(no subject)
I will not be here for her pregnancy. I will not be here to see her body change, to hold her when she’s scared, to support her during the birth. I fact, I probably will not be back to see my child take their first steps.
I know there is a chance, a good chance, I will never see my wife again and will never see my child at all.
I put my hand on her tummy, already starting to round just slightly. It may be my only chance.
God in heaven.
Morning comes and wait for her to wake. She does, looking sleepy and mussed and absolutely beautiful. She locks her brown eyes, which look even more enormous from her sobbing, right on mine.
The hatred is back.
The war may have been going on for months. But I know the one between us is about to begin.
New Chapter:
Elizabeth is awake and furious, but she just gets up without a word.
“Stay in bed, it’s very early” I say.
“You’re leaving tomorrow?”
“Yes”, I say.
“Then we have a lot to do today”, she answers.
“Let me help you”, she says.
“No”, I answer, “I have to be able to do this by myself.”
She seems to accept this, pulls the nightgown back over her head, and leaves.
I struggle down the stairs alone, but I have to overcome this. There are stairs aboard my ship.
When I begin to enter the parlor, I hear Elizabeth and Will talking. It is beneath me, but I do not enter or make a sound and listen to them outside the door.
“I’m so sorry”, Will says.
“So am I”, she answers. “If there were any way I could make him whole again, I would.”
“Yes and I’m sorry for you too”, he says, “Locked up here in this house for months. Tied to the man. I know you’re doing your duty, Elizabeth, you’re a true lady. But he’s going. He has to take care of himself and he won’t be here for you to look after. You have literally done all you can for him. I know you care for the Commodore…”
I wait with baited breath.
“Yes”, she answers, “I care for him.”
“But you don’t love him. You love me.”
He takes her hands in his own.
“When I return, I want us to get out of here. On the Black Pearl. Like we always planned. Think of it, being a pirate again without a care in the world. You’re exhausted, Elizabeth, you need a break.”
“I am exhausted”, she says.
This was not the life I wanted for her when I proposed.
“Don’t tell me you’re not tempted”, he says.
“Tempted? To feel the wind on my face. To find treasure with Jack? Of course I’m tempted. But things have changed…”
“I know they’ve changed”, he cuts her off.
“More has changed than you know, Will. I intend to wait here for my husband because it is my desire. I want to be his wife.”
I stand straighter just hearing this.
“No you don’t. That’s the duty talking. That’s the affection that grew out of taking care of a man who depended on you for everything”, he says and his words ring all too true.
“It’s not”, she answers.
“I feel so sorry for you, Elizabeth, for your loss.”
“You’ve said that twice now Will. He’s alive, I didn’t lose him.” She takes a deep breath.
“Yet”, she adds.
“You did lose your husband, your expected husband. But not for good. I’ll take care of myself, Elizabeth, and I’ll come back to you alive. How terrible it must be for you. God almighty, to lie next to that every night. Can he even make love to you?”
“I won’t talk about this anymore with you, Will. My feelings are my own”, she says.
She walks to the door and I have to try to move fast.
“Good morning”, I say.
“Good morning, James.” She’s as cold as ice.
God I don’t want to do this. “I think it’s time we had this out”, I say.
“How did you come down the stairs, James?”
Her question takes me by surprise.
“Can you move fast? I see the pain written all over your face. You’re going to do this until the war is over? Look at you. You’re helpless. You’re not up to this and you know it”, she says, every word a dagger.
I step back from these words.
“You know me well. It’s a blow that you have such a low opinion of me”, I say.
I leave her there.
Elizabeth:
I did not mean to hurt him. I know instantly that I wounded him terribly. But how on earth is he going to survive this?
I am fairly certain he goes off to his death. I would say or do anything to keep him here. I know England will lose the Caribbean without him. Fuck England. I want my husband.
I go to find him in his study, where I know he studies the charts Father passed him.
I knock. No response. I try to open the door. Locked.
“Come to breakfast, James”, I say.
The door stays closed.
He comes out midday.
I try to look at him but he looks away.
“I’m so sorry”, I say and move to touch his face. His steps out of my reach.
“Don’t be sorry”, he says, “You just told the truth.”
He won’t let me near him
“Perhaps it’s best that I’m leaving. You’re free to do what you want. You’re no longer tied to a cripple”, he says.
I think to mention the baby. Can I tie him here with his child? I won’t do that, he deserves better.
“I never thought of you as a cripple”, I tell him.
He looks disbelieving.
“I never thought of you as anything but my husband”, I try to reassure him.
“When we first married, you thought of me as your captor. Don’t bother denying it. I wonder if you have ever spoken a word of truth to me in your entire life.”
