"And breathe, just breathe..."
That was the weirdest thing in the world. I had this song stuck in my head that we always play at Value Village, so I typed the lyrics into google, and the song it came up with was the same song that Hailee just mentioned the name of (the name I didn't know) in her journal I was reading. Fucked up....
2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
Can you help me unravel my latest mistake,
I don't love him, winter just wasn't my season
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites, you're all here for the very same reason
'Cause you can't jump the track,we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button girl,
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe, just breathe,
Woah breathe, just breathe
There's a light at each end of this tunnel, you shout
'Cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
These mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.
2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, its no longer
Inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to
I've been having the most irrational mood swings. I know I could control them if I willed myself to, but at this point in time I'm losing that thread that keeps me connected with self control and rational thought.
It's summer again.
Summer is a time of drastic decisions. Not to all people, but to me. Something big has always happened to me in the Summer. It affects me as it would anyone else, except that this is the time of year I feel most trapped and most in need of a desperate change. Summer has been the time I had the most close group of friends anyone could ask for. The time I met Kyle. The time I met Nick, and the time I pursued life after Nick. Summer was Zach. Summer was JP. Summer was physical and mental change, stress, trauma, revelation, hope, love, confusion.
I was really hoping to have a normal summer without feeling lost or wanting something more.
When I wake up in the morning, to an empty bed, and I have no where to be, I force myself to sleep later so that I don't have to get up and be restless. Some days I have to work. I, again, force myself to sleep in. I shower. I wander aimlessly around my house. I'm actually excited to go to work because it gives me a purpose to my day. I don't miss school already, I just miss having something to do.
I need to surround myself with more people, the people I care about. I need to rebuild, strengthen, and make new friendships. Though Jeremie and I are fine, I want to see more people aside from him. Other people offer me things he can't. Example; Hailee stayed at my house for the first time in ages a little while ago. I was faced with a half dozen revelations and musings while she sat and read a magazine and I wrote quietly to myself in my Vincent Van Gogh gold embossed journal, with my purple sparkling gel pen until it was nearly out of ink.
I'm tired of waiting for things. I wait for my alarm, I wait for my water for my tea, I wait for the bus, I wait for that one phone call that always makes or breaks my day, I wait for that one message I've been craving for so long that it hurts inside, I'm waiting for the inevitable, waiting for the beginning, waiting for the end, waiting for the second coming of a god I'm waiting to find out exists or not. I'm waiting to grow up, waiting to go to school, waiting to make mistakes, waiting to let go of my apprehension, waiting to appreciated, waiting to be found, waiting to get lost, waiting for the day I finally break a bone, a heart, a mind, an expensive vase. Every day we wait and we waste. We wait and we waste our lives waiting. Waiting is not something I want to keep doing.
I had a damn near panic attack last night. I skated home so fast I thought I burst a lung. I don't even know why, but no matter what I did I could not calm myself down. I was thinking about so many things so fast, and longing, and wanting and wondering and questioning and asking why everything is so different all the time.
The last time I did something to completely free myself, I flung myself independent of the only person I spent my days with for nine months straight, and broke up with Nicholas to pursue and find a life where I didn't know what was around the corner, where there finally wasn't someone ready to catch me if I fell. I wanted to fling myself off a mountain just to see what would happen. And what did happen?
Moments of regret, sorrow and anguish, and then.... utter at home chaos, but a luxurious freedom of not being responsible for anyone but myself. I could go out at any hour, on a whim, with whomever to do whatever. And in doing so, I found JP. And then, like the parasite I am, I leeched on to him.
I hadn't pursued someone like that since Nicholas. And I haven't pursued anyone since. I don't mean pursuit in the ways of "ohmahgahdiwantyousobadhavemybabies!" I was just so curious and needed to know about this strange awkward, tattooed shut-in and why he thought I was this most ridiculously absurd unworthy person.
I can't think of anyone else in this world who I added to MSN by hunting down their email through other people. No one else who's phone number I've ever gotten who I've called incessantly until they've agreed to hang out with me. I bent over backward through a flaming hoola hoop on roller skates to earn that kid's friendship, and it was even harder to maintain it, especially in the fact that I had to prove I wasn't looking to bone him and be thrown away like a half dozen other girls who had come and gone. I don't know what my motivation was, but I felt like I had to make an impression on this person's life, and they had to be part of mine. Mysterious people intrigue me, and I haven't had the motivation to integrate myself into any one else's world in the same way since JP... but it wasn't a lost cause. In my rush of anxiety yesterday, I finally sent him a message online, and I have little hope he'll respond, but I had to. So many people tell me he asks about me. And he's ingrained into my head. It happened again today that I stated some sarcastic remark and Brandon said that sometimes I sound creepily like JP. It's not the first time I've been told that. I guess cynicism is contagious.
