Fic: The Good Fight (SGA)
Title: The Good Fight
Author: Normative Jean
Rating: PG
Category: General, drama
Characters: Elizabeth, Teyla, John, team
Beta: dannylover934
Pairing: none
Disclaimer: belongs to Brad Wright, Robert Cooper, and the various production companies
Author's Notes: Takes place between "Letters From Pegasus" and "The Gift"
Author's Notes 2: It took me a damn long time to write this thing. What was once supposed to be an episode tag turned into (for me, anyway) an homage to the idealism the characters lost during the course of season 2 in order to survive.
Summary: It's not about winning, it's about what's at stake.
"Are the deep space sensors still tracking the Wraith at the same pace?"
Elizabeth Weir looked across the triangular table at her lead science advisor. Rodney McKay had been fiddling with his laptop throughout the entire briefing, and Elizabeth couldn't tell if he was analyzing data or playing solitaire. His facial expression hadn't changed in fifteen minutes, so she figured it could have gone either way.
"What?" Rodney started, looking up from his screen at the question before settling back into his previous relaxed state. "Yes," he replied. "We're still showing the Wraith hive ships coming out of hyperspace periodically to stop at planets along their path. We're working with the assumption that it's to feed--"
"Of course that's what they're doing," John Sheppard interrupted, his voice soft but intent.
"As I was saying," Rodney continued, pausing long enough to shoot a bitter look John's way, "we're working on the assumption that they're stopping to feed. We're assuming it's to ensure that any ground troops are at full strength when they arrive here."
John sat slouched in his chair, one arm casually resting on the table. The expression on his face, however, betrayed his relaxed countenance, and his words more closely matched his face than his body. "This is what you've been working on for two days? That the Wraith are feeding so they can more effectively destroy us all?"
"Major," Elizabeth warned. Everyone in Atlantis was on edge, and the ranking military officer slipping deeper into a personal depression was not helping matters any. "We're working off of practically no intelligence, and certainly without any real knowledge of how the Wraith perceive threats."
Before John could respond, Teyla nodded at Elizabeth and spoke up, "I am in agreement with you, Dr. Weir. Never have I known of anyone who posed a genuine threat to the Wraith. There is no way of knowing how they will react to Atlantis, since you have proven to be adversaries capable of challenging their power."
"Oh please, Teyla," John sat up suddenly, leaning forward on the table as he spoke. "We know damn well how they react to threats. They attacked the Ancients and succeeded in destroying their civilization. They're coming here and we are currently without any way of defending ourselves." At this, he turned his attention to Elizabeth, fixing her with a darker look than anyone in the room had seen him previously give her. "But this is, of course, all by way of our limited intelligence."
The people sitting around the table fell silent as they waited to see what their expedition leader would do. They had all noticed an increased tension building between Elizabeth and John during the last few weeks, and had certainly seen how John had grown angrier since the news of the impending Wraith attack had been given. The general population only saw the more stressed senior personnel, but the people there for the briefing knew that the expedition leader and ranking military officer had had a serious falling out as a result of the nanovirus; the senior personnel also knew that the alternate version of Elizabeth had provided the only period of reprieve from the slow-simmering antagonism. Now, it looked like the differences between the two leaders would finally come to a head.
"Major, I don't need to remind you that we are all under a great deal of pressure here. Nor do I feel the need to remind you that we are all facing the same threat. We need ideas right now, not antagonism." Elizabeth felt herself desperately trying to contain what would be a very volatile confrontation.
John scoffed and leaned back in his chair, idly playing with a pen as he shot a nasty smirk her way. "Did you get that out of a textbook or something?"
Elizabeth snapped. "I shouldn't have to remind you Major, that your team has not only lost several ZPMs, but has also made more enemies than allies out there."
"Excuse me?" John spoke softly but clearly. "My team has been out there every damn day--"
"So have three other Stargate teams. They've managed small trade agreements at least." Elizabeth could not stop herself from raising an eyebrow in condescension. "All reports seem to indicate that you are often the deciding factor in how a mission fares. Although lately, it's just been a choice between 'bad' or 'worse.'"
Everyone in the room recognized how dangerous the situation was becoming, but none were sure how to handle it. Aiden Ford wanted to jump in and defend his commanding officer, but he knew that there was truth in Elizabeth's words, not to mention that she herself was ultimately his commander. Christopher Bates remembered all to well the disaster that had occurred the last time he was caught in between the two senior officers in the city, and knew better than to try and involve himself now. Rodney wanted nothing more than to get away from the emotional fallout he was sure was coming and get back to his labs to try and figure out some eleventh-hour solution to save them all. Carson Beckett wished he could step in and talk to Elizabeth and John separately, but he was astute enough to know they needed to work things out on their own. Teyla understood that this was not only because of the current situation, but much deeper issues between John and Elizabeth that she could not solve for them. No one said anything, and waited for the inevitable explosion.
"I think you're trying to look for other problems to avoid making some very harsh decisions here, Doctor." John stood up and seethed. He couldn't say everything that was running through his head, because he very much doubted that even Bates would disobey Elizabeth's orders to throw him in the brig.
"And I think you are overstepping your boundaries, Major, both as a member of this expedition and as a human being." Elizabeth met his glare and refused to raise her voice even a bit. Cold and unemotional was always the best way to make wayward diplomats listen to her; John Sheppard was far from the most intimidating opponent she'd ever stared down across a briefing table.
