Let's Play Lufia 2: Rise of the Sinistrals.
Chapter 8: Welcome to Humble Hour.
"That's... bad."
"Yeah. I mean... given how useless anyone else around here is, I don't necessarily think it's spectacular, but... bad."
"Are we... going somewhere with this?"
"Eeh, that's still nothing. I could probably easily wreck the city I came from, since the others can't fight... like, at all."
"Ahem!"
"Well, except for Tia. She's a master of the frying pan."
"And the whip, let me remind you."
"Well, this sure turned kinky in a hurry."
"You know, like I was going to do the last time, before you undermined the authority you vested in me in the most sexist of ways. May I hope you've learned from this?"
"I guess not."
"So... wanna be in charge this time around?"
"Now you're starting to sound like the King too."
"Groovy."
"Well, the reason our soldiers continue to be useless is because they never get a chance to gain some goddamned experience! You know, I've been trying to do something different with those guys instead of the constant spars, but you keep sending me off alone and, apparently, also now sending me with random people who just arrive in our town."
"Hey."
"Yeah, no offense, Maxim; I did enjoy our little trip together, but it's people like you and me who keep our soldiers from rising above the level of wimp."
"Point. I do have some ulterior motives this time, though."
"Whatever, oh, all knowing one. Let's just take it outside."
"That is one kind of destiny."
"It's the fun kind."
"I would question that, but since I live in a town with a crazy King, I'll just go with the flow. And now I'm depressed."
"How the hell I actually managed to be in the middle of a fight as a child is another thing, but let's not dwell on that. This world isn't quite THAT dark, right?"
"It's all unraveling at the seams, isn't it?"
"I wouldn't exactly say that, but our King seems dead set on turning me into some waif, so... command me, oh Lord. Put me in my place. Order me to get to the kitchen and make you a damn sandwich. I am Stepford and you are Gor."
"You're acting creepy, that's what you are doing. I told you that you could take command this time around. I honestly don't really care."
"I think I need to get out of this place. It's driving me insane."
"And we will. But first? We got ourselves some treasure to claim."
"...holy wings? I... think that's for you, Selan."
"What kind of... fetishy outfit is this? Did the King have this made for... oh, Christ, talk about abuse of powers."
"Yeah, it's... literally a bra with wings mounted on the back."
"Oh, but it offers such good protection, I'm sure."
"I'll say."
"Well, given that a village got destroyed, I think it's safe to classify it as 'bad'."
"I wonder if me being happy about getting to leave this damn place due to said event makes me a bad person."
"Normally, I'd say 'yes', but... we've met your King, so you deserve some leeway there."
"So you're going to have to handle it yourself if the boys are being mean to you again."
"But remember, don't cry. Because your tears are much too special to be wasted on boys who merely like you but don't really know how to express that yet."
"I... uh, really said that, didn't I?"
"Yes, you did. But... again, we met your King. You got some leeway, girlfriend."
"...yeah, I'm also less angry about this now."
"Well, someone destroyed the whole freaking place, so... how much worse can it get?"
"Oh God, it's much worse than we thought. There's... there's only a brownish square left."
"Um... that's... not where Gordovan used to be. Or ever was, really."
"Are you Gordovan? Who are you?! What did you do?!"
"Um... Maxim?"
"Eh, it's nothing, Selan. He does this when he's bored."
"....right. I usually solve that by roughing up the soldiers, but everyone's gotta have a hobby, I guess."
"Why does... everyone know where everything goes? It's always this and that to the west or north or whatever."
"Well, how else would we know where to go?"
"Um... by exploring?"
"Aw, crap. See, Tia? The title of lady traveller is already taken. You have to go home now and wait your turn."
"Yes, the lady traveller has been kidnapped. Who can face such a strong man now?"
"We must call for Lady Warrior and Friends. They can handle it."
"It's nice to see y'all taking this destruction seriously."
"Maybe he just hates cheap housing."
"He's working for the competition in the housing market?"
"Or maybe someone never really grew out of that school bully role."
"Yeah, these people sounds like they're worth rescuing."
"Man, what assholes. Don't they know that they should always rescue women when they're in trouble? It's the damsel in distress law."
"Aaaand it's a tower. Again."
"Go easy on me, guys. This is totally my first tower climb here."
"That's why you should have bought my book; Tower Climbing for Noobs."
"Step 1: Find the freaking key. Step 2: Open the freaking door. Step 3: Kill the freaking boss."
"Step 4: Profit!"
"Well, I guess it makes sense that they lock up places so that anyone can't just waltz into the place and rob it blind."
