I raised my gaze up slowly to meet his as his fingers rubbed over mine, working the feeling back into them. He really was a fucking psychotic, his hands gently bringing the feeling back into my fingers after he just almost killed me. This was it, I was fucked. No escaping, no nothin'. The world was lookin' pretty bleak, between losin' my slayer powers, bein' a wanted fugitive, and bein' trapped in a motel room with a psychopath that happened to look identical to my best friend.
Watching him carefully as he said he was gonna make it all better, I almost sighed in relief as he brought out more of that whatever it was. Made me feel like flyin'. It hadn't escaped my keen notice that he hadn't killed me. If he was gonna, I'd already be dead or really fucking close to it. Or maybe I was just stupid for thinkin' that. But he busted me out of prison cause he wanted someone to play with. Thought he could wake up that sleeping psycho livin' in my skin. He probably could. But I wasn't gonna let him.
Takin' a deep drag, my attention shifted towards the television. Looney Tunes or something was on. Hell if I could even remember anymore. I was anxious to get rid of this oppressive feeling weighing down over my chest. Quickly I took another puff on my smoke, feeling the laced smoke traveling down into my lungs.
Closing my eyes again my eyelids felt so heavy but it wasn't because my head hurt this time. Everytime I closed them and opened them again my vision swam. Like thoughts just floating right through my head. Slowly I began to relax, still sitting on the edge of the bed as I watched the television.
"What's in these, anyway?" I asked him curiously, turning around to glance at him.
She had that look in her eyes again. Like her body and her mind were in a couple of different places at once. I loved this stuff. Had to get a shitload more of it. Everything seemed to be so much better with it in my system and in hers. Took a drag, holding the smoke in for as long as I could and then making a couple of rings as I blew it out.
"Magic pixie dust." I giggled a few times. "PCP, weed, maybe a few other little things. Oh, and the blood of the guy I took them from. I think they soaked up some of his life as it bleed out of the hole in his body. He screamed so pretty for so long. It was like music I could feel."
I finished what I had before moving across the bed. Putting my legs on either side of her body, I reached out and set my hands on her shoulders. Let my fingers slowly work the muscles there, moving in very slow circles. "Going to make you feel good." Make up for almost killing her earlier.
They finished with the muscles there and moved towards her neck. She tensed up and I leaned in, kissing her cheek softly. "Not going to hurt you right now Faithy, just relax, let the drugs kick in for a while. Not going to ruin the buzz this time. I promise." Rubbed the sore flesh, making sure not to press too hard against the bruises. She moaned a little and I continued what I was doing, ignoring how tight my shorts had become.
"You have to stop pissing me off. I get fucking mad that I need to hurt things." Leaning in, I kissed my way across her jaw to her lips and brushed mine against hers. "Don't make me have to punish you like that again, your body doesn't heal as fast as it used to." Another kiss. "Don't want to break you yet, that comes later."
PCP? Shit. Did he know what this stuff did to your regular run of the mill human beings? Did it a few times way back in the day, and it had a tendency to make you fly high as a kite. That was the good part. Also had the tendency to make people violentally psychotic when they came crashing back to Earth. Not exactly the kinda drug he should be doin', but at least it dulled the edges. Made them softer, stopped me from caring.
Swallowing I tensed up as his hands started massaging into my shoulders, sinking me further into simulated comfort. Then his hands reached for my throat and I instantly pulled back but he was insistant and gentle and after a minute it felt okay. Felt better than okay, all of my senses were on fire. His lips brushing against my jaw, my mouth made me crazy like a cat in heat or something. But this was wrong. Wrong and right, because everything felt so right. Felt like I do anything, I could stab him in the thigh again, my eyes automatically drifted down to where I'd hurt him. Half of me wanted to squeeze it again until he screamed and the other half of me wanted to kiss it all better. I wasn't sure which half to listen to so I didn't do anything.
Putting a hand on his chest, I let his heart thump. Almost like it was thumping so hard and so loud it might burst through his skin and out into my hand. When he held me in the rain he'd been so cold and now he was so damn warm. Like rainbows slipping between his lips. Black rainbows because there was nothing inside of him. Just a dull, empty hollow demon.
Keeping my hand on his chest I pushed him away from me and sullenly turned my attention back to the television for a second. Bright blurs and colors flashed across the screen. He would want to break something that bright. He wanted to split the world in two halves end to end. Just like mom.
"Why did you come for me?" I asked, turning my attention back to him. Tilting my chin up I ran my tongue over my bottom lip in thought for a second before pressing my lips into a thin line.
