a laundry list of consciousness. (things no one knows)
I have not updated in a long, long time, and there is a good chance few if any will read this, so mostly this is for my own thoughts to get some needed air.
There come moments in life when you know you've chosen to, or just wound up going down one path, and not another. There are also moments when you come to intersections in realtime of those paths, and moments like that can leave you dreadfully sad. Seeing my friends children for starters, then my new nephew compounded that feeling. You wont understand unless its really been apart of what you want in your life, as it has for me, to look at your life and realize that the one thing you truly wanted will now never be yours. The battle with existential depression can only be one in a proxy metaphor.
College isn't what it used to be, or even what it used to mean. The promise we are raised to believe is long since broken now, only no one told me. I am working at a call center now, since apparently going to college all the way means its twice as hard to get a job as doing a few night school classes up here.. For the last year I have managed through the winter, and the dark times, with little or nothing, and fought for the little so there wasn't nothing. Instead of what was supposed to happen upon my return, its been a year of golden carrots over and over again, save the one that would probably have burned me out quickly (collections work).
Now I have a near broken loved one living with me, and after months of supportive and very passive reinforcement, he is starting to regain a bit of himself. Managed to even help both him and my husband make good gains on overcoming social phobias.
Where have i been in the silence since my last posts, I have been shoring the foundations that have decayed since i departed for higher climates. Almost none of which has been clean or easy or quick work.
Where am I now? Thurisaz in the elder Norse, the place of reflections, when you are strung between two poles (literally) and all you can do is contemplate your path and hold on for dear life. Its a bit like a spiritual fall, when you review your work and prepare for winter, and quite literally a realization of oppositions and a gateway going two ways, but knowing you cannot go back once past the gate.
It is that feeling, of mourning, loss and inestimable sadness that I feel now. Knowing that as this road continues away, I must bid farewell to where I have been as well as where I could have been. It is a cold and chilling flame that drains the strength from me. Enervation would be a good choice of words, a depletion of vital strength.
My days run like this (each very similar to the one before it causing dysphoria) I wake between 520 and 630 each morning, pour a glass of coffee, smoke a cigarette or part of one, shower, finish that cigarette if i didnt before,finish my coffee and dress. Wake my brother at 730 and am at work by 745. At 5:15 im home, and trying to recover enough energy to want to speak to someone at home at all. Dinner around 6 each night and a movie until 8-845. 9 -10 is winding down and getting ready for bed. By around 930 im so tired my eyes water and im struggling to not fall asleep, or ill wake up way too early. Occasionally, I may wind up taking a nap for an hour or two, but still im in bed by 11 on those nights. Don't get me wrong, i enjoy where i am working though at a month out, still havent done my job yet. (training)
Yet outside my inner monologue, people see me smiling every day, making dinner some nights, and visiting with friends and enjoying my daily routine. Further each day from who i feel like i should be, from how i feel i should be living and each day further away from a chance to fix that. I cannot abandon this road, now two depend on me. One would have been impossible but with two its not even a consideration. So I stay the course and do the one thing I know I am good at, surviving. Gods I hate being tired. I sound so emo..
There come moments in life when you know you've chosen to, or just wound up going down one path, and not another. There are also moments when you come to intersections in realtime of those paths, and moments like that can leave you dreadfully sad. Seeing my friends children for starters, then my new nephew compounded that feeling. You wont understand unless its really been apart of what you want in your life, as it has for me, to look at your life and realize that the one thing you truly wanted will now never be yours. The battle with existential depression can only be one in a proxy metaphor.
College isn't what it used to be, or even what it used to mean. The promise we are raised to believe is long since broken now, only no one told me. I am working at a call center now, since apparently going to college all the way means its twice as hard to get a job as doing a few night school classes up here.. For the last year I have managed through the winter, and the dark times, with little or nothing, and fought for the little so there wasn't nothing. Instead of what was supposed to happen upon my return, its been a year of golden carrots over and over again, save the one that would probably have burned me out quickly (collections work).
Now I have a near broken loved one living with me, and after months of supportive and very passive reinforcement, he is starting to regain a bit of himself. Managed to even help both him and my husband make good gains on overcoming social phobias.
Where have i been in the silence since my last posts, I have been shoring the foundations that have decayed since i departed for higher climates. Almost none of which has been clean or easy or quick work.
Where am I now? Thurisaz in the elder Norse, the place of reflections, when you are strung between two poles (literally) and all you can do is contemplate your path and hold on for dear life. Its a bit like a spiritual fall, when you review your work and prepare for winter, and quite literally a realization of oppositions and a gateway going two ways, but knowing you cannot go back once past the gate.
It is that feeling, of mourning, loss and inestimable sadness that I feel now. Knowing that as this road continues away, I must bid farewell to where I have been as well as where I could have been. It is a cold and chilling flame that drains the strength from me. Enervation would be a good choice of words, a depletion of vital strength.
My days run like this (each very similar to the one before it causing dysphoria) I wake between 520 and 630 each morning, pour a glass of coffee, smoke a cigarette or part of one, shower, finish that cigarette if i didnt before,finish my coffee and dress. Wake my brother at 730 and am at work by 745. At 5:15 im home, and trying to recover enough energy to want to speak to someone at home at all. Dinner around 6 each night and a movie until 8-845. 9 -10 is winding down and getting ready for bed. By around 930 im so tired my eyes water and im struggling to not fall asleep, or ill wake up way too early. Occasionally, I may wind up taking a nap for an hour or two, but still im in bed by 11 on those nights. Don't get me wrong, i enjoy where i am working though at a month out, still havent done my job yet. (training)
Yet outside my inner monologue, people see me smiling every day, making dinner some nights, and visiting with friends and enjoying my daily routine. Further each day from who i feel like i should be, from how i feel i should be living and each day further away from a chance to fix that. I cannot abandon this road, now two depend on me. One would have been impossible but with two its not even a consideration. So I stay the course and do the one thing I know I am good at, surviving. Gods I hate being tired. I sound so emo..