(no subject)
Ugh. I've been trying something new for me. I have a tendency to hold my emotions in, and not share with anyone. It takes a lot out of me and I get really depressed and feel I can't turn to anyone because nobody knows anything. So the last 6 months I"ve been trying to open up, share my feelings and really allow myself to become vulnerable. Now, I'm regretting the decision.
This past semester at Fresno State I let myself get close to some guy. I told him everything and I was suprised how comfortable he made me. I saw him every day, We hung out all the time and even had class together. For the first time, I was not only comfortable telling him whatever I was thinking, but I also did things that I normally would not, anytime I' caught myself trying to come up with a reason not to do something, i'd just do it. . I ditched class and went to art hop with him, we layed in the street and laughed the whole night. It was so much fun. Then, a week before christmas he tells me he was in a relationship for 6 years before and wasn't sure where he stood with her... he wasn't sure what to do about it. I told him if he had any doubt to try it again with her because 6 years is a long time and I don't want him to ever regret not trying... He said he'd think about it and then one day I get a text, saying his girlfriend has his phone, not to text him anymore.. that was it. I've heard from him twice since then. It really crushed my heart. I mean, I'm glad he made a decision, I wish it was me but it's not that he went back to her that hurt so bad, the worst part is I can't even talk to him as a friend. I feel like I have nobody up here. Ugh. I'm still dealing with that. I'm not sure how long it'll take for me to get over it. Everytime the neighbors get home I wake up and hope to hear knocks at the door... hoping he's there just wanting to chill. But he never is.
So I refocus my attention on friends. I got really close to old friends and we hung out all the time. I was feeling better. Then one of them was really down for a long time. She started making bad decisions and being reckless and regretting it the next day. She was so down all the time. I understand it's part of growing up and all but she was so different than she'd been the last couple months.. and I was comfortable with her and knew I could tell her anything so I told her how worried I was. I told her she needed to take some time to herself and stop trying to keep going all the time. I told her I felt she needed to do something other than what she was currently because it obviously wasn't working because she was getting worse. She got sooooo mad at me... I'm still blown away by it. I was sooooo sensitive about the whole thing because I knew she was vulnerable.. but I felt she needed to know how much she worried me, and what I saw. I was sooooo wrong. She hasn't talked to me in 3 weeks. I wrote her a couple times apologizing for overstepping my boundaries and what not. She wrote me back once and thanked me for the apology.. that was it.. Haven't heard from her since. She is someone I've known since highschool and losing her is so hard. Especially over something so innocent.
I am thrown for a loop. I've been told by everyone my whole life to be more open and trusting, that it's worth it.... but I'm not seeing it. And now I feel more lost than ever.
Ugh describes so much right now
I'm trying really hard to stay happy and up beat... but it's hard. Working and these winter courses are helping a lot by keeping me too busy to think, but the nights are hard. I went a month without sleep. The last couple nights I've slept, which is helping me a lot. I hope it doesn't go away. I've even tried medication and it doesn't work... and it adds to the cycle.
I feel like the song "A comet appears" by the Shins explains it all so well right now.
"Never worked so long and hard,
To cement a failure,
We can blow on our thumbs and posture,
But the lonely are such delicate things,
The wind from a wasp could blow them,
Into the sea,
With stones on their feet,
Lost to the light and the loving we need,
Still to come,
The worst part and you know it,
There is a numbness,
In your heart and it's growing"