I'm on the fence over whether I want to go to Blanche Macdonald and learn makeup and get a job and live in the heart of the city, or pack it all up and run away to some rural town in Australia and start a new life with a new name and a new past and play the alias game until someone figures it out and then I'll pack up and leave again.
I could do it.
I have little to no connection with many people any more, which is why i really have to reinforce some of my fading friendships. But these people who I never call - they never call me either... so is it even worth the time?
But that's so childish.
And I have been so childish lately. So so childish. And at the same time, I'm only grabbing the reigns as the lure of independence rears it's tempting head. Every once in a while, I tell myself that I'm not going to talk to any of the people I talk to regularly for a week, and just run away to see some distant or not-often-around friend's house for a whole seven days and not tell a soul, not answer any phones, not go online. I think I'm going to do it, eventually. Maybe sooner than later.
I'm so scatterbrained it's ridiculous. It could be too much sun, too much.... something, and not enough of a lot of other things.
I think envy has become the disease of the 21st century.
No one ever wants to be outside the loop.
I don't have a loop.
I have a line.
And there's like... maybe 5 points on it.
I need more people to hold my hands, and make a loop. A loop that stretches to the beach, to concerts, to road trips, to movies, to dinner, to other countries. The only catch is, we all have to switch places every once in a while so you're standing with a different section of the loop, and you catch a different view of your surroundings. I think I've been standing in my part of the loop for a little too long and I need a change of scenery pretty desperately.
I hate how one person always manages to make themselves the focus of my life. I don't want/need/have any desire to have a single person as the focus of my life. The happiest times in my life are when I have a group of people to focus on, because it adds variety and keeps me from getting stuck to the bottom of the frying pan from sitting too long on the burner. Flip me over, this side is done! Another catch; I need a group of reliable people who I actually talk to outside a group situation. The sad thing about groups of friends is that usually you're only friends with one or two people outside of the group. And people have to learn to keep their knives out of each other's backs.
My mind is too full of crap to continue.
I need to play Heroes of Might and Magic to regain my mental sanity. Alas, I have to work in the morning, and go to bed now.
To conclude; I'm just flustered and need something to focus some energy on and look forward to. I've really been enjoying my summer, I just need to experience a little more to be satisfied. Lalalala....
Kara.
2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
Can you help me unravel my latest mistake,
I don't love him, winter just wasn't my season
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites, you're all here for the very same reason
'Cause you can't jump the track,we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button girl,
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe, just breathe,
Woah breathe, just breathe
There's a light at each end of this tunnel, you shout
'Cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
These mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.
2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, its no longer
Inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to
I've been having the most irrational mood swings. I know I could control them if I willed myself to, but at this point in time I'm losing that thread that keeps me connected with self control and rational thought.
It's summer again.
Summer is a time of drastic decisions. Not to all people, but to me. Something big has always happened to me in the Summer. It affects me as it would anyone else, except that this is the time of year I feel most trapped and most in need of a desperate change. Summer has been the time I had the most close group of friends anyone could ask for. The time I met Kyle. The time I met Nick, and the time I pursued life after Nick. Summer was Zach. Summer was JP. Summer was physical and mental change, stress, trauma, revelation, hope, love, confusion.
I was really hoping to have a normal summer without feeling lost or wanting something more.
When I wake up in the morning, to an empty bed, and I have no where to be, I force myself to sleep later so that I don't have to get up and be restless. Some days I have to work. I, again, force myself to sleep in. I shower. I wander aimlessly around my house. I'm actually excited to go to work because it gives me a purpose to my day. I don't miss school already, I just miss having something to do.
I need to surround myself with more people, the people I care about. I need to rebuild, strengthen, and make new friendships. Though Jeremie and I are fine, I want to see more people aside from him. Other people offer me things he can't. Example; Hailee stayed at my house for the first time in ages a little while ago. I was faced with a half dozen revelations and musings while she sat and read a magazine and I wrote quietly to myself in my Vincent Van Gogh gold embossed journal, with my purple sparkling gel pen until it was nearly out of ink.
I'm tired of waiting for things. I wait for my alarm, I wait for my water for my tea, I wait for the bus, I wait for that one phone call that always makes or breaks my day, I wait for that one message I've been craving for so long that it hurts inside, I'm waiting for the inevitable, waiting for the beginning, waiting for the end, waiting for the second coming of a god I'm waiting to find out exists or not. I'm waiting to grow up, waiting to go to school, waiting to make mistakes, waiting to let go of my apprehension, waiting to appreciated, waiting to be found, waiting to get lost, waiting for the day I finally break a bone, a heart, a mind, an expensive vase. Every day we wait and we waste. We wait and we waste our lives waiting. Waiting is not something I want to keep doing.
