I cease to exsist.
My mind body and soul are just rotting away.
Its like everytime I get my hopes up.. It just gets shattered into a thousand peices.
I mean seriously.
I got out from a screwed up office to a better office where Im not slave to the regulars around me, but rather an actual assistant.
And then the medical officer called me up and says he wants to mark me fit for Basic Military Training recourse again.
And now my sister just messages me on my MSN or calls the phone and goes, "Rizal Mak Mana" meaning, Riz wheres mom?. I mean for once, I'd just love to hear, "hey bro, how are you doing... hows the army for you. Feeling any better?" Needless to say, I had to block her as it was getting rather annoying, just pass my comp over to my mother and just let her sit there looking into the computer screen not knowing how to use a mic making baby noises at my neice. Call me mean for doing this, but wheres my share of concern and love?
Hope happiness and love... just seem to me as something more dangerous than helpful.
I mean look at this way, you're happy... hopeful of a nice future... love someone deeply..
One day... you're overcomed with sadness, you realize your future is just filled with dissapointments, disaprovals and nothingness... the one you love.. gets taken away.
You're going to feel so bad inside...
So very bad.. like you wish you were dead.
As if death would come swiftly and mercifully?
Hell no, no one is going to just come up to you and give you a bullet to the back of the head.
You're going to have to do it yourself.
But why cant you...
Because you're still holding on to a little shard of hope...
the one that never hit the cold floor of abyssal sorrow like the other broken dreams laying apon your feet, it still feels warm... doesnt it...
Then out of your broken dreams comes the demons that bite, claw and pound on your former shell of shinging glory.
It's just a vicious cycle. untill you learn to let go.
But I cant.
Sometimes I wonder why I even bother nowadays to try and be cheerful and look forward to greener pastures, I shouldnt even bother. I should just remain moody and depressive just so I wont get my hopes up so high just to let drop down to the realms of reality into a million shattered peices where any efforts of peicing them back together is futile.
Life is a cruel road, I know... but sometimes... I just wish hope there is a shining light of a little bit of happiness and joy.
And there is... Oh yes there is.
Just dont bask in it for too long.
The transaction from gloomy land to happy land and back again kills your brains, and makes it bleed that no amount of mental scabs can stop.
Well folks, on 2 Aug 05 we'll know if I'm going back to hell on an island.
If my shrink wants me to go...
I wish myself good luck, its been nice knowing you.
I'd probably come out a different person.
Imagine... having to bathe with 48 guys... share a room with 12 of them, eat with 192 of them for 5.5days a week... With no identity of your own since all your hairs will look alike.
No self respect or respect from the gaurds looking after your platoon... treating you like herded animals walking 3 by 3 in synchronize walking, and the only colours you'll see on yourself are Grey, Black and Camo, singing songs of patriotism and lust for battles to try and hide your true feelings inside.
Oh no... thats not me... I let my feelings show when I have to.
And if you're reading this and saying it's not so bad, I went through with it I'm sure you can too.
Well let me tell you something, We're not alike, theres things I can go through and you cant.
That doesnt make us any better than each other, we're all human beings, we're just here to try and make a pathetic exsistence out of our short lives before we die.
Some of us have lost the true meaning of life by burrying ourself in so many goals, get condo, get car, get wife, get promotions, get money.
Some of us, just can't try to enjoy our lives because we're under the tyrany of the kind of people I just mentioned above. get FOR ME condo, get FOR ME car, get FOR ME wife, get for ME MY promotions, Work your fucking ass off 5 days a week on minimal wage and get me RICH.
I want to enjoy my life, I want to enjoy doing what I like to do. To wake up not insanly early in the morning and let life unfold itself. I've love to just quit smoking. But with all this shit going on... I smoke in a pathetic attempt of suicide. Like I said to some collegues who asked me who I could smoke such a horrible brand of cigarettes.
I told them, "If I wanted to enjoy smoking, I wont smoke tobacco, I'd smoke weed, I smoke tobacco to kill myself, youd think I really care about how they taste?" they just shrugged it of as if Im being cynical.
And now Im getting addicted to cigarettes. once again.
Anyway, enough writing for me. I'm tired from conjuring mental images of pain and suffering for my future... I need sleep.
Good luck on your results on the 2nd of August Riz,
Thanks.
PS to all friends:
Understand this is my time of isolation
I am avoiding you not because I dont want to see you
But because I dont want you to see me in this state
This is my metamorphosis... Im going through this alone
As always.
