The Core
As you know, Bob, I am fond of a genre of films in which Americans fight forces of nature that are trying to kill them. Thus I was pleased to discover The Core for mere pounds in the supermarket. In this one America fights Earth herself. It is about how women are evil and must be pacified with sex.
We begin with Earth attacking humanity by stopping our pacemakers and making pigeons fly at us. Yeah, okay, so geomagnetic fluctuations are less obviously exciting than volcanoes and weather, I am a fan of skience and so quite enjoyed these. Which actually brings a weakness out. To care about this film you need to know enough science to guess most of the plot elements before the protagonists do, especially since obvs you come into it knowing that the Earth is attacking humanity.
Earth is of course female. Curvy, strong, and orbited by a moon. It is hard to ignore the obvious interpretation that this film is about fear of womans. The Earth is moody and so a long hard rod must plunge into her molten core to pacify her. As it moves daringly through her hot tunnels, she quakes and throws big diamonds at the invader which is, by the terms of the film, a necessary interloper. In a further twist, we made Earth go evil by raping her with magnets. In the end Earth must have a violent shaking climax in her core for peace and hope to be restored. So basically it's about how women must enjoy sex lest they turn into mass-murderers.
The crew consists of Noble White Male Astronaut (doomed), Noble But Unproven Female Astronaut, White Male Geophysist, White French Male Scientist (doomed), Black Male Scientist (Doomed), White Male Comedy-Annoying Scientist (doomed). Anyone not involved in the romance subplot that the film itself could barely be bothered with is doomed to die. In a breathtakingly brazen bit of film-making, the sole non-white crewmember chooses to sacrifice himself to save the others and much time is spent showing him dying. Hey, it's okay, he doesn't matter. He just had backstory with another character and invented the means to save the world.
Sam Carter Female Astronaut manages to save a space shuttle near the beginning and suddenly develops fear of her own responsibility and ability to lead. That's cos women don't belong in the pilot's seat and they deep down know that even if they chose a career that requires them to kill and be killed for other people's agendas. She is obviously what saved them all, though, as no doubt the Earth responded to her internal woman-power more than to the huge nuclear bombs that the mans threw at her.
The French guy dies because the Americans hate the French. Everyone hates the French for some reason, but you'd think the Americans would be grateful. They'd still be speaking English if it wasn't for the French. He was the only one with a family as well, so he was very doomed by going on about how much he wanted to see them again.
Our hero is your standard "not-that-maverick scientist with implausible theory to explain what's going on." You've met this guy in any number of films where he was Will Smith's geeky boyfriend. He hates the Earth because... err, actually he has no backstory whatsoever. This is okay, because he doesn't have any charisma either so you won't mind.
It starts out not bad, with terrible pigeon-related disasters killing lots of random people and European capitals being wiped off the map. It goes a bit rubbish once they're inside the Earth's warm embrace. You may want to just stop it at that point an invent an ending in your head.
Will Smith Rating: This film would be much much better with Will Smith in it. This is exactly the sort of film that the gods created Will Smith for.
We begin with Earth attacking humanity by stopping our pacemakers and making pigeons fly at us. Yeah, okay, so geomagnetic fluctuations are less obviously exciting than volcanoes and weather, I am a fan of skience and so quite enjoyed these. Which actually brings a weakness out. To care about this film you need to know enough science to guess most of the plot elements before the protagonists do, especially since obvs you come into it knowing that the Earth is attacking humanity.
Earth is of course female. Curvy, strong, and orbited by a moon. It is hard to ignore the obvious interpretation that this film is about fear of womans. The Earth is moody and so a long hard rod must plunge into her molten core to pacify her. As it moves daringly through her hot tunnels, she quakes and throws big diamonds at the invader which is, by the terms of the film, a necessary interloper. In a further twist, we made Earth go evil by raping her with magnets. In the end Earth must have a violent shaking climax in her core for peace and hope to be restored. So basically it's about how women must enjoy sex lest they turn into mass-murderers.
The crew consists of Noble White Male Astronaut (doomed), Noble But Unproven Female Astronaut, White Male Geophysist, White French Male Scientist (doomed), Black Male Scientist (Doomed), White Male Comedy-Annoying Scientist (doomed). Anyone not involved in the romance subplot that the film itself could barely be bothered with is doomed to die. In a breathtakingly brazen bit of film-making, the sole non-white crewmember chooses to sacrifice himself to save the others and much time is spent showing him dying. Hey, it's okay, he doesn't matter. He just had backstory with another character and invented the means to save the world.
Sam Carter Female Astronaut manages to save a space shuttle near the beginning and suddenly develops fear of her own responsibility and ability to lead. That's cos women don't belong in the pilot's seat and they deep down know that even if they chose a career that requires them to kill and be killed for other people's agendas. She is obviously what saved them all, though, as no doubt the Earth responded to her internal woman-power more than to the huge nuclear bombs that the mans threw at her.
The French guy dies because the Americans hate the French. Everyone hates the French for some reason, but you'd think the Americans would be grateful. They'd still be speaking English if it wasn't for the French. He was the only one with a family as well, so he was very doomed by going on about how much he wanted to see them again.
Our hero is your standard "not-that-maverick scientist with implausible theory to explain what's going on." You've met this guy in any number of films where he was Will Smith's geeky boyfriend. He hates the Earth because... err, actually he has no backstory whatsoever. This is okay, because he doesn't have any charisma either so you won't mind.
It starts out not bad, with terrible pigeon-related disasters killing lots of random people and European capitals being wiped off the map. It goes a bit rubbish once they're inside the Earth's warm embrace. You may want to just stop it at that point an invent an ending in your head.
Will Smith Rating: This film would be much much better with Will Smith in it. This is exactly the sort of film that the gods created Will Smith for.