(no subject)
Writing needs to be a priority of mine. It helps. Any kind of writing, that is. Creative, journal, plain old mind-dump, just anything. So here again is probably a post that might not make a whole lot of sense.
I struggle with a lot. My weight, my self-esteem, my sexuality, my spirituality, my finances. Sometimes it feels like all I do is struggle. Like right now.
When I feel like this I break down a little and realize how much effort I afford to appearing to have it together. Most people feel this way, I know. I just have a tougher time with it.
I used to put a lot of effort into being an outgoing person consciously or otherwise. As a kid I was intensely shy, quiet, and sensitive. I find now that I have more days where I feel like I revert back to that personality. Whether it's a regression or a realization of who I really am behind the effort to appear normal, I have no idea. It's something I've been thinking about a lot.
I don't know. It's like I got stuck in teenagehood emotionally. Nowadays I constantly struggle to find my identity. Being medicated cleared a lot of crud out but now I find myself wondering who the hell I've been for the better part of my life. Who the hell am I now?
I'm kind of an asshole. There are days where I can't stand being around anyone and when I am, I'm very curt and sarcastic. I feel bad about it later on but it feels like second nature at the time. This makes keeping friends a bit more challenging.
I don't know if I'll ever want a relationship. It's good to feel wanted and loved and safe with someone, sure. But history dictates that my paranoia and intense insecurity delivers a fatal double whammy. Every time.
I have a large family but I've never really felt a part of it. Well, I do. I'm the little kid that lost both of his parents before he was 19. There's a lot of pity. I'm sure there's love but I'd like at least one interaction where I didn't see that look of pity on their face. Only Lorie doesn't give me that look. Which is why we're so close.
I'd like to, one day, be able to see my life for what I have instead of what I don't. Up until this point I've never been able to do that. I can feign optimism for a bit but it's usually short-lived.
I don't like feeling all this crap. I just don't. It makes me feel like an angst-ridden teen. Surely a normal person has all this shit figured out by their mid 20s. Baby steps, I suppose. Work out this existential crisis and move on to the next.
I struggle with a lot. My weight, my self-esteem, my sexuality, my spirituality, my finances. Sometimes it feels like all I do is struggle. Like right now.
When I feel like this I break down a little and realize how much effort I afford to appearing to have it together. Most people feel this way, I know. I just have a tougher time with it.
I used to put a lot of effort into being an outgoing person consciously or otherwise. As a kid I was intensely shy, quiet, and sensitive. I find now that I have more days where I feel like I revert back to that personality. Whether it's a regression or a realization of who I really am behind the effort to appear normal, I have no idea. It's something I've been thinking about a lot.
I don't know. It's like I got stuck in teenagehood emotionally. Nowadays I constantly struggle to find my identity. Being medicated cleared a lot of crud out but now I find myself wondering who the hell I've been for the better part of my life. Who the hell am I now?
I'm kind of an asshole. There are days where I can't stand being around anyone and when I am, I'm very curt and sarcastic. I feel bad about it later on but it feels like second nature at the time. This makes keeping friends a bit more challenging.
I don't know if I'll ever want a relationship. It's good to feel wanted and loved and safe with someone, sure. But history dictates that my paranoia and intense insecurity delivers a fatal double whammy. Every time.
I have a large family but I've never really felt a part of it. Well, I do. I'm the little kid that lost both of his parents before he was 19. There's a lot of pity. I'm sure there's love but I'd like at least one interaction where I didn't see that look of pity on their face. Only Lorie doesn't give me that look. Which is why we're so close.
I'd like to, one day, be able to see my life for what I have instead of what I don't. Up until this point I've never been able to do that. I can feign optimism for a bit but it's usually short-lived.
I don't like feeling all this crap. I just don't. It makes me feel like an angst-ridden teen. Surely a normal person has all this shit figured out by their mid 20s. Baby steps, I suppose. Work out this existential crisis and move on to the next.