(no subject)
last night i kept thinking about my new plans for my livejournal. i had decided that i would erase my entire journal and start afresh. i think my opening sentence was going to be "norgefish is...reborn." or something dumb like that.
i decided to start writing in my journal again because i want to document my semester in spain. i thought that i would warm up for that by writing this summer, since i haven't written an actual journal entry for so long. last night, i decided that today i would start the first entry of my new, improved livejournal, avoiding all of the things that i don't like about journals, such as whining, feeling sorry for oneself, writing really obscure things that you know most people won't understand, or writing to try to impress your audience. i feel like much of my old journal was too whiny.
so today i wanted to write a fun, happy entry about how my summer was going. i was going to write about working at two museums, which makes me re-evaluate my career choices. i had wanted to work in a museum freshman year but lost interest. my most recent career aspirations were either publishing or real estate. working at the museum of fine arts has definitely rekindled my interest in working in art museums. working at the holocaust museum isn't quite the same experience, but i love it anyway. however, it does always make me leave work while close to tears. i haven't actually cried at the holocaust museum, yet, but i'm afraid that these pent-up tears will come out at an inappropriate time. (note: i just sat here trying to think of some funny situation where i could cry inappropriately in the holocaust museum, but in my current state i find it hard to laugh at anything.)
i also wanted to write about other things i'm excited about this summer, such as going to hawaii for 10 days (leaving tomorrow), having emma visit me for two whole weeks, taking spanish classes at rice, taking a GMAT class and hopefully the actual GMAT itself, and ending my summer with a wonderful visit to san diego and jeremy.
however, my first entry is ultimately really tragic. i woke up this morning and the first thing i was confronted with was my mom telling me a good friend of mine had been killed. she was my best friend throughout middle school and we managed to stay in touch afterwards. last summer we rekindled our friendship (she was my first facebook friend besides patrick! i'm so happy she looked me up). we went to the opera together, shopped, saw "coffee and cigarettes", drove around the entire 610 loop at 1 A.M.
it's really hard for me because this is only the third death i've ever dealt with. the first was an old relative i hardly knew. the second, which still greatly affects me, was a friend's older sister who killed herself while at MIT. this time, it's actually someone i was really close to. i can't believe that someone who is on my cellphone, on my AIM buddy list, on my livejournal friends list (indecisiongirl), and on my facebook friends list, does not exist anymore. when do i delete her from these lists? i don't know if i can ever stand to do it. i'm afraid that i will never have closure because i will have to miss the funeral to go to hawaii (how horrible is that? i'm relaxing by the beach while my friend is being buried). seeing my friend's sister's body at her wake was the thing that truly made me accept her death. i don't know how i can accept rachel's death.
her death also makes me think about my own life. she was so incredibly bright (she took the SATs in 7th grade and got a 1400something). she went to yale and completely excelled at everything. in a less personal note, i honestly believe that academia and the field of music history has suffered. she wanted to be a professor and i know she would have contributed greatly towards scholarship. i feel like the world would've been better off if i had died instead. it's not like i'm going to contribute anything lasting in my professional life.
the other thing that completely bothers me is that, in the article about her in the houston chronicle today, it mentioned how she died and where she died. i don't know if she was conscious or not, but i keep imagining her last seconds. was she aware of what was going on? was she in pain? did she know she was dying? i feel as if, if i didn't know her, i would've thought that dying in a cornfield might've been somewhat poetic. however, knowing that it was my friend, it just seems harsh and unfit.
i decided to start writing in my journal again because i want to document my semester in spain. i thought that i would warm up for that by writing this summer, since i haven't written an actual journal entry for so long. last night, i decided that today i would start the first entry of my new, improved livejournal, avoiding all of the things that i don't like about journals, such as whining, feeling sorry for oneself, writing really obscure things that you know most people won't understand, or writing to try to impress your audience. i feel like much of my old journal was too whiny.
so today i wanted to write a fun, happy entry about how my summer was going. i was going to write about working at two museums, which makes me re-evaluate my career choices. i had wanted to work in a museum freshman year but lost interest. my most recent career aspirations were either publishing or real estate. working at the museum of fine arts has definitely rekindled my interest in working in art museums. working at the holocaust museum isn't quite the same experience, but i love it anyway. however, it does always make me leave work while close to tears. i haven't actually cried at the holocaust museum, yet, but i'm afraid that these pent-up tears will come out at an inappropriate time. (note: i just sat here trying to think of some funny situation where i could cry inappropriately in the holocaust museum, but in my current state i find it hard to laugh at anything.)
i also wanted to write about other things i'm excited about this summer, such as going to hawaii for 10 days (leaving tomorrow), having emma visit me for two whole weeks, taking spanish classes at rice, taking a GMAT class and hopefully the actual GMAT itself, and ending my summer with a wonderful visit to san diego and jeremy.
however, my first entry is ultimately really tragic. i woke up this morning and the first thing i was confronted with was my mom telling me a good friend of mine had been killed. she was my best friend throughout middle school and we managed to stay in touch afterwards. last summer we rekindled our friendship (she was my first facebook friend besides patrick! i'm so happy she looked me up). we went to the opera together, shopped, saw "coffee and cigarettes", drove around the entire 610 loop at 1 A.M.
it's really hard for me because this is only the third death i've ever dealt with. the first was an old relative i hardly knew. the second, which still greatly affects me, was a friend's older sister who killed herself while at MIT. this time, it's actually someone i was really close to. i can't believe that someone who is on my cellphone, on my AIM buddy list, on my livejournal friends list (indecisiongirl), and on my facebook friends list, does not exist anymore. when do i delete her from these lists? i don't know if i can ever stand to do it. i'm afraid that i will never have closure because i will have to miss the funeral to go to hawaii (how horrible is that? i'm relaxing by the beach while my friend is being buried). seeing my friend's sister's body at her wake was the thing that truly made me accept her death. i don't know how i can accept rachel's death.
her death also makes me think about my own life. she was so incredibly bright (she took the SATs in 7th grade and got a 1400something). she went to yale and completely excelled at everything. in a less personal note, i honestly believe that academia and the field of music history has suffered. she wanted to be a professor and i know she would have contributed greatly towards scholarship. i feel like the world would've been better off if i had died instead. it's not like i'm going to contribute anything lasting in my professional life.
the other thing that completely bothers me is that, in the article about her in the houston chronicle today, it mentioned how she died and where she died. i don't know if she was conscious or not, but i keep imagining her last seconds. was she aware of what was going on? was she in pain? did she know she was dying? i feel as if, if i didn't know her, i would've thought that dying in a cornfield might've been somewhat poetic. however, knowing that it was my friend, it just seems harsh and unfit.