Thoughts on a fool
I'm not sure anyone reads this anymore, and for good reason. I've only posted once before and it was a mediocre worthless post. Therefore, this might be a good place to store some ramblings.
I've lost someone I care about deeply. The woman I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. And it's for the worst reason of all... that I'm just not right for her. And she's correct about that. I'm not sure that The two of us would ever be able to be completely happy together. She's a wonderful wonderful girl and I've spent the last two nights awake, staring at my wooden ceiling and wondering if life is worth going on without her. If there is something more or something at least equal waiting somewhere else. I still don't know. I guess another sleepless night is around the bend.
She matched so many things I desired in a partner. And yet, lacked so many as well. She's not perfect, but she is amazing. I love her still, but I'm not sure I'm capable of giving her what she needs. What she deserves. I want to marry her, I want to plan a life with her, but what can I offer? I'm an abnormal person, and she's looking for a life of stability and normalcy. A house, a church, four kids, two dogs, two cars, and a single income. There are many moments when I think that's what I want, but as soon as I settle into that mindset, something starts itching me. Starts kicking at my temple, and I realize that's not who I am. It's a constant struggle between the life I see others having and the life I know I need.
My brother has a steady job, a little house, a big dog, and a stable life. At least at present. He doesn't have constant money flucuations, he has hobbies and fun that happen after his job. It seems like my life is either all or nothing. All I am doing is working or all I am doing is nothing. How do I find that balance? How do I know whether I need to fly to Florida tomorrow with a ring and find Katherine and tell her how much I truly love her and how I want to marry her and be the man she wants me to be. But can I be that man forever? Or will I have a slow burn of resentment that I am not who I feel I should be?
She fights with her parents about me, that I do love her. I fight with everyone that she loves me, and that we should be together. That our love was not doomed. Maybe that was something I should have listened to.
When I was with Tiffany, I was, ironically, the sort of person Katherine wants now. I did her laundry, I cooked her food, I cleaned her house for her, all because I thought it would make her love me. I helped her with her papers and made study guides for her tests. I brought her flowers almost every single day. When she had to go to California for the summer, I threw everything to the wind and followed her there. When she came back to Tacoma, I threw everything to the surf, and followed her back. I did everything for her. In the end, I realized that I started trying to control her and make her into what I wanted her to be, no longer loving her for who she was.
In truth, I barely had a life outside my relationship with her. I was, for lack of a better word, obsessed, and all I wanted to do was anything that would make her pay attention to me and show me affection.
I know I am capable of being consumed by love and many times over the three months i've been apart from Kat, I've tried to figure out grandiose plans of moving to Florida and sweeping her off her feet. I've been holding myself back because I saw what happened to me with Tiffany, and I saw that it presents a difficult life. To live for someone else can be traumatic. I was going to head to Florida in the second week of May and propose to her. And now, I have to wonder, is that something that would make her happy? Would it make a difference in our lives for the better? What kind of future can I offer her? Can I be the person she needs, she wants, she deserves? Is that what is best for me? Is that what is best for her?
I am a flawed person. I can be selfish and self-absorbed. I have projects and dreams I yearn for, and often I spend too much time lost in thought about what it would be like once those dreams have come true, and not enough time thinking about what I need to do to make those dreams come true. I need to spend more time willing to make sacrifices, and doing what might make me uncomfortable. Many times, I'm more willing to go without food than eat in a restauraunt alone. It's crazy. I'm crazy. I complain too much. I want people to be amazed that I have struggled through somehow. That I am John Wayne, and it's a miracle I did what I did. It's stupid, and I need to stop.
But I'm a good person too. I try to help people when I can. I smile, I make jokes and try and keep spirits up. I take people out to dinner and buy rounds of beer even when I don't drink. I park way far away from entraces because I know I can walk. I spend hours upon hours trying to create an elfish experience for little girls at Christmas time. I spent all my money making phone calls from Europe. I'm loyal, to a fault. And I have dreams.
I just get absorbed sometimes. Sometimes I need a swift kick in the pants to remember to look around me and realize there are other people. It's not something I do on purpose. I just need to remember that other people have needs and desires. Have dreams and wants. Weaknesses and missing socks. It's time that I try expecting nothing and giving everything, and hoping it balances out in the end.
I'm sure most of this is just drivel. But it has helped me think. I know I love Katherine. I do. More than any other girl. But, as I told her, perhaps this is a moment where I have been too practical, and have not infused enough excitement and adventure into my life. There is a certain glory to giving oneself over to love. It's a disconnect from reality, and, in a sense, forgives the most insane of plans and ideals.
