I Can Say I Hope It Will Be Worth What I Give Up
I am not doing so well lately which is why I haven't written in a while. I didn't want to have a freaktastic entry every day to make everyone think I'm crazy, but I can't hold it in any longer.
Michael and I broke up.
I know we've said we've broken up before and it turned out it was only a little fight and we didn't really break up, but this is for real this time. On Tuesday night Michael called me on the phone crying because he wanted to end things because the distance was too much. He was tired of living two separate lives and being apart from each other. At 1:30 that morning he called me again crying saying he didn't want to break up. There was this whole big limbo thing all week where I didn't know if we were or weren't together anymore. On Thursday night I told him I didn't like not knowing where we stood so until he figured things out, I couldn't talk to him. Do you see how dramatic we are? It's nuts, I am aware. So then Michael spent all of Friday trying to convince me to see him this weekend. He said that he missed me so much and wanted to see me. He offered to come home to see me since I said I wouldn't go see him, but he eventually convinced me and so I drove down to CT yesterday morning.
When I got there, everything was fine. We stayed up in his room at first and laughed and talked about things. Then we went downtown and did some shopping. When we went back to his apartment, we watched an episode of "30 Rock" and then laid down. I was getting a little tired and just wanted to cuddle. Well, then he started talking again about how hard this relationship is because we're apart and how he KNOWS it would be great if we were together because we love each other and get along really well. And I just started crying. He said he didn't want to hurt me, he just doesn't think things are great right now, but he wants to get back to that place that was great for us. And then he started crying. More stuff was said, blah blah blah. So I drove the two hours home. Walking into my front door and greeting my parents was like the walk of shame. They think I'm fine. I told my mom a little bit of what happened, but not enough. She doesn't know how I've been crying my eyes out.
This is so unfair. I feel so much anger towards Michael right now. I just think this is ridiculous. I can't talk to him now either, but I know he'll want to soon to see if we can get back together, but I just don't want to. I feel like he's making such a huge mistake. When I told him that I couldn't talk to him for a while he said, "Well, what if breaking up is a huge mistake? How will we know and get back together?" Well, I don't care right now. I feel so hurt. And lonely and unwanted and a whole bunch of other negative stuff. I was looking forward to spending Thanksgiving with his family. His mother found out that we were having trouble earlier in the week and she told Michael that his father and her had spent two years apart too. And then she asked Michael if he could see himself with me forever. I didn't ask what his answer was and I can't tell from his actions what it was either ("It's too hard right now, but I want to get back to that good place.")
I know some of you probably think we're the nuttiest guys and that this was a bad relationship and it's probably best that we're apart. But we really were good together. He made me really happy. Sometimes he annoyed me but they were little annoyances and I'd just always vent about it here. He really is a good person and I don't want anyone to think otherwise. The distance really was our biggest issue and it drove us apart. We really never fought that much and a lot of times the biggest fight was about the distance. He just couldn't handle it.
I don't know what to do, though. How can I try to repair this? I mean, is it a bad sign for couples to take a break and then get back together? Our break isn't about us not getting along so does that make it different? I just think, if we were to get married later, are we just headed for divorce because we couldn't keep it together? Should I just move on or try to make this work somewhere down the road? How do I feel better right now?
Even still I think Michael and I are meant to be together, but maybe I'm delusional.
Michael and I broke up.
I know we've said we've broken up before and it turned out it was only a little fight and we didn't really break up, but this is for real this time. On Tuesday night Michael called me on the phone crying because he wanted to end things because the distance was too much. He was tired of living two separate lives and being apart from each other. At 1:30 that morning he called me again crying saying he didn't want to break up. There was this whole big limbo thing all week where I didn't know if we were or weren't together anymore. On Thursday night I told him I didn't like not knowing where we stood so until he figured things out, I couldn't talk to him. Do you see how dramatic we are? It's nuts, I am aware. So then Michael spent all of Friday trying to convince me to see him this weekend. He said that he missed me so much and wanted to see me. He offered to come home to see me since I said I wouldn't go see him, but he eventually convinced me and so I drove down to CT yesterday morning.
When I got there, everything was fine. We stayed up in his room at first and laughed and talked about things. Then we went downtown and did some shopping. When we went back to his apartment, we watched an episode of "30 Rock" and then laid down. I was getting a little tired and just wanted to cuddle. Well, then he started talking again about how hard this relationship is because we're apart and how he KNOWS it would be great if we were together because we love each other and get along really well. And I just started crying. He said he didn't want to hurt me, he just doesn't think things are great right now, but he wants to get back to that place that was great for us. And then he started crying. More stuff was said, blah blah blah. So I drove the two hours home. Walking into my front door and greeting my parents was like the walk of shame. They think I'm fine. I told my mom a little bit of what happened, but not enough. She doesn't know how I've been crying my eyes out.
This is so unfair. I feel so much anger towards Michael right now. I just think this is ridiculous. I can't talk to him now either, but I know he'll want to soon to see if we can get back together, but I just don't want to. I feel like he's making such a huge mistake. When I told him that I couldn't talk to him for a while he said, "Well, what if breaking up is a huge mistake? How will we know and get back together?" Well, I don't care right now. I feel so hurt. And lonely and unwanted and a whole bunch of other negative stuff. I was looking forward to spending Thanksgiving with his family. His mother found out that we were having trouble earlier in the week and she told Michael that his father and her had spent two years apart too. And then she asked Michael if he could see himself with me forever. I didn't ask what his answer was and I can't tell from his actions what it was either ("It's too hard right now, but I want to get back to that good place.")
I know some of you probably think we're the nuttiest guys and that this was a bad relationship and it's probably best that we're apart. But we really were good together. He made me really happy. Sometimes he annoyed me but they were little annoyances and I'd just always vent about it here. He really is a good person and I don't want anyone to think otherwise. The distance really was our biggest issue and it drove us apart. We really never fought that much and a lot of times the biggest fight was about the distance. He just couldn't handle it.
I don't know what to do, though. How can I try to repair this? I mean, is it a bad sign for couples to take a break and then get back together? Our break isn't about us not getting along so does that make it different? I just think, if we were to get married later, are we just headed for divorce because we couldn't keep it together? Should I just move on or try to make this work somewhere down the road? How do I feel better right now?
Even still I think Michael and I are meant to be together, but maybe I'm delusional.