(no subject)
Sort of an update about the current state of self and end of year ruminations...
1. Mood today: a little apprehensive, a little excited...I'll actually have a short winter vacation this year. I am actually getting away!
2. State of the mind: I am getting almost close to a level 4 state of mind, which means my negative self talk isn't as pervasive and instant , and that I am able to take criticism a little easier. Recently I've had a couple of situations where much earlier in the year, I would have freaked out about. But I sincerely wish I could go back in time, around 2003 or so, and somehow convince my back-then self to stop the negative self talk. It becomes a real deep trap...the way out is mucky, muddy, foggy, and full of hidden pitfalls.
3. Body? Well, I'd say I am in a fair state of health. Not good but certainly not bad.
I've lost 3 sizes in the past 18 months. I've not been the weight I am since around 1990ish, when I was around 33 years old.
4. Food wise...well, I had a while where I was skipping meals , again. Now I am trying not to go too deep into sugarland, and trying to eat 3 meals a day. I am concentrating on nutrient dense foods.
I was getting slightly afraid of eating too much, and mostly, spending too much on food, as if I felt--and yes, part of me feels this way-- I was not worth me eating well.
Grocery access bothers me, but I am gaining balance, I can feel it.
5. I am exploring being more assertive in my wording- in writing and speech , although sometimes I backslide and forget to be more forthright. It is hard to be "plain me" and not say sorry for every little thing, and couch everything as if I am "in trouble" or lower than the person I am speaking to. Plain speaking is hard work. But it is going hand in hand with me giving as little credence to my negative self talk as possible. I dislike any sort of confrontation and shrink from it, so even the mildest of not dissembling is a moderate triumph.
6. I have an oddball guardian angel, or my old friend SR is looking out for me. I had a heavy vase on the fridge, that I forgot about, and that unbeknownst to me was slowly, via the vibration of the fridge, moving towards crashing down in the kitchen.
This happened a few days ago.
I opened the fridge,and this vase goes flying, to the kitchen floor. If it had been a different trajectory, I would have been beamed. Knocked out. Maybe dead. Whew. It even gouged the linoleum. It was kind of amazing that something blocked it from going straight forward ( a blender bottom, actually...) and it flew to the side.
I moved everything from the top of that fridge.
7. My apartment is officially an 8 on the cluttered/messy etc scale. The worst it's been and so it will take quite an effort to revamp this sad state of affairs.
8. Workwise? long hours. That's all I'll say.
I am still fighting like feeling like a failure for working where I am...but it pays the rent, and I like to be working and earning money.
Well, that's about as personal as I feel like getting.
Oh and I really really like my layout !! Thanks milou_veronica --I highly recommend her.
And it is soooo cold tonight!
1. Mood today: a little apprehensive, a little excited...I'll actually have a short winter vacation this year. I am actually getting away!
2. State of the mind: I am getting almost close to a level 4 state of mind, which means my negative self talk isn't as pervasive and instant , and that I am able to take criticism a little easier. Recently I've had a couple of situations where much earlier in the year, I would have freaked out about. But I sincerely wish I could go back in time, around 2003 or so, and somehow convince my back-then self to stop the negative self talk. It becomes a real deep trap...the way out is mucky, muddy, foggy, and full of hidden pitfalls.
3. Body? Well, I'd say I am in a fair state of health. Not good but certainly not bad.
I've lost 3 sizes in the past 18 months. I've not been the weight I am since around 1990ish, when I was around 33 years old.
4. Food wise...well, I had a while where I was skipping meals , again. Now I am trying not to go too deep into sugarland, and trying to eat 3 meals a day. I am concentrating on nutrient dense foods.
I was getting slightly afraid of eating too much, and mostly, spending too much on food, as if I felt--and yes, part of me feels this way-- I was not worth me eating well.
Grocery access bothers me, but I am gaining balance, I can feel it.
5. I am exploring being more assertive in my wording- in writing and speech , although sometimes I backslide and forget to be more forthright. It is hard to be "plain me" and not say sorry for every little thing, and couch everything as if I am "in trouble" or lower than the person I am speaking to. Plain speaking is hard work. But it is going hand in hand with me giving as little credence to my negative self talk as possible. I dislike any sort of confrontation and shrink from it, so even the mildest of not dissembling is a moderate triumph.
6. I have an oddball guardian angel, or my old friend SR is looking out for me. I had a heavy vase on the fridge, that I forgot about, and that unbeknownst to me was slowly, via the vibration of the fridge, moving towards crashing down in the kitchen.
This happened a few days ago.
I opened the fridge,and this vase goes flying, to the kitchen floor. If it had been a different trajectory, I would have been beamed. Knocked out. Maybe dead. Whew. It even gouged the linoleum. It was kind of amazing that something blocked it from going straight forward ( a blender bottom, actually...) and it flew to the side.
I moved everything from the top of that fridge.
7. My apartment is officially an 8 on the cluttered/messy etc scale. The worst it's been and so it will take quite an effort to revamp this sad state of affairs.
8. Workwise? long hours. That's all I'll say.
I am still fighting like feeling like a failure for working where I am...but it pays the rent, and I like to be working and earning money.
Well, that's about as personal as I feel like getting.
Oh and I really really like my layout !! Thanks milou_veronica --I highly recommend her.
And it is soooo cold tonight!