Let's Play Lufia 2: Rise of the Sinistrals.
Chapter 2: Take Two Dungeons And Call Me in the Morning.
"Yes, I am quite a guy. I'll do something really stupid just to please some woman. Because that's what makes me a man."
"....."
"Well, at least I was honest about the taste, and she didn't punch me in the face over it. I guess that puts her above a lot of anime women."
"......"
"And her cooking isn't really that bad. She just tried experimenting, and it didn't work out. And she even took it pretty well."
"Uh oh. I think I can see where this is going."
"Well, gee... They won't even consider asking the only guy in the village who knows how to fight, right? Nah!"
"...."
"'You're the only one in the city that can take on these monsters'."
"We have faith in you."
"We have fa.. oh, shut up!"
"Well, what do you have?"
"...."
"And why, after all these years of fighting for this village, does it occur to me just now to see if I can get some better equipment here?"
"Well, I guess I could... wait, you consider a frying pan to be a weapon?"
"It can be."
"Technically yes, but not a very good one. And a chopping board as a shield. Tia, cooking utensils does not make for good weaponry. This isn't a comedy, you know."
"Oh, quiet you. If the cookware isn't good enough for you, Mr. Fighter, how about you go for the REAL sword and shield, then."
"I was going to. Jeez."
"Well, I'm off to save this town from having to do anything even remotely dangerous."
"....."
"Again."
"Like... uh... things that'll ruin their upholstery. Yeah, eat it, harmless butterflies."
"Yep. Underground passages. Because tunneling through mountains is too much work."
"Seriously? But... that couldn't possibly be anyone from my town. Who could it be?"
"....."
"And what do you mean 'different'? Well, I guess daring to move outside city limits would make her unique, but the men here are hardly any different."
"....."
"Man, I could use some party members. I'm already tired of talking only to myself."
"Well, apparently, I have to deal with this stupid dungeon before I can exit on the other side. I hope it won't turn into a recurring situation that people can't keep track of their keys."
"Man, this place needs a gardener. How the hell can grass grow inside a cave anyway? I thought sunlight was one of the requirements here."
"At least I can understand there being mushrooms. On the other hand, they're also moving around. Do I even want to know where these guys get their nutrients?"
"Also, found secret entrance. Well, it's not that secret since it was in plain sight and all, but perspective, I guess."
"Just look at that freaking keyhole. We're talking 'key to the city' size keys here. Even if I had a backpack, I couldn't hold it, so thanks for hammerspace letting me carry around more junk than I possibly could."
"Some doors need keys to open. Some doors need a random switch pressed. It's total anarchy, man."
"And some doors make me happy there are the prerequisite jars lying around. Who built this cave? Professor Layton?"
"YES, I HAVE A LIFE!"
"....."
"That was a terrible joke. I am so sorry."
"I HAVE FOUND ESCAPE!"
"....."
"I... guess we're talking magical dungeon-escaping items here? I guess that's useful for a world where dungeon lurkers respawn like rabbits."
"The whole 'grass growing in dungeons' conundrum aside, how the hell do they grow on top of BUTTONS?! And when was this button last pressed? Does it still even work? Are these things I need to worry about?"
"....."
"Do I ask too many questions?"
"This place is so square. I bet I could recreate it in Minecraft."
"Oh God, PETA would go nuts if they saw this. I better liberate these... uh, animals... and plants... and jellies... real quick.
"Gah! Stop attacking me. You're free. I don't want to... ah, damn it!"
"...."
"Yeah, that could have gone a whole lot better, I guess."
"Well, at least it makes sense that you'd find bats in caves."
"Aaaand they're aggressive too. Either that, or they're just aimlessly flapping in my face."
"....."
"The aimless flapping option won't give me any experience, though, so let's go with aggressive."
"I HAVE THE POWEEEEEER.... POOOOOOTIOOOOOOON!"
"Man, we even have buttons that change colors depending on whether they're activated or not. Yep, technology sure is amazing."
"Pah! I can't do anything here. It's almost like I'm missing something."
"Oh well, I'll just head over this bridge instead, and then.."
"...um, fight a spider. OK, that wasn't originally how I intended to finish that one. But at least spiders are creepy, so murdering them should be no problem, right?"
"OK, what the hell is this?"