I felt really good right now. Even the pain in my leg seemed to have faded, though I swear at one point the wound was talking to me. It wanted revenge, but now wasn't the time. The only thing I would focus on right now was her. Then she spoiled what I was doing by pushing me away. I scowled at Faith for a second before sighing.
"Because I know what lurks inside of you that's just waiting to be free again. Faith, I know you." I reached out and let my fingers run through those soft stands of hair. "No one else would have come to get you. He'd be too busy trying to handle being human again. Bet he hasn't even figured out that he's missing half of himself yet. Always was slow on the uptake."
I moved my other hand in front of my face for a second, watching the pretty colors and giggling. "First saw you in Sunnydale. Knew what you would become even before you did." We can recognize others like ourselves. "He tried to help you, tried to stop it from happening and failed. He fails a lot. Bet he never talked about those either."
My head came down and rested against her shoulder. I could almost feel the darkness inside of her body, it wanted to be free, wanted to hurt, to kill, to make her strong again. All she had to do was give in to it and then the two of us would almost be unstoppable. "What you did to Wes, that was a thing of beauty. But the girl I saw in the alley wasn't one I knew. She was lost again, so torn between what she was and what she felt she needed to be."
I inhaled her scent, letting myself start to drift. Was talking too much, but it needed to be said. "You might not be like me, but you're closer than you think. I want you. Want you to be mine. Want to teach you how to really play the game, teach you how to live without worry and fear of what others will think about what you've done. I want you to be free, Faithy. You've trapped yourself in being something you aren't. Let yourself be free."
He caught my attention again when his fingers started to thread through my hair. I was waiting for the explosion, to end up back in the trunk again and was surprised when it never came. Instead he was all gentle, and soothing. Telling me what he knew I was, that we were kindred, the same. He could see inside my black soul and he wanted to break a piece off for himself. Poor boy, didn't have one for himself.
Instinctively my hand reached up and I ran my fingers through his hair. Comfort as he laid his head on my shoulder. I didn't understand why I suddenly wanted to comfort him, but I did. Because he was so empty inside, nothing but rage in there. He was lacking the conscience that always ended up kicking me in the ass when I thought I had figured out exactly who and what I was. Now I was lost again, just when I thought that I was found. Maybe I needed some comfort too.
He was wrong though, I had never figured out who I was. Even when I was cutting into Wesley with that knife, I had no idea. It wasn't until I was crying in the rain that I figured out what I wanted to be. Because it hurt so much, tore me up inside to realize what I had become. He didn't understand that. He didn't have a soul.
I almost laughed when he said he wanted me to be free. Freed me tied up in the trunk of his car. But then I started to think about it. The only time I had truely ever felt free was locked behind bars. When I was trapped with myself and there was nothing to distract me from that. Forced me to look at everything I had ever done, everything I had become and would be. That was freedom. A cruel sort of freedom, but it still existed.
The thing that stuck out in my mind the most was that he wanted me. Had busted me out to be with him. Nobody ever wanted me. I was just poor, sick, dirty, wrong Faith. The bad slayer. Except now I wasn't even a slayer at all. It wasn't fair because he was still strong, and I fell small and weak and slow. I could remember all the moves, but I was afraid to try them. Afraid they wouldn't do me any good at all without super strength and speed.
Thoughts and troubles began to slip away from me as euphoria set in. My mind was jumbled, waves and patterns swirling in the air before my eyes. Why did he laugh so much? I almost wanted to call him Chuckles, just like that clown I had watched on TV when I was a kid. Somehow, I didn't think he would appreciate that association.
"Hurt Wes because I didn't wanna be forgotten." I said idly, my fingers still soothing running through his hair as he laid his head on my shoulder. "Wanted him to remember me forever."
When her fingers touched my hair, my eyes opened. I know she doesn't like me, hell she probably hates me right now, but she's being nice. I didn't expect nice, but I wasn't going to ask her to stop. My eyes close again and I just listen to her speak for a moment. If I talk it might break this wonderful, calm feeling.
He never wanted to be touched, never let anyone in long enough to have it move past siimple skin on skin contact. Touching lead to touching of other kinds, and kissing and passion and *gasp* maybe even sex. And we all know what sex might lead to if he found someone who could give him perfect happiness. Then I'd come out to play. Can't have that. So no touching for him.
Me, I love being touched. Doesn't matter if it's pain or pleasure, or just someone's fingertips running through my hair. I'll take whatever I can get. If someone's touching you, then they know you exist. You're part of their world, even for a brief moment in time.
