[Non-Fandom] Implosion in Motion
Implosion in Motion
a semi-personal mix about depression
When I say 'semi-personal', what I mean is that I've put a lot of my own experiences into the making of this mix. Most, if not all, of the songs have a strong emotional impact on me because of the memories they trigger when I hear them. I admit that I cried at points during the creation of this mix, because pouring out all of this was like cutting into barely-healed wounds.
I don't know how many of the people who are reading or will read this are afflicted with depression, or any other mental illness, but this is for you. One of the worst things about a mental illness is how alone you feel. It's like no one around you understands; they tell you just 'shake it off' or 'cheer up' because honestly, life's not that bad. I was lucky beyond most people's wildest dreams although my family history of severe depression and bipolar disorder is the reason for my own affliction, it also means that I had people around me who understood what I was going through.
Not everyone's that lucky. I feel this mix is important, because if even one person on here feels touched by it, if even one person can relate and feels even the tiniest bit of comfort, then that's enough. This mix may be my story, but it's also the story of countless others who struggle with depression every day.
So this is for them.
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(o1)
wonderful everclear
I go to school and I run and play
I tell the kids that it's all okay
I laugh aloud so my friends won't know
When the bell rings I just don't wanna go home
Go to my room and I close my eyes
I make believe that I have a new life
I don't believe you when you say
Everything will be wonderful someday
Promises mean everything when you're little
And the world is so big
I just don't understand how you can smile with all those tears in your eyes
When you tell me everything is wonderful now
This is the first of the two completely personal songs on this mix, but I really believe that this applies to a lot of people even those who aren't afflicted with clinical depression. It's a song about a family quietly (and sometimes not so quietly) falling to pieces. The child keeps up a happy face, and doesn't want to hear about how her/his parents are growing further and further apart as time goes on and even though she/he knows that things are going to change, the child is going to resist it as long as possible. Even if only in dreams.
(o2)
unwell matchbox twenty
But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be... me
Possibly the most fitting song regarding mental illness I've ever heard. One of my clearest memories during the blur that was the worst low I've ever experienced in my life a low that almost caused me, on multiple occasions, to take my own life is when this song came on the radio and I just pulled into a parking lot and broke down into tears. Mental illnesses take away who you are. They reach into the deepest parts of you and change you.
The first thing my mother said to me when, after being put on medication, I had a stable period that lasted a week was, "I've missed you so much."
(o3)
when i'm up (i can't get down) great big sea
When I'm up, I can't get down
Can't get down, can't get level
When I'm up, I can't get down
Get my feet back on the ground
While it may seem far too upbeat, and just plain not depressed enough for this mix, When I'm Up is the ultimate 'high' song. Whether a person is in a manic state or simply so elated that their mental state is normal, even if only for a moment, this is the feeling: ten feet tall and bulletproof. You can't seem to level yourself back to normal.
(o4)
wasted years cold
Was it life I betrayed for the shape that I'm in?
It's not hard to fail; it's not easy to win
Did I drink too much? Could I disappear?
And there's nothing that's left but wasted years
There's nothing left but wasted years
The epitome of what depression does to you: it steals away your life. When I look back at the years I spent consistently depressed, I can't think of them as anything but wasted years. My entire high school experience is nothing but a faint blur in my memories. Those four years, plus the two years before high school and the year after, amount to a total of seven years that no longer exist for me. I was so lost in depression that I simply sleepwalked through life, numb. I will never get those years back.
(o5)
white rabbit jefferson airplane
One pill makes you larger
And one pill makes you small
And the ones that mother gives you
Don't do anything at all
Go ask Alice
When she's ten feet tall
While this song is about illegal drugs, it also applies to prescription medication. It's a common misconception that once a doctor prescribes you anti-depressants... boom, you're fixed. The truth is, it almost always takes a lot of experimenting with different medications before the right dosage and pill(s) are found. And during that experimentation time, you're going through hell. Some pills make you feel larger, and some pills make you feel small. Some don't do anything at all. And some make you worse than you were. It's like juggling with bombs.
(o6)
mad world michael andrews
All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow
Everything can seem so pointless and washed-out once depression hits. The things you used to love hold no pleasure; the sights you used to see are nothing anymore. You're running as fast as you can, but you're not going anywhere, and you know full well that tomorrow is just going to be a repeat of today.
And sometimes you're not sure if you can face that.
(o7)
breathe (2am) anna nalick
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe
Just breathe
Oh, breathe
Just breathe
So sometimes, when you don't know if you can face the day, just breathing is all you can do. Breathe in, breathe out, and try to make it through just one more day. One more hour. One more minute. Just breathe.