John was barely containing his fury; Elizabeth knew the tensed shoulders and clenched jaw well enough from past experiences with him to know he was going to say something that they would both regret if she didn't rein in the situation. There was a part of her--a much larger part than she was ready to acknowledge at the moment--that relished the notion of a fight. An itch was forming somewhere deep in her skull that reminded her of just how long it had been since she had faced the mental and emotional challenge of talking someone down from a position she believed to be patently wrong. It flared up sometimes, in the dark and silent night when no one was around to see her falter, and not for the first time Elizabeth regretted ever accepting the President's original job offer. She hated bureaucracy with a fierce passion, which was one of the many reasons she had been so damn good at her old job; she could come in from the outside and tear down others' perceived superiority and rightness, and deconstruct all the carefully built ladder rungs that had caused so many political problems in the first place. Now, she had spent well over a year with her primary concern being paperwork and reminding other people of the chain of command, and the thought of a real verbal fight was almost too good an opportunity to pass up.
But Elizabeth was a negotiator at heart, and as much as she wanted the mental stimulation and emotional release, she knew this was not the forum for such a venture. What she needed was to defuse the current situation and get John someplace private where they could have out whatever their underlying problems were. Which naturally meant that John was going to make this as difficult as he possibly could.
"The only boundaries here, Dr. Weir, are the ones you've set up to prevent my people from getting the resources we need to defend this city!"
"'My?' 'We?'" Elizabeth asked, soft and deadly. "I don't know when exactly you forgot this, but there is no 'us versus them' here. We are all facing exactly the same dangers. The only difference is you seem hell-bent on single-handedly destroying anything that separates us from the indiscriminate destruction of the Wraith!"
John jumped out of his seat, his eyes blazing with fury and something deeper that Elizabeth couldn't even attempt to identify at the moment. The others in the room all started at the sight; even Bates and Rodney knew better than to say anything. Rising, Elizabeth held his gaze and did the only thing she could think of: she ended the briefing.
"Everyone, you're dismissed," she said, pretending not to hear the sigh of relief that had come from someone--she guessed Rodney--as they had jumped out of their chair. John moved to follow the other expedition members out of the room when Elizabeth pulled him back. "Not you, Major," she said firmly. "You and I need to have a private conversation outside."
Steaming, John stalked to the balcony doors and walked outside. Elizabeth followed him, barely catching the look of concern Teyla gave her as she left the room. Elizabeth had things she needed to say to John. They had things they needed to say to each other.
~*~*~*~*~*~
"Don't you ever speak to me that way in front of other people again, Major!" Elizabeth hissed.
"Don't you ever dismiss me in front of my subordinates like I'm some Second Lieutenant!" John whirled around and shouted in response.
Elizabeth looked at him in shock. "Excuse me? I was under the impression that I was the expedition leader here, not you. How silly of me to have gotten that confused!"
"That's not what I meant and you know it!" John stalked over to the railing overlooking the northern seaport, desperately trying to regain some measure of composure. "You run this place. Fine. I think you know I accept that--"
"All evidence to the contrary," Elizabeth interrupted him and crossed her arms across her chest. She raised an eyebrow when he opened his mouth to speak, daring him to contradict what she had said.
"You know that," he continued through gritted teeth. "But you're not the one they follow through the Stargate on a regular basis. You're not the one who they look to for orders on whether or not to kill someone!"
"I led these people to another galaxy! I had no way of knowing what we were going to find here!"
"And I have to lead these people into battle because of it, Elizabeth!"
"Then act like their leader, John!" She was fully incensed now, holding nothing back as she stared him down with venom lacing every word and look. "We have less than two weeks before the Wraith arrive at Atlantis--"
"I know--"
"--And no one knows which way is up! There was not a single person in that meeting today who was not expecting to die when they come, but the rest of the people here? The other members of this expedition? They're not."
John glared at Elizabeth. "These aren't stupid people, Elizabeth. They know what the Wraith coming to Atlantis means. They know why you had them all record personal messages to go along with the data burst back to Earth. They were saying goodbye."
"So that makes it okay, then?"
She was pacing now, walking back and forth across the balcony. John thought she might have been working off her excess anger. He found he couldn't blame her for having it in abundance.
"Because they got to say goodbye you're just going to give up?"
"It's not a question of that and you know it!"
"Isn't it?" She stopped walking and turned to look at him. Her voice was calmer now, but it still held a mixture of anger and steel. "Because that's exactly what it sounds like, Major. You're just going to sit here and wait for the end to come."
That infuriated John. In the nine months that they had been in the Pegasus galaxy John had come to expect a few things from Elizabeth, but below-the-belt remarks insinuating cowardice was not one of them
"You think I'm just going to wait? I want to make damn sure we do everything we can to survive! But you keep shouting down our suggestions--"
"You wanted to steal from a planet of children--"
"And you said you wanted us to survive! I swear to God, Elizabeth, I don't know what the hell you want from me here!" John ran a hand through his hair and hissed out a breath. He needed not to be saying the things he was saying to the woman who was his commanding officer, but the floodgates were being pried open during the fight and John honestly had no idea how to close them again.
Elizabeth looked at him like she was seeing him for the first time. John wasn't entirely sure he liked how she was judging him.
"What do I want, John?" Her voice was quiet now; nothing like it had been for most of the time since she had ordered him onto the balcony for a private discussion. "Apparently, I don't want enough."
The words of a similar conversation just yesterday ran through John's head.
"What do you want from me?"
"Too much, I fear."
Teyla had wanted more than John could give--though he still didn't know the full meaning behind her words--and now Elizabeth said she didn't want enough. John had no idea how to respond to that, and so he just stood back and listened.
"I've given you more freedom during this expedition than I expected to. I've let you run the military contingent largely the way you best saw fit. I've consulted with you and taken your advice, but I've also butted heads with you more than once." Elizabeth was leaning against the railing now, one arm supporting her weight as she turned her body towards John. "I had hoped that after all that we were working with the same level of dedication and that we had the same goals for this expedition in mind. But now I wonder if I haven't been asking you for enough."
John looked at her helplessly. "I don't know what you're asking of me right now."
