Now is every day.

[normalman123]

Well I'm certainly glad the live journal aristocrats have decided to take mercy on me and my miserably attended account, because this is pretty much the only thing that might make me feel better right now. I'm in one of those moods where you just want to smoke a cigarette. But you just had two, and you don't even have any of your own. I'll get desperate enough soon here to walk over to the assorted "smoke pits" and bum an apparatus. I was in a great mood going into tonight, and I arrived at my dorm feeling pretty upbeat. But it's this ani difranco shit that's bringin me down. It reminds me of all the good friends far away, and it even makes me feel bad for being lazy--like i've got this obligation to live my life better than I've been doing it. It makes me look at my current life and feel sad for myself. Makes me feel like a fool for being hopeful with my social endeavours. This music twangs with a longing for the life I've left behind. Have I forgotten how to make my life my own? Who's life am I living? Then again I'm all here and I am what I am. It's just one of those crisis moments in which you realize your life isn't going as you'd imagined. Even heroes made mistakes. This feeling creeps up on me, and I was trying to put my finger on it the other night. It really puts me into place tho. I feel as if I've been ridicule by my memories. They're saying to me, "Goddamn you Ian. Remember where the fuck you came from and where the fuck you're going. Remember who the fuck you are." My memories don't like being ignored, and in general I don't like to ignore them and take a general interest in my memories. But night before last I left my memories out of the whole equation, and tonight they put me in my place. It's as if this memory and this trigger and the fateful evens that led to this trigger are all part of my inner essence. And this triggered reaction seems almost like a survival instinct or a natural restoration of order. Like anything in life that comes in great numbers, there is a standard deviation from the norm and an average of characteristics. There are extremes to every option. Everyone has a path. My path involves a million billions of things that make me who I am and make everyone else who they are. Some of those things are out of character and will stray from the path a little, but as long as you get back to the path you'll stay on it. You can find other paths, but straying only hurts if you find yourself on a bad path. Strictly by my own visual mind-creation I imagine a soul or spirit or aura that's sort of operating everything making everything happen through a billion indirect and sometimes direct ways. This energy is in everything and flows through all things. This energy can also be concentrated or amplified. The energy is kind of like a computer in that it is causing and calculating an almost infinite number of interactions and experiences for all things inanimate or animate. A slight jog of the memory is only the complex series of seemingly insignificant events that revives some passed experience. These seemingly insignificant events, these "small things" started a revelation and changed the course of a life. These events, as I imagine them, are the butt of something much greater here. Something that will most likely take my life's dedication and determination.

I feel better. I'm gonna go have cigarettte.

Love,
ian