(o8)
fix you coldplay
When try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
...
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
The point of view of everyone who is worried about you. This song always reminds me of my mother, because she's fought so hard to get me help even though at every turn, doors were slammed in our faces because of my awkward age at seventeen, and then eighteen, I was an adult but still a teenager, so no one seemed to know what to do with me. My mother acted as my therapist for years, and she still does - when no one was willing to help, when no one would even talk to me, when the only thing they would say was, "Put her in the hospital's psych ward," my mother never gave up on me. Ever. Even as broken as I was, she always did her best to fix me.
(o9)
all i can do chantal kreviazuk
You haven't laughed in awhile
When you can't even fake a smile
...
All I can do is love you to pieces
Give you a shoulder to cry when you need it
When the day is long and the night is coming down on you
All I can do
All I can do
All I can do
It's all that I can do
I'll admit it: this is a completely personal song. This is my mother, put to music and lyrics. Every time I hear it, I want to cry, and sometimes I do, because it's everything she did for me and more. For anyone who's never had it, there's no way to put into words what it means to have someone who never thinks you're crazy, who would never shove you into the psych ward at the hospital, who does her damnedest to protect you from yourself. Someone who will never give up on you, who takes as much of your pain as she can into herself so maybe you can go to sleep without crying.
When I was at my worst, when I was one tear away from slamming my car into a tree at 160 km/hr, she slept beside me so I wouldn't be alone. She let me cry and rage for hours because I couldn't keep it in any longer, she went an hour out of her way to drive me to university and then pick me back up because I didn't want to be alone.
There is no way to repay that kind of love except by continuing to live.
(1o)
breaking the habit linkin park
Memories consume
Like opening the wound
I'm picking me apart again
You all assume
I'm safe here in my room
Unless I try to start again
...
Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I had no options left again
I was eleven years old when I first began to cut myself. At first it was using the shaving razors from the shower on my right thigh it was extremely painful, but I kept it up until grade nine. Granted, until then, I didn't cut myself very often the fact is, I was doing it. Grade nine meant graduating from elementary school to high school, and graduating from shaving razors to exacto knives. I began to make little cuts on my left arm. They were small enough not to attract undue attention, but deep enough to scar. I never went near my wrist. This continued until grade eleven, when I managed to stop for awhile I made two friends, and I took a drama class that boosted my self-esteem incredibly. I made friends with my 60+ history teacher and my 33-year-old media teacher. I was pulling high eighties and nineties in almost every class.
I thought I was better. But the nasty thing about a mental illness is that it's a chemical imbalance in your brain and your brain isn't going to magically fix itself. Toward the end of grade eleven, I began cutting again, except this time the cuts were longer, and deeper, and I kept picking away at the scabs so that it was harder for my body to heal.
I was falling again. And cutting was the only coping mechanism that kept me from losing all control even though I was collapsing on the inside, like a great old tree filled with termites, at least I looked sturdy on the outside.
It wasn't healthy. It was an addiction; an escape, and to this day I still struggle with the urge to cut myself. Like someone who used to smoke, you never stop craving the thing that gave you temporary peace.
(11)
not your year the weepies
Scattered shadows on a wall, you watch the long light fall
Some impressions stay and some will fade
Tattered shoes outside your door, clothes all on the floor
Your life feels like the morning after all year long
Every day it starts again
You cannot say if you're happy
You keep trying to be
Try harder, maybe this is not your year
Movies, TV screens reflect just what you expected
There's a world of shiny people somewhere else
Out there following their bliss
Living easy, getting kissed
While you wonder what else you're doing wrong
Breathe through it, write a list of desires
Make a toast, make a wish, slash some tires
Paint a heart repeating, beating:
"Don't give up, don't give up, don't give up."
This song makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time. It's gorgeous and utterly heart-breaking: you cannot say if you're happy / you keep trying to be / try harder, maybe this is not your year. In my years of being numb to protect myself from myself, I could never tell when I was happy. Half the time, I couldn't even tell if I was sad. Nothing made me feel anything it was a chore to smile or laugh, and on the whole it was difficult for me to become angry. When I felt emotions, I didn't know what to do with them. It was like they were on the other side of a glass barrier I could see them, but I couldn't reach them. Not really.
For seven years, it just wasn't my year.