"From the first moment I was told we had a 'go' for this expedition, I've been working under the assumption that while we might be able to get home, it was a remote chance at best."
"So what does this--?"
Elizabeth held up her hand to stop his words. "That being said," she continued, "I've also known that out here, we were representing the best and brightest Earth has to offer. After everything we've seen and done, after saving the Athosians and the children of M7G-677, after facing the Genii, you still haven't figured it out?"
He knew she wanted him to answer, to say something to let her know that John understood. But he didn't. He had been fighting the battles he could win, and until yesterday he had honestly believed they stood a chance in hell at surviving the coming attack. John schooled his expression and asked Elizabeth, "Why don't you explain it to me?" It was the wrong thing to say and he knew it, but John was beyond caring at that point. He had witnessed a horror he wasn't sure he would ever be able to properly describe and now someone he had thought understood his motivations was questioning him.
"We've never believed we could save this galaxy from the Wraith, but how many times have we walked straight into the fire hoping to make a difference anyway? Who would have thought that we'd retake Atlantis from the Genii? You did everything in your power to keep the city from falling into their hands even though you knew that it might ultimately cost us the city itself. It was a losing battle, Major. Why did you fight it?"
Elizabeth looked at him intently, knowing the answer already and not needing John to clarify anything. He remained silent as she continued to speak, watching her and trying not to let the frustration he felt show on his face.
"If I had to characterize the people of Earth in only one way, I'd tell the universe that we don't live to be alive, we're alive so that we can live. It's not about winning, John; it's about what's at stake." She was pleading with him now, her voice taking on a tone of quiet desperation. She needed him to understand this and to agree with her, or else there really was no hope for Atlantis.
"What's the point of living if we're only going to breathe and wait to die?" she asked him. "Every single person who's died since we arrived here has gone out fighting, giving all they could until the very last moment so that the rest of us could pick up where they left off. That's what we're capable of, John. We can fight, even if we don't make it through alive. That's what I need from you, that attitude. I need you to be living and breathing that so that we can let the rest of our people know that it's okay for them to do so as well. If they see you giving up," Elizabeth sighed and turned away, waving her hand in defeat. "If they see that, then they're just going to sit and wait for the Wraith to come. I need you to be giving that, and I thought that you were. I'm sorry that I was wrong."
John didn't say anything--couldn't say anything. He didn't know how to respond to what she had just laid before him. He had never planned on being the military leader, and the things Elizabeth said were the things a leader said to their troops. John could admit to himself that he had never fully embraced his role as ranking military officer, as though denying it on even an inner level would alleviate some of his responsibilities. To do what she was asking of him now, to ask his people to fight to an end they knew was coming was not something he felt ready to do. Not yet.
John knew he shouldn't say anything, that he would only make the situation worse if he spoke before working out everything in his own mind. He would find Dr. Weir later and explain everything; she deserved that much from him. But right now the only option John could handle was to retreat. He needed time to think over what she had said and discover whether he felt that he could indeed measure up to everything she was asking. He just wasn't ready to do that yet.
"Permission to leave, Dr. Weir?"
Elizabeth sighed and lowered her head. She felt she had not gotten through to him. But there was nothing more that could be done now. "Granted, Major Sheppard."
She turned at watched as John waked back to the doors and entered the city. She was alone on the balcony now, and Elizabeth wondered if she hadn't really been alone all along.
~*~*~*~*~*~
When Teyla found her, Elizabeth was still standing on the balcony outside the main command area, resting against the railing as she stared out across the ocean.
"Dr. Weir?"
Teyla approached cautiously, remaining near the doorway as she waited for a response.
Elizabeth did not move from the railing but merely turned her head, her face unreadable. "Yes, Teyla?"
Teyla paused, unsure of how to proceed. She had not come out here with a planned speech in her mind; she suspected the other woman would not respond kindly to rote advice. It was a sense of duty that had taken her to seek out the Atlantis leader, but as she looked at Elizabeth, Teyla saw reflected in her eyes something with which she was quite familiar.
A wall.
The burden of leadership was something that Teyla knew well. To have so many lives dependent on you for guidance, for survival, was often heavier than one was prepared for. As much as Teyla respected Elizabeth, she had often wondered what sort of experience she had had before coming to Atlantis. Teyla could see Elizabeth's normally clear eyes held deeper pain than she was willing to admit by the very act of keeping that pain tightly locked away.
She knew the argument between Elizabeth and John had been a tense one, each desperately trying to keep a rein on what they were truly thinking at the time. The briefing had not been easy on any of them, but Teyla had seen then the strain in the other woman's body and face. She did not know what happened after Elizabeth had dismissed all of them save John, but judging from the woman's posture now and John's expression as she had passed him in the hall, Teyla did not believe their conversation had gone smoothly.
Teyla did not speak right away. She nodded her head slightly towards the empty space next to Elizabeth but didn't wait for her to accept Teyla's presence on the balcony before moving to stand at her side.
"I saw Major Sheppard before," Teyla began, eyes firmly locked on the horizon. "He did not seem pleased."
"Major Sheppard and I had a disagreement, nothing more.'" Elizabeth's words were cool and gave nothing away. "I wouldn't worry about him, Teyla."
"On the contrary," Teyla replied, turning to look at Elizabeth. "I am concerned for your well-being, Dr. Weir."
Elizabeth did not move, but Teyla could see her eyes widen slightly. It was over in a moment, and if Teyla had not been looking for signs that Elizabeth was not as fine as she always claimed, she would not have seen it.
"There's no reason for you to be concerned, Teyla. I'm as well as can be expected under the circumstances."
Teyla continued studying Elizabeth in the silence, a gentle expression on her face. After a few moments, she spoke again.
"I do understand why you are so upset, Dr. Weir," Teyla began. "This is not how I had anticipated things would go, either."
