My turn on the Soap Box of Death.
I've been doing a lot of thinking over the last few days. I've done a lot of soul searching and have asked myself a lot of questions. I've talked to my friends, who have been absolutely great to me, and after finding out they think I am not being irrational, overreacting and have affirmed that I am perfectly justified in my feelings and emotions, I have come to some conclusions.
I am sick of people always thinking that I am stupid. I am neither stupid nor am I not aware of what is really going on. People really need to pull their heads out of their asses and realize that I do not have my head buried in the sand. I do talk to people, I do have friends ya know, but apparently some people fail to realize this. I'm guessing the general consensus in some minds is that I am totally cut off from the world because I stay at home with my son practically all the time. Not so, says I. My friends do come to me to express their concern about things they see and/or hear, and have no problem letting me know what their real opinion is about things most of the time. I'm not flying blind, I know more than people think I do. Again, I am not stupid, and I find it damn insulting that people think I am. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure some things out.
I am also tired of people seeing me at this person that is so damn passive that I will jump anytime anyone makes demands of me. I'll admit, I was. But I came to a realization about myself not too long ago that I've been letting people walk all over me, take advantage of me and use me for several years now. I've bent over backwards for people so many times and put my wants and needs behind everyone else's that I never thought once about myself, about what I wanted. I tried to live up to what was expected of me without having expectations of my own. This isn't me and never was. I used to be this girl that wouldn't take shit from anyone. I have no idea what happened. I am not the same person I was three years ago. Hell, from what I've been told, I'm not even the same person I was a year ago. I've had so many people tell me now that last year I changed into someone completely different, that they felt like they didn't even know me anymore and didn't know how to talk to me anymore. Nice, huh? A complete 180 on my personality from myself. You have no idea how it fucked with me hearing this. Why in the hell did I change? I can understand changing a little bit due to the newness of motherhood, but this is just outright ridiculous. I'm glad I finally got my head out of my ass (or, rather, someone else's ass, as Jenn likes to put it) before it got any worse.
No more. Some people need to realize that their opinions aren't the only ones that matter. If you want your wishes and thoughts respected then you damn well better be willing to do the same for me. It's bullshit to expect me to bend over backwards for you but you not to return the same favor. News flash: friendships, relationships and parenting does NOT work that way. It's a team effort, not a "I'm the only one that matters" effort.
People also need to realize that they are not always going to get what the want in life. I'm not always going to get what I want in life, I realized that a hell of a long time ago. My life would be a hell of a lot different right now if I got everything I wanted. This is especially the case when you have one or more other people to think about as well, ESPECIALLY when you have the care and well-being of a child to think about. That is the point when things stop being about you and start being about this little person.
And one more thing. Lying. What's the point? Especially in a close circle of friends who talk to each other on a fairly regular basis. If you are going to lie to multiple people, you really should get your story straight first what the lie is going to entail and keep to that story. Or, even better, DON'T FUCKING LIE. Because the people that you tell these various stories to are going to eventually talk to each other and compare stories. And when you are already known to be a liar, people aren't going to fully believe you until they talk to someone else. Then when your actions say something completely different from what you said, well then, you may as well just give up because you've been caught. As someone once said to me a few months ago, "Nothing ever stays hidden or a secret from this group for very long." Wise words. Too bad the person who said it seems to think it doesn't apply to them as well.
Oy. Things have just been a mess, as you can probably tell. Things are becoming more complicated than they need to be. I'm tired of it. I really am. If everyone would just pull their heads out of their asses and grow the fuck up already, life would be simpler for us all.
And, just for the record, I swear to God, if I get another phone call from someone chewing me out for decisions I have made in my capacity as a parent when it is none of their fucking business, said person is going to get an earful.
That's all I have to say for now. I'll go ahead and put the soap box away. For the time being, at least.
I am sick of people always thinking that I am stupid. I am neither stupid nor am I not aware of what is really going on. People really need to pull their heads out of their asses and realize that I do not have my head buried in the sand. I do talk to people, I do have friends ya know, but apparently some people fail to realize this. I'm guessing the general consensus in some minds is that I am totally cut off from the world because I stay at home with my son practically all the time. Not so, says I. My friends do come to me to express their concern about things they see and/or hear, and have no problem letting me know what their real opinion is about things most of the time. I'm not flying blind, I know more than people think I do. Again, I am not stupid, and I find it damn insulting that people think I am. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure some things out.
I am also tired of people seeing me at this person that is so damn passive that I will jump anytime anyone makes demands of me. I'll admit, I was. But I came to a realization about myself not too long ago that I've been letting people walk all over me, take advantage of me and use me for several years now. I've bent over backwards for people so many times and put my wants and needs behind everyone else's that I never thought once about myself, about what I wanted. I tried to live up to what was expected of me without having expectations of my own. This isn't me and never was. I used to be this girl that wouldn't take shit from anyone. I have no idea what happened. I am not the same person I was three years ago. Hell, from what I've been told, I'm not even the same person I was a year ago. I've had so many people tell me now that last year I changed into someone completely different, that they felt like they didn't even know me anymore and didn't know how to talk to me anymore. Nice, huh? A complete 180 on my personality from myself. You have no idea how it fucked with me hearing this. Why in the hell did I change? I can understand changing a little bit due to the newness of motherhood, but this is just outright ridiculous. I'm glad I finally got my head out of my ass (or, rather, someone else's ass, as Jenn likes to put it) before it got any worse.
No more. Some people need to realize that their opinions aren't the only ones that matter. If you want your wishes and thoughts respected then you damn well better be willing to do the same for me. It's bullshit to expect me to bend over backwards for you but you not to return the same favor. News flash: friendships, relationships and parenting does NOT work that way. It's a team effort, not a "I'm the only one that matters" effort.
People also need to realize that they are not always going to get what the want in life. I'm not always going to get what I want in life, I realized that a hell of a long time ago. My life would be a hell of a lot different right now if I got everything I wanted. This is especially the case when you have one or more other people to think about as well, ESPECIALLY when you have the care and well-being of a child to think about. That is the point when things stop being about you and start being about this little person.
And one more thing. Lying. What's the point? Especially in a close circle of friends who talk to each other on a fairly regular basis. If you are going to lie to multiple people, you really should get your story straight first what the lie is going to entail and keep to that story. Or, even better, DON'T FUCKING LIE. Because the people that you tell these various stories to are going to eventually talk to each other and compare stories. And when you are already known to be a liar, people aren't going to fully believe you until they talk to someone else. Then when your actions say something completely different from what you said, well then, you may as well just give up because you've been caught. As someone once said to me a few months ago, "Nothing ever stays hidden or a secret from this group for very long." Wise words. Too bad the person who said it seems to think it doesn't apply to them as well.
Oy. Things have just been a mess, as you can probably tell. Things are becoming more complicated than they need to be. I'm tired of it. I really am. If everyone would just pull their heads out of their asses and grow the fuck up already, life would be simpler for us all.
And, just for the record, I swear to God, if I get another phone call from someone chewing me out for decisions I have made in my capacity as a parent when it is none of their fucking business, said person is going to get an earful.
That's all I have to say for now. I'll go ahead and put the soap box away. For the time being, at least.