I've lost someone I care about deeply. The woman I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. And it's for the worst reason of all... that I'm just not right for her. And she's correct about that. I'm not sure that The two of us would ever be able to be completely happy together. She's a wonderful wonderful girl and I've spent the last two nights awake, staring at my wooden ceiling and wondering if life is worth going on without her. If there is something more or something at least equal waiting somewhere else. I still don't know. I guess another sleepless night is around the bend.
She matched so many things I desired in a partner. And yet, lacked so many as well. She's not perfect, but she is amazing. I love her still, but I'm not sure I'm capable of giving her what she needs. What she deserves. I want to marry her, I want to plan a life with her, but what can I offer? I'm an abnormal person, and she's looking for a life of stability and normalcy. A house, a church, four kids, two dogs, two cars, and a single income. There are many moments when I think that's what I want, but as soon as I settle into that mindset, something starts itching me. Starts kicking at my temple, and I realize that's not who I am. It's a constant struggle between the life I see others having and the life I know I need.
My brother has a steady job, a little house, a big dog, and a stable life. At least at present. He doesn't have constant money flucuations, he has hobbies and fun that happen after his job. It seems like my life is either all or nothing. All I am doing is working or all I am doing is nothing. How do I find that balance? How do I know whether I need to fly to Florida tomorrow with a ring and find Katherine and tell her how much I truly love her and how I want to marry her and be the man she wants me to be. But can I be that man forever? Or will I have a slow burn of resentment that I am not who I feel I should be?
She fights with her parents about me, that I do love her. I fight with everyone that she loves me, and that we should be together. That our love was not doomed. Maybe that was something I should have listened to.
When I was with Tiffany, I was, ironically, the sort of person Katherine wants now. I did her laundry, I cooked her food, I cleaned her house for her, all because I thought it would make her love me. I helped her with her papers and made study guides for her tests. I brought her flowers almost every single day. When she had to go to California for the summer, I threw everything to the wind and followed her there. When she came back to Tacoma, I threw everything to the surf, and followed her back. I did everything for her. In the end, I realized that I started trying to control her and make her into what I wanted her to be, no longer loving her for who she was.
In truth, I barely had a life outside my relationship with her. I was, for lack of a better word, obsessed, and all I wanted to do was anything that would make her pay attention to me and show me affection.
I know I am capable of being consumed by love and many times over the three months i've been apart from Kat, I've tried to figure out grandiose plans of moving to Florida and sweeping her off her feet. I've been holding myself back because I saw what happened to me with Tiffany, and I saw that it presents a difficult life. To live for someone else can be traumatic. I was going to head to Florida in the second week of May and propose to her. And now, I have to wonder, is that something that would make her happy? Would it make a difference in our lives for the better? What kind of future can I offer her? Can I be the person she needs, she wants, she deserves? Is that what is best for me? Is that what is best for her?
I am a flawed person. I can be selfish and self-absorbed. I have projects and dreams I yearn for, and often I spend too much time lost in thought about what it would be like once those dreams have come true, and not enough time thinking about what I need to do to make those dreams come true. I need to spend more time willing to make sacrifices, and doing what might make me uncomfortable. Many times, I'm more willing to go without food than eat in a restauraunt alone. It's crazy. I'm crazy. I complain too much. I want people to be amazed that I have struggled through somehow. That I am John Wayne, and it's a miracle I did what I did. It's stupid, and I need to stop.
But I'm a good person too. I try to help people when I can. I smile, I make jokes and try and keep spirits up. I take people out to dinner and buy rounds of beer even when I don't drink. I park way far away from entraces because I know I can walk. I spend hours upon hours trying to create an elfish experience for little girls at Christmas time. I spent all my money making phone calls from Europe. I'm loyal, to a fault. And I have dreams.
I just get absorbed sometimes. Sometimes I need a swift kick in the pants to remember to look around me and realize there are other people. It's not something I do on purpose. I just need to remember that other people have needs and desires. Have dreams and wants. Weaknesses and missing socks. It's time that I try expecting nothing and giving everything, and hoping it balances out in the end.
I'm sure most of this is just drivel. But it has helped me think. I know I love Katherine. I do. More than any other girl. But, as I told her, perhaps this is a moment where I have been too practical, and have not infused enough excitement and adventure into my life. There is a certain glory to giving oneself over to love. It's a disconnect from reality, and, in a sense, forgives the most insane of plans and ideals.