Let's Play: Knight 'n Grail
Chapter 6: Getting dressed for success.
"Well, I guess it's time to do some more backtracking. Through the Holy Halls, no less. I guess if I walk long enough in this direction, I'll end up in Horrible Halls, where I'll end up having to suffer an eternity of bad puns."
"Well, one of those previously unvisited secret spots is pretty close by. Let's see which other bird-related powers we can get a hold of."
"Hummm, so I guess those two heads really were guarding something. And they really ARE better than one.... I guess."
"Ah, stone tablet, how I fear thee and thy potential nonsense. Well, whatever.... let me have it."
"Wha? I can transform to my original form? Hey, keep the spoilers to a minimum, people! OK?!"
"And here I thought the power of a Nightingale would allow me to get the power of Shadow, Subterfuge or Strife. All more the fool I am... or something."
"Ooooh-kaaay, I must admit this is pretty useful."
"Ahaha, I have finally reached the ultimate in backtracking spelunkery, the nirvana of 'haven't I been here before?' I have returned to the point where it all started."
"Man, I hit the lifeline-extending jackpot here. It's like finding a big, super-potent Viagra for my life bar."
"Alright, two smaller sections and one long hallway left, it seems."
"Well, well, well. We meet again."
"....."
"What?!"
"Well, that secret section was.... underwhelming. What? Could they only afford half a screen? Is it a work-in-progress? At least I got a Max Energy and not a Half Energy."
"Back to the halls of balls, the tenement of testicles, the scrotum sanatorium. And they're not in danger of dropping anytime soon, I bet."
"Mmmmm, a big, green pool. Either someone is very fond of jello, or this is where the green stuff ends up when you 'flick it'."
"......"
"Yeah, it's jello. ....I hope."
"....oh. Power of Eagle, huh? Boy, I can hardly wait to find out what THAT does."
"Right. The power of the Eagle is apparently drawing targeting circles on brittle scenery. I'm just wondering how that's supposed to help REAL eagles? Are they known for ramming brick walls with their heads?"
"Wehehell, if it isn't another little life viagra dosage. I wonder how much my thingie will grow this time, durhur."
"Pretty far out, man. But I guess this is as long as it's ever going to get. Probably."
"Hoo boy, doesn't that look like a set of eyes."
"Um... what are you going to do with that sword, Mr. Knight?"
"Oh, you'll see, a statement that will become hilariously ironic after the fact."
"MY EYES OH GOD WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?!"
"Going through."
"CHRIST, WHY DON'T YOU JUST TAKE MY EARS WHILE YOU'RE AT IT?!"
"Heh. The Wall can't stop this guy, so eat it, Pink."
"Yes, well... let's hope this isn't goddamn Heroes of the Lance territory. I'd hate to have to keep to short, impotent jabs with my weapons instead of the crazy-ass skills I have now."
"So, what the hell are you guys supposed to be? Skeleton gargoyles? Stone trolls? If you're a troll that's been turned to stone, it's a little late to be guarding the halls, isn't it?"
"Wall-mounted skulls. You guys really hate people who jump, don't you?"
"YES! LEGS ARE THE INSTRUMENT OF THE DEVIL!"
"I think you're just jealous of people who's got a leg up on you."
"Did you just throw your head at me? What is this? Altered Beast?"
"....."
"Wwwwiiiise fwom youw gwaves, Mw. Fudd!"
"Up or down? Granted, Mr. Skull Head did say my legs were the instrument of the devil, but I think I'll go upstairs anyway."
"...say, did you hear something?"
"Hmmm. Nothing up here either."
"GEEEEET OOOOUUUT!"
"Yikes!"
"What the hell is this? It's light blue, so it's made of ice? Does that mean wearing the Armor of Ice will protect me from its attempted trauma?"
"...apparently so. AND I AM IMMUNE TO YOUR CRUSHING POWERS!"
"I guess we're not quite done with the breakable walls either. Is there any point to this at... uh, this point?"
"I dunno, man. It just gets to a point where the enemies get a little ahead of themselves. They completely lose their heads, know what I'm saying?"
"Oh dear. I guess the cellar is not for me."
"You chose.... wisely."
"Hah! More of... hey, waaaait a second. These guys are DARK blue. Well... middle blue, I should say. Either way, better swap to the Armor of WATER to save myself from cranial crushing death."
"....."
"Makes perfect sense to me."
"Oh, come ON! I realize there's no guarantee I'd have the power of EAGLE at this point, but I Would most certainly try to break the wall. Well, probably."
"Ah, purple skullcrushers. I'm beginning to detect a pattern here. Might've been effective if there were actually any OTHER threats here, but... eh."
"Bye, Barney Headcrusher. I never loved you."
"OH, GODDAMN IT!"
"Yeah, they took rejection as well as I expected. Also, there's that noise again. What can it be?!"
"Aha, there we are. The item I shouldn't even be able to see, let alone know about. I need to get there... like, right now."
"Thank you, but I don't need a new head. Try the next."
*sigh* "Not this again. And someone lit my fart on fire. Gotta do something about my diet, since I'm basically farting green flames."
