Giving up addiction -- again
It's been coming for weeks, this resolve to act, to free myself, to take control and Just Say No. I've been walking away from the last dregs without capturing every drop ... I've been standing up and slamming it down and just leaving the room ...
This morning one I love and respect had 100 or so of us in the palm of ter metaphorical hand and then he asked: "what's one thing you would like to change, or have changed, and are you willing to stand up and claim it out loud?"
One person said tey was taking the step of joining something. Another person said tey was planning to run a marathon in a couple of weeks.
I stood up and said (to laughter -- they just didn't get it) "I'm going home and taking Spider Solitaire off my computer." I was trembling, not sure I could really do it. Shortly I felt pissed-off, nobody taking this seriously. What, it only rots my eyesight, not my liver? It only uses up braincells and makes my back hurt, and the only hangover is visual, so that means it's not important?
Later still someone I like very much, but don't know as well as I would like to, approached with "Don't you think it's really just a form of meditation, something your brain actually needs in order to function? Don't you think it's really just a mistake to think you should get rid of it? What if you find you actually work better when you can take a break to play?"
I tried to be patient and hear what tey thought tey was saying ... but what I kept hearing was "I don't want you to give up your addiction, I want to be able to pretend I'm not addicted." Like, 'don't go home yet, you're not really drunk, here, have another one on me.'
Probably all this rage was good -- it made it easy to sit down and delete the game program. First, of course, I had to be reminded that just putting the Shortcut into the Recycle Bin would not be enough. And I had to play one last game ... well, actually three of them before I was willing to admit that continuing to play until I finally won again would probably not help. So then I opened up Add/Remove Programs and did the job. Then went directly to Recycle and Emptied the Bin.
There. It's really gone.
So for the past couple of hours I've either ... written (homework, stream of consciousnsess, do-lists, whatever) during the slow loading of this or that software, this or that internet page ... or ... actually stood up from the desk and done something useful in my office.
Yay!
This morning one I love and respect had 100 or so of us in the palm of ter metaphorical hand and then he asked: "what's one thing you would like to change, or have changed, and are you willing to stand up and claim it out loud?"
One person said tey was taking the step of joining something. Another person said tey was planning to run a marathon in a couple of weeks.
I stood up and said (to laughter -- they just didn't get it) "I'm going home and taking Spider Solitaire off my computer." I was trembling, not sure I could really do it. Shortly I felt pissed-off, nobody taking this seriously. What, it only rots my eyesight, not my liver? It only uses up braincells and makes my back hurt, and the only hangover is visual, so that means it's not important?
Later still someone I like very much, but don't know as well as I would like to, approached with "Don't you think it's really just a form of meditation, something your brain actually needs in order to function? Don't you think it's really just a mistake to think you should get rid of it? What if you find you actually work better when you can take a break to play?"
I tried to be patient and hear what tey thought tey was saying ... but what I kept hearing was "I don't want you to give up your addiction, I want to be able to pretend I'm not addicted." Like, 'don't go home yet, you're not really drunk, here, have another one on me.'
Probably all this rage was good -- it made it easy to sit down and delete the game program. First, of course, I had to be reminded that just putting the Shortcut into the Recycle Bin would not be enough. And I had to play one last game ... well, actually three of them before I was willing to admit that continuing to play until I finally won again would probably not help. So then I opened up Add/Remove Programs and did the job. Then went directly to Recycle and Emptied the Bin.
There. It's really gone.
So for the past couple of hours I've either ... written (homework, stream of consciousnsess, do-lists, whatever) during the slow loading of this or that software, this or that internet page ... or ... actually stood up from the desk and done something useful in my office.
Yay!