"It's the way you did it that he'll remember forever. Not just the scars you put on his flesh, but the ones you put into his mind and soul. I doubt he ever would have forgotten what happened in Sunnydale, but you carved it deep. Could hear him down the hall sometimes, late at night. Gasping, moaning, talking in his sleep. He won't ever forget you." No one could forget someone like her, I sure as hell didn't.
I sighed. "I'm so tired. Will you be here in the morning, or do I need to make sure you don't leave? Don't want to hurt you again tonight." But she's so pretty all covered with bruises and blood. That pale skin is a canvas just itching to be decorated with colors. When she heals up again, I want to play some of my favorite games, make that flesh all mine, but not tonight.
I frowned, wondering whether I should be pleased or disgusted with myself. My first instinct was disgust, because I had taught myself for so long that I should be disgusted with myself for what I had done to my former watcher. But there was that other part of me that used to think about it, still did think about it. About how much he deserved it, about how much fun it was to watch the fear flicker across his eyes when I had him tied to that chair. No. That was wrong, bad. Wrong. Bad. This was just another part of me that I always had to outsmart and run away from. Now he wanted to drag it out of me.
He pulled away from me slightly, my hand sliding to the side of his face and down to hsi jaw as he told me he was tired. Tired? How could he be tired right now when the world was whirring by in a speed of lights and colors? How could he even think about sleeping? Maybe he was right though, because the crash was going to hurt so wickedly if we didn't sleep it off. Not that I planned on sleeping, mostly just waiting til he was asleep.
"I won't leave." I promised quickly, pullin' my hand away from his face and dropping it in my lap as I did my best to perfect that sincere look again. Second best actor, my ass.
Swallowing hard my gaze flickered over to the television again briefly before I looked back up into his dark gaze. What was he thinking inside that head of his? I doubted that I wanted to know, it was probably dark and twisted and full of demons and blood and monsters. Black rainbows. I was starting to get itchy again. These pants didn't fit me right, nothing fit right. Everything was wrong, and right, and harsh and soft and I was so glad that I wasn't behind prison bars anymore waiting for the guards to come in and say goodnight.
She answered me way too quickly, so I knew that was a lie. I didn't think she would kill me, if she'd wanted to kill me, she would have stabbed that knife in my neck or my chest. I think was curious to see what I was going to do next. Hell, I didn't even know what I would do next. I usually just did the first thing that popped into my brain, no matter how fucked up and twisted.
Speaking of fucked up and twisted, I knew now that I would have to make very sure that she didn't leave. I was fucking exhausted, and if she fought me on this, I was going to not only tie her up, but blindfold AND gag her. Then I'd lock her back in the trunk for the entire drive tomorrow. I already knew she hated being trapped inside of things, now I had a fun punishment I could dish out when I felt like it now.
"You know, you're cute when you lie." I got up from the bed. Started to grab the bag of medical supplies, but was distracted for a moment by the wallpaper in the room. The pictures seemed to be moving. I blinked a few times, giggling to myself. "I don't want to hurt you, but I will. I'll hurt you again and again until you beg me to stop."
I rummaged through the bag until my hands closed on what I needed. These would have to work. Turned back around to find she had that look on her face again. I smiled and I know it wasn't nice. "Lie down on the bed, Faithy." When she didn't do it, that flash of rage went through me again, and before I could stop myself, I'd slammed my hand into her chest, forcing her back against the mattress.
"I will choke you like I did before if I have to, and maybe this time I'll break your windpipe." I brought the roll of bandages around, tying one end around her wrist. "I was going to be nice about this, but you always have to piss me the fuck off." No more nice, not for her.
Twisted her arm up above her head, enjoying the way she gasped. I sliced the bandage with the knife and knotted it to the headboard. That should get to be very uncomfortable after a few hours. I straddled her body, pinning her body to the bed. Adding just a little more pressure, I could see her muscles straining against the bandage. That really had to hurt. Made me smile.
I brought the knife around, pressing it just below her eye. "I'm going to ask you a question, and if I don't like your answer, I will start cutting." Oh, that fear was fucking delightful. "Are you going to behave yourself now?" I tilted my head as my other hand wrapped around the wrist that was still free.
"What? I didn't!" I protested, watching him through wide eyes as he started to go through his bag of crap, finally comin' out with bandages. Oh shit. Were we gonna play doctor or something? I was too busy tryin' to wrap my mind around that to pay attention when he demanded that I lay down. Finally his hand slammed into my chest and pressed my back into the mattress. Fuck. I didn't do anything! I was behaving. Hey, I hadn't stabbed him again, and I was bein' nice and fuck fuck fuck. Didn't he say he was gonna make it better? We were high, everything was soft and floating. He said he wouldn't ruin it! Son of a bitch.