"Why, it's a carpet that refills my HP and MP. That sure is convenient. And amazing, I guess. But there's still that... pentagram on the right. I'm almost afraid to step on that one."
"What is this 'save' you speak of? Do I 'save' myself from Satan? Is that it?"
"....."
"And I apparently only had... like, nineteen minutes left before he came for me. Just in the nick of time, huh?"
"Well, I guess that means we're going to do this the hard way, then, Mr. .... uh."
"...Lizard Man? Well, whatever. At least you're not armed with a frying pan and cutting board, though I get the impression that you might as well have been."
"And why am I thinking to myself now instead of talking to myself. I haven't been shy about that before now."
"Yes, I would very much like to know why I'm just thinking now all of a sudden."
"Um... that's not what I meant."
"Well... yes, I saw it for a second. What of it?"
"You mean to say that a red light in the sky is a terrible omen? Are you trying to turn us into a bunch of paranoid doomsayers?"
"No, I'm just saying it's the case this time. Do with it as you like, Mr. Reluctant Traveller."
"Well, it's just that I've been fighting all my life. I was kind of hoping to take a break from that for a little while."
"Hah! Fat chance, sport."
"You sure do. Believe in yourself. And eat lots of bacon."
"Stop reading my thoughts. And... bacon, seriously?"
"Naw, I made up that last one. Good to see you're paying attention."
"Go go Psychic Hotline. So, what's the charge for this consultation?"
"Normally nothing, as it's all a part of my experiment, but there is a toll for needless smartassery."
"Well, whatever. Moving on."
"Tell me about it. It literally made me do the twist and shout. Where are the Isley Brothers when you need them?"
"Well, it sounds kind of farfetched, but I just went into a dungeon because a lizard man stole a key, so what do I know?"
"Well, it usually helps your case if you don't come up with an even dumber reason than the one you're making fun of."
"Well, so far the catfish theory seems to be winning, yes."
"....."
"Might be because I'm mostly talking to kids, though."
"A cave, you say? Like a dungeon? Looks like it's time to go fishin', then."
"Indeed, it's the talk of the town. So, what's your take on all this? Any theories?"
"Yeah, sure. Be vague. I know it's got something to do with sawing logs, at least."
"Well, I guess it's time to go check out that dungeon and see if I can get me some fish in there. It's even in the middle of a peninsula, so... big chance, right?"
"Well... that was fun, I guess. There's just something about levers that make it so that large amounts of water flow in and out of an area. There be some forces in swing here, that's fo' sho."
"You guys look like you've gotten more than enough blood, so it's time to give some back.
"Why.... why is there a carpet in this cave? It's even a pretty luxurious one with gold trimmings and all. Is there some rich asshole who's just gotta have the most extravagant dank dungeon? Nothing but the best and rarest moss growing on the walls of THIS place."
"Not to mention TWO WHOLE types of jelly. Good thing that old fart isn't here, or he'd probably just fill my ears about creepy details from back when he spanked his wife's buttocks red and blue, and that's the kind of nightmares I DON'T want."
"Hyeah, I bet you can tell the warmups are supposed to be over when the dungeons already expect me to fall down at least one whole floor. Which will probably not be the craziest thing I ever do."
"But before that, let's check out Mr. Rhinoceros Beetle over here. He's awfully blue, isn't he?"
"Um... or not. But man, that's one magnificent horn you got there, Mr. Beetle. It would be a shame if something were to happen to it."
"Baby Frog? Come on, dungeon... could we please refrain from making me kill Baby ANYTHING?!"
"Aaand when I killed those poor things, a wall exploded and introduced more stuff for me to kill. I'm detecting a pattern here."
"Shoot the arrows in the... you DO realize I can only shoot arrows in the same order, right, signpost? It's not like I can choose one arrow over the other here."
"Wha... an Eagle? Come on! How does that make any sense inside a cave!"
"....."
"Come one, come all. Watch the famous Cave Eagle, who spends most of its life bumping into walls."
"Well, let's get away from this murd-o-rama. I will be doing enough stabbing on my journey as it is. I don't need any dungeons setting it up for me for convenience."
"And speaking of convenient, how about this weapon? It's a sword labelled 'crush'... somehow, because that's just what you do with a sword. And it's effective against insects AND spiders. Because... spiders aren't insects, I guess? You learn something new each day."
"......"