(12)
better days goo goo dolls
And you ask me what I want this year
And I'll try to make this kind and clear
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
'Cause I don't need boxes wrapped in strings
Or designer love and empty things
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
Really quite self-explanatory. All I ever wanted on my worst days were better days.
(13)
stand rascal flatts
Every time you get up
And get back in the race
One more small piece of you
Starts to fall into place
'Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, 'till you break
'Cause it's all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad, you get strong
Wipe your hands, shake it off
Then you stand
The one thing I can honestly say that depression has given me is a true understanding of just how strong I am. If you want to get through some of the darkest moments you're ever likely to have, you need to be able to reach inside yourself for strength beyond what anyone, including yourself, would ever expect of you. You have to be stronger than you've ever been in your life. Other people can only carry you so far if you want to get better, you have to stand on your own two feet and walk forward.
(14)
believe in you amanda marshall
Some of us can't move ahead
We're paralyzed with fear
And everybody's listening
'Cause we all need to hear
I believe in you
I can't even count the ways that
I believe in you
And all I want to do is help you to
Believe in you
I will hold you up
I will help you stand
I will comfort you when you need a friend
I will be the voice that's calling out:
I believe in you
This illness doesn't have to be fatal. You can survive. It's hard to believe that there's more out there, better things, when for so long you've seen nothing but darkness. I won't lie; to get through this period in your life, you're going to be in for a tough fight. There are times where you're going to cry, you're going to want to hide under the covers and never get out of bed but you can't do that.
Sometimes, you're also going to be angry. And, quite frankly, anger is your best weapon. Hold onto that. Rage against the illness accept it, but never, ever let it beat you down until you think can't get up. You can always get up again.
As Marian Wright Edelman said, "Whoever said anybody has a right to give up?"
you are not alone
kids' help phone
http://www.kidshelpphone.ca/
1-800-668-6868
lamplight
empowering and helping teens make healthy life choices
http://www.lamplight.org/
1-905-765-0775
mood disorders society of canada
http://www.mooddisorderscanada.ca/
1-519-824-5565
download
.ZIP File
| 64.91 MB |
[the zip includes: all tracks, cover art, all lyrics in .txt format, and the .doc format of this post]
.ZIP File
| 64.89 MB |
[the zip includes: all tracks and cover art]
Individual Songs
| o1 | o2 | o3 | o4 | o5 | o6 | o7 |
| o8 | o9 | 1o | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 |
a semi-personal mix about depression
When I say 'semi-personal', what I mean is that I've put a lot of my own experiences into the making of this mix. Most, if not all, of the songs have a strong emotional impact on me because of the memories they trigger when I hear them. I admit that I cried at points during the creation of this mix, because pouring out all of this was like cutting into barely-healed wounds.
I don't know how many of the people who are reading or will read this are afflicted with depression, or any other mental illness, but this is for you. One of the worst things about a mental illness is how alone you feel. It's like no one around you understands; they tell you just 'shake it off' or 'cheer up' because honestly, life's not that bad. I was lucky beyond most people's wildest dreams although my family history of severe depression and bipolar disorder is the reason for my own affliction, it also means that I had people around me who understood what I was going through.
Not everyone's that lucky. I feel this mix is important, because if even one person on here feels touched by it, if even one person can relate and feels even the tiniest bit of comfort, then that's enough. This mix may be my story, but it's also the story of countless others who struggle with depression every day.
So this is for them.
(o1)
wonderful everclear
I go to school and I run and play
I tell the kids that it's all okay
I laugh aloud so my friends won't know
When the bell rings I just don't wanna go home
Go to my room and I close my eyes
I make believe that I have a new life
I don't believe you when you say
Everything will be wonderful someday
Promises mean everything when you're little
And the world is so big
I just don't understand how you can smile with all those tears in your eyes
When you tell me everything is wonderful now
This is the first of the two completely personal songs on this mix, but I really believe that this applies to a lot of people even those who aren't afflicted with clinical depression. It's a song about a family quietly (and sometimes not so quietly) falling to pieces. The child keeps up a happy face, and doesn't want to hear about how her/his parents are growing further and further apart as time goes on and even though she/he knows that things are going to change, the child is going to resist it as long as possible. Even if only in dreams.
(o2)
unwell matchbox twenty
But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be... me
Possibly the most fitting song regarding mental illness I've ever heard. One of my clearest memories during the blur that was the worst low I've ever experienced in my life a low that almost caused me, on multiple occasions, to take my own life is when this song came on the radio and I just pulled into a parking lot and broke down into tears. Mental illnesses take away who you are. They reach into the deepest parts of you and change you.
