(no subject)
It's been a long time since I've written anything I've been feeling. Here's hoping that this will help, even if just a little.
I am tired. I'm tired of keeping the charade going. I can't go on another day pretending that I've got my world in order. Emotionally, I am an absolute and utter train wreck.
I am 30 years old and I have attended the funerals of my mother, my father, my two grandmothers, two brothers, two cousins, my grandfather, and my aunt. I'm averaging an immediate family death about every 3 years. Let me tell you, every single one is a reminder of all the others that have come before. It's a cumulative grieving process and I have reached maximum capacity.
My aunt passed about a week ago and that's when the real depression settled in. Her death was the first on my mother's side since she died 20 years ago. My aunt's funeral was in the same funeral home, same room, and same cemetery as my mother. When I saw my aunt in the casket it was like I was suddenly 8 years old again. Remembering the confusion, the sorrow, and the anger I felt when I saw my mother's lifeless body in a coffin. Now those feelings have settled in and I remember my father's passing. How lost, depressed, and angry I was.
I can't help but wonder if I'm ever going to feel okay again. It seems like I can't work on my personal issues without having to deal with another reminder of all the people I've lost in my life so far. And when it comes to personal issues, I am like Rolling Stone.
Some of the things I'm dealing with at this very moment:
- finding out the truth about my brother-in-law's affair and having to keep my mouth shut because it would result in me being unemployed and dealing with a hyper-depressive sister
- I'm stuck living in a house with some not so reputable sorts and every day I wonder if the DEA is gonna roll up in this bitch and I end up in prison for just living here
- battling the urge to resort to mind-altering substances in order to keep myself from feeling all the shit I feel
- my gall bladder has swollen and has started to be tender to the touch which means any money I could save will be put towards even more medical bills
I'm just tired. And depressed. And fucking pissed off. I'm pissed off that there are people out there who have been dealt a better hand than me and they don't even realize how well they have it. I know I'm bitter and I don't care any more. At this point in my life, with all the dog shit I've had to trek through to get here, I deserve to have the right to be at least a little bitter. I've earned that, at the very least.
I'm on the very verge of a full on clinical depression. How I have staved it off this long is a testament to my skill in dealing with it, but... this is too much. I'm past my limit. In over my head, and I don't see the point in trying to reach the surface again anyways.
You would think I'd be crying a lot, right? But I don't. Not a single tear, not even if I try. I think I've been through so much that my heart is all calloused. And there's nothing I can do about it. I wish I weren't like this. I wish I could show some outward emotion for the people I've loved and lost. I just can't and despite the effort to fix it, I've run out of steam before the job was done.
Every night I go to sleep and pray that I will be in someone else's life when I wake up. Anyone else's. Anyone's life but mine. Just for one day. An hour. A minute, even. Just something less painful.
I am tired. I'm tired of keeping the charade going. I can't go on another day pretending that I've got my world in order. Emotionally, I am an absolute and utter train wreck.
I am 30 years old and I have attended the funerals of my mother, my father, my two grandmothers, two brothers, two cousins, my grandfather, and my aunt. I'm averaging an immediate family death about every 3 years. Let me tell you, every single one is a reminder of all the others that have come before. It's a cumulative grieving process and I have reached maximum capacity.
My aunt passed about a week ago and that's when the real depression settled in. Her death was the first on my mother's side since she died 20 years ago. My aunt's funeral was in the same funeral home, same room, and same cemetery as my mother. When I saw my aunt in the casket it was like I was suddenly 8 years old again. Remembering the confusion, the sorrow, and the anger I felt when I saw my mother's lifeless body in a coffin. Now those feelings have settled in and I remember my father's passing. How lost, depressed, and angry I was.
I can't help but wonder if I'm ever going to feel okay again. It seems like I can't work on my personal issues without having to deal with another reminder of all the people I've lost in my life so far. And when it comes to personal issues, I am like Rolling Stone.
Some of the things I'm dealing with at this very moment:
- finding out the truth about my brother-in-law's affair and having to keep my mouth shut because it would result in me being unemployed and dealing with a hyper-depressive sister
- I'm stuck living in a house with some not so reputable sorts and every day I wonder if the DEA is gonna roll up in this bitch and I end up in prison for just living here
- battling the urge to resort to mind-altering substances in order to keep myself from feeling all the shit I feel
- my gall bladder has swollen and has started to be tender to the touch which means any money I could save will be put towards even more medical bills
I'm just tired. And depressed. And fucking pissed off. I'm pissed off that there are people out there who have been dealt a better hand than me and they don't even realize how well they have it. I know I'm bitter and I don't care any more. At this point in my life, with all the dog shit I've had to trek through to get here, I deserve to have the right to be at least a little bitter. I've earned that, at the very least.
I'm on the very verge of a full on clinical depression. How I have staved it off this long is a testament to my skill in dealing with it, but... this is too much. I'm past my limit. In over my head, and I don't see the point in trying to reach the surface again anyways.
You would think I'd be crying a lot, right? But I don't. Not a single tear, not even if I try. I think I've been through so much that my heart is all calloused. And there's nothing I can do about it. I wish I weren't like this. I wish I could show some outward emotion for the people I've loved and lost. I just can't and despite the effort to fix it, I've run out of steam before the job was done.
Every night I go to sleep and pray that I will be in someone else's life when I wake up. Anyone else's. Anyone's life but mine. Just for one day. An hour. A minute, even. Just something less painful.