Elizabeth remained silent but turned her attention away from the water and towards the Athosian who had somehow become a part of their team. When she did not protest the intrusion into her affairs, Teyla continued.
"The people of this galaxy have always lived in fear of the Wraith. I had never met anyone who had not suffered from the cullings," she smiled slightly, "Until I met you and your people."
"I don't think we could have ever anticipated just how bad a situation we were walking into," Dr. Weir acknowledged, finally speaking. She left the second part of her thought unsaid, but Teyla could see in her eyes what it was.
"You cannot blame yourself for awakening the Wraith, Dr. Weir."
"I gave the original order for Major Sheppard to infiltrate the Hive ship, Teyla. The Wraith are awake now because of my decision. They're on their way to Atlantis because of that." Dr. Weir lowered her eyes as she thought over the consequences of her decision. Teyla wondered if she regretted the choice or its consequences.
"I was on that ship, Dr. Weir. Never before had I seen people who did not fear the Wraith. The leader you lost, Colonel Sumner?" Teyla made sure she had the name correctly; no one talked much about him after that horrible day. "He stared the Wraith in the eyes, and he showed great courage and strength. That as much as coming to Atlantis brought my people hope." She paused and looked at Elizabeth rather pointedly. "We cannot regret what has come to pass, we can only learn from it and face what is to come with knowledge and hope."
Elizabeth lowered her eyes and nodded. "Powerful words," she murmured. "It seems a sentiment that is much harder to act upon than to speak."
Teyla nodded. "Perhaps. But it does not change the facts of our situation. We are here now, and we cannot change the past."
"Apparently, even that's not an absolute."
Teyla sensed this might lead somewhere productive. "You have not been yourself since we encountered your alternate self."
The two women lapsed into silence, a rare commodity since learning of the Wraith's approach. If it wasn't teams going through the Stargate in the hopes of finding some means of defense it was teams returning and debriefing, or scientists hurrying throughout the city tossing ideas and theories back and forth, or soldiers engaging in combat practice to prepare for any ground assault. Atlantis had been noisier in the last few weeks than in all the months previous.
"She watched it happen," Elizabeth finally said. "She...I...she lived through Atlantis collapsing only to survive to see it fall the the Wraith the first time around." Elizabeth breathed in and exhaled. "It seems that my lot in life is to watch Atlantis die."
Teyla was taken aback. "Surely you do not believe that," she asked, shocked. "If you allow yourself to give in to that way of thinking, then we are all lost."
It surprised Teyla, then, when Elizabeth dropped her head and gave a bitter, deep-throated laugh. "Would you believe," she raised her eyes to look at Teyla, "that I just told Major Sheppard that exact same thing?"
"You should follow your own advice, then," Teyla smiled gently. She was acutely aware at that moment how much the being a leader weighed on Elizabeth's spirit. She had seen the older woman stand strong in the face of impossible odds--not to mention Major Sheppard and Dr. McKay, two of the most stubborn men Teyla had ever met in her life--and tackles every challenge thrown at her with a dignity and grace that only a true leader could possess. Teyla suspected that Elizabeth didn't hear such commendations from her people enough.
"You have the soul of a warrior, Dr. Weir," Teyla continued. "You may fight with different tools than myself or Major Sheppard or Dr. McKay, but your presence in Atlantis has soothed many frightened souls." Teyla turned to face Elizabeth. "You are still here, and you are still fighting. That alone is a testament to your strength."
Elizabeth listened to the words of the younger woman, perhaps the only other person in Atlantis who understood what it was to be the leader of a people who had lost their home. It was months later, and Elizabeth still wondered if it was worse to be driven from your homeland or to willingly turn your back on it. At least with the former there could be no sense of regret for choices made.
"I'm not sure what good that's doing us now," Elizabeth said.
Teyla merely shook her head. "Now more than ever is when we must cling to those things which make us different from the Wraith. If we compromise our integrity, then we really are merely the animals the Wraith see us as. It is the strength of our convictions that gives us the fierce desire to stand against the Wraith, regardless of how desperate the situation is." Teyla looked pointedly at Elizabeth. "It is something I saw in your people from the beginning."
Elizabeth did not look convinced of the argument, but Teyla recognized the determined mask that slipped over the other woman's face. It was a look she had come to associate with the Earth phrase "game face," and it was only then that Teyla fully comprehended what sentiment was meant by it. Teyla thought no one else was better to lead the resistance against the Wraith.
"There is an old expression among the people of Athos." Teyla was struck for a moment by how resolute Elizabeth now appeared. "'Animat populim.' It means 'soul of the people.' I believe, Dr. Weir, that you represent the truest intentions of your people, perhaps better than you will ever realize."
Teyla watched Elizabeth mull over what she had just said, and found she could see the moment the words finally sank into the other woman's spirit. Elizabeth's face reflected a calmness and strength that Teyla had always suspected the Earth woman was capable of, but until that moment she was unsure of whether or not her gamble would be justified. Teyla had led her people to the City of the Ancestors because of Major Sheppard's leadership, but she often wondered if she had stayed because of Elizabeth's. Teyla felt certain, now, that she had made the right decision.
"Alright then, Teyla." Elizabeth looked at the Athosian woman with fire in her eyes. "Let's try and save Atlantis."
"It is, as you said, easier to say than to do." Teyla needed to give just this one last push.
"Maybe," Elizabeth conceded. Her eyes, however, revealed no such weakness. "But if we go, we're going to put up one hell of a fight."
Elizabeth nodded to Teyla and turned to head back inside the city. Teyla remained on the balcony a moment longer, smiling to herself as she watched the retreating form of the Atlantis leader. Teyla felt, deep in her stomach, that Elizabeth would walk through fire and back in order to save her people. For the first time, Teyla felt they truly stood a chance.
