The Tale of Schmale Heibold
Once upon a time there was a pirate. His name was Schmale Heibold. He was a French pirate, with a long curly mustache across his face, and a swashbuckling sword for swashbuckling. One day, he stood on his ship, the Lazy Bugger, drinking from his mug of ale. He said “Arr!” “Arr!” he said. He was a man of very few words.
Suddenly, Wobbles the cannonball came rolling across the deck. “There’s no more peanut butter!” she cried out. “Arr!” replied Schmale Heibold. “No more peanut butter! Then we must find a vulnerable seaside town to rape and pillage! Arr!” In a manner of speaking. For in truth, Schmale Heibold was not a violent pirate, but was often content to laze about the Lazy Bugger and drink ale.
But now, Schmale Heibold was mad. “Grr! Arr!” he grunted. For without peanut butter, he could not mix his famous nutty yum rum. “Alas, the nutty yum rum!” cried Wobbles. Schmale Heibold, not one to complain himself, ahem, placed a boot upon his cannonball companion to silence her whining. “Mruffhummf!” cried Wobbles.
Mruffmuff indeed. For off the starboard port came another pirate ship, the Not-So-Jolly Jelly. They were a fierce crew. Not only did they have cannonballs, but they had cannons! “Oh nuu!” cried Princess Fluffy, the lisping damsel in distress, as she emerged from below deck. “Whut will be duu?” She flailed her arms helplessly. “Have no fear,” Schmale Heibold assured her bravely. “Man the mast, swab the deck, save the ale, hoist the rig!” he cried out, and miraculously a crew of nimble poodles leapt to the deck to do all the things necessary to run a ship.
The Not-So-Jolly Jelly, realizing that they weren’t just confronting a lazy drunk Frenchman and his pet cannonball, but a real pirate, turned about and fled. The crew, disgusted with their captain, threw him overboard. “I’ll get you next time, Schmale Heibold! Glug, glug, glug!” he cried out. “Yay!” squeaked Wobbles. “Horruuu!” squealed Princess Fluffy. “Arroo!” howled the crew of poodles. “Arr!” replied Schmale Heibold as he drank his ale and sailed away on the Lazy Bugger. Arr, indeed.
© 2008 Liz Amato
Suddenly, Wobbles the cannonball came rolling across the deck. “There’s no more peanut butter!” she cried out. “Arr!” replied Schmale Heibold. “No more peanut butter! Then we must find a vulnerable seaside town to rape and pillage! Arr!” In a manner of speaking. For in truth, Schmale Heibold was not a violent pirate, but was often content to laze about the Lazy Bugger and drink ale.
But now, Schmale Heibold was mad. “Grr! Arr!” he grunted. For without peanut butter, he could not mix his famous nutty yum rum. “Alas, the nutty yum rum!” cried Wobbles. Schmale Heibold, not one to complain himself, ahem, placed a boot upon his cannonball companion to silence her whining. “Mruffhummf!” cried Wobbles.
Mruffmuff indeed. For off the starboard port came another pirate ship, the Not-So-Jolly Jelly. They were a fierce crew. Not only did they have cannonballs, but they had cannons! “Oh nuu!” cried Princess Fluffy, the lisping damsel in distress, as she emerged from below deck. “Whut will be duu?” She flailed her arms helplessly. “Have no fear,” Schmale Heibold assured her bravely. “Man the mast, swab the deck, save the ale, hoist the rig!” he cried out, and miraculously a crew of nimble poodles leapt to the deck to do all the things necessary to run a ship.
The Not-So-Jolly Jelly, realizing that they weren’t just confronting a lazy drunk Frenchman and his pet cannonball, but a real pirate, turned about and fled. The crew, disgusted with their captain, threw him overboard. “I’ll get you next time, Schmale Heibold! Glug, glug, glug!” he cried out. “Yay!” squeaked Wobbles. “Horruuu!” squealed Princess Fluffy. “Arroo!” howled the crew of poodles. “Arr!” replied Schmale Heibold as he drank his ale and sailed away on the Lazy Bugger. Arr, indeed.
© 2008 Liz Amato