the shape of grief is a circle
Loss is the word of the day, kids. My grandmother died last Saturday morning.
I still haven't really processed her death, and it's been really hard on my dad and my half-aunt. Fortunately I'm in the same province now, so I could be there to offer them support. I did get to see Grandma before she died: my mom and I drove from Kamloops up to Prince George, and we stopped in to say goodbye before heading off to catch some sleep. She passed away a few hours later.
Everyone except my youngest brother Scott made it up to say goodbye to her. (Scott's doing his advanced training in Deadmonton, but he's got compassionate leave from the military to attend her memorial service). My uncles, dad and aunt were all pretty muted with grief, but Grandma was 95 so it wasn't unexpected. I was really glad that she didn't suffer, or have to cope with a lingering, debilitating illness. She was still living in her own home until June, and it was only last week that she stopped eating and went on morphine. I watched my mom's mom die very slowly over the course of 20 years, and she eventually became a shut-in due to mobility issues. My Grandma's death seems like a much better way to go, comparatively.
I've ended things here in Vancouver with the Boy, and I'm going to move in with my mom in Kamloops. Hopefully this is temporary, as my Atlanta employers have paid an extra $1000 to process my visa request and expedite the whole process. If everything goes well I should be able to make the move south in a few months, and then I shall be on top of the world! (Or, well, as "on top" as one can get, given the circumstances). It was tough quitting the nanny job, as I really did love Small Person and his family, but it was a 2hr roundtrip commute every morning, and the pay wasn't great. Also I had to, y'know, stay in New Westminster with someone I probably should never have tried to live with.
Between the relationship ending, my grandma's death and this retreat to my mom's house, it feels like a lot of things are ending. Frankly, it's a lot of loss to process all at once, and the breakup was (is) really difficult. There were threats of suicide and a lot of ugly emotional encounters, and I couldn't even really break up with the Boy so much as ask for "a break." The whole episode only confirmed that I need to be in a much safer, healthier environment, but I feel awful about leaving him. That's the funny thing about love - you can still care so much, even if the relationship was a mistake.
Anyway, cheerier posts next time. And instead of getting another boyfriend I'm going to adopt a dog or something instead. Or try girls. Maybe both. Once I'm gainfully employed and master of my own destiny once again, of course.
FML.
I still haven't really processed her death, and it's been really hard on my dad and my half-aunt. Fortunately I'm in the same province now, so I could be there to offer them support. I did get to see Grandma before she died: my mom and I drove from Kamloops up to Prince George, and we stopped in to say goodbye before heading off to catch some sleep. She passed away a few hours later.
Everyone except my youngest brother Scott made it up to say goodbye to her. (Scott's doing his advanced training in Deadmonton, but he's got compassionate leave from the military to attend her memorial service). My uncles, dad and aunt were all pretty muted with grief, but Grandma was 95 so it wasn't unexpected. I was really glad that she didn't suffer, or have to cope with a lingering, debilitating illness. She was still living in her own home until June, and it was only last week that she stopped eating and went on morphine. I watched my mom's mom die very slowly over the course of 20 years, and she eventually became a shut-in due to mobility issues. My Grandma's death seems like a much better way to go, comparatively.
I've ended things here in Vancouver with the Boy, and I'm going to move in with my mom in Kamloops. Hopefully this is temporary, as my Atlanta employers have paid an extra $1000 to process my visa request and expedite the whole process. If everything goes well I should be able to make the move south in a few months, and then I shall be on top of the world! (Or, well, as "on top" as one can get, given the circumstances). It was tough quitting the nanny job, as I really did love Small Person and his family, but it was a 2hr roundtrip commute every morning, and the pay wasn't great. Also I had to, y'know, stay in New Westminster with someone I probably should never have tried to live with.
Between the relationship ending, my grandma's death and this retreat to my mom's house, it feels like a lot of things are ending. Frankly, it's a lot of loss to process all at once, and the breakup was (is) really difficult. There were threats of suicide and a lot of ugly emotional encounters, and I couldn't even really break up with the Boy so much as ask for "a break." The whole episode only confirmed that I need to be in a much safer, healthier environment, but I feel awful about leaving him. That's the funny thing about love - you can still care so much, even if the relationship was a mistake.
Anyway, cheerier posts next time. And instead of getting another boyfriend I'm going to adopt a dog or something instead. Or try girls. Maybe both. Once I'm gainfully employed and master of my own destiny once again, of course.
FML.