It was a good feeling.
*The End*
Author: Normative Jean
Rating: PG
Category: General, drama
Characters: Elizabeth, Teyla, John, team
Beta: dannylover934
Pairing: none
Disclaimer: belongs to Brad Wright, Robert Cooper, and the various production companies
Author's Notes: Takes place between "Letters From Pegasus" and "The Gift"
Author's Notes 2: It took me a damn long time to write this thing. What was once supposed to be an episode tag turned into (for me, anyway) an homage to the idealism the characters lost during the course of season 2 in order to survive.
Summary: It's not about winning, it's about what's at stake.
"Are the deep space sensors still tracking the Wraith at the same pace?"
Elizabeth Weir looked across the triangular table at her lead science advisor. Rodney McKay had been fiddling with his laptop throughout the entire briefing, and Elizabeth couldn't tell if he was analyzing data or playing solitaire. His facial expression hadn't changed in fifteen minutes, so she figured it could have gone either way.
"What?" Rodney started, looking up from his screen at the question before settling back into his previous relaxed state. "Yes," he replied. "We're still showing the Wraith hive ships coming out of hyperspace periodically to stop at planets along their path. We're working with the assumption that it's to feed--"
"Of course that's what they're doing," John Sheppard interrupted, his voice soft but intent.
"As I was saying," Rodney continued, pausing long enough to shoot a bitter look John's way, "we're working on the assumption that they're stopping to feed. We're assuming it's to ensure that any ground troops are at full strength when they arrive here."
John sat slouched in his chair, one arm casually resting on the table. The expression on his face, however, betrayed his relaxed countenance, and his words more closely matched his face than his body. "This is what you've been working on for two days? That the Wraith are feeding so they can more effectively destroy us all?"
"Major," Elizabeth warned. Everyone in Atlantis was on edge, and the ranking military officer slipping deeper into a personal depression was not helping matters any. "We're working off of practically no intelligence, and certainly without any real knowledge of how the Wraith perceive threats."
Before John could respond, Teyla nodded at Elizabeth and spoke up, "I am in agreement with you, Dr. Weir. Never have I known of anyone who posed a genuine threat to the Wraith. There is no way of knowing how they will react to Atlantis, since you have proven to be adversaries capable of challenging their power."
"Oh please, Teyla," John sat up suddenly, leaning forward on the table as he spoke. "We know damn well how they react to threats. They attacked the Ancients and succeeded in destroying their civilization. They're coming here and we are currently without any way of defending ourselves." At this, he turned his attention to Elizabeth, fixing her with a darker look than anyone in the room had seen him previously give her. "But this is, of course, all by way of our limited intelligence."
The people sitting around the table fell silent as they waited to see what their expedition leader would do. They had all noticed an increased tension building between Elizabeth and John during the last few weeks, and had certainly seen how John had grown angrier since the news of the impending Wraith attack had been given. The general population only saw the more stressed senior personnel, but the people there for the briefing knew that the expedition leader and ranking military officer had had a serious falling out as a result of the nanovirus; the senior personnel also knew that the alternate version of Elizabeth had provided the only period of reprieve from the slow-simmering antagonism. Now, it looked like the differences between the two leaders would finally come to a head.
"Major, I don't need to remind you that we are all under a great deal of pressure here. Nor do I feel the need to remind you that we are all facing the same threat. We need ideas right now, not antagonism." Elizabeth felt herself desperately trying to contain what would be a very volatile confrontation.
John scoffed and leaned back in his chair, idly playing with a pen as he shot a nasty smirk her way. "Did you get that out of a textbook or something?"
Elizabeth snapped. "I shouldn't have to remind you Major, that your team has not only lost several ZPMs, but has also made more enemies than allies out there."
"Excuse me?" John spoke softly but clearly. "My team has been out there every damn day--"
"So have three other Stargate teams. They've managed small trade agreements at least." Elizabeth could not stop herself from raising an eyebrow in condescension. "All reports seem to indicate that you are often the deciding factor in how a mission fares. Although lately, it's just been a choice between 'bad' or 'worse.'"
Everyone in the room recognized how dangerous the situation was becoming, but none were sure how to handle it. Aiden Ford wanted to jump in and defend his commanding officer, but he knew that there was truth in Elizabeth's words, not to mention that she herself was ultimately his commander. Christopher Bates remembered all to well the disaster that had occurred the last time he was caught in between the two senior officers in the city, and knew better than to try and involve himself now. Rodney wanted nothing more than to get away from the emotional fallout he was sure was coming and get back to his labs to try and figure out some eleventh-hour solution to save them all. Carson Beckett wished he could step in and talk to Elizabeth and John separately, but he was astute enough to know they needed to work things out on their own. Teyla understood that this was not only because of the current situation, but much deeper issues between John and Elizabeth that she could not solve for them. No one said anything, and waited for the inevitable explosion.
"I think you're trying to look for other problems to avoid making some very harsh decisions here, Doctor." John stood up and seethed. He couldn't say everything that was running through his head, because he very much doubted that even Bates would disobey Elizabeth's orders to throw him in the brig.
"And I think you are overstepping your boundaries, Major, both as a member of this expedition and as a human being." Elizabeth met his glare and refused to raise her voice even a bit. Cold and unemotional was always the best way to make wayward diplomats listen to her; John Sheppard was far from the most intimidating opponent she'd ever stared down across a briefing table.
