Blessed February
Ancient Chinese curse (paraphrased): May you live in interesting times. But these interesting times have been much more like a Blessing.
It's been an amazing week or two here in my head and heart.
Seeing an old flame -- my first spouse, to be exact. After a marriage of less than five years back in the 60s, we parted friends -- and then could hardly speak to one another for more than a year without shouting. I probably saw him twice, at most, between our son's third birthday and his high school graduation, and then twice more in the next 20 years. But last week I spent a couple of lovely evenings with him, reminiscing about the campus where we met and our brief time together, and mostly about his long, wonderful marriage to the woman he met in the early 70s, who died five years ago next week.
I feel like I've rediscovered the friendship we had in 1964. I feel like we've come full circle back around to what was best about 'us' -- the good talk and lively wit. I feel like we've done some 'completion' work I'd had no idea we needed.
Next came Pantheacon, the largest indoor Pagan gathering on the West coast (if not the whole US). Four times a day I could choose from a dozen or more workshops or rituals, and in between kept meeting and remeeting folks from WitchCamp and Cherry Hill Seminary and Womongathering. Family reunion in brilliant colors, with (again) plenty of good talk and lively wit. Not to mention a host of insights I'll take with me awhile yet.
Such as: Polytheism can give a psychotherapy practitioner more insight into a greater variety of choices for the patient, leading away from the (often false) dualism encouraged by monotheistic traditions (is something holy or secular? good or bad? male or female?).
Or: Rituals are best designed from the inside out, beginning with a finely honed intention. When in the course of the Ritual the magic takes over and moves in an unanticipated direction, the wise practitioner will let it, and help it, and follow where the magic leads. Such rituals often produce profound positive change in the people who enact them -- even those who think they're "only playing a part."
And: People who believe their God wants them to lie about history in order to stamp out the competition may stop at nothing; be warned.
Also: Full embodiment demands mindfulness, and also heartfulness and rootedness. Compassion grows from loving our Selves.
I could go on. Four days of this, plus a few new threads, and it was time to head off to school.
Usually I stay at my son's house when I'm out west for a weekend at the University of Santa Monica, but this time he'd caught the flu, so I didn't. On the second morning of class one of my teammates offered me a spare bedroom and I surprised myself by accepting at once, without dithering -- even though I'd been pretty comfortable in the motel I'd chosen. The school weekend has been such a gift, not least of it the chance to know this classmate better.
Learnings from my time in class:
Compassion grows from loving and forgiving myself (sound familiar?).
Suffering comes from expectation, expectation comes from desire, desire comes from judgment (I want something different from what I have -- desire). Judgment is released through forgiveness.
When I am in the present moment there is no suffering, pretty much regardless of what's going on. Am I cold? Okay, I'm cold; I can warm myself by moving my body, eating or drinking something hot, adding clothing or blankets, turning on the central heating. Or, I can be cold. As long as I don't judge it there does seem to be no suffering. As long as I'm not thinking, "oh, I'm cold, what if it stays cold like this for an hour? two? what will I do if it gets colder?" there is no suffering.
Here's the heart of what I'm taking home with me this weekend, at least as well as I can express it just now.
I don't have to make other people's choices the reason for my choices. I don't have to have other people's permission to take the next step that stands before me. I'm under no obligation to consult other people before I can act for myself.
These sound obvious, and it's maybe a little embarrassing to be just now 'getting' it. In my professional life these ideas have repeatedly seemed obvious (though a few times, I admit, I've sent e-mails that say essentially, 'are you sure I don't need your permission?'). In my personal life, especially in recent years, somehow my expression has been constricted by a need to at least convince or persuade the other person that what I'm about to do is okay. Or at least to negotiate with the other person before taking action. And what's clear just now is that this does not contribute to the happiness of all concerned. Or maybe of any concerned.
Tomorrow my son is picking me up and we'll get to spend a couple of days together. On Sunday I start the two-day trip back to Guatemala, the boat, and Dear Husband. Just now I'm eager to see how much more fun we will both have when I stop negotiating and seeking consensus over every little thing. Just now, too, I'm eager to see how quickly I can stop talking when I notice my words are unconvincing, rather than try harder to be persuasive. Just now I'm eager to see if gentle acceptance and affection can replace negotiation as my standard approach.
