Anger led me here
Well since this is my first post, it's pretty obvious what i'm about to write... this day totally SUCKED! That is actually the reason i started this page, i always through about doing this but at the end of the day i found every time a reason not to do it. Today i really needed to yell at top of my lungs, but of cooooooourse i coluldn't! because this is not my house, i don't own a thing here ( like my "daddy" so sweetly reminded my about five secs ago) so i have no right. forget about the human right to live...nah... seems like i'm not even worth enough to get that.
Really how much does one life sucks if the only thing they have any kind of control over is what they think...
i used to be pretty good to bear the usual amount of parenting 101, that seems to came down to one rule in my house: " CRITICIZE ANYTHING YOU KID DOES".
But now? Now i can not breath anymore, which is odd...since i'm not even allowed to close the door of my damn room! (...oh no! right! i forgot it's not my room. 'cause i'm nobody and hence own nothing! SOOOO SORRY!).
My doom has started two years ago: when i decided that after high school i would have gone to study engineering. I had my future all planned out in my mind, I was going to be a publisher. I knew where to go, what to do , what buttons i would have had to push if i wanted to get what i wanted. But my parents, like always through they knew better than me! And they actually achieved their goal: they made me chance my mind. All they really had to do was plant the seeds of self-doubt really. I started to doubt myself. 'Cause, you see, i am a greedy person: i need money, love money, i life for money( yeah! i know. greedy doen't even begin to cover it). When they started to tell me that i would have end up unemployed, with no future, no chances... and no money...well... that was my undoing. I picked another future, i created another me one that was not really me! ( i even went as far as saying that i kind of liked math to one of my "collegues", when in reality i loath math with all my heart!).
i chose computer science because really!? who's the sucker that doesn't get a job after he became an engineer! I'll tell you:NOBODY!
Moreover, i have to came clean with you... it's not really that i wanted to be a publisher, what i really wanted was power, a position of power. So i redid my math and figured that since i liked everything that had to do with computer, computer science was go!
What i did not take account of was one tiny lil' detail. You see my father is an engineer too. And that is the reason i was doomed from the start, but too blind to notice...
During the last two year all i have being hearing from my 'rents is how wrong i am going with these studying thing. Because i "only" study 10 h per day every day...way not enough! And i'm not taking my studies seriously, because otherways i would be doing better!
But truth be told ... i could accept their opinion if it wasn't for one little thingie: I HAVE 'EM ALL! I have all the exams of the first year and now i'm starting to get the ones of the second year too! so no, i do not think that i'm wasting my time! because i'm not even an average student, i'm above average! ok, nobody is gonna consider me a genius but still they know i'm good! everybody know, everybody but my parents!
What they really criticize is not what i do, but who i am... and they don't even seem to realize that. But i will not change, neither for them nor for anybody else! not another time, i was lucky the first time around that i didn't destroy my life to listen to their "advices".
Now i listen to nobody but me!
They'll just have to suck it up!
This page really helped me to calm down. maybe i'll use it to post my poesies too.
will see!
Till next time then.
Really how much does one life sucks if the only thing they have any kind of control over is what they think...
i used to be pretty good to bear the usual amount of parenting 101, that seems to came down to one rule in my house: " CRITICIZE ANYTHING YOU KID DOES".
But now? Now i can not breath anymore, which is odd...since i'm not even allowed to close the door of my damn room! (...oh no! right! i forgot it's not my room. 'cause i'm nobody and hence own nothing! SOOOO SORRY!).
My doom has started two years ago: when i decided that after high school i would have gone to study engineering. I had my future all planned out in my mind, I was going to be a publisher. I knew where to go, what to do , what buttons i would have had to push if i wanted to get what i wanted. But my parents, like always through they knew better than me! And they actually achieved their goal: they made me chance my mind. All they really had to do was plant the seeds of self-doubt really. I started to doubt myself. 'Cause, you see, i am a greedy person: i need money, love money, i life for money( yeah! i know. greedy doen't even begin to cover it). When they started to tell me that i would have end up unemployed, with no future, no chances... and no money...well... that was my undoing. I picked another future, i created another me one that was not really me! ( i even went as far as saying that i kind of liked math to one of my "collegues", when in reality i loath math with all my heart!).
i chose computer science because really!? who's the sucker that doesn't get a job after he became an engineer! I'll tell you:NOBODY!
Moreover, i have to came clean with you... it's not really that i wanted to be a publisher, what i really wanted was power, a position of power. So i redid my math and figured that since i liked everything that had to do with computer, computer science was go!
What i did not take account of was one tiny lil' detail. You see my father is an engineer too. And that is the reason i was doomed from the start, but too blind to notice...
During the last two year all i have being hearing from my 'rents is how wrong i am going with these studying thing. Because i "only" study 10 h per day every day...way not enough! And i'm not taking my studies seriously, because otherways i would be doing better!
But truth be told ... i could accept their opinion if it wasn't for one little thingie: I HAVE 'EM ALL! I have all the exams of the first year and now i'm starting to get the ones of the second year too! so no, i do not think that i'm wasting my time! because i'm not even an average student, i'm above average! ok, nobody is gonna consider me a genius but still they know i'm good! everybody know, everybody but my parents!
What they really criticize is not what i do, but who i am... and they don't even seem to realize that. But i will not change, neither for them nor for anybody else! not another time, i was lucky the first time around that i didn't destroy my life to listen to their "advices".
Now i listen to nobody but me!
They'll just have to suck it up!
This page really helped me to calm down. maybe i'll use it to post my poesies too.
will see!
Till next time then.