(no subject)
so there are days and then there are *days*. today was one of those days. nothing seemed to feel right with the world. not even waking up next to my boyfriend. there's a million things running through my brain. all of them seeming to lead back to the insecurities that i have about myself. my lack of self confidence is astounding.
oh where to begin? the thoughts, the self doubt, the small amount of self hatred, they all just weave in and out of each other and are all tied up.
i never got over this one guy and i honestly don't know where i ever stood with him. it kills me to not know how he truly felt about me, since i'm certain there's a part of me that will love him forever. i've had the realization that my current bf is not going to last in that role indefinitely. there's an expiration date that keeps getting flashed, but it's like the ink ran and i can't read the numbers. i know it's there i just can't make it out. i guess it'll be a little like milk, you know it will spoil but won't know till it get there. part of the reason i got with my bf is because shit hit the fan with the other dude. part of me just wants to pack up and move away and start all over somewhere new. but i know that would just be more hell than its worth. i've been here over a year and a half and i still haven't made this place home at all. moving wouldn't solve my problems i know. i'd just be a failure moving on to the next stop in life. which brings me to the GREs. what if i fail them? what if i continuously fail them? what if i can't get into stanford? or any grad program for that matter?! come on lets be honest here, i didn't go to CC because of the soccer or the cost or the proximity. it was because i failed to push myself and failed to get into better schools. i've talked up this whole leaving work to go back to school, what happens if i can't make it happen? i really don't want to be a technologist the rest of my career. i don't want to watch paint dry ever again! grad school is so far away from this moment i'm afraid it will never come. i'm afraid that i'll get complacent and just not works towards it. i'm afraid they'll laugh at my essay and scores and not accept me into any programs... i know i'm not good enough, i don't need schools telling me this. but it seems like everyone i work with is convinced that i'll be fine. that i'll make it. if i don't i'm letting them all down and showing them how much i really don't belong. i already feel that way most of the time i don't need additional reminders...
i want to feel like there's something keeping me here. something that ties me to this area.
i want someone who just understands me. no verbal explanations needed. and who loves me unconditionally.
i want to feel good in my own skin. confident. amazing. beautiful.
i want to be successful in my personal relationships and my professional ones.
i want to get into grad school. a good one preferably. and i don't want to have to pay for it...
i want this one person to realize how much they mean to me and that i die a little each day that i'm forgotten/overlooked/ignored/not fully appreciated. (which the plan is to tell them all of that when i leave for grad school. yet another reason i really need to go.)
i just don't want to feel like i'm not worthy of having everything that i want.
oh where to begin? the thoughts, the self doubt, the small amount of self hatred, they all just weave in and out of each other and are all tied up.
i never got over this one guy and i honestly don't know where i ever stood with him. it kills me to not know how he truly felt about me, since i'm certain there's a part of me that will love him forever. i've had the realization that my current bf is not going to last in that role indefinitely. there's an expiration date that keeps getting flashed, but it's like the ink ran and i can't read the numbers. i know it's there i just can't make it out. i guess it'll be a little like milk, you know it will spoil but won't know till it get there. part of the reason i got with my bf is because shit hit the fan with the other dude. part of me just wants to pack up and move away and start all over somewhere new. but i know that would just be more hell than its worth. i've been here over a year and a half and i still haven't made this place home at all. moving wouldn't solve my problems i know. i'd just be a failure moving on to the next stop in life. which brings me to the GREs. what if i fail them? what if i continuously fail them? what if i can't get into stanford? or any grad program for that matter?! come on lets be honest here, i didn't go to CC because of the soccer or the cost or the proximity. it was because i failed to push myself and failed to get into better schools. i've talked up this whole leaving work to go back to school, what happens if i can't make it happen? i really don't want to be a technologist the rest of my career. i don't want to watch paint dry ever again! grad school is so far away from this moment i'm afraid it will never come. i'm afraid that i'll get complacent and just not works towards it. i'm afraid they'll laugh at my essay and scores and not accept me into any programs... i know i'm not good enough, i don't need schools telling me this. but it seems like everyone i work with is convinced that i'll be fine. that i'll make it. if i don't i'm letting them all down and showing them how much i really don't belong. i already feel that way most of the time i don't need additional reminders...
i want to feel like there's something keeping me here. something that ties me to this area.
i want someone who just understands me. no verbal explanations needed. and who loves me unconditionally.
i want to feel good in my own skin. confident. amazing. beautiful.
i want to be successful in my personal relationships and my professional ones.
i want to get into grad school. a good one preferably. and i don't want to have to pay for it...
i want this one person to realize how much they mean to me and that i die a little each day that i'm forgotten/overlooked/ignored/not fully appreciated. (which the plan is to tell them all of that when i leave for grad school. yet another reason i really need to go.)
i just don't want to feel like i'm not worthy of having everything that i want.