"Finally at the end of this damn hall. And of course it's guarded by the 'LEGS ARE EVIL' brigade."
"Well, they are."
"Yeah, well, at least they're getting me somewhere. Ta ta."
"Oh yes, we're going in through the back door, amigo."
"....."
"Not what it sounds like."
"Hmm. I thought there would be a boss here, but... apparently not. Well, then...."
"OH GOD THERE'S A BOSS SHOOT IT IN THE HEART UNTIL DEAD AAAAAAAAH!"
"......"
"Wait, where did it go?"
"......"
"Seriously? That was it? Then... what did I soil my armor for?"
"Yes, it's the final piece. My quest is now complete. Well, almost."
"Yeah, I had some nightmares about that, thank you very much. I was almost condemned to become the villain fighting one of the more ambiguously homoerotic characters of Saturday Morning Cartoondom ever; the guy who had to be named He-Man just so he'd sound at least a little bit less fruity for the booty than normal."
"So yes, I got me a piece of armor solely to pick up a cup. I don't even...."
"Hi, guys."
"......"
"Bye, guys."
"I have nothing to say to you guys anymore."
"Bye, Ghost of Christmas Future. Not talking with any of you outside of the proper season."
"Fair enough."
"Nyehehe, I fooled ya. How'd you like each other's heads?"
"Oh. Right. The ceiling's falling down. Or at least some blocks with spikes on. How did I not notice THAT before?"
"Man, this is boring. I need to get this over with already."
"This way, sir. Just follow me."
"Lead the way, Klansman."
"That was a bit below the belt, sir."
"Well... at least you HAVE something below your belt now."
"Attack of the dumbbells."
"......"
"Yeah, I got nothing else. There's only so many jokes you can come up with for these stupid things, I'm kind of glad I have maximized my exploration percentage now. Let's check."
"Yyyyeah, that's one filled-out map, alright. Well... there's one last room, but we all know where that leads now, don't we?"
"I'll be ignoring YOU, though."
"Oh, come on, be a pal. I'm lonelyyyyybooohoohooo..."
"I guess this is my last chance to brush up on this rebirth thing. There's... really nothing left to save in this place, is there?"
"Alright, you two. Moment of truth coming up. Let's see if this last little diversion was worth the trouble."
"Yep. There's the grail, alright. Now to dress for success, so to speak."
"Golden armor, golden weapon, golden grail. It'll be a miracle if I don't go blind from all this shine."
"Yes, I... wait, what? I was in a garden just now, wasn't I? And I've already BEEN to the top of the castle."
"Because this is obviously a female dragon, right? Mostly because it's not immediately murdered on sight."
"As you can tell by the arms hanging straight down at her side. That's an aggressive stance. No, really."
"Alright, dragon. See that goblet? I've got two words for you."
"......"
"CHUG IT, CHUG IT, CHUG IT, CHUG IT, CHUG IT!"
"This is it. The moment of truth."
"Dazzling light? Well, it's a whole lot better than creeping darkness, at least."
"WHOA! It worked. We're back to being birds. Yeah, I bet you didn't see that one coming, did you?"
"YES! We're free. You know... as birds? Yes, indeedy."
Goal reached, our hero -- now back to his original form -- rejoiced at the sight of the love of his life, restored to her original form as well. They were free to fly off into the sunset and resume their earlier lives. It's a happy ending.... right?
"Honey, you've been awfully quiet. You alright?"
"You.... you...."
"Yeeees?"
"You IDIOT!"
"I... wha.... huh?"
"Yes, I said idiot! What the hell did you do that for?"
"Do what? Lift your curse?"
"Curse?! I was a DRAGON! Do you have any idea how awesome that was?"
"But... butbut... the curse. The huge, hulking form...."
"Exactly. It was a massive improvement from being a mere bird. The massive form preventing me from becoming a designated evening snack for whatever carnivores are inhabiting the area. And that's not even starting on the sheer increase of mobility."
"But... but... the other dragons... they attacked me, you know?"
"Well, what the hell were they supposed to do when some nincompoop wearing armor and wielding a sword came knocking at their door with murder on his mind? Because that's what idiotic knights DO; kill anything larger than them just for the fame. And you wanted to be a part of THAT?!"
"But..."
"Yet despite that, I was fine with leaving you alone until I could convince the wizard that gave me my dragon form to do the same for you if you wanted it. But nooooo, Mr. Knight-of-ni...hilism just had to take the bloody path, didn't you? I swear... why I married you, I'll never know. Must be because I've got the brain of a bird, which seems to be the case again now that Sir Dastardly has 'fixed' things again."
"But... but... the grail."
"And... yes, that. Just arrived out of nowhere and shoved that thing in my mouth when I was about to ask you to wait just one feather-flapping second. 'Strength fading fast' my foot, a foot I'm about to plant in your ass, you drivelling, beak-brained moron. I'm so angry I'd exhale fire if I still could."
"But...."
"No more butts. We are going home, and then I'm going to give you the beaking of a lifetime."
HAPPY END!
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