This morning some ongoing "relationship issues" came up, and I was feeling unhappy, unsure of myself, and in need of communication and closeness. In response to all this, Greg fixed my dryer
( Read more... )
Communication issues need to be addressed from both sides.
I agree.
But in my case, If I would like my partner to do something, I have learned that I have to be direct. I have to say "Please do this." I can't say "I would like this done." or "This needs to be done." Or he doesn't pick up on the 'I want you to do this' implicit in the statement. I have confidence that if he doesn't want to do something I ask him directly to do, he will say "No." We have both learned to alter our speech so that the other person knows without a doubt what we want.
In the case you mention where you were running ragged trying to do everything she hinted at even though she said she didn't ask, It was up to you to ask her to be more specific by asking "Do you want me to do the dishes?" This is how my partner and I learned to communicate more effectivly. If I said "The dishes need to be done." he responded "Do you want me to do the dishes?" I would say yes or no based on what I actually meant. If it was yes, he would tell me to be more direct and ask him to do them, to not just make a random comment because he wasn't sure how to take it. Now I say, "G, you're doing the dishes tonight," or "Would you do the dishes tonight please." He gets it first time and I'm happy, he's happy and no miscommunication. It works for things besides doing the dishes too. :)
I have a major frustration when it comes to clutter. hate clutter. If there is a a mess of magazines or newspaper and stuff on the coffee table in the living room, it has to be neatly stacked. just randomly strewn about drives me nuts. If I ask G to help pick up clutter he doesn't get it. I have to be very specific with what I ask him to do. I have to specificly ask him to put the newspapers in the recycling bag or put the magazines in a single pile. I also have to ask him to do one thing at a time,if I say do this this and this, inevitably something gets forgotten. IMO and experience, men tend to be more focuses on individual elements rather than the whole picture. Does that make sense? (Note: I'm generalizing, I know there are exceptions.)
BTW, there are men who communicate in the "female" style and women who communicate in the "male" style.
I agree, but I'm being general here, there are always exceptions to the rules.
I agree with this more than your previous comment. It's not that women need to change the way they communicate, it's that both members of the partnership need to tune in to their other half.
Relationships are work. If only one party is responsible for that work, there's a problem. Note I'm not saying everything has to be equal, just that both parties must put in an effort.
I have a major frustration when it comes to clutter. hate clutter. If there is a a mess of magazines or newspaper and stuff on the coffee table in the living room, it has to be neatly stacked. just randomly strewn about drives me nuts. If I ask G to help pick up clutter he doesn't get it. I have to be very specific with what I ask him to do. I have to specificly ask him to put the newspapers in the recycling bag or put the magazines in a single pile. I also have to ask him to do one thing at a time,if I say do this this and this, inevitably something gets forgotten. IMO and experience, men tend to be more focuses on individual elements rather than the whole picture. Does that make sense? (Note: I'm generalizing, I know there are exceptions.)
I tend to be that way too. I have Asperger Syndrome, and tend to present a lot of "male" way of thinking.
For me, I would also need the specifics of what to do, and only one at a time. Or a *written* list. In fact, that's how I do my housework.
I agree.
But in my case, If I would like my partner to do something, I have learned that I have to be direct. I have to say "Please do this." I can't say "I would like this done." or "This needs to be done." Or he doesn't pick up on the 'I want you to do this' implicit in the statement. I have confidence that if he doesn't want to do something I ask him directly to do, he will say "No."
We have both learned to alter our speech so that the other person knows without a doubt what we want.
In the case you mention where you were running ragged trying to do everything she hinted at even though she said she didn't ask, It was up to you to ask her to be more specific by asking "Do you want me to do the dishes?"
This is how my partner and I learned to communicate more effectivly. If I said "The dishes need to be done." he responded "Do you want me to do the dishes?" I would say yes or no based on what I actually meant. If it was yes, he would tell me to be more direct and ask him to do them, to not just make a random comment because he wasn't sure how to take it. Now I say, "G, you're doing the dishes tonight," or "Would you do the dishes tonight please." He gets it first time and I'm happy, he's happy and no miscommunication. It works for things besides doing the dishes too. :)
I have a major frustration when it comes to clutter. hate clutter. If there is a a mess of magazines or newspaper and stuff on the coffee table in the living room, it has to be neatly stacked. just randomly strewn about drives me nuts. If I ask G to help pick up clutter he doesn't get it. I have to be very specific with what I ask him to do. I have to specificly ask him to put the newspapers in the recycling bag or put the magazines in a single pile. I also have to ask him to do one thing at a time,if I say do this this and this, inevitably something gets forgotten. IMO and experience, men tend to be more focuses on individual elements rather than the whole picture. Does that make sense? (Note: I'm generalizing, I know there are exceptions.)
BTW, there are men who communicate in the "female" style and women who communicate in the "male" style.
I agree, but I'm being general here, there are always exceptions to the rules.
sorry nosebeepbear for hi-jacking your LJ.
Reply
Relationships are work. If only one party is responsible for that work, there's a problem. Note I'm not saying everything has to be equal, just that both parties must put in an effort.
Reply
Reply
I tend to be that way too. I have Asperger Syndrome, and tend to present a lot of "male" way of thinking.
For me, I would also need the specifics of what to do, and only one at a time. Or a *written* list. In fact, that's how I do my housework.
Reply
Leave a comment