The first thing my mother said to me when, after being put on medication, I had a stable period that lasted a week was, "I've missed you so much."
(o3)
when i'm up (i can't get down) great big sea
When I'm up, I can't get down
Can't get down, can't get level
When I'm up, I can't get down
Get my feet back on the ground
While it may seem far too upbeat, and just plain not depressed enough for this mix, When I'm Up is the ultimate 'high' song. Whether a person is in a manic state or simply so elated that their mental state is normal, even if only for a moment, this is the feeling: ten feet tall and bulletproof. You can't seem to level yourself back to normal.
(o4)
wasted years cold
Was it life I betrayed for the shape that I'm in?
It's not hard to fail; it's not easy to win
Did I drink too much? Could I disappear?
And there's nothing that's left but wasted years
There's nothing left but wasted years
The epitome of what depression does to you: it steals away your life. When I look back at the years I spent consistently depressed, I can't think of them as anything but wasted years. My entire high school experience is nothing but a faint blur in my memories. Those four years, plus the two years before high school and the year after, amount to a total of seven years that no longer exist for me. I was so lost in depression that I simply sleepwalked through life, numb. I will never get those years back.
(o5)
white rabbit jefferson airplane
One pill makes you larger
And one pill makes you small
And the ones that mother gives you
Don't do anything at all
Go ask Alice
When she's ten feet tall
While this song is about illegal drugs, it also applies to prescription medication. It's a common misconception that once a doctor prescribes you anti-depressants... boom, you're fixed. The truth is, it almost always takes a lot of experimenting with different medications before the right dosage and pill(s) are found. And during that experimentation time, you're going through hell. Some pills make you feel larger, and some pills make you feel small. Some don't do anything at all. And some make you worse than you were. It's like juggling with bombs.
(o6)
mad world michael andrews
All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow
Everything can seem so pointless and washed-out once depression hits. The things you used to love hold no pleasure; the sights you used to see are nothing anymore. You're running as fast as you can, but you're not going anywhere, and you know full well that tomorrow is just going to be a repeat of today.
And sometimes you're not sure if you can face that.
(o7)
breathe (2am) anna nalick
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe
Just breathe
Oh, breathe
Just breathe
So sometimes, when you don't know if you can face the day, just breathing is all you can do. Breathe in, breathe out, and try to make it through just one more day. One more hour. One more minute. Just breathe.
(o8)
fix you coldplay
When try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
...
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
The point of view of everyone who is worried about you. This song always reminds me of my mother, because she's fought so hard to get me help even though at every turn, doors were slammed in our faces because of my awkward age at seventeen, and then eighteen, I was an adult but still a teenager, so no one seemed to know what to do with me. My mother acted as my therapist for years, and she still does - when no one was willing to help, when no one would even talk to me, when the only thing they would say was, "Put her in the hospital's psych ward," my mother never gave up on me. Ever. Even as broken as I was, she always did her best to fix me.
(o9)
all i can do chantal kreviazuk
You haven't laughed in awhile
When you can't even fake a smile
...
All I can do is love you to pieces
Give you a shoulder to cry when you need it
When the day is long and the night is coming down on you
All I can do
All I can do
All I can do
It's all that I can do
I'll admit it: this is a completely personal song. This is my mother, put to music and lyrics. Every time I hear it, I want to cry, and sometimes I do, because it's everything she did for me and more. For anyone who's never had it, there's no way to put into words what it means to have someone who never thinks you're crazy, who would never shove you into the psych ward at the hospital, who does her damnedest to protect you from yourself. Someone who will never give up on you, who takes as much of your pain as she can into herself so maybe you can go to sleep without crying.
When I was at my worst, when I was one tear away from slamming my car into a tree at 160 km/hr, she slept beside me so I wouldn't be alone. She let me cry and rage for hours because I couldn't keep it in any longer, she went an hour out of her way to drive me to university and then pick me back up because I didn't want to be alone.
There is no way to repay that kind of love except by continuing to live.
(1o)
breaking the habit linkin park
Memories consume
Like opening the wound
I'm picking me apart again
You all assume
I'm safe here in my room
Unless I try to start again
...
Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I had no options left again
I was eleven years old when I first began to cut myself. At first it was using the shaving razors from the shower on my right thigh it was extremely painful, but I kept it up until grade nine. Granted, until then, I didn't cut myself very often the fact is, I was doing it. Grade nine meant graduating from elementary school to high school, and graduating from shaving razors to exacto knives. I began to make little cuts on my left arm. They were small enough not to attract undue attention, but deep enough to scar. I never went near my wrist. This continued until grade eleven, when I managed to stop for awhile I made two friends, and I took a drama class that boosted my self-esteem incredibly. I made friends with my 60+ history teacher and my 33-year-old media teacher. I was pulling high eighties and nineties in almost every class.
