I am toeing the line of impropriety
I can't play the innocent act anymore.
I'm far too old for the days of childish games and merry-go-rounds. Where Barbie dolls and swingsets were the only ways to play. I'm too old to play with drama where I gossip my life away only to spread lies and mess up what could of been wonderful. Mess up wonderful for other people in my own satisfaction, my own never-ending search for personal happiness.
"No matter how hard we try to ignore it or try to deny it eventually the lies fall away, whether we like it or not. But heres the truth about the truth-- it hurts. So, we lie." -Grey's Anatomy
Is that so wrong though?
Can anyone judge me for wanting to put myself first? For looking out for myself, being selfish... Isn't that what society teaches us? To look out for Number One? Not to claim that I have been completely selfless my entire life, but, by golly, I have had to go above and beyond many a time. I've cleaned up shit, rearranged my schedule to pick up from practices, doctor's appointments, and take people home only to mention a few. I have been expected to be the one that will decide whether my grandmother should have the heart procedure completed and the one to drive my aunt to the doctor's appointment where she will be told if she has cancer or not. I am the one who picks up family from hospitals, drops off prescriptions, and helps my grandmothers to bathrooms.
"Okay, so, sometimes, even the best of us make rash decisions, bad decisions, decisions we pretty much know we're regret the moment, the minute....espeically the morning after. I mean, maybe not regret.... regret, because at least we put ourselves out there. But still, something inside of us decides to do a crazy thing, a thing we know that will probably bite us in the ass, but we do it anyway. What I am saying is, we reap what we sew. What comes around goes around. Like I was saying... payback is a bitch." -Grey's Anatomy
Something for personal pleasure, never to be regretted.
For once in my life, I made a decision, stuck to it, followed it through, consequences and all. I could never be prouder of myself. Actually, it didn't even really matter how the night ended, because I did something for me. Oftentimes, I would get scared, and make up fantasies, dances really of how things should of played out. But, now I realize, I can put away my fantasy dancing shoes and dust off the real ones. They really haven't been used in a while. The real shoes gave me the confidence and understanding only gained after being nervous, nervous enough to just keep talking, to drive fast and try not to think. The confidence to go out on a limb, put myself out there, and be vunerable, but mostly the confidence that I could be impulsive and it wouldn't blow up in my face. I will own up to what I did if necessary, if not, that's fine. Sometimes, the mysterious is the most attractive.
"You've got to accept the fact that life isn't a fairy tale, things aren't always happily ever after. Things like magic wishes, Prince Charmings and true love don't happen in real life. Magic wishes come from money, Prince Charming's a shallow idiot with a bad haircut and overpriced clothes. And true love? Ha, true love is one-sided, Ace. You love her, she loves someone else. She loves you, you love someone else. Never quite works out does it? So you end up with some actor pretending to be your true love. Real considerate of someone to let you know reality was like that before being thrown into it. 'If you wish, it'll happen.' Well, wish in one hand and crap in the other and see which one fills up faster. Welcome to reality. Enjoy your stay."
That is all. ::sigh::
I'm far too old for the days of childish games and merry-go-rounds. Where Barbie dolls and swingsets were the only ways to play. I'm too old to play with drama where I gossip my life away only to spread lies and mess up what could of been wonderful. Mess up wonderful for other people in my own satisfaction, my own never-ending search for personal happiness.
"No matter how hard we try to ignore it or try to deny it eventually the lies fall away, whether we like it or not. But heres the truth about the truth-- it hurts. So, we lie." -Grey's Anatomy
Is that so wrong though?
Can anyone judge me for wanting to put myself first? For looking out for myself, being selfish... Isn't that what society teaches us? To look out for Number One? Not to claim that I have been completely selfless my entire life, but, by golly, I have had to go above and beyond many a time. I've cleaned up shit, rearranged my schedule to pick up from practices, doctor's appointments, and take people home only to mention a few. I have been expected to be the one that will decide whether my grandmother should have the heart procedure completed and the one to drive my aunt to the doctor's appointment where she will be told if she has cancer or not. I am the one who picks up family from hospitals, drops off prescriptions, and helps my grandmothers to bathrooms.
"Okay, so, sometimes, even the best of us make rash decisions, bad decisions, decisions we pretty much know we're regret the moment, the minute....espeically the morning after. I mean, maybe not regret.... regret, because at least we put ourselves out there. But still, something inside of us decides to do a crazy thing, a thing we know that will probably bite us in the ass, but we do it anyway. What I am saying is, we reap what we sew. What comes around goes around. Like I was saying... payback is a bitch." -Grey's Anatomy
Something for personal pleasure, never to be regretted.
For once in my life, I made a decision, stuck to it, followed it through, consequences and all. I could never be prouder of myself. Actually, it didn't even really matter how the night ended, because I did something for me. Oftentimes, I would get scared, and make up fantasies, dances really of how things should of played out. But, now I realize, I can put away my fantasy dancing shoes and dust off the real ones. They really haven't been used in a while. The real shoes gave me the confidence and understanding only gained after being nervous, nervous enough to just keep talking, to drive fast and try not to think. The confidence to go out on a limb, put myself out there, and be vunerable, but mostly the confidence that I could be impulsive and it wouldn't blow up in my face. I will own up to what I did if necessary, if not, that's fine. Sometimes, the mysterious is the most attractive.
"You've got to accept the fact that life isn't a fairy tale, things aren't always happily ever after. Things like magic wishes, Prince Charmings and true love don't happen in real life. Magic wishes come from money, Prince Charming's a shallow idiot with a bad haircut and overpriced clothes. And true love? Ha, true love is one-sided, Ace. You love her, she loves someone else. She loves you, you love someone else. Never quite works out does it? So you end up with some actor pretending to be your true love. Real considerate of someone to let you know reality was like that before being thrown into it. 'If you wish, it'll happen.' Well, wish in one hand and crap in the other and see which one fills up faster. Welcome to reality. Enjoy your stay."
That is all. ::sigh::