I watched him carefully as he told me yet another pointless story about his vampire whores. Darla and Dru, I was gettin' so fucking sick of hearin' about them. Not that I'd tell him that. Ever. Sick fuck probably got off on that bitch burnin' the soles of his feet every night too. Not that it mattered, he'd been a vampire then. He'd heal a lot quicker than my annoying weak human healing. God, I hated it so much. Wanted to tear all of my skin off until nothin' existed but me without him. Couldn't remember what things were like before him. Before the trunk.
After his little song and dance he picked me up and carried me to the bed before stuffing some pillows under my feet and puttin' the remote next to me. This was the scariest part, and the part I liked best. When he was nice to me. Scary cause I had no fucking clue when he'd snap again and it always seemed to come from out of nowhere when he did.
I let out a deep breath I'd been holdin' when he told me I was down for hte night. Thank fucking God. Didn't think I could take anymore of it. Knew I couldn't.
"Am kinda hungry." I finally admitted, lookin' up at him tentatively as my fingers closed around the remote. The thought of food still made my stomach turn, but the thought of pissin' him off again was more terrifying. So I'd say anything, do anything. No more fight left, at least not right now.
So many things I wanted to do to her, but I had to hold myself back. She was close to the edge, and if I pushed too hard, I'd fail in what I was trying to accomplish. He always failed and I didn't want to be like him. I hated him, what he'd done to us. Tainted by that fucking soul, thinking he could hide who he really was. He was me, but he couldn't see it.
I walked to the kitchen, trying to calm my mind down. I needed to hurt something, smash things to bits, cut something open and watch as the life slowly drained from its eyes. I'd have to take this agression out on something soon before I turned on her again. If that happened, walking would be the least of her problems.
Didn't know what she'd want to eat, so I decided that as long as she was behaving for the moment, she could get a treat. Got out some chocolate ice cream from the freezer and filled a bowl. Made myself a sandwich and ate it before I went back to the room.
Sat down on the bed next to her, handing Faith the bowl. She stared at it for so long that I thought I could hear the damn thing start to melt. "What? It's ice cream, eat it." She flinched and I bit my lip. I mumbled something that made her give me a look.
"I need you to do something for me." I stretched myself out on the bed next to her, lying my head down on the pillow. "Touch me." She choked on her ice cream. "Not like that. Like you did that night in the hotel, with my hair. I want you to do it again, help keep me grounded before I lose it."
I could already feel it building back up. "I can't stop myself, but maybe you can help. Don't want to hurt you more tonight, but if I don't stay distracted..." I really didn't need to finish that. Looked over at her and waited.
Choked on my ice cream when he told me to touch him. Touch him? Was this one of those 'give me head or I'll throw you in the trunk deals'? Honestly I thought he'd get it by now that I wasn't just gonna do that without biting it off. Course, things had changed in seven days. I wasn't sure I could keep tryin' to provoke him. He'd kill me eventually and maybe I just wanted to push him closer to it. Cause if he killed me, at least it'd be over. But on the other hand I really didn't wanna die. Was holdin' onto what I had left so fucking tightly. There wasn't much, but it still existed.
The choices were simple. Do what he asked or bear the brunt of his anger again. It wasn't a hard choice. God I didn't wanna end up in the trunk again or that little box downstairs. Didn't want his hands around my throat squeezing the air out of me again.
Putting the ice cream bowl down on the night stand I turned over on my stomach and laid my head against his chest. My arm wrapped around his waist and I snuggled in close to him. Wasn't a snuggler but I would make the exception this time. I felt dangerously close to crying again as I held onto him.
"I'm sorry." I muttered. "I'll be good. Don't put me in there again, don't lock me up. I'll be so good." I promised him numbly as I desperately held onto him. Wasn't sure if this was what he wanted, but if it didn't work I'd try something else. Try and try and try and it wouldn't matter because the end result was always the same. Small, dark, enclosed spaces. I hated them so much, ever since my mom locked me in my closet that first time.
Hadn't expected her to wrap around me like this, but it felt very fucking nice. I brought my arm around to her back very slowly, moving my fingers as gently as I could in small circles. Knew her back was one big mess of bruises and wounds, so I had to be careful.
I bet if I put her in that little box for more than a couple of hours Faith would shatter completely. Someone had locked her up a very long time ago for the fear to be this deep. "Not going to lock you up tonight. You're safe." That was a laugh. Safe. With me. Managed to keep myself from giggling because I know she'd get all tense again.
Closing my eyes, I let my body start to relax, trying to squash down all the rage that never seemed to stop. Maybe I should sleep in the other room tonight, just in case. If I couldn't stop myself, she would end up bleeding before dawn.
"I'm going to give you a choice, Faithy. You can sleep alone tonight, or I can stay right where I am." It wasn't like she could run away, not tonight. And I highly doubted that she would try to kill me in my sleep. I'd wake up and then she'd be in that box before she could even blink.
His fingers traced gentle patters on the skin of my back and I clung to him more tightly. Whatever I was doin? It seemed to be workin' cause he felt all relaxed pressed up underneath me. Usually he was tense with anger, like a hurricane surrounding me all the time. Now he was nice, and this was the best and the worst time. I couldn't make up my mind, but I clung desperately to it and to him.