I thought I was better. But the nasty thing about a mental illness is that it's a chemical imbalance in your brain and your brain isn't going to magically fix itself. Toward the end of grade eleven, I began cutting again, except this time the cuts were longer, and deeper, and I kept picking away at the scabs so that it was harder for my body to heal.
I was falling again. And cutting was the only coping mechanism that kept me from losing all control even though I was collapsing on the inside, like a great old tree filled with termites, at least I looked sturdy on the outside.
It wasn't healthy. It was an addiction; an escape, and to this day I still struggle with the urge to cut myself. Like someone who used to smoke, you never stop craving the thing that gave you temporary peace.
(11)
not your year the weepies
Scattered shadows on a wall, you watch the long light fall
Some impressions stay and some will fade
Tattered shoes outside your door, clothes all on the floor
Your life feels like the morning after all year long
Every day it starts again
You cannot say if you're happy
You keep trying to be
Try harder, maybe this is not your year
Movies, TV screens reflect just what you expected
There's a world of shiny people somewhere else
Out there following their bliss
Living easy, getting kissed
While you wonder what else you're doing wrong
Breathe through it, write a list of desires
Make a toast, make a wish, slash some tires
Paint a heart repeating, beating:
"Don't give up, don't give up, don't give up."
This song makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time. It's gorgeous and utterly heart-breaking: you cannot say if you're happy / you keep trying to be / try harder, maybe this is not your year. In my years of being numb to protect myself from myself, I could never tell when I was happy. Half the time, I couldn't even tell if I was sad. Nothing made me feel anything it was a chore to smile or laugh, and on the whole it was difficult for me to become angry. When I felt emotions, I didn't know what to do with them. It was like they were on the other side of a glass barrier I could see them, but I couldn't reach them. Not really.
For seven years, it just wasn't my year.
(12)
better days goo goo dolls
And you ask me what I want this year
And I'll try to make this kind and clear
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
'Cause I don't need boxes wrapped in strings
Or designer love and empty things
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
Really quite self-explanatory. All I ever wanted on my worst days were better days.
(13)
stand rascal flatts
Every time you get up
And get back in the race
One more small piece of you
Starts to fall into place
'Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, 'till you break
'Cause it's all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad, you get strong
Wipe your hands, shake it off
Then you stand
The one thing I can honestly say that depression has given me is a true understanding of just how strong I am. If you want to get through some of the darkest moments you're ever likely to have, you need to be able to reach inside yourself for strength beyond what anyone, including yourself, would ever expect of you. You have to be stronger than you've ever been in your life. Other people can only carry you so far if you want to get better, you have to stand on your own two feet and walk forward.
(14)
believe in you amanda marshall
Some of us can't move ahead
We're paralyzed with fear
And everybody's listening
'Cause we all need to hear
I believe in you
I can't even count the ways that
I believe in you
And all I want to do is help you to
Believe in you
I will hold you up
I will help you stand
I will comfort you when you need a friend
I will be the voice that's calling out:
I believe in you
This illness doesn't have to be fatal. You can survive. It's hard to believe that there's more out there, better things, when for so long you've seen nothing but darkness. I won't lie; to get through this period in your life, you're going to be in for a tough fight. There are times where you're going to cry, you're going to want to hide under the covers and never get out of bed but you can't do that.
Sometimes, you're also going to be angry. And, quite frankly, anger is your best weapon. Hold onto that. Rage against the illness accept it, but never, ever let it beat you down until you think can't get up. You can always get up again.
As Marian Wright Edelman said, "Whoever said anybody has a right to give up?"
you are not alone
kids' help phone
http://www.kidshelpphone.ca/
1-800-668-6868
lamplight
empowering and helping teens make healthy life choices
http://www.lamplight.org/
1-905-765-0775
mood disorders society of canada
http://www.mooddisorderscanada.ca/
1-519-824-5565
download
.ZIP File
| 64.91 MB |
[the zip includes: all tracks, cover art, all lyrics in .txt format, and the .doc format of this post]
.ZIP File
| 64.89 MB |
[the zip includes: all tracks and cover art]
Individual Songs
| o1 | o2 | o3 | o4 | o5 | o6 | o7 |
| o8 | o9 | 1o | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 |