No more lies....
Vegetarian, I think not...
So first of all there is no point is saying I am a vegetarian any more, honestly I have not been for a long time I was just lying to my self or making excuses like "I just eat fish" or "I am on a low meat diet". Honestly I really do not like my self s what is the point in lying to my self any more about eating meat. There is no point in denying something for my self if part of me does not care enough to put in a effort to believe in it any more.
Money troubles, more like disaster...
I am in dept, I owe $20,000 in student loan, I owe my best friend and my sister $1000, my used to be friend Mel $200, a very old Rogers cell phone bill $500, B.C. Medical about $500, and my parents more then I can even imagine, I am talking buying them a new car and maybe even a down payment on a house from all the crap they put up with me. It probably is peddle that I just avoided Mel and never payed back the money I owe her, and $200 is really nothing when you think about it, so little to loose s decent friendship over. The student loan I just can't deal with right now, and the Rogers bill I just hope went away. As for the B.C. Medical they assume I was in the next tax bracket so they charged me, but I have never had a decent job in my life so they screwed me, and now I waited to long and it went to collections so no way to fight it even if I wanted to. My sister does not even realize or does not care I owe her money or she believes she owes me so she just keeps quiet about it. As for my best friend he puts up with me, and that is that, I don't know why but he just does.
I just do not feel like me...
I still feel like an Alien, around others, like I am not human or just do not understand people and do not feel like I am one of them. The other feeling I feel a lot is that of a Gollem, I am solid substance on the outside but on inside no real soul to speak of just clay, a fake person pretending to be like everyone else and just faking the emotions so no one finds out. The other feeling is that I am a puppet or an actor, I play my part of the good little citizen, go to work, more or less pay bills and live my life, never cause waves and sit down and shut up like a good little "toby". I have facial expressions but like an actor or puppet underneath the mask I am dead or blank and I am so good at faking everything I do now I am not sure if I truly feel anything for anyone even my self.
Worry of being alone...
My insecurity is so outstanding that I still feel completely alone, I am always lonely and even worse when I am surrounded by people I feel even more alone. I have a very small group of friends and when I do not hear from one of them for a week I instantly get that depression feel and the thoughts of "did I do something wrong", "do they hate me", "what did I screw up". If you are a guy well I have almost no guy friends, if you are a girl other then a select few I have probably slept with you and that screwed up our friendship if we are still even friends. I am completely insecure about my friends I am constantly questioning why my friends are even friends with me. All the other acquaintances I just know say hello and maybe chat or flirt with but I never hang out with them. I like my alone time and I need a place to my self at times but I just really feel lonely.
So first of all there is no point is saying I am a vegetarian any more, honestly I have not been for a long time I was just lying to my self or making excuses like "I just eat fish" or "I am on a low meat diet". Honestly I really do not like my self s what is the point in lying to my self any more about eating meat. There is no point in denying something for my self if part of me does not care enough to put in a effort to believe in it any more.
Money troubles, more like disaster...
I am in dept, I owe $20,000 in student loan, I owe my best friend and my sister $1000, my used to be friend Mel $200, a very old Rogers cell phone bill $500, B.C. Medical about $500, and my parents more then I can even imagine, I am talking buying them a new car and maybe even a down payment on a house from all the crap they put up with me. It probably is peddle that I just avoided Mel and never payed back the money I owe her, and $200 is really nothing when you think about it, so little to loose s decent friendship over. The student loan I just can't deal with right now, and the Rogers bill I just hope went away. As for the B.C. Medical they assume I was in the next tax bracket so they charged me, but I have never had a decent job in my life so they screwed me, and now I waited to long and it went to collections so no way to fight it even if I wanted to. My sister does not even realize or does not care I owe her money or she believes she owes me so she just keeps quiet about it. As for my best friend he puts up with me, and that is that, I don't know why but he just does.
I just do not feel like me...
I still feel like an Alien, around others, like I am not human or just do not understand people and do not feel like I am one of them. The other feeling I feel a lot is that of a Gollem, I am solid substance on the outside but on inside no real soul to speak of just clay, a fake person pretending to be like everyone else and just faking the emotions so no one finds out. The other feeling is that I am a puppet or an actor, I play my part of the good little citizen, go to work, more or less pay bills and live my life, never cause waves and sit down and shut up like a good little "toby". I have facial expressions but like an actor or puppet underneath the mask I am dead or blank and I am so good at faking everything I do now I am not sure if I truly feel anything for anyone even my self.
Worry of being alone...
My insecurity is so outstanding that I still feel completely alone, I am always lonely and even worse when I am surrounded by people I feel even more alone. I have a very small group of friends and when I do not hear from one of them for a week I instantly get that depression feel and the thoughts of "did I do something wrong", "do they hate me", "what did I screw up". If you are a guy well I have almost no guy friends, if you are a girl other then a select few I have probably slept with you and that screwed up our friendship if we are still even friends. I am completely insecure about my friends I am constantly questioning why my friends are even friends with me. All the other acquaintances I just know say hello and maybe chat or flirt with but I never hang out with them. I like my alone time and I need a place to my self at times but I just really feel lonely.