Voices in my head
The voice of anger says 'he's wrong, I'm right, he has to listen to me, I don't have to listen to him.'
The voice of despair says 'he's wrong, nothing I say matters, I'm helpless, it's hopeless.'
The voice of reason says 'you've felt this way before and it hasn't been true then, either.'
The voice of peacefulness asks 'what good can you find in all this negative feeling? if it existed FOR you, what would it be for?
The voice of loving says 'he's a good man and you do love him, so you should relax and let it be.'
The voice of high self asks 'is there something here you need to change? or are you just looking for attention you usually don't get?'
I wish I could feel that speaking my truth made us closer. But my prediction is that he'll just pull away further now that I've said how unhappy I am just now. I wish I could feel that holding my tongue worked better, but all that has happened is I've been brooding for days without improvement.
Nothing's wrong, really. Nothing's right at all, though.
Yesterday or the day before I spent an hour thinking seriously about leaving early, going back home three weeks ahead of schedule. I chose not to change my plans. I felt that if I walked out on this construction adventure, it would be an act of disloyalty and it would make a permanent rift. I wasn't angry then, or not a lot, I was just significantly uncomfortable in lots of ways without enough compensating delights.
Tonight he suggested I just go home. What he actually said was, "I think you should re-evaluate your travel schedule. You've put yourself in a position where you're living in a construction zone and it isn't working." What I heard, in the moment, sounded more like, "If you feel that way about it, why don't you just go home?"
I dunno whether to feel relieved (to have his permission, like I needed permission) or rejected.
(and another voice whispers "why would you want to choose to feel rejected?").
-- just at the moment it really sucks to be me --
The voice of despair says 'he's wrong, nothing I say matters, I'm helpless, it's hopeless.'
The voice of reason says 'you've felt this way before and it hasn't been true then, either.'
The voice of peacefulness asks 'what good can you find in all this negative feeling? if it existed FOR you, what would it be for?
The voice of loving says 'he's a good man and you do love him, so you should relax and let it be.'
The voice of high self asks 'is there something here you need to change? or are you just looking for attention you usually don't get?'
I wish I could feel that speaking my truth made us closer. But my prediction is that he'll just pull away further now that I've said how unhappy I am just now. I wish I could feel that holding my tongue worked better, but all that has happened is I've been brooding for days without improvement.
Nothing's wrong, really. Nothing's right at all, though.
Yesterday or the day before I spent an hour thinking seriously about leaving early, going back home three weeks ahead of schedule. I chose not to change my plans. I felt that if I walked out on this construction adventure, it would be an act of disloyalty and it would make a permanent rift. I wasn't angry then, or not a lot, I was just significantly uncomfortable in lots of ways without enough compensating delights.
Tonight he suggested I just go home. What he actually said was, "I think you should re-evaluate your travel schedule. You've put yourself in a position where you're living in a construction zone and it isn't working." What I heard, in the moment, sounded more like, "If you feel that way about it, why don't you just go home?"
I dunno whether to feel relieved (to have his permission, like I needed permission) or rejected.
(and another voice whispers "why would you want to choose to feel rejected?").
-- just at the moment it really sucks to be me --