Forgive me.
Its like everytime I get my hopes up.. It just gets shattered into a thousand peices.
I mean seriously.
I got out from a screwed up office to a better office where Im not slave to the regulars around me, but rather an actual assistant.
And then the medical officer called me up and says he wants to mark me fit for Basic Military Training recourse again.
And now my sister just messages me on my MSN or calls the phone and goes, "Rizal Mak Mana" meaning, Riz wheres mom?. I mean for once, I'd just love to hear, "hey bro, how are you doing... hows the army for you. Feeling any better?" Needless to say, I had to block her as it was getting rather annoying, just pass my comp over to my mother and just let her sit there looking into the computer screen not knowing how to use a mic making baby noises at my neice. Call me mean for doing this, but wheres my share of concern and love?
Hope happiness and love... just seem to me as something more dangerous than helpful.
I mean look at this way, you're happy... hopeful of a nice future... love someone deeply..
One day... you're overcomed with sadness, you realize your future is just filled with dissapointments, disaprovals and nothingness... the one you love.. gets taken away.
You're going to feel so bad inside...
So very bad.. like you wish you were dead.
As if death would come swiftly and mercifully?
Hell no, no one is going to just come up to you and give you a bullet to the back of the head.
You're going to have to do it yourself.
But why cant you...
Because you're still holding on to a little shard of hope...
the one that never hit the cold floor of abyssal sorrow like the other broken dreams laying apon your feet, it still feels warm... doesnt it...
Then out of your broken dreams comes the demons that bite, claw and pound on your former shell of shinging glory.
It's just a vicious cycle. untill you learn to let go.
But I cant.
Sometimes I wonder why I even bother nowadays to try and be cheerful and look forward to greener pastures, I shouldnt even bother. I should just remain moody and depressive just so I wont get my hopes up so high just to let drop down to the realms of reality into a million shattered peices where any efforts of peicing them back together is futile.
Life is a cruel road, I know... but sometimes... I just wish hope there is a shining light of a little bit of happiness and joy.
And there is... Oh yes there is.
Just dont bask in it for too long.
The transaction from gloomy land to happy land and back again kills your brains, and makes it bleed that no amount of mental scabs can stop.
Well folks, on 2 Aug 05 we'll know if I'm going back to hell on an island.
If my shrink wants me to go...
I wish myself good luck, its been nice knowing you.
I'd probably come out a different person.
Imagine... having to bathe with 48 guys... share a room with 12 of them, eat with 192 of them for 5.5days a week... With no identity of your own since all your hairs will look alike.
No self respect or respect from the gaurds looking after your platoon... treating you like herded animals walking 3 by 3 in synchronize walking, and the only colours you'll see on yourself are Grey, Black and Camo, singing songs of patriotism and lust for battles to try and hide your true feelings inside.
Oh no... thats not me... I let my feelings show when I have to.
And if you're reading this and saying it's not so bad, I went through with it I'm sure you can too.
Well let me tell you something, We're not alike, theres things I can go through and you cant.
That doesnt make us any better than each other, we're all human beings, we're just here to try and make a pathetic exsistence out of our short lives before we die.
Some of us have lost the true meaning of life by burrying ourself in so many goals, get condo, get car, get wife, get promotions, get money.
Some of us, just can't try to enjoy our lives because we're under the tyrany of the kind of people I just mentioned above. get FOR ME condo, get FOR ME car, get FOR ME wife, get for ME MY promotions, Work your fucking ass off 5 days a week on minimal wage and get me RICH.
I want to enjoy my life, I want to enjoy doing what I like to do. To wake up not insanly early in the morning and let life unfold itself. I've love to just quit smoking. But with all this shit going on... I smoke in a pathetic attempt of suicide. Like I said to some collegues who asked me who I could smoke such a horrible brand of cigarettes.
I told them, "If I wanted to enjoy smoking, I wont smoke tobacco, I'd smoke weed, I smoke tobacco to kill myself, youd think I really care about how they taste?" they just shrugged it of as if Im being cynical.
And now Im getting addicted to cigarettes. once again.
Anyway, enough writing for me. I'm tired from conjuring mental images of pain and suffering for my future... I need sleep.
Good luck on your results on the 2nd of August Riz,
Thanks.
PS to all friends:
Understand this is my time of isolation
I am avoiding you not because I dont want to see you
But because I dont want you to see me in this state
This is my metamorphosis... Im going through this alone
As always.
Forgive me.