He threatened to throttle me back into submission, so I just laid still and let him wind the bandage around my arm, locking me to the headboard by one wrist. My arm strained and stretched under the pressure as he locked his other hand around my free wrist, and straddled me. Again, the thousands of moves I could have used in the past slammed through my mind, taunting me like the demon that sat perched on his shoulder.
"Come on, Faithy. Answer the man." The demon growled at me, as he held a knife underneath my eye.
Breathing hard I tried to twist my face away but everytime I moved my eyes away from the demon my vision turned back to that apartment. That defining moment in my life. Wesley's handsome face all cut and bruised and beaten and charred. This was hell. I wasn't sleeping, I wasn't dreaming. I had died and now I was in hell. The two of us were finally taking that hell ride together and I was never gonna escape. Never gonna be free.
Opening my eyes again I stared at the demon on his shoulder. He whispered secrets, dark wrong wicked secrets, and I couldn't help myself. I opened my mouth and started screaming, long loud hollow screams that made my blood chill in my veins.
Faith was looking at something that I couldn't see. Must be from the drugs. Then she fucking screamed, and she didn't stop. I was so startled at first that the knife slipped in my fingers and the tip pushed into that pretty flesh. A single drop of crimson rolled down her cheek like a tear.
Couldn't let her keep making this much noise. Even with the place almost empty, someone would hear her. So I tried to shut her the fuck up. Brought my hand hard against her cheek, but that didn't seem to work. Whatever she was seeing was enough to make her ignore the pain.
This called for more drastic measures. I pulled off another strip of bandage, and the next time she opened her mouth, I used it for a gag, pulling it as tightly as I could. She was still screaming, but it was muffled. "Faith, calm the fuck down, or I'm going to make you calm down." No response.
So be it. I let the knife drop down on the bed and covered her mouth with one hand before pinching her nostrils shut with the other. The result was quite impressive. She was getting no air at all now. Her body pushed up against mine, but I wasn't going to move. I waited until her face turned a very angry shade of red before letting go.
"That was a very stupid fucking thing to do. I'm going to have to punish you now." I tied her other wrist to the bed, making the knot tighter than it needed to be. No way was I going to let her be free for the night. "Going to make you fucking bleed."
I couldn't stop screaming, no matter what he did. Couldn't even see or feel past the ache, the sharp shiny teeth and glowing angry red eyes. It was right on his shoulder, why didn't he see it? Kicking out desperately, I writhed and bucked underneath him. Yanking on my wrist so hard I was almost afraid I might dislocate it tryin' to pull free. Even when the bandage came crashing into my mouth, I kept screaming muffled hollow screams filling up the room with black music. God, it hurt so much. I wanted to tear his eyes out with my teeth and spit them on the floor.
Just when I thought I might split in two, his fingers pinched my nose shut and clamped over my mouth. Panicked, I tried to breathe but my head just started filling up. So much pressure it hurt and still I tried to scream. Again and again and again until I realized no sound was coming out and my head felt like it weighed a ton. My kicking became even more desperate as I tried to shove him off of me. Tried to move, tried to get free desperately. Because I wanted to live, and I wanted to be free. I wanted to find that beauty again, but sometimes beauty only came through pain. And the only thing that existed in hell was pain.
Finally his fingers let go and I gasped in mouthfulls of air around the gag as he tied my other wrist to the bedpost. No.
"No, please. I'm sorry." I tried to say through the bandage, but it only sounded warbled and muffled. A few frustrated tears mixed with the blood on my face and trickled down my cheek. Angrily I jerked on my wrists again, afraid I might break them but I didn't care. It couldn't hurt worse than this.
I thought I knew what she was trying to say and couldn't bring myself to care. The tears were very nice to see, and pulling on the banages must really be causing her wrists a lot of pain. Looked all pretty like that. She'd look even prettier when I was finished.
Reaching out, I grabbed her chin, twisting her face up. "I would love to hear you scream some more, but I think you've done enough of that. Try not to swallow the gag." She started to squirm and pull on the bandages again, but all that was going to do was make them even tighter.
I moved down her body and lifted up her shirt, looking at the pale flesh. Let my fingers trace over the scar on Faith's stomach where Angel's little bitch of a Slayer had stabbed her. "Going to make you pretty. Don't move while I do this, or it'll mess the picture up. Hate to have the knife go in too far."
She went very still when I said that. Good girl. This was going to hurt, but she'd been very bad. I was about to press the tip to her skin when there was a knock at the door. With a growl, I got off the bed, putting the knife behind my back. It had better not be the police.