"Oh, and it's got an IP attack too. That... sounds all internet tech-y and stuff. UNLEASH THE DDoS!"
"Oh, it's... uh, a BOMB attack. Because the crush part made too much sense, I guess. BOMB A SWORD!"
"Oh man, that was more than one floor. It was more like... one and a half. Ow, my knees."
"WATUUUR LEVAAARS! I MUST PUT RAFT ON WATUR FOR FLOATE MAGYC, DEN PULL STIK!"
"Yeah, I totally lucked out on that one. It's not like I've done this in an past life or anything. Nope."
"Because if I did, I would remember that I needed a freaking key for this too. Is this going to be a damn pattern from this point forth?"
"I'VE GOT THE... wait, I've already done this joke. Well, that sucks. I cut through all that grass, and the only thing I got was a freaking potion."
"MULTIPLE BOTON FOR GREAT DOOR SELECTION!"
"...."
"Which means I have to come back here later and take the other way. That's swell."
"OH NO! WRINKLES IN THE CARPET! COULDN'T THE OWNER OF THIS DUNGEON AFFORD A BUTLER?! SCANDALOUS!"
"But more importantly, stairways hiding under the... square thingies? With all this pushing and cutting and stuff, I feel like I'm being stealthily trained to become some kind of glorified action janitor."
"Let's see. 'Turn that frown upside down'. Well, that depends on the angle now, doesn't it?"
"Well, whatever. Now I finally have the... uh, lake key. I guess I'm supposed to jam it into some water or something?"
"Incidentally, I got these spells I never really use. I've had the reset spell described for me, but... 'strong'? Does it up my attack power? That sounds like the most logical conclusion to me."
"And instead it heals me. That's... one way of looking at it, I guess. I mean... this from the world that have quake-creating catfish."
"Well, whatevah! THE OTHER DOOR!"
"Pah! It seems like 'ordeal' is another word for 'lots of fights'. But that's just the gift that keeps on giving, right? Murder for experience and loot?"
"....."
"Well, I guess I could just try sneaking in through the back first."
"Well, I got a miracle, you sexy thing. But since I can't reach the other chest over this one, I guess I will have to go and... uh, go through that 'ordeal'."
"It's like the final exam of random encounters. A little bit of everything."
"All that fighting, and all I got was this stupid ring."
"Well, back to this, now that I have the lake key and all. Kind of makes me feel like the Kingdom Hearts version of King Arthur or something."
"Come back here, you yellow bastard. I'll bite your legs off, froggie. Stop... running... in... circles."
"Oh, whatever. If he's going to be a stranger to my sword, then I'll just take my lake key and go somewhere else."
"Like... uh, straight into this catfish lair. Well, imagine that. The crazy old guy was right. Man, there's gonna be a whole bunch of smug kids in that village for a while."
"....."
"And look who's got the cojones to call ME weak. I guess somebody forgot they're only like the second boss I've fought so far. Cakewalk, kittyslapper."
"So, you're not buying my macho posturing, huh?"
"Well, it's kind of hard to take you seriously for sitting there and looking like a complete dead weight. Besides..."
"Well, it's weird enough that you can talk, so all that's missing is for you to use yourself as some kind of levitating fish-slapping dance weapon or something. But, of course, to do that, you need to know how to fly."
"I was anticipating you saying something like that."
"And boy, you weren't kidding. You're actually floating off the ground... well, I mean water. Not that it matters, since I'm going to beat you down there again anyway. Prepare to make quite the splash."
"Sleep and make earthquakes. You live a busy life, don't you?"
"Don't judge me! You're not my mom!"
"No, I... what? I'm just saying you could get out of your cave every now and then. There's a big ocean out there."
"That's... actually a good idea."
"YOU MEAN YOU NEVER EVER CONSIDERED THE POSSIBILITY?!"
"....nope?"
"Well, then, there's only one thing to do; beat you up one more time."
Leaving the second dungeon behind, Maxim's quest is still uncertain, but there's already sinister clouds gathering on the horizon. All that's left to do now is walk the distance and see where it takes him.
"Well, whoever it was got here fine on her own, so she could probably manage by herself."
"......"
"Oh, who am I kidding. Of COURSE I have to go see who it is, as if I didn't already know."
To be continued....
Onwards to the next chapter....
Back to the beginning....