I had a damn near panic attack last night. I skated home so fast I thought I burst a lung. I don't even know why, but no matter what I did I could not calm myself down. I was thinking about so many things so fast, and longing, and wanting and wondering and questioning and asking why everything is so different all the time.
The last time I did something to completely free myself, I flung myself independent of the only person I spent my days with for nine months straight, and broke up with Nicholas to pursue and find a life where I didn't know what was around the corner, where there finally wasn't someone ready to catch me if I fell. I wanted to fling myself off a mountain just to see what would happen. And what did happen?
Moments of regret, sorrow and anguish, and then.... utter at home chaos, but a luxurious freedom of not being responsible for anyone but myself. I could go out at any hour, on a whim, with whomever to do whatever. And in doing so, I found JP. And then, like the parasite I am, I leeched on to him.
I hadn't pursued someone like that since Nicholas. And I haven't pursued anyone since. I don't mean pursuit in the ways of "ohmahgahdiwantyousobadhavemybabies!" I was just so curious and needed to know about this strange awkward, tattooed shut-in and why he thought I was this most ridiculously absurd unworthy person.
I can't think of anyone else in this world who I added to MSN by hunting down their email through other people. No one else who's phone number I've ever gotten who I've called incessantly until they've agreed to hang out with me. I bent over backward through a flaming hoola hoop on roller skates to earn that kid's friendship, and it was even harder to maintain it, especially in the fact that I had to prove I wasn't looking to bone him and be thrown away like a half dozen other girls who had come and gone. I don't know what my motivation was, but I felt like I had to make an impression on this person's life, and they had to be part of mine. Mysterious people intrigue me, and I haven't had the motivation to integrate myself into any one else's world in the same way since JP... but it wasn't a lost cause. In my rush of anxiety yesterday, I finally sent him a message online, and I have little hope he'll respond, but I had to. So many people tell me he asks about me. And he's ingrained into my head. It happened again today that I stated some sarcastic remark and Brandon said that sometimes I sound creepily like JP. It's not the first time I've been told that. I guess cynicism is contagious.
I'm on the fence over whether I want to go to Blanche Macdonald and learn makeup and get a job and live in the heart of the city, or pack it all up and run away to some rural town in Australia and start a new life with a new name and a new past and play the alias game until someone figures it out and then I'll pack up and leave again.
I could do it.
I have little to no connection with many people any more, which is why i really have to reinforce some of my fading friendships. But these people who I never call - they never call me either... so is it even worth the time?
But that's so childish.
And I have been so childish lately. So so childish. And at the same time, I'm only grabbing the reigns as the lure of independence rears it's tempting head. Every once in a while, I tell myself that I'm not going to talk to any of the people I talk to regularly for a week, and just run away to see some distant or not-often-around friend's house for a whole seven days and not tell a soul, not answer any phones, not go online. I think I'm going to do it, eventually. Maybe sooner than later.
I'm so scatterbrained it's ridiculous. It could be too much sun, too much.... something, and not enough of a lot of other things.
I think envy has become the disease of the 21st century.
No one ever wants to be outside the loop.
I don't have a loop.
I have a line.
And there's like... maybe 5 points on it.
I need more people to hold my hands, and make a loop. A loop that stretches to the beach, to concerts, to road trips, to movies, to dinner, to other countries. The only catch is, we all have to switch places every once in a while so you're standing with a different section of the loop, and you catch a different view of your surroundings. I think I've been standing in my part of the loop for a little too long and I need a change of scenery pretty desperately.
I hate how one person always manages to make themselves the focus of my life. I don't want/need/have any desire to have a single person as the focus of my life. The happiest times in my life are when I have a group of people to focus on, because it adds variety and keeps me from getting stuck to the bottom of the frying pan from sitting too long on the burner. Flip me over, this side is done! Another catch; I need a group of reliable people who I actually talk to outside a group situation. The sad thing about groups of friends is that usually you're only friends with one or two people outside of the group. And people have to learn to keep their knives out of each other's backs.
My mind is too full of crap to continue.
I need to play Heroes of Might and Magic to regain my mental sanity. Alas, I have to work in the morning, and go to bed now.
To conclude; I'm just flustered and need something to focus some energy on and look forward to. I've really been enjoying my summer, I just need to experience a little more to be satisfied. Lalalala....
Kara.