I opened the door and saw a guy in sweatpants standing there. "I'm from the room over there. Heard some screams, wanted to make sure eveyrthing was okay." He stuck his head in the door and I grabbed his arm, dragging him inside.
Brought him over to the bed where Faith was and smiled. "See? Nothing to be woried about." He started to say something and I stabbed the knife deep into his gut, twisting it as hard as I could. Pulled it out and stabbed him repeatedly until he collapsed on top of Faith. I could hear her screaming against the gag again and shoved him to the floor. "See what you made me do? This is your fault."
My eyes went wide when I heard someone at the door. My heart was pounding in my chest, and I could feel small beads of sweat dripping down the back of my neck. Suddenly I went very still and quiet because for as terrifying as Angelus was? The thought of cops finding us was even scarier. Didn't wanna go back, wanted to be outta here, didn't wanna go back, wanted them to rescue me, didn't wanna go back. I couldn't make up my mind. I was almost relieved when some random guy walked up to the bed and gave me a look. He opened his mouth to say something and I clenched my eyes shut because I knew what was gonna happen.
I could hear the knife slide cleanly through him abdomen like butter, over and over and over again. I remembered that sound really fucking well considering I'd done my fair share of killing, not to mention gettin' stabbed in the gut myself. Finally I couldn't help myself, and I opened my eyes to see Angelus stab him one more time. Pale eyes wide and empty before his dead body collapsed right on top of me. A few trickles of blood dripped from the corners of his lips and fell onto my throat.
Opening my mouth I started to scream again, loudly and wildly trying to push him off of me. Yanking on my wrists, the entire headboard slammed against the wall with the pressure.
Finally he pushed the body off of me and it fell to the floor with a thud. He still had that knife in his hand and suddenly I was feeling less scared and more pissed off. The demon had gone away, but I think it just disappeared into me, into my skin. I could feel it cold and hot at the same time, tingling down my spine.
"You son of a bitch!" I tried to yell at him, kicking out again I hit him in the arm, forcing him to drop the knife. My other leg quickly shot out and my foot slammed right into the family jewels. He gasped and grabbed his junk before falling to his knees. Fucker. Things were blurred because my senses weren't what they were supposed to be. Kept seein' things, but things got more clear and he wasn't doin' anything to me that hadn't been done to me before.
Watching him carefully as he said he was gonna make it all better, I almost sighed in relief as he brought out more of that whatever it was. Made me feel like flyin'. It hadn't escaped my keen notice that he hadn't killed me. If he was gonna, I'd already be dead or really fucking close to it. Or maybe I was just stupid for thinkin' that. But he busted me out of prison cause he wanted someone to play with. Thought he could wake up that sleeping psycho livin' in my skin. He probably could. But I wasn't gonna let him.
Takin' a deep drag, my attention shifted towards the television. Looney Tunes or something was on. Hell if I could even remember anymore. I was anxious to get rid of this oppressive feeling weighing down over my chest. Quickly I took another puff on my smoke, feeling the laced smoke traveling down into my lungs.
Closing my eyes again my eyelids felt so heavy but it wasn't because my head hurt this time. Everytime I closed them and opened them again my vision swam. Like thoughts just floating right through my head. Slowly I began to relax, still sitting on the edge of the bed as I watched the television.
"What's in these, anyway?" I asked him curiously, turning around to glance at him.
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"Magic pixie dust." I giggled a few times. "PCP, weed, maybe a few other little things. Oh, and the blood of the guy I took them from. I think they soaked up some of his life as it bleed out of the hole in his body. He screamed so pretty for so long. It was like music I could feel."
I finished what I had before moving across the bed. Putting my legs on either side of her body, I reached out and set my hands on her shoulders. Let my fingers slowly work the muscles there, moving in very slow circles. "Going to make you feel good." Make up for almost killing her earlier.
They finished with the muscles there and moved towards her neck. She tensed up and I leaned in, kissing her cheek softly. "Not going to hurt you right now Faithy, just relax, let the drugs kick in for a while. Not going to ruin the buzz this time. I promise." Rubbed the sore flesh, making sure not to press too hard against the bruises. She moaned a little and I continued what I was doing, ignoring how tight my shorts had become.
"You have to stop pissing me off. I get fucking mad that I need to hurt things." Leaning in, I kissed my way across her jaw to her lips and brushed mine against hers. "Don't make me have to punish you like that again, your body doesn't heal as fast as it used to." Another kiss. "Don't want to break you yet, that comes later."