John was barely containing his fury; Elizabeth knew the tensed shoulders and clenched jaw well enough from past experiences with him to know he was going to say something that they would both regret if she didn't rein in the situation. There was a part of her--a much larger part than she was ready to acknowledge at the moment--that relished the notion of a fight. An itch was forming somewhere deep in her skull that reminded her of just how long it had been since she had faced the mental and emotional challenge of talking someone down from a position she believed to be patently wrong. It flared up sometimes, in the dark and silent night when no one was around to see her falter, and not for the first time Elizabeth regretted ever accepting the President's original job offer. She hated bureaucracy with a fierce passion, which was one of the many reasons she had been so damn good at her old job; she could come in from the outside and tear down others' perceived superiority and rightness, and deconstruct all the carefully built ladder rungs that had caused so many political problems in the first place. Now, she had spent well over a year with her primary concern being paperwork and reminding other people of the chain of command, and the thought of a real verbal fight was almost too good an opportunity to pass up.
But Elizabeth was a negotiator at heart, and as much as she wanted the mental stimulation and emotional release, she knew this was not the forum for such a venture. What she needed was to defuse the current situation and get John someplace private where they could have out whatever their underlying problems were. Which naturally meant that John was going to make this as difficult as he possibly could.
"The only boundaries here, Dr. Weir, are the ones you've set up to prevent my people from getting the resources we need to defend this city!"
"'My?' 'We?'" Elizabeth asked, soft and deadly. "I don't know when exactly you forgot this, but there is no 'us versus them' here. We are all facing exactly the same dangers. The only difference is you seem hell-bent on single-handedly destroying anything that separates us from the indiscriminate destruction of the Wraith!"
John jumped out of his seat, his eyes blazing with fury and something deeper that Elizabeth couldn't even attempt to identify at the moment. The others in the room all started at the sight; even Bates and Rodney knew better than to say anything. Rising, Elizabeth held his gaze and did the only thing she could think of: she ended the briefing.
"Everyone, you're dismissed," she said, pretending not to hear the sigh of relief that had come from someone--she guessed Rodney--as they had jumped out of their chair. John moved to follow the other expedition members out of the room when Elizabeth pulled him back. "Not you, Major," she said firmly. "You and I need to have a private conversation outside."
Steaming, John stalked to the balcony doors and walked outside. Elizabeth followed him, barely catching the look of concern Teyla gave her as she left the room. Elizabeth had things she needed to say to John. They had things they needed to say to each other.
~*~*~*~*~*~
"Don't you ever speak to me that way in front of other people again, Major!" Elizabeth hissed.
"Don't you ever dismiss me in front of my subordinates like I'm some Second Lieutenant!" John whirled around and shouted in response.
Elizabeth looked at him in shock. "Excuse me? I was under the impression that I was the expedition leader here, not you. How silly of me to have gotten that confused!"
"That's not what I meant and you know it!" John stalked over to the railing overlooking the northern seaport, desperately trying to regain some measure of composure. "You run this place. Fine. I think you know I accept that--"
"All evidence to the contrary," Elizabeth interrupted him and crossed her arms across her chest. She raised an eyebrow when he opened his mouth to speak, daring him to contradict what she had said.
"You know that," he continued through gritted teeth. "But you're not the one they follow through the Stargate on a regular basis. You're not the one who they look to for orders on whether or not to kill someone!"
"I led these people to another galaxy! I had no way of knowing what we were going to find here!"
"And I have to lead these people into battle because of it, Elizabeth!"
"Then act like their leader, John!" She was fully incensed now, holding nothing back as she stared him down with venom lacing every word and look. "We have less than two weeks before the Wraith arrive at Atlantis--"
"I know--"
"--And no one knows which way is up! There was not a single person in that meeting today who was not expecting to die when they come, but the rest of the people here? The other members of this expedition? They're not."
John glared at Elizabeth. "These aren't stupid people, Elizabeth. They know what the Wraith coming to Atlantis means. They know why you had them all record personal messages to go along with the data burst back to Earth. They were saying goodbye."
"So that makes it okay, then?"
She was pacing now, walking back and forth across the balcony. John thought she might have been working off her excess anger. He found he couldn't blame her for having it in abundance.
"Because they got to say goodbye you're just going to give up?"
"It's not a question of that and you know it!"
"Isn't it?" She stopped walking and turned to look at him. Her voice was calmer now, but it still held a mixture of anger and steel. "Because that's exactly what it sounds like, Major. You're just going to sit here and wait for the end to come."
That infuriated John. In the nine months that they had been in the Pegasus galaxy John had come to expect a few things from Elizabeth, but below-the-belt remarks insinuating cowardice was not one of them
"You think I'm just going to wait? I want to make damn sure we do everything we can to survive! But you keep shouting down our suggestions--"
"You wanted to steal from a planet of children--"
"And you said you wanted us to survive! I swear to God, Elizabeth, I don't know what the hell you want from me here!" John ran a hand through his hair and hissed out a breath. He needed not to be saying the things he was saying to the woman who was his commanding officer, but the floodgates were being pried open during the fight and John honestly had no idea how to close them again.
Elizabeth looked at him like she was seeing him for the first time. John wasn't entirely sure he liked how she was judging him.
"What do I want, John?" Her voice was quiet now; nothing like it had been for most of the time since she had ordered him onto the balcony for a private discussion. "Apparently, I don't want enough."
The words of a similar conversation just yesterday ran through John's head.
"What do you want from me?"
"Too much, I fear."
Teyla had wanted more than John could give--though he still didn't know the full meaning behind her words--and now Elizabeth said she didn't want enough. John had no idea how to respond to that, and so he just stood back and listened.
"I've given you more freedom during this expedition than I expected to. I've let you run the military contingent largely the way you best saw fit. I've consulted with you and taken your advice, but I've also butted heads with you more than once." Elizabeth was leaning against the railing now, one arm supporting her weight as she turned her body towards John. "I had hoped that after all that we were working with the same level of dedication and that we had the same goals for this expedition in mind. But now I wonder if I haven't been asking you for enough."
John looked at her helplessly. "I don't know what you're asking of me right now."