Letting a shaky breath out again I listened to him give me my choice. Choices. He was always givin' 'em to me and I was virtually always makin' the wrong one. Over and over again until I wondered if there even was a right one. No matter what I chose it always ended with more screaming. Held onto him more tightly silently begging him not to get angry with me again.
"I want you to stay." I finally said, and I wasn't sure if I meant it or not. In some ways I did, in the way where if he left I'd be all alone again. No one but myself, and I started lookin' forward to him after all that alone time. Especially when he was nice like this, because I could just pretend he was Angel. My wicked Angel who loved me best because he killed all the other girls. He didn't take them home and twist them into knots.
"Just stay here. I'll be good." I promised again, afraid I wash holding him tightly when what he needed was tenderness. I'd never been very good with tenderness. I was more a wham, bam thank you m'am kinda girl. He was showin' me though, I wasn't what I used to be. But I could be strong again. He would teach me.
After his little song and dance he picked me up and carried me to the bed before stuffing some pillows under my feet and puttin' the remote next to me. This was the scariest part, and the part I liked best. When he was nice to me. Scary cause I had no fucking clue when he'd snap again and it always seemed to come from out of nowhere when he did.
I let out a deep breath I'd been holdin' when he told me I was down for hte night. Thank fucking God. Didn't think I could take anymore of it. Knew I couldn't.
"Am kinda hungry." I finally admitted, lookin' up at him tentatively as my fingers closed around the remote. The thought of food still made my stomach turn, but the thought of pissin' him off again was more terrifying. So I'd say anything, do anything. No more fight left, at least not right now.
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I walked to the kitchen, trying to calm my mind down. I needed to hurt something, smash things to bits, cut something open and watch as the life slowly drained from its eyes. I'd have to take this agression out on something soon before I turned on her again. If that happened, walking would be the least of her problems.
Didn't know what she'd want to eat, so I decided that as long as she was behaving for the moment, she could get a treat. Got out some chocolate ice cream from the freezer and filled a bowl. Made myself a sandwich and ate it before I went back to the room.
Sat down on the bed next to her, handing Faith the bowl. She stared at it for so long that I thought I could hear the damn thing start to melt. "What? It's ice cream, eat it." She flinched and I bit my lip. I mumbled something that made her give me a look.
"I need you to do something for me." I stretched myself out on the bed next to her, lying my head down on the pillow. "Touch me." She choked on her ice cream. "Not like that. Like you did that night in the hotel, with my hair. I want you to do it again, help keep me grounded before I lose it."
I could already feel it building back up. "I can't stop myself, but maybe you can help. Don't want to hurt you more tonight, but if I don't stay distracted..." I really didn't need to finish that. Looked over at her and waited.
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The choices were simple. Do what he asked or bear the brunt of his anger again. It wasn't a hard choice. God I didn't wanna end up in the trunk again or that little box downstairs. Didn't want his hands around my throat squeezing the air out of me again.
Putting the ice cream bowl down on the night stand I turned over on my stomach and laid my head against his chest. My arm wrapped around his waist and I snuggled in close to him. Wasn't a snuggler but I would make the exception this time. I felt dangerously close to crying again as I held onto him.
"I'm sorry." I muttered. "I'll be good. Don't put me in there again, don't lock me up. I'll be so good." I promised him numbly as I desperately held onto him. Wasn't sure if this was what he wanted, but if it didn't work I'd try something else. Try and try and try and it wouldn't matter because the end result was always the same. Small, dark, enclosed spaces. I hated them so much, ever since my mom locked me in my closet that first time.
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I bet if I put her in that little box for more than a couple of hours Faith would shatter completely. Someone had locked her up a very long time ago for the fear to be this deep. "Not going to lock you up tonight. You're safe." That was a laugh. Safe. With me. Managed to keep myself from giggling because I know she'd get all tense again.
Closing my eyes, I let my body start to relax, trying to squash down all the rage that never seemed to stop. Maybe I should sleep in the other room tonight, just in case. If I couldn't stop myself, she would end up bleeding before dawn.
"I'm going to give you a choice, Faithy. You can sleep alone tonight, or I can stay right where I am." It wasn't like she could run away, not tonight. And I highly doubted that she would try to kill me in my sleep. I'd wake up and then she'd be in that box before she could even blink.
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Letting a shaky breath out again I listened to him give me my choice. Choices. He was always givin' 'em to me and I was virtually always makin' the wrong one. Over and over again until I wondered if there even was a right one. No matter what I chose it always ended with more screaming. Held onto him more tightly silently begging him not to get angry with me again.
"I want you to stay." I finally said, and I wasn't sure if I meant it or not. In some ways I did, in the way where if he left I'd be all alone again. No one but myself, and I started lookin' forward to him after all that alone time. Especially when he was nice like this, because I could just pretend he was Angel. My wicked Angel who loved me best because he killed all the other girls. He didn't take them home and twist them into knots.
"Just stay here. I'll be good." I promised again, afraid I wash holding him tightly when what he needed was tenderness. I'd never been very good with tenderness. I was more a wham, bam thank you m'am kinda girl. He was showin' me though, I wasn't what I used to be. But I could be strong again. He would teach me.
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