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Swallowing I tensed up as his hands started massaging into my shoulders, sinking me further into simulated comfort. Then his hands reached for my throat and I instantly pulled back but he was insistant and gentle and after a minute it felt okay. Felt better than okay, all of my senses were on fire. His lips brushing against my jaw, my mouth made me crazy like a cat in heat or something. But this was wrong. Wrong and right, because everything felt so right. Felt like I do anything, I could stab him in the thigh again, my eyes automatically drifted down to where I'd hurt him. Half of me wanted to squeeze it again until he screamed and the other half of me wanted to kiss it all better. I wasn't sure which half to listen to so I didn't do anything.
Putting a hand on his chest, I let his heart thump. Almost like it was thumping so hard and so loud it might burst through his skin and out into my hand. When he held me in the rain he'd been so cold and now he was so damn warm. Like rainbows slipping between his lips. Black rainbows because there was nothing inside of him. Just a dull, empty hollow demon.
Keeping my hand on his chest I pushed him away from me and sullenly turned my attention back to the television for a second. Bright blurs and colors flashed across the screen. He would want to break something that bright. He wanted to split the world in two halves end to end. Just like mom.
"Why did you come for me?" I asked, turning my attention back to him. Tilting my chin up I ran my tongue over my bottom lip in thought for a second before pressing my lips into a thin line.
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"Because I know what lurks inside of you that's just waiting to be free again. Faith, I know you." I reached out and let my fingers run through those soft stands of hair. "No one else would have come to get you. He'd be too busy trying to handle being human again. Bet he hasn't even figured out that he's missing half of himself yet. Always was slow on the uptake."
I moved my other hand in front of my face for a second, watching the pretty colors and giggling. "First saw you in Sunnydale. Knew what you would become even before you did." We can recognize others like ourselves. "He tried to help you, tried to stop it from happening and failed. He fails a lot. Bet he never talked about those either."
My head came down and rested against her shoulder. I could almost feel the darkness inside of her body, it wanted to be free, wanted to hurt, to kill, to make her strong again. All she had to do was give in to it and then the two of us would almost be unstoppable. "What you did to Wes, that was a thing of beauty. But the girl I saw in the alley wasn't one I knew. She was lost again, so torn between what she was and what she felt she needed to be."
I inhaled her scent, letting myself start to drift. Was talking too much, but it needed to be said. "You might not be like me, but you're closer than you think. I want you. Want you to be mine. Want to teach you how to really play the game, teach you how to live without worry and fear of what others will think about what you've done. I want you to be free, Faithy. You've trapped yourself in being something you aren't. Let yourself be free."
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Instinctively my hand reached up and I ran my fingers through his hair. Comfort as he laid his head on my shoulder. I didn't understand why I suddenly wanted to comfort him, but I did. Because he was so empty inside, nothing but rage in there. He was lacking the conscience that always ended up kicking me in the ass when I thought I had figured out exactly who and what I was. Now I was lost again, just when I thought that I was found. Maybe I needed some comfort too.
He was wrong though, I had never figured out who I was. Even when I was cutting into Wesley with that knife, I had no idea. It wasn't until I was crying in the rain that I figured out what I wanted to be. Because it hurt so much, tore me up inside to realize what I had become. He didn't understand that. He didn't have a soul.
I almost laughed when he said he wanted me to be free. Freed me tied up in the trunk of his car. But then I started to think about it. The only time I had truely ever felt free was locked behind bars. When I was trapped with myself and there was nothing to distract me from that. Forced me to look at everything I had ever done, everything I had become and would be. That was freedom. A cruel sort of freedom, but it still existed.
The thing that stuck out in my mind the most was that he wanted me. Had busted me out to be with him. Nobody ever wanted me. I was just poor, sick, dirty, wrong Faith. The bad slayer. Except now I wasn't even a slayer at all. It wasn't fair because he was still strong, and I fell small and weak and slow. I could remember all the moves, but I was afraid to try them. Afraid they wouldn't do me any good at all without super strength and speed.
Thoughts and troubles began to slip away from me as euphoria set in. My mind was jumbled, waves and patterns swirling in the air before my eyes. Why did he laugh so much? I almost wanted to call him Chuckles, just like that clown I had watched on TV when I was a kid. Somehow, I didn't think he would appreciate that association.
"Hurt Wes because I didn't wanna be forgotten." I said idly, my fingers still soothing running through his hair as he laid his head on my shoulder. "Wanted him to remember me forever."
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He never wanted to be touched, never let anyone in long enough to have it move past siimple skin on skin contact. Touching lead to touching of other kinds, and kissing and passion and *gasp* maybe even sex. And we all know what sex might lead to if he found someone who could give him perfect happiness. Then I'd come out to play. Can't have that. So no touching for him.