"From the first moment I was told we had a 'go' for this expedition, I've been working under the assumption that while we might be able to get home, it was a remote chance at best."
"So what does this--?"
Elizabeth held up her hand to stop his words. "That being said," she continued, "I've also known that out here, we were representing the best and brightest Earth has to offer. After everything we've seen and done, after saving the Athosians and the children of M7G-677, after facing the Genii, you still haven't figured it out?"
He knew she wanted him to answer, to say something to let her know that John understood. But he didn't. He had been fighting the battles he could win, and until yesterday he had honestly believed they stood a chance in hell at surviving the coming attack. John schooled his expression and asked Elizabeth, "Why don't you explain it to me?" It was the wrong thing to say and he knew it, but John was beyond caring at that point. He had witnessed a horror he wasn't sure he would ever be able to properly describe and now someone he had thought understood his motivations was questioning him.
"We've never believed we could save this galaxy from the Wraith, but how many times have we walked straight into the fire hoping to make a difference anyway? Who would have thought that we'd retake Atlantis from the Genii? You did everything in your power to keep the city from falling into their hands even though you knew that it might ultimately cost us the city itself. It was a losing battle, Major. Why did you fight it?"
Elizabeth looked at him intently, knowing the answer already and not needing John to clarify anything. He remained silent as she continued to speak, watching her and trying not to let the frustration he felt show on his face.
"If I had to characterize the people of Earth in only one way, I'd tell the universe that we don't live to be alive, we're alive so that we can live. It's not about winning, John; it's about what's at stake." She was pleading with him now, her voice taking on a tone of quiet desperation. She needed him to understand this and to agree with her, or else there really was no hope for Atlantis.
"What's the point of living if we're only going to breathe and wait to die?" she asked him. "Every single person who's died since we arrived here has gone out fighting, giving all they could until the very last moment so that the rest of us could pick up where they left off. That's what we're capable of, John. We can fight, even if we don't make it through alive. That's what I need from you, that attitude. I need you to be living and breathing that so that we can let the rest of our people know that it's okay for them to do so as well. If they see you giving up," Elizabeth sighed and turned away, waving her hand in defeat. "If they see that, then they're just going to sit and wait for the Wraith to come. I need you to be giving that, and I thought that you were. I'm sorry that I was wrong."
John didn't say anything--couldn't say anything. He didn't know how to respond to what she had just laid before him. He had never planned on being the military leader, and the things Elizabeth said were the things a leader said to their troops. John could admit to himself that he had never fully embraced his role as ranking military officer, as though denying it on even an inner level would alleviate some of his responsibilities. To do what she was asking of him now, to ask his people to fight to an end they knew was coming was not something he felt ready to do. Not yet.
John knew he shouldn't say anything, that he would only make the situation worse if he spoke before working out everything in his own mind. He would find Dr. Weir later and explain everything; she deserved that much from him. But right now the only option John could handle was to retreat. He needed time to think over what she had said and discover whether he felt that he could indeed measure up to everything she was asking. He just wasn't ready to do that yet.
"Permission to leave, Dr. Weir?"
Elizabeth sighed and lowered her head. She felt she had not gotten through to him. But there was nothing more that could be done now. "Granted, Major Sheppard."
She turned at watched as John waked back to the doors and entered the city. She was alone on the balcony now, and Elizabeth wondered if she hadn't really been alone all along.
~*~*~*~*~*~
When Teyla found her, Elizabeth was still standing on the balcony outside the main command area, resting against the railing as she stared out across the ocean.
"Dr. Weir?"
Teyla approached cautiously, remaining near the doorway as she waited for a response.
Elizabeth did not move from the railing but merely turned her head, her face unreadable. "Yes, Teyla?"
Teyla paused, unsure of how to proceed. She had not come out here with a planned speech in her mind; she suspected the other woman would not respond kindly to rote advice. It was a sense of duty that had taken her to seek out the Atlantis leader, but as she looked at Elizabeth, Teyla saw reflected in her eyes something with which she was quite familiar.
A wall.
The burden of leadership was something that Teyla knew well. To have so many lives dependent on you for guidance, for survival, was often heavier than one was prepared for. As much as Teyla respected Elizabeth, she had often wondered what sort of experience she had had before coming to Atlantis. Teyla could see Elizabeth's normally clear eyes held deeper pain than she was willing to admit by the very act of keeping that pain tightly locked away.
She knew the argument between Elizabeth and John had been a tense one, each desperately trying to keep a rein on what they were truly thinking at the time. The briefing had not been easy on any of them, but Teyla had seen then the strain in the other woman's body and face. She did not know what happened after Elizabeth had dismissed all of them save John, but judging from the woman's posture now and John's expression as she had passed him in the hall, Teyla did not believe their conversation had gone smoothly.
Teyla did not speak right away. She nodded her head slightly towards the empty space next to Elizabeth but didn't wait for her to accept Teyla's presence on the balcony before moving to stand at her side.
"I saw Major Sheppard before," Teyla began, eyes firmly locked on the horizon. "He did not seem pleased."
"Major Sheppard and I had a disagreement, nothing more.'" Elizabeth's words were cool and gave nothing away. "I wouldn't worry about him, Teyla."
"On the contrary," Teyla replied, turning to look at Elizabeth. "I am concerned for your well-being, Dr. Weir."
Elizabeth did not move, but Teyla could see her eyes widen slightly. It was over in a moment, and if Teyla had not been looking for signs that Elizabeth was not as fine as she always claimed, she would not have seen it.
"There's no reason for you to be concerned, Teyla. I'm as well as can be expected under the circumstances."
Teyla continued studying Elizabeth in the silence, a gentle expression on her face. After a few moments, she spoke again.
"I do understand why you are so upset, Dr. Weir," Teyla began. "This is not how I had anticipated things would go, either."