“When have I lied to you?” I ask and steam is rising from my ears.
“You’re a fine man, James. It’s not a condition, it’s a request. And the little fact that you left out that the pirates couldn’t be killed. It almost cost me and the best of my men their lives. Any of this a ring a bell?” he asks.
I want to rage at him. I have been tried, convicted and sentenced. The worst part is, I cannot disagree with a word.
I step toward him. He doesn’t move. My mouth goes directly to his neck.
“Elizabeth, stop this”, he says.
He pushes me away.
I spend the day packing his clothes, getting ready his boots and his black buckled shoes, his spare coat, wig powder, the list goes on and on. Every bit of his clothes it have been washed and left to dry by Estrella who I am sure is about to accuse me of slavery.
I go in his study to help with his papers, but of course he got those together first.
He comes in for dinner but hardly touches it.
“You’re going to need a good night’s sleep”, Jack says.
I’ve always liked Jack.
James drinks down the last of his glass of wine.
“Indeed”, he says. He rises from the table and as many arms as an octopus reach out to steady him, myself, Father, Jack, even Will.
He yanks his hands away from us all.
I wait half an hour and knock on our bedroom door.
As I walk in, he’s surprised, and standing, taking off the white linen shirt that leaves little of his impressive body to the imagination.
“I’m tired, Elizabeth. I think it’s best if you sleep down the hall.”
“I can’t let you leave like this. With so many misunderstandings”, I tell him.
“Don’t worry, I heard you loud and clear”, he answers.
I cross the room and press my lips to his.
He doesn’t kiss me back, but I notice he doesn’t push me away either.
“Make love to me”, I whisper.
I kiss his neck and whisper into his ear. He closes his eyes as if he’s fighting my words and my affection.
But his eyes go soft and his lips want to reach for mine.
With his eyes closed, his mouth hanging open a fraction, his breath ragged…he wants me.
As I cup his face, he leans into my hand. He’s gone dreamy and a bit dizzy. It hits me how much power I have over this man. But that’s what happens when someone loves you.
I’ve never regretted anything I’ve ever done. But I think I now understand how much and how many times I’ve misused his love. How many times I have twisted it for my own ends.
I press my hand against his heart and feel the steady thump.
“Strong”, I whisper. And I can feel his pulse quicken.
Without a word he picks me up in his arms and carries me to the bed. I don’t tell him to be careful.
After he puts me down, he lies flat and finally his exquisite green eyes open.
I try to help him with the leg, but he pushes my hand away.
I straddle him and if he had any resistance left in him it’s gone. I begin to rock slowly. He moans and pulls my hips down.
“James, you’re an amazing lover…” I do not exaggerate.
“Your only, I hope”, he says with a laugh.
“My only. My own. God, James, I….”
He grabs my bottom and pulls me closer.
“Deeper, sweetheart”, I whisper to him and he pushes hard and gasps.
“Mmmm, ah, oh…” he cries. I kiss his chest, his face, his eyes…I want to memorize every detail, every muscle, every plane.
“I’m going to ride you so hard, you’ll be seasick”, I whisper into his ear and his pace picks up.
“I haven’t been seasick since I was 13”, he growls
I touch every part of him, starting with his face, then I kiss down his chest, his strong arms, down the plane of his belly.
He holds my face in his hands and seems to be doing the same.
He runs his hands through my hair and then presses his mouth hard against mine.
It’s the deepest kiss we’ve ever shared.
I run my hands over him, squeezing every part of him gently. Then down his legs and he stiffens when my fingers make contact with the end of the stump.
He tries to scoot away, suddenly shy. The look of desperation in his eyes breaks my heart.
Only one thing to do. I dip my head between his legs and kiss up his thighs. Both of them. Then I take him in my mouth.
Suddenly he comes hard and rides the wave, putting his fingers in the all right places so I can join him.
“Because you think you’ll see me never see me again?” he asks with ragged breath.
“Because you’re my hero”, I whisper, hoping to God he believes me this time, “And you deserve a hero’s send off and when you come back, you’ll get a hero’s welcome.”
“Elizabeth”, he moans and pulls me closer.
He flips me on my side and takes me from behind.
This is marvelous, deeper than I could imagine.
My moans seem to be driving him mad.
He gasps and pushes harder and harder.
“Oh God, oh God…” He’s lost.
As he moans, he asks me a question. “Do you really think I’m a hero, Elizabeth?”, he asks. “Tell me the truth. “I am I really your hero?”
“Yes, yes, yes….”
I answer two questions at once.
I shatter again. Then fall against his chest.
I hold him close. I will not cry. Though it may be the last time my husband and I are together, I will not cry. From will power if nothing else. He doesn’t need to worry about me more than he already does.
