Fic: Zoro, the Chimney Sweep
Zoro was stuck in a chimney. Again. Dammit. How did this happen? Oh, that’s right. Some stupid pirate had challenged him and the other Straw Hats to a fight. Which Luffy accepted. And Zoro, being the stoic macho-man he was, didn’t argue against his captain’s decision. Although he knew he’d regret it sooner or later. And he really did now, since the pirate had some sort of Devil Fruit that let him throw stuff pretty damn far. Dammit.
The swordsman was also upside down. Just like when that giant leopard government guy grabbed his head and tossed him out of the Galley-La Mansion. All the blood - and Zoro had plenty to spare - was rushing to his head and it was getting hard to think. Zoro tried kicking. Nope. His legs were sticking straight out, above the chimney, just like last time.
“Lucky me,” he grumbled, gritting his teeth. There was no lit fire in the fireplace below - above? - him, but there was still plenty of ash and soot to contaminate his lungs. He could feel it getting into his hair… his short, fuzzy, green hair. Zoro desperately hoped that Sanji wouldn’t save him. The last thing he needed was to be called after some bad guy from Drum Island that he didn’t even hear about until Chopper was telling Brook about the former’s birthplace.
His three swords -- Wado Ichimonji, Sandai Kitetsu, and Shuusui - were pressing into his sides thanks to the confined quarters of the chimney, their hilts causing even greater discomfort. “If I could just… reach one…” Zoro said, stretching his fingers as far as their non-Luffy characteristics would allow them. “I could cut my way out of here…” No such luck for Marimo.
“Fine,” Zoro decided, craning his neck up - down? - at the empty space. “OI!” He called. “ANYONE HOME?” No answer. Great. Perfect. Brilliant. Roronoa Zoro, the great “pirate hunter” with a one-hundred-and-twenty million belli bounty, stuck in a chimney with no one home. This was not how he wanted to be found, stuck upside down like this. Imagine what that damned dart-board cook would have to say!
Just as Zoro was about to reach for his swords again, he heard something clattering above - below? Dammit! - so he looked down - up! - and saw a pair of hands placing wood into the fireplace, which was no smelling awfully like gas. “Shit!” Zoro was about to be chimney fodder! Before he could do anything else though, a match was tossed onto the wood and the whole thing exploded in flames. Zoro attempted to shout something, but the smoke filled his lungs and made him cough.
“Hey, knock it off with that, will ya?!” He finally managed to say, his face considerably darkened from the soot. “Put the fire out, you morons!!” He heard gasps and shocked voices floating above his head. About time.
“Err… p-put the fire out?” Zoro heard a voice say.
“Yeah! I’m stuck in your goddamn chimney!” Geez, didn’t anybody check their chimney for hapless swordsmen in this day and age? At least Water 7 was abandoned because of some tidal wave. “So get me out!”
“Y-yes! R-right away!” Only when he hear water splashing over the flames and footsteps walking away did Zoro relax. At least this town wasn’t full of idiots.
“Don’t ask how the crap I got stuck in here, okay?” Zoro yelled up - down? - to the top of the chimney as he heard footsteps there. “It’s embarrassing enough I’m stuck here in the first place!”
“S-sure… b-but don’t you swear a lot of someone stuck in a chimney?”
“Fuck you,” said Zoro. “How about I stick you down here and see how you react, huh?! Damn idiot…”