Don't Drink the Water
Ok, so my wedding is in two days and I'm majorly psyched and all antsy and my mom wants me to go see the doctor so he can prescribe me anxiety medicine, because I'm so warped and drained and tired. But it's all worth it, because Matthew is the best thing that's ever happened to me, and one of the three people I could never live without. So, since now new people are reading this, I guess I should address what happened Saturday. Ok, so I made a comment that to me was a compliment, about a clean house. I was honored by what some people had done for me, and I thanked everyone so much and gave kisses and hugs to everyone. Then I was wondering where my mom was, because I had specifically asked a favor from my mother in law, and i was let down, and because I have S.A.D I broke down and started crying. Then when I accidentally made someone else cry, I felt worse and just couldn't stop. So when I went to go apologize, all I heard was everyone badmouthing me and making me feel horrible, before I could even apologize. So I really couldn't handle staying in a house where just minutes before I was told my brother-in-law's girlfriend was talking about me, and that my mother in law doesn't want me married to her son, and now I made someone cry, my mom wasn't there on a special day, and six people that I barely knew were talking about me while i was in the next room. So at first I was just going for a walk, and then I got a call from my sister and she said she'd come pick me up, so I apologized profusly to the one who had taken the time to do something so sweet for me, and I walked up to the store to be picked up. But now, I am a shitty friend, because I'm rude and make horrible comments and leave parties that are thrown for me. I never ment to hurt any one's feelings to begin with, and so far, it seems that no one gives a fuck about my feelings anyway. I guess a good friend would not have commented that house looked clean, and would have stayed at her party, even though she was being talked bad about. I am so sorry I didn't do just that, for the simple fact that it's caused more trouble than it's worth for people I care a whole lot about, no matter what they think. So now I don't even know who's in my wedding, and I wouldn't even go myself if my mom and dad wern't so excited about it. I don't know what I'm supposed to do or say, because I tried to call and apologize the next night, and no one will even hear a word I say. Instead I'm trashed on the phone, trashed behind my back, and trashed on the internet. I was also told that someone went into the hospital, but I found out later that it was a doctor and it was for high blood pressure. Now I'm being told that I'm a bad wife, and my husband deserves someone better than me. I'm sure he does. Since day 1 I've said that I don't deserve him, and I know that I'm not good enough for him. Both of his parents make sure that I know that constantly. For a while, I thought I was over the cutting, the bleeding to know I was alive, the cold horrible dead feeling that sat in my stomach like a stillborne child, one like that when I was seventeen. I thought I'd never want to die on purpose again, that it was selfish to want to, and that life was too good for all that. But now I really just feel like the whole world would be better off if I were gone. I can't do a damn thing right, and I'll never be able to. I can't love myself, and I seem to be bad for every one that I love. I'm really desperate right now, and I tried praying, and not even God feels like talking to me anymore. What good is life if you're bad for the people you love, or they hate you, and you hate yourself more, and God doesn't even love you enough to stop you from going off the edge? It would probably be better to everyone if I weren't here.