CITY O DEATH NEEDS CAPSLOCK
There's Doctor/Leonardo out there, right?
The Mona Lisa has been nicked, so Romana does some sexual tension with Duggan. They have to run away because he sets off the alarms out of stupid.
Kerensky discovers the half-dozen Mona Lisas hidden in a wall. He also finds unconscious Scarlioni, who mutters about the Doctor.
Back in 1505 Scarlioni explains the plot since "the knowledge will be of little use to you since you will shortly die." He is fractured through time, it is very sad. He is getting Leonardo to make more Mona Lisas. Four takes a polaroid of his guard and thumps him. VIOLENCE. Then he writes THIS IS A FAKE on Leonardo's canvaseseses. Also he writes a letter and signs it with love. It totes proves the Doctor/Leonardo.
"It's the Jagaroth who need all the chickens?" Scaroth exposits a bit to Kerensky. Because he's a wee bit nuts.
Romana breaks into the cafe from earlier and meets Duggan for some sex. "You know what I don't understand?" "I expect so." Romana is so rightly confident about her brains and awesomeness.
The machine is being technobabbled to fuck with time. OH NOES.
"If there's one thing I can't I can't stand it's being tortured by someone with cold hands." Four admits to being a Time Lord and stalls about telling on Romana. <3
Mrs Scaroth is like "YAY MONEYS" and Scaroth is like "Whatevar, bich." Silly Scaroth, it was Ian who taught us about fire! People don't seem to mind that this story retcons like everything ever. Oh well, handwave.
Scaroth talks to himself, but not in the normal way. This allows Four to escape, but this means Scaroth knows the Doctor and Romana have a time machine. Romana works out some of the plot as she hasn't been there for earlier exposition. She leaves a note for the Doctor and she and Duggan go off to hit people in Scarlioni's house.
Four learns about the theft of the Mona Lisa and then runs about a bit to prove they really went to Paris to film this. Then he gets the note from Romana and is like "Bugger" when he finds out where they are. They have been captured by Herman the violent butler. Scarlioni wants Romana's brain and will destroy Paris if she doesn't help. Scarlioni ages Kerensky to death out of evilness. CLIFFHANGER for some reason.
Romana goes "btw am alien" but doesn't want her beloved Duggan to die. Maybe beloved is a bit strong, more like someone she lusts after. Scaroth explains the plot to Romana so she knows what's going on. Romana agrees to help.
Four reads some Shakespeare and does that bit that angers poeple so about there being a mixed metaphor in Hamlet. He tries to explain to Mrs Scaroth that she has been shagging a spaghetti-monster. She must indeed be wilfully blind not to have noticed the one giant eye. She isn't that convinced. But she does wonder and goes to look in his diary or something. Is it true you can't fold papyrus like that? Anyway.
The Doctor and Romana are at last reunited and he is annoyed that Romana is building a time machine for Scaroth. As you would be. Four is like "dude, Earth > Paris" in a moment of Having Any Perspective At All.
Scaroth is off to say goodbye to his wife, who now realises she shagged a green tentacle thing. She have a gun, she is wicked pissed off. He is like "Bitch, you are stupid re: me being an alien" and then he takes his face off. She drops her gun and kills her with the bracelet from earlier. What have we learned? That posh people are evil.
Romana angsts about helping the Jagaroth. The Mona Lisa issue has been solved by Four writing "THIS IS A FAKE." Romana goes "btw I made it only work for two minutes." Duggan breaks them out and they see Scaroth going back in time. So they have to run back in tiiiiime.
MOAR HAND PORN. And Romana's knees as she runs. Duggan is not handporned and does not show his knees. Now it is The Art Critics looking at the TARDIS. Since it has no call to be here the art lies in the fact that it is here. Anyway Team TARDIS + Duggan go back in time. Apparently the Jagaroth were all bastards. "That's a spaceship," says Duggan, helpfully. The ship has to blow up to make life start on Earth, apparently. Here comes Scaroth, shouting at his people in the ship that looks different close up. A confrontation happens, and then Duggan punches Scaroth. Then Scaroth vanishes into tiiiiime. Violence saves the day! They all run off in the TARDIS so as not to die.
Scaroth returns in his machine and is killed by Herman who doesn't know who he is.
The Doctor replaces the stolen Mona Lisa with one of the THIS IS A FAKE ones. The Doctor and Romana feel this is fine because people shouldn't be x-raying paintings to find out if they're pretty. They leave Duggan at the top of the Eiffel Tower and from the looks of things have flown to the ground. They wave to their OT3 friend and return to their date. Hurray!
It is Creature From The Pit next, if I continue with this spammery and squee. All of S17 is wincakes, but City of Death is maybe best of all.