Swayzian Wisdom, Part One
I've been lazier with this than I would've liked, but bear with me. Earlier this summer, I decided to start an episode-by-episode list of life lessons that can be learned from North and South, and, since this community's devoted to the saga of the Mains and Hazards, I decided I'd share it with all of you. Those of you who have read the books as well as seen the miniseries will be in a better position to understand a few of these, but a large portion of them are also jabs at the frequent cheesiness of an epic I love anyway. So, enjoy, and feel free to share!
North & South: Book One, Episode One: "We're All the Same Age...Seventeen. *Wink*"
1. If your older brother disappears inexplicably, there's a possibility that everyone might start to assume that you share his views. After time, you might even begin to share his views. That's the confusion talking.
2. Southerners possess a little-known ability, namely, to stash a steamer trunk someplace secret while riding horses and saving damsels in distress, until the time comes to hoist it on one's shoulder and show how strong he is. Where that secret place is, I don't want to know...
3. Mechanization is the key to the South's future.
4. Young men, always makin' promises they ain't never gonna keep.
5. Soldiers have wandering hearts.
6. A way into an Ohio boy's heart is to give him money so he can stay at West Point.
7. Save the life of a power-hungry egomaniac and they make you pay and pay and pay.
8. Ulysses Grant is a superhero with the superpower of chasing away bullies...and power-hungry egomaniacs. Or at least he was until he hit the bottle.
9. The "Blame Orry Main Game" is a rabidly popular Northern past time. The rules? Rule One: See Orry Main. Rule Two: Be charming and/or courteous to Orry Main, until you hear his Southern drawl and learn he lives in South Carolina. Rule Three: Ask Orry Main if he's evil, or refuse to sit at the same table with him, or throw his carpetbag around. Bonus points awarded if you can say, "You're a planter," with the same disgust as you would add to such a sentence as, "You have herpes, don't you?"
10. "Fresh Berry Guy" knows all and sees all, except that the woman you love is about to marry a creep who bears a striking resemblance to the title character from Kill Bill...wait, maybe he really does know, but he's not telling you, either because he doesn't want to upset you, or because he knows that said woman's father might just throw him into the fire, along with all the letters you sent her.
11. If you're ever invited to the wedding of the woman you love, make a dramatically and fashionably late arrival, and drown your despair at the expense of the horndog who married her.
12. Need your horse saddled? Need to cut down a slave who's just been whipped? Need any of a thousand other odd tasks done around your plantation? Just go to your local slave market and pick up a Cuffey-trust me, he's everywhere you want to be.
13. This won't be the last time we'll hear this advice, but just remember, "Give a hoot, leave Resolute."
x-posted to artorius-castus
North & South: Book One, Episode One: "We're All the Same Age...Seventeen. *Wink*"
1. If your older brother disappears inexplicably, there's a possibility that everyone might start to assume that you share his views. After time, you might even begin to share his views. That's the confusion talking.
2. Southerners possess a little-known ability, namely, to stash a steamer trunk someplace secret while riding horses and saving damsels in distress, until the time comes to hoist it on one's shoulder and show how strong he is. Where that secret place is, I don't want to know...
3. Mechanization is the key to the South's future.
4. Young men, always makin' promises they ain't never gonna keep.
5. Soldiers have wandering hearts.
6. A way into an Ohio boy's heart is to give him money so he can stay at West Point.
7. Save the life of a power-hungry egomaniac and they make you pay and pay and pay.
8. Ulysses Grant is a superhero with the superpower of chasing away bullies...and power-hungry egomaniacs. Or at least he was until he hit the bottle.
9. The "Blame Orry Main Game" is a rabidly popular Northern past time. The rules? Rule One: See Orry Main. Rule Two: Be charming and/or courteous to Orry Main, until you hear his Southern drawl and learn he lives in South Carolina. Rule Three: Ask Orry Main if he's evil, or refuse to sit at the same table with him, or throw his carpetbag around. Bonus points awarded if you can say, "You're a planter," with the same disgust as you would add to such a sentence as, "You have herpes, don't you?"
10. "Fresh Berry Guy" knows all and sees all, except that the woman you love is about to marry a creep who bears a striking resemblance to the title character from Kill Bill...wait, maybe he really does know, but he's not telling you, either because he doesn't want to upset you, or because he knows that said woman's father might just throw him into the fire, along with all the letters you sent her.
11. If you're ever invited to the wedding of the woman you love, make a dramatically and fashionably late arrival, and drown your despair at the expense of the horndog who married her.
12. Need your horse saddled? Need to cut down a slave who's just been whipped? Need any of a thousand other odd tasks done around your plantation? Just go to your local slave market and pick up a Cuffey-trust me, he's everywhere you want to be.
13. This won't be the last time we'll hear this advice, but just remember, "Give a hoot, leave Resolute."
x-posted to artorius-castus