"Except nobody lives here, do they? So how dare they hog all that sweet-ass treasure?"
"Do the words 'private property' mean anything to you guys?"
"Doben the Doberman. That sounds like children's TV."
"Pretty dark children's TV, wouldn't you say?"
"What's this 'TV' you're talking about?"
"....."
"....."
"Dunno."
"The orcs are really branching out, aren't they? We've met all kinds on our way to climb every single tower, dungeon and temple in this world."
"Don't forget the sewers."
"Perish the thought."
"Sewers?"
"Yeah, the whole crown thing we talked about earlier."
"Which was disgusting in so many ways."
"Yeah, scientists are still working on the whole sewer technology thing."
"Oh my God, who designed this room?! Was it a collaboration between Escher and Picasso?"
"I think I can feel a migraine coming on."
"Well, it was all worth it, because this short platform came down. From a... position where it wouldn't be of any use?"
"And even if it wasn't there, it's a distance we could easily jump."
"We can jump?"
"Well, no, but that's not the point."
"Selan can jump, though. Constantly."
"Ah, that's right. Constantly, even."
"Hey! This better not be a slight on my training methods."
"I'm just glad this game doesn't have any jiggle physics."
"OK, we will apparently not be crossing over here. Yet."
"What the hell is this anyway?"
"Good question, even if this wasn't really what you meant."
"So, is this... scorpion a part of a bigger scorpion?"
"And he's supposed to be red too."
"...uh, wow, I guess."
"Oh, you girls and your horoscope silliness."
"Well, I'm expecting at least a little bit of accuracy, that's all I'm saying."
"You know, I see this, and the first thing that comes to mind is putting that pot on a switch and only walking on the light tiles. Am I off here?"
"Gordovan; for people who thinks tower riddles need more children's games."
"They could at least have put some REAL lava in there."
"Guy, if they did that, we would burst into flames just by walking beside it."
"Well, we should probably easily be able to just walk past this... slug thing, but we're not going to do that, are we?"
"Evil shell? What makes that shell so evil, and why isn't the slug just taking it off if it's so evil?"
"Who cares? I'm just hankering for some red lobster right now."
"Mmm, luxury food."
"That there's holes in the floor? OK, but it's kind of pointless when we can't really jump down them. Or fall down or whatever."
"It's the 'no jumping' clause in our contract."
"Kind of like that 'no clipping' thing in Doom, huh?"
"Just like everything else?"
"Yep. Like arrows and bombs. Well, probably bombs anyway."
"That's not a hook at all. That's a throwing knife with a chain attached to it."
"Hey, as long as it gets us over chasms and holes, I don't care if it looks like a sex toy with a chain attached to it."
"Ew."
"Can we please not put any innuendo into this?"
"Why? Does it make you hopping mad?"
"I REGRET NOTHING!"
"HOLD ON TIGHT, EVERYONE!"
"Do we have to get this close and intimate each time we hookshot ourselves over anything?"
"Well... yes."
"Well, I'm not complaining about that, but next time, I want to hold on to a girl while doing so. In fact, the very best way would be holding on to one while the other one holds on to me."
"Yeah well, dream on, buster."
"Phlargh! We need to find another key, don't we?"
"And this is a surprise to you?"
"No."
"OK, this room looks vaguely familiar somehow."
"It's the boob room with the happy nipple."
"It looks more like a creepy eye to me, but then, I'm not a pervert."
"Boing."
"You don't care if I think you're a pervert, do you?"
"Nope."
"Curses."
"A switch, huh? Good thing we didn't just JUMP those spikes. Or step down between them, which would have been very possible."
"Well, it's a good thing we didn't, because we had to raise that ladder to get all the way to the top."
"You could almost say we had to get a rise out of it, right? Eh? Eh?"
"....."
"....."
"You suck."
"And now we have several kinds of mages."
"Apparently, orcs don't make for very good ones, though."
"Wait, so the boob room is an elevator?"
"It's an EYE room."
"Psh. Men."
"So... who needs a miracle?"
"I'd say Guy needs one if he's ever going to get married."
"Um... actually, he's maybe the only one among us who IS engaged to marry in the future, so... yeah."
"Seriously?"
*sigh* "Yes, sadly, it's true. And just be glad you didn't witness that conversation between him and his sister."
"Which you took part in, and even got me involved in even though I didn't want any part of that."
"OK, fine. I'm sorry about that."
"Erm... what?"
"You don't want to know. Probably."