Stay tuned.
It's been an amazing week or two here in my head and heart.
Seeing an old flame -- my first spouse, to be exact. After a marriage of less than five years back in the 60s, we parted friends -- and then could hardly speak to one another for more than a year without shouting. I probably saw him twice, at most, between our son's third birthday and his high school graduation, and then twice more in the next 20 years. But last week I spent a couple of lovely evenings with him, reminiscing about the campus where we met and our brief time together, and mostly about his long, wonderful marriage to the woman he met in the early 70s, who died five years ago next week.
I feel like I've rediscovered the friendship we had in 1964. I feel like we've come full circle back around to what was best about 'us' -- the good talk and lively wit. I feel like we've done some 'completion' work I'd had no idea we needed.
Next came Pantheacon, the largest indoor Pagan gathering on the West coast (if not the whole US). Four times a day I could choose from a dozen or more workshops or rituals, and in between kept meeting and remeeting folks from WitchCamp and Cherry Hill Seminary and Womongathering. Family reunion in brilliant colors, with (again) plenty of good talk and lively wit. Not to mention a host of insights I'll take with me awhile yet.
Such as: Polytheism can give a psychotherapy practitioner more insight into a greater variety of choices for the patient, leading away from the (often false) dualism encouraged by monotheistic traditions (is something holy or secular? good or bad? male or female?).
Or: Rituals are best designed from the inside out, beginning with a finely honed intention. When in the course of the Ritual the magic takes over and moves in an unanticipated direction, the wise practitioner will let it, and help it, and follow where the magic leads. Such rituals often produce profound positive change in the people who enact them -- even those who think they're "only playing a part."
And: People who believe their God wants them to lie about history in order to stamp out the competition may stop at nothing; be warned.
Also: Full embodiment demands mindfulness, and also heartfulness and rootedness. Compassion grows from loving our Selves.
I could go on. Four days of this, plus a few new threads, and it was time to head off to school.
Usually I stay at my son's house when I'm out west for a weekend at the University of Santa Monica, but this time he'd caught the flu, so I didn't. On the second morning of class one of my teammates offered me a spare bedroom and I surprised myself by accepting at once, without dithering -- even though I'd been pretty comfortable in the motel I'd chosen. The school weekend has been such a gift, not least of it the chance to know this classmate better.
Learnings from my time in class:
Compassion grows from loving and forgiving myself (sound familiar?).
Suffering comes from expectation, expectation comes from desire, desire comes from judgment (I want something different from what I have -- desire). Judgment is released through forgiveness.
When I am in the present moment there is no suffering, pretty much regardless of what's going on. Am I cold? Okay, I'm cold; I can warm myself by moving my body, eating or drinking something hot, adding clothing or blankets, turning on the central heating. Or, I can be cold. As long as I don't judge it there does seem to be no suffering. As long as I'm not thinking, "oh, I'm cold, what if it stays cold like this for an hour? two? what will I do if it gets colder?" there is no suffering.
Here's the heart of what I'm taking home with me this weekend, at least as well as I can express it just now.
I don't have to make other people's choices the reason for my choices. I don't have to have other people's permission to take the next step that stands before me. I'm under no obligation to consult other people before I can act for myself.
These sound obvious, and it's maybe a little embarrassing to be just now 'getting' it. In my professional life these ideas have repeatedly seemed obvious (though a few times, I admit, I've sent e-mails that say essentially, 'are you sure I don't need your permission?'). In my personal life, especially in recent years, somehow my expression has been constricted by a need to at least convince or persuade the other person that what I'm about to do is okay. Or at least to negotiate with the other person before taking action. And what's clear just now is that this does not contribute to the happiness of all concerned. Or maybe of any concerned.
Tomorrow my son is picking me up and we'll get to spend a couple of days together. On Sunday I start the two-day trip back to Guatemala, the boat, and Dear Husband. Just now I'm eager to see how much more fun we will both have when I stop negotiating and seeking consensus over every little thing. Just now, too, I'm eager to see how quickly I can stop talking when I notice my words are unconvincing, rather than try harder to be persuasive. Just now I'm eager to see if gentle acceptance and affection can replace negotiation as my standard approach.
Stay tuned.