Me, I love being touched. Doesn't matter if it's pain or pleasure, or just someone's fingertips running through my hair. I'll take whatever I can get. If someone's touching you, then they know you exist. You're part of their world, even for a brief moment in time.
"It's the way you did it that he'll remember forever. Not just the scars you put on his flesh, but the ones you put into his mind and soul. I doubt he ever would have forgotten what happened in Sunnydale, but you carved it deep. Could hear him down the hall sometimes, late at night. Gasping, moaning, talking in his sleep. He won't ever forget you." No one could forget someone like her, I sure as hell didn't.
I sighed. "I'm so tired. Will you be here in the morning, or do I need to make sure you don't leave? Don't want to hurt you again tonight." But she's so pretty all covered with bruises and blood. That pale skin is a canvas just itching to be decorated with colors. When she heals up again, I want to play some of my favorite games, make that flesh all mine, but not tonight.
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He pulled away from me slightly, my hand sliding to the side of his face and down to hsi jaw as he told me he was tired. Tired? How could he be tired right now when the world was whirring by in a speed of lights and colors? How could he even think about sleeping? Maybe he was right though, because the crash was going to hurt so wickedly if we didn't sleep it off. Not that I planned on sleeping, mostly just waiting til he was asleep.
"I won't leave." I promised quickly, pullin' my hand away from his face and dropping it in my lap as I did my best to perfect that sincere look again. Second best actor, my ass.
Swallowing hard my gaze flickered over to the television again briefly before I looked back up into his dark gaze. What was he thinking inside that head of his? I doubted that I wanted to know, it was probably dark and twisted and full of demons and blood and monsters. Black rainbows. I was starting to get itchy again. These pants didn't fit me right, nothing fit right. Everything was wrong, and right, and harsh and soft and I was so glad that I wasn't behind prison bars anymore waiting for the guards to come in and say goodnight.
Thank you.
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Speaking of fucked up and twisted, I knew now that I would have to make very sure that she didn't leave. I was fucking exhausted, and if she fought me on this, I was going to not only tie her up, but blindfold AND gag her. Then I'd lock her back in the trunk for the entire drive tomorrow. I already knew she hated being trapped inside of things, now I had a fun punishment I could dish out when I felt like it now.
"You know, you're cute when you lie." I got up from the bed. Started to grab the bag of medical supplies, but was distracted for a moment by the wallpaper in the room. The pictures seemed to be moving. I blinked a few times, giggling to myself. "I don't want to hurt you, but I will. I'll hurt you again and again until you beg me to stop."
I rummaged through the bag until my hands closed on what I needed. These would have to work. Turned back around to find she had that look on her face again. I smiled and I know it wasn't nice. "Lie down on the bed, Faithy." When she didn't do it, that flash of rage went through me again, and before I could stop myself, I'd slammed my hand into her chest, forcing her back against the mattress.
"I will choke you like I did before if I have to, and maybe this time I'll break your windpipe." I brought the roll of bandages around, tying one end around her wrist. "I was going to be nice about this, but you always have to piss me the fuck off." No more nice, not for her.
Twisted her arm up above her head, enjoying the way she gasped. I sliced the bandage with the knife and knotted it to the headboard. That should get to be very uncomfortable after a few hours. I straddled her body, pinning her body to the bed. Adding just a little more pressure, I could see her muscles straining against the bandage. That really had to hurt. Made me smile.
I brought the knife around, pressing it just below her eye. "I'm going to ask you a question, and if I don't like your answer, I will start cutting." Oh, that fear was fucking delightful. "Are you going to behave yourself now?" I tilted my head as my other hand wrapped around the wrist that was still free.
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He threatened to throttle me back into submission, so I just laid still and let him wind the bandage around my arm, locking me to the headboard by one wrist. My arm strained and stretched under the pressure as he locked his other hand around my free wrist, and straddled me. Again, the thousands of moves I could have used in the past slammed through my mind, taunting me like the demon that sat perched on his shoulder.
"Come on, Faithy. Answer the man." The demon growled at me, as he held a knife underneath my eye.
Breathing hard I tried to twist my face away but everytime I moved my eyes away from the demon my vision turned back to that apartment. That defining moment in my life. Wesley's handsome face all cut and bruised and beaten and charred. This was hell. I wasn't sleeping, I wasn't dreaming. I had died and now I was in hell. The two of us were finally taking that hell ride together and I was never gonna escape. Never gonna be free.