"Come to think of it, why are there ascension points outside of the tower? Did they run out of places due to all the riddly stuff to make place for indoor ladders?"
"Good question. This place even has an elevator."
"I guess it doesn't go to the top floor."
"The right words from the right man."
"Heh."
"Yes, I have no idea what this room is about. It's like the biggest bait ever."
"Or just busywork. So, what happens if we click that switch and change all those other switches around?"
"And now we can... ENTER!"
"Should we read that sign first, though?"
"Nah!"
"Wind key. I'd say you TURN a key, not wind it, but whatever."
"Maybe it's a key used to wind up a... I dunno, music box or something?"
"Yyyyeah, no. Pattern says we have to use this key on that door that's locked."
"Well, let's make haste, then, by drinking this potion and get to the door post-haste."
"Well, if we don't have a door, we should make one."
"You da bomb."
"There it is. Eagle Rock."
"It's only a model."
"Ssssh."
"Yes, 'used wind key'. Sounds like another really neat euphemism for 'farting'."
"I opened the storm gates."
"I released the wind demons."
"Selan!"
"What?!"
"You're a girl. That's just inappropriate."
"Pfft. It's hilarious."
"OK, we are being attacked by mushrooms again."
"Again?"
"Yes, well... they were... uh, not BIG mushrooms, so they were basically the same size as these."
"...right."
"It's a pattern. I've gotten used to it."
"And we're back in the boob room."
"IT'S NOT A BOOB ROOM! IT'S AN ELEVATOR!"
"Finally at the top. Let's just get this damn thing over with so we can get back."
"And then we can move on to the next dungeon we have to do."
"After moving on to the next city."
"You guys forgot all about the guy who destroyed a whole city, didn't you?"
"No, but seriously, how tough can he be?"
"Well, we're about to find out. And he even rolled out the red carpet."
"Someone let one loose here."
"Maybe he turned the wind key."
"Or there's a toilet behind that door."
"I sure did, and all it took was some godly flatulence."
"What the... have I entered poop joke hell?"
"You have seen or heard nothing yet. And it's time to wipe the floor with you. Or my ass."
"But why did you destroy the city?"
"That's... not really an answer."
"Cry me a river. In fact, let me give you a reason to cry right away."
"God damn it, why are you... like, ten times our size?"
"You're even standing behind us."
"Perspective is fun."
"You think so? Well, allow me to hand you some more of that."
"Urgh... one hit and I'm down."
"I hate fights I'm supposed to lose."
"Guys, I'm... don't leave me alone standing."
"Well, you are the only one with more than 300HP, bastard."
"Hey, don't hate the non-wussy playas."
"Well, that was really embarrassing."
"And in case you thought it was fun to survive the first attack; a fat lot of good that did when the designated healer went down."
"You guys seem OK. I guess it's a good thing he didn't REALLY want to kill you."
"You KNOW who I am, Maxim. We've met before."
"Yes, well, I'm just surprised to see you each time after something relatively big happens."
"Well, not that this tower is crumbling or anything, or that we're in any immediately peril, but... uh, thanks anyway. So, how about some answers?"
"And you bought that?"
"Well, yes and no. Fighting is the only thing I can do, so I gotta do something to feel important, right?"
"Cool. Let's go, then."
"Yey, I'm important too."
"OK, I'm feeling silly now."
"Oh really? Well, then, join the club."
"I guess that means we won't be getting any sensible ones any time soon."
"OK, that's relatively sensible, I guess."
"Like how that bitch didn't mention ME. I'm not important, huh?"
"Uh... right."
"OK, scimitar? Fine and all, but... 'block shield'? Isn't that the freaking point of having a shield at all?"
"It's a shield made of a block... I guess?"
"I... I'm not quite sure, but there's something oddly symbolic about this mark on the floor somehow."
"Beats me. For some odd reason, I feel like I should have seen it before, but... I haven't."
With our heroes facing their first defeat, they worry about the fate of the world. If they aren't strong enough to defend it, what chances will it have? How much more will they have to level? And what will the people at the town of Gordovan have to say about this?
"I... yes, you can RELAX now. The guy blew away a whole city and we couldn't even defeat him, but sure.... relaxing seems like a nice course of action. Knock yourselves out. Or let me do it for you! Gnaaargh!"
"Dude, calm down."
"I just got my ass handed to me and found out that I'm a sore loser. Don't tell me to calm down, damnit!"
"We all got our asses handed to us. Stop being such an 'it's all about MEEEE' wet cloth about this."
To be continued....
Onwards to the next chapter....
Back to the beginning....