reflections
the summer of my college sophmore year - every element of it - i couldn't have asked for more. nothing will ever top that. being abroad in europe, nostalgia hits like a giant brick to the face. i wonder when i return if things will ever be the same. true to jo-march syndrome, i feel a bit like i'm sitting on the stairs telling everyone not to leave, not to grow up. my state of living has been less than stellar and i feel a bit like a cd skipping, repeatedly saying i feel completely alone, but it's bare truth - undressed, no frills, no embellishments. i hope its repetitiveness doesn't mar its severity. it can be so painful down to the marrow, but i have reached a measure of acceptance and i won't back down anymore. this is my life, and i won't stand for anything less than a party every night. i hit the pavement - HARD. but i got up, and i scraped the gravel out of pricks of missing skin and when i started walking again, the view was new. i was riding on the train home from oxford after picking up my feelings and i truly thought i had taken the wrong train. the sights through that massive pane of glass - i watched everything with infant eyes. the train paused to breathe, catch it's breath and started again. but sitting there, grounded to the steel tracks, i just watched the world. looking at the tangled mess of leaves and vines, i wondered, when will these leaves turn from green to brown, when will they turn brittle and fall to the ground? Who will step and hear the crunch crunch crunch of autumn for the first time, forever linking the sensory to a season, and how many other people will simultaneously share this singular experience? just hours before, things had felt so different. my eyes were washing themselves out for so many days, as saline fell and a bottom lip quivered. they've been thoroughly purged. my are fresh again and i want to fill them with new things. i am trying to better involve myself in new experiences and actively seeking enjoyment. still, i've grown painfully aware that my situation will warrant the same difficulties they have thus far. i'll continue to be affected, overcome, and start the cycle over again. all the same, iv'e taken on a newfound knowledge that sometimes it is easier (and necessary) to lie. i am happy i will tell myself in the lower moments. it's the deepest lesson i've learned.
on a side note, i'm compiling a list of movies i would like to watch, and i would like to keep my list right here for reference and safe keeping, so ignore if you like. i'm starting with one, and will be adding more as i please.
Good Bye Lenin!