Opening my eyes again I stared at the demon on his shoulder. He whispered secrets, dark wrong wicked secrets, and I couldn't help myself. I opened my mouth and started screaming, long loud hollow screams that made my blood chill in my veins.
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Couldn't let her keep making this much noise. Even with the place almost empty, someone would hear her. So I tried to shut her the fuck up. Brought my hand hard against her cheek, but that didn't seem to work. Whatever she was seeing was enough to make her ignore the pain.
This called for more drastic measures. I pulled off another strip of bandage, and the next time she opened her mouth, I used it for a gag, pulling it as tightly as I could. She was still screaming, but it was muffled. "Faith, calm the fuck down, or I'm going to make you calm down." No response.
So be it. I let the knife drop down on the bed and covered her mouth with one hand before pinching her nostrils shut with the other. The result was quite impressive. She was getting no air at all now. Her body pushed up against mine, but I wasn't going to move. I waited until her face turned a very angry shade of red before letting go.
"That was a very stupid fucking thing to do. I'm going to have to punish you now." I tied her other wrist to the bed, making the knot tighter than it needed to be. No way was I going to let her be free for the night. "Going to make you fucking bleed."
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Just when I thought I might split in two, his fingers pinched my nose shut and clamped over my mouth. Panicked, I tried to breathe but my head just started filling up. So much pressure it hurt and still I tried to scream. Again and again and again until I realized no sound was coming out and my head felt like it weighed a ton. My kicking became even more desperate as I tried to shove him off of me. Tried to move, tried to get free desperately. Because I wanted to live, and I wanted to be free. I wanted to find that beauty again, but sometimes beauty only came through pain. And the only thing that existed in hell was pain.
Finally his fingers let go and I gasped in mouthfulls of air around the gag as he tied my other wrist to the bedpost. No.
"No, please. I'm sorry." I tried to say through the bandage, but it only sounded warbled and muffled. A few frustrated tears mixed with the blood on my face and trickled down my cheek. Angrily I jerked on my wrists again, afraid I might break them but I didn't care. It couldn't hurt worse than this.
"I'm sorry!"
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Reaching out, I grabbed her chin, twisting her face up. "I would love to hear you scream some more, but I think you've done enough of that. Try not to swallow the gag." She started to squirm and pull on the bandages again, but all that was going to do was make them even tighter.
I moved down her body and lifted up her shirt, looking at the pale flesh. Let my fingers trace over the scar on Faith's stomach where Angel's little bitch of a Slayer had stabbed her. "Going to make you pretty. Don't move while I do this, or it'll mess the picture up. Hate to have the knife go in too far."
She went very still when I said that. Good girl. This was going to hurt, but she'd been very bad. I was about to press the tip to her skin when there was a knock at the door. With a growl, I got off the bed, putting the knife behind my back. It had better not be the police.
I opened the door and saw a guy in sweatpants standing there. "I'm from the room over there. Heard some screams, wanted to make sure eveyrthing was okay." He stuck his head in the door and I grabbed his arm, dragging him inside.
Brought him over to the bed where Faith was and smiled. "See? Nothing to be woried about." He started to say something and I stabbed the knife deep into his gut, twisting it as hard as I could. Pulled it out and stabbed him repeatedly until he collapsed on top of Faith. I could hear her screaming against the gag again and shoved him to the floor. "See what you made me do? This is your fault."
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I could hear the knife slide cleanly through him abdomen like butter, over and over and over again. I remembered that sound really fucking well considering I'd done my fair share of killing, not to mention gettin' stabbed in the gut myself. Finally I couldn't help myself, and I opened my eyes to see Angelus stab him one more time. Pale eyes wide and empty before his dead body collapsed right on top of me. A few trickles of blood dripped from the corners of his lips and fell onto my throat.
Opening my mouth I started to scream again, loudly and wildly trying to push him off of me. Yanking on my wrists, the entire headboard slammed against the wall with the pressure.
Finally he pushed the body off of me and it fell to the floor with a thud. He still had that knife in his hand and suddenly I was feeling less scared and more pissed off. The demon had gone away, but I think it just disappeared into me, into my skin. I could feel it cold and hot at the same time, tingling down my spine.
"You son of a bitch!" I tried to yell at him, kicking out again I hit him in the arm, forcing him to drop the knife. My other leg quickly shot out and my foot slammed right into the family jewels. He gasped and grabbed his junk before falling to his knees. Fucker. Things were blurred because my senses weren't what they were supposed to be. Kept seein' things, but things got more clear and he wasn't doin' anything to me that hadn't been done to me before.
I was a survivor.
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