Elizabeth remained silent but turned her attention away from the water and towards the Athosian who had somehow become a part of their team. When she did not protest the intrusion into her affairs, Teyla continued.
"The people of this galaxy have always lived in fear of the Wraith. I had never met anyone who had not suffered from the cullings," she smiled slightly, "Until I met you and your people."
"I don't think we could have ever anticipated just how bad a situation we were walking into," Dr. Weir acknowledged, finally speaking. She left the second part of her thought unsaid, but Teyla could see in her eyes what it was.
"You cannot blame yourself for awakening the Wraith, Dr. Weir."
"I gave the original order for Major Sheppard to infiltrate the Hive ship, Teyla. The Wraith are awake now because of my decision. They're on their way to Atlantis because of that." Dr. Weir lowered her eyes as she thought over the consequences of her decision. Teyla wondered if she regretted the choice or its consequences.
"I was on that ship, Dr. Weir. Never before had I seen people who did not fear the Wraith. The leader you lost, Colonel Sumner?" Teyla made sure she had the name correctly; no one talked much about him after that horrible day. "He stared the Wraith in the eyes, and he showed great courage and strength. That as much as coming to Atlantis brought my people hope." She paused and looked at Elizabeth rather pointedly. "We cannot regret what has come to pass, we can only learn from it and face what is to come with knowledge and hope."
Elizabeth lowered her eyes and nodded. "Powerful words," she murmured. "It seems a sentiment that is much harder to act upon than to speak."
Teyla nodded. "Perhaps. But it does not change the facts of our situation. We are here now, and we cannot change the past."
"Apparently, even that's not an absolute."
Teyla sensed this might lead somewhere productive. "You have not been yourself since we encountered your alternate self."
The two women lapsed into silence, a rare commodity since learning of the Wraith's approach. If it wasn't teams going through the Stargate in the hopes of finding some means of defense it was teams returning and debriefing, or scientists hurrying throughout the city tossing ideas and theories back and forth, or soldiers engaging in combat practice to prepare for any ground assault. Atlantis had been noisier in the last few weeks than in all the months previous.
"She watched it happen," Elizabeth finally said. "She...I...she lived through Atlantis collapsing only to survive to see it fall the the Wraith the first time around." Elizabeth breathed in and exhaled. "It seems that my lot in life is to watch Atlantis die."
Teyla was taken aback. "Surely you do not believe that," she asked, shocked. "If you allow yourself to give in to that way of thinking, then we are all lost."
It surprised Teyla, then, when Elizabeth dropped her head and gave a bitter, deep-throated laugh. "Would you believe," she raised her eyes to look at Teyla, "that I just told Major Sheppard that exact same thing?"
"You should follow your own advice, then," Teyla smiled gently. She was acutely aware at that moment how much the being a leader weighed on Elizabeth's spirit. She had seen the older woman stand strong in the face of impossible odds--not to mention Major Sheppard and Dr. McKay, two of the most stubborn men Teyla had ever met in her life--and tackles every challenge thrown at her with a dignity and grace that only a true leader could possess. Teyla suspected that Elizabeth didn't hear such commendations from her people enough.
"You have the soul of a warrior, Dr. Weir," Teyla continued. "You may fight with different tools than myself or Major Sheppard or Dr. McKay, but your presence in Atlantis has soothed many frightened souls." Teyla turned to face Elizabeth. "You are still here, and you are still fighting. That alone is a testament to your strength."
Elizabeth listened to the words of the younger woman, perhaps the only other person in Atlantis who understood what it was to be the leader of a people who had lost their home. It was months later, and Elizabeth still wondered if it was worse to be driven from your homeland or to willingly turn your back on it. At least with the former there could be no sense of regret for choices made.
"I'm not sure what good that's doing us now," Elizabeth said.
Teyla merely shook her head. "Now more than ever is when we must cling to those things which make us different from the Wraith. If we compromise our integrity, then we really are merely the animals the Wraith see us as. It is the strength of our convictions that gives us the fierce desire to stand against the Wraith, regardless of how desperate the situation is." Teyla looked pointedly at Elizabeth. "It is something I saw in your people from the beginning."
Elizabeth did not look convinced of the argument, but Teyla recognized the determined mask that slipped over the other woman's face. It was a look she had come to associate with the Earth phrase "game face," and it was only then that Teyla fully comprehended what sentiment was meant by it. Teyla thought no one else was better to lead the resistance against the Wraith.
"There is an old expression among the people of Athos." Teyla was struck for a moment by how resolute Elizabeth now appeared. "'Animat populim.' It means 'soul of the people.' I believe, Dr. Weir, that you represent the truest intentions of your people, perhaps better than you will ever realize."
Teyla watched Elizabeth mull over what she had just said, and found she could see the moment the words finally sank into the other woman's spirit. Elizabeth's face reflected a calmness and strength that Teyla had always suspected the Earth woman was capable of, but until that moment she was unsure of whether or not her gamble would be justified. Teyla had led her people to the City of the Ancestors because of Major Sheppard's leadership, but she often wondered if she had stayed because of Elizabeth's. Teyla felt certain, now, that she had made the right decision.
"Alright then, Teyla." Elizabeth looked at the Athosian woman with fire in her eyes. "Let's try and save Atlantis."
"It is, as you said, easier to say than to do." Teyla needed to give just this one last push.
"Maybe," Elizabeth conceded. Her eyes, however, revealed no such weakness. "But if we go, we're going to put up one hell of a fight."
Elizabeth nodded to Teyla and turned to head back inside the city. Teyla remained on the balcony a moment longer, smiling to herself as she watched the retreating form of the Atlantis leader. Teyla felt, deep in her stomach, that Elizabeth would walk through fire and back in order to save her people. For the first time, Teyla felt they truly stood a chance.
It was a good feeling.
*The End*