I kiss him but I find I had no reason to worry about crying. Tears are slipping down his own cheeks.
I kiss them away.
“Do you have faith in me?” he asks and I know my answer.
“I have”, I say. “I know you can do anything. You’re James Norrington.”
He kisses me well. On the lips, in my hair, my breasts, and finally my rounding belly.
“I’m coming back”, he says, “I’m coming back for both of you.”
How I wish I believed it.
Neither of us gets any sleep that night. We kiss and cuddle and try to comfort each other. Every time I cry, he kisses my forehead and cuddles me closer. We still have so many ragged nerves between us.
Finally, I climb atop him again and he sinks deep inside. We are sitting, me in his lap, my legs stretched out behind him. We face each other and he touches my face as if I were made of vellum. He moves to pull out, and I gasp and pull him closer.
“Stay, stay, stay….” This can’t be coming to an end.
“My darling”, I say. We put our foreheads together, tears slipping down both our cheeks. As we tire, we lie down wrapped in each other’s arms.
Finally he dozes and I kiss his forehead. He talks in his sleep.
“Love you”, he mumbles.
Dawn comes far too soon.
He gets up and sees to himself. I have to let him.
I kiss him and leave the room.
Just minutes later, as the cook prepares a breakfast that could choke a horse, I come knock on our bedroom door.
“Come in”, he says.
I gasp and my breath catches in my throat. He’s in his full dress uniform, cutlass at his side. He wears wool stockings rather than silk, but everything else is the same. I remember the first time I saw him. Larger than life.
“Your merchant clothes?” I ask.
“Will be put over these. A woolen cloak. But I face my men as their commander”, he says.
“Breakfast is ready”, I say.
“No time”, he answers and I worry already.
“We have to get out of here before most of Port Royal wakes up”, he adds.
I run to him, weeping like a child. He enfolds me in his arms.
“Godspeed”, I whisper in his ear. “Come back to me.”
He nods. “I will. You can count on it, I swear.”
We kiss deeply, tongues mingling.
We walk out hand in hand. He has mastered the stairs, the way he masters everything else.
Jack waits by the door with Father and Will. Too fast, it’s all happening too fast. I can hardly believe I am losing them all.
“Remember what I said”, James says. He kisses me on the cheek. Then I kiss Father and nod to Will.
James leaves with Father and Will. But he looks back and I smile with as much confidence as I can muster.
Once the door is closed, I cannot fight the tears anymore. Thankfully Jack has ready arms for me to fall into.
James:
I don’t know what to expect as the Pearl bumps gently against the Dauntless. This may be tricky.
A wooden plank, held by ropes, is lowered so I can climb in it and stand. The pulley is effective and allows me to step on to the deck.
Gillette stands by and gasps. I think he’s even more proud than I am.
“Sir, this is quite remarkable.”
“The stores?” I ask.
“Low, we are low on everything, low on powder, low on cannon balls, low on water…”
“We’ll have to make do”, I say.
My men stare. Are they checking for a weakness? But no, I see pride, but also relief on their faces.
“Good to see you again, sir”, the bosun says.
“I’m afraid the English envoys, who have finally arrived, have been asking to see you for weeks. They want to discuss the strategy”, Gillette says.
“I’ll send them word of what we’re doing as soon as is feasible”, I respond. “The charts?”
“Precise, sir. Their ships are everywhere from our own port all the way to Trinidad”, Gillette says.
Gillette:
Minutes later, I find him in the chart room, one eye pressed against a magnifying glass that he sweeps across a map.
“This is accurate?” he asks.
“It is. I know it’s bleak”, I say.
“My decision is made”, he says.
I clear my throat. “Sir…”
“James in private”, he says.
“James…there are many high ranking officials among the envoys, including Admiral Kent.”
“But they didn’t call on Admiral Kent, they called on me. Besides, you know as well as I do Andrew that commanders do not make decisions by committee”, he says and I know he is truly back.
James:
The men need a heading.
I walk up the two steps to the wheel. Gillette tries to help, but I wave him off.
“We take the fight to them, as far from here as possible. When we return, the bastards will have no fleet to run to”, I say.
Gillette breaks into a smile. “As you say, sir.”
He is beaming. “Welcome back to the Dauntless”, he says. “The fleet is yours, sir.”
“South, Southeast tack, Mr. Franklin”, I shout and the man runs to do my bidding.
“Let’s see Trinidad”, I say. Huzzahs ring out.
I take the wheel and close my eyes. It’s like coming home. I believe a man cannot properly command a ship unless the two become one. Usually the Dauntless is as steady as a rock, but now I feel her quivering beneath me, begging for action. She missed me too.