But I do know her now. I know what she is. And it makes me sad that I brought her into the world that way. As her parent, it makes me sad. I wouldn't wish her psyche on anyone.
If I truly believed that people's core personalities changed, I could be more generous, but in my experience, they don't. You can observe a child throughout their lives, and see that child's personality. That core - the ability to care about others, or the obsession with self - does not change. Not in my experience. They may claim to have changed, but they don't from what I've seen. Deep down, that self-obsession and tendency to blame others remains. And that's a damn hard thing to admit about your own child.
Laura wasn't like that. She cared about other people, a lot. Even if she had trouble showing it, even if she was a smart-assed brat at times - she still cared, and it showed. Jen didn't. It was all about her. All about manipulating other people. That makes it really hard to forgive her. At the same time, it makes me wonder why I don't feel sorrier for her. I don't think she can help what she is.
But it was taking my daughter and my grandsons with her in her effort to hurt me I can't forgive. It was convincing Laura to cut off her sisters. I cannot forgive that. Not yet. Possibly never. And that, too, makes me sad.
So Happy Birthday, Lulu. I hope you are well, I hope you are happy. But I also hope you do not view Jen as a role model. She's nothing like you.
Yeah. So. Not much I can say about that. Hurts like a bitch. Wish it was different. Nothing I could write would scratch the surface. I like to kid myself and imagine she doesn't know how hurt I am. That she doesn't realize what a hole she left in my heart. Maybe she doesn't. I hope so. I wouldn't want her to live with it.
Jen, on the other hand, I hope she knows. I hope she feels shame - she should. At the same time, I hope for my own sake I can forgive her someday. That's not to say I ever want her in my life. I do not. That cut was too deep. It was premeditated. I don't think Laura's was. I put a lot of weight on motive. It's the Kantian in me.
Life is not simple - it's complicated. People more so. I'll never pretend to understand it or them. Sometimes, there simply are no good reasons - just the ones we invent in our heads. The ones we use to justify our actions. Sometimes, it just is what it is. But sometimes it just leaves you feeling dead inside. Or worse - alive and in great pain. Love is hard. Hate's easy. Anger is easy. But love is fucking hard, and sometimes it's fucking painful.
For me, right now, it's fucking hard, and fucking painful. I try to listen to the people, like Ele, who tell me it isn't my fault. But the truth is, in my head, it's always my fault. Everyone I've ever loved and lost, it was always my fault. The "if only" hits - irrational as that is. And yes, I know it's irrational. And I know, intellectually, I did the best I possibly could at the time. But in times of sadness, it's cold comfort. Intellectualism doesn't heal wounds. It just helps us view them scientifically.
I don't regret being a mother. I sometimes regret becoming a mother with John. Jen is an uncontrollable hurricane that has whipped through several people's lives. I want to pity her. I want to forgive her. But I'm not there yet. And forget about trust. Two strikes - I give EVERYONE two strikes. I had a therapist tell me that was damn generous considering my history - and she was right. But it pains me that I can't give my own offspring more than two. But I do know her now. I know what she is. And it makes me sad that I brought her into the world that way. As her parent, it makes me sad. I wouldn't wish her psyche on anyone.
If I truly believed that people's core personalities changed, I could be more generous, but in my experience, they don't. You can observe a child throughout their lives, and see that child's personality. That core - the ability to care about others, or the obsession with self - does not change. Not in my experience. They may claim to have changed, but they don't from what I've seen. Deep down, that self-obsession and tendency to blame others remains. And that's a damn hard thing to admit about your own child.
Laura wasn't like that. She cared about other people, a lot. Even if she had trouble showing it, even if she was a smart-assed brat at times - she still cared, and it showed. Jen didn't. It was all about her. All about manipulating other people. That makes it really hard to forgive her. At the same time, it makes me wonder why I don't feel sorrier for her. I don't think she can help what she is.
But it was taking my daughter and my grandsons with her in her effort to hurt me I can't forgive. It was convincing Laura to cut off her sisters. I cannot forgive that. Not yet. Possibly never. And that, too, makes me sad.
So Happy Birthday, Lulu. I hope you are well, I hope you are happy. But I also hope you do not view Jen as a role model. She's nothing like you.