Ver is ze money Lebowski?
As of late I appear to be having a sort of existential dilemma. Not the kind where I externally debate the meaning of existence, but rather a more internal struggle to find meaning and direction in my life. Now, I'm not a big fan of these kinds of posts as you might have gathered from my lack of any personal entries over the recent months, but I figured in this case I could spit out everything I need to any maybe someone out there can help me, because I'm sick of feeling this way.
So here's the problem: I just don't feel like doing things anymore. Originally that feeling was only about school, which I interpreted as perfectly normal given graduation's fast approach on the horizon. However more recently it has extended to nearly all walks of my life. Even right now as I'm writing this I'm ignoring the lack of food in my apartment, the mountain of dirty clothes on the floor, and the piling dishes in my sink, not to mention schoolwork, music, and any number of other things I should probably be doing instead of sitting at my computer with my head in my hands feeling upset over seemingly nothing. I can't tell if this is a depression brought on by various events in my life lately, or something far deeper. I'm hoping the former, but I've had those types of depression before and it feels worse this time, much worse than it should feel given the actual events. I feel as though I've inexplicably lost a part of me, but I can't even explain what that is. And what's worse is that I don't feel particularly obliged to find it.
Don't worry, I've not gone crazy bleak or nihilistic on you or anything. I still believe there is meaning in my life, and that I am headed down the path set out for me. It just seems like something is wrong. No longer do I really look forward to anything, I just kind of passively glide from moment to moment without really caring about what's happening around me.
Ultimately I'm not sure how to break out of this, or whether it will just take some time and I'll be back to normal. Realistically I probably won't be able to know until after classes are done, because as it stands school is the biggest thorn in my side since it represents everything that I have to do despite my complete and utter disinterest. One graduation rolls around I might find that I have a better sense of self and feel reenergized in time for my military training this summer (I guess the one thing I am looking forward to, so that's hopeful!). I suppose time will be the final judge on this one. But if I still feel this way a few months from now I will have to admit that it's a serious problem that I cannot solve alone, something the confident independent me hates to have to admit.
So that's it I guess. If anyone has any suggestions for how to deal with this now other than just gutting it out I'd love to hear them. Apologies for the annoying reflective entry instead of my usual random thoughts or pictures or something. I'll try to make up for it just as soon as I can find the effort. Ha.
So here's the problem: I just don't feel like doing things anymore. Originally that feeling was only about school, which I interpreted as perfectly normal given graduation's fast approach on the horizon. However more recently it has extended to nearly all walks of my life. Even right now as I'm writing this I'm ignoring the lack of food in my apartment, the mountain of dirty clothes on the floor, and the piling dishes in my sink, not to mention schoolwork, music, and any number of other things I should probably be doing instead of sitting at my computer with my head in my hands feeling upset over seemingly nothing. I can't tell if this is a depression brought on by various events in my life lately, or something far deeper. I'm hoping the former, but I've had those types of depression before and it feels worse this time, much worse than it should feel given the actual events. I feel as though I've inexplicably lost a part of me, but I can't even explain what that is. And what's worse is that I don't feel particularly obliged to find it.
Don't worry, I've not gone crazy bleak or nihilistic on you or anything. I still believe there is meaning in my life, and that I am headed down the path set out for me. It just seems like something is wrong. No longer do I really look forward to anything, I just kind of passively glide from moment to moment without really caring about what's happening around me.
Ultimately I'm not sure how to break out of this, or whether it will just take some time and I'll be back to normal. Realistically I probably won't be able to know until after classes are done, because as it stands school is the biggest thorn in my side since it represents everything that I have to do despite my complete and utter disinterest. One graduation rolls around I might find that I have a better sense of self and feel reenergized in time for my military training this summer (I guess the one thing I am looking forward to, so that's hopeful!). I suppose time will be the final judge on this one. But if I still feel this way a few months from now I will have to admit that it's a serious problem that I cannot solve alone, something the confident independent me hates to have to admit.
So that's it I guess. If anyone has any suggestions for how to deal with this now other than just gutting it out I'd love to hear them. Apologies for the annoying reflective entry instead of my usual random thoughts or pictures or something. I'll try to make up for it just as soon as I can find the effort. Ha.