wooness.
ok so I really should stop using this as a place to spill all the shit that's going round in my brain, but I need to do it again, so here goes (sorry if this bores anybody)...ok, so I mentioned my friend Becca from Walsall - I've been sort of seeing her for about 4 weeks. well actually its 4 weeks yesterday, but anyway. she's had trouble in the past with guys, so understandably enough she's reluctant to tell her parents. and, so it would seem, most of her friends. which I spose is ok (here comes the paranoia) so she meets this guy on faceparty who she knew from school like 5 years ago, and she has started sneaking around to meet him - his name's Alun, by the way - and she actually seems to want to try and get her parents to accept him, as for reasons I wont go into she has a hard time with her parents and her friends. which is all well and good, and its fine...but here comes whats pissed me off - I asked her to come up for new year. we were trying to think of a way she could get here, and we didnt...and she didnt seem to care. which I got over, as I had a kick ass new year. anyway...the way she talks about this dude (who she was with on new year) really made me worried. she assured me that there was nothing there. and I know as a result of having semi serious relationships with two people who were NOT right for me at all, I have some trust issues, which I am really trying to get over. and I thought I had. and I feel like an asshole, I mean I do trust her but the distance thing is so hard...and now she thinks she might want to be friends...because the distance thing is too much (yeah ok so thats true) - and its fine, or it would be if she actually acted like she cared about seeing me. I am desperate to get driving so I can go and see her. (which is another thing thats bothering me - mum really doesnt seem to care if I get my license this year or not, as she wont take me for any practice, like ever-still, shes under a lot of stress right now) and also...I like someone else. my pen friend, Marcia, is one of them...and I'm being set up with someone here...not to mention someone I like from work. wow, so I am an asshole. and I feel stupid for feeling pretty much all of this but I need to sort myself out because everything is confusing me right now, and well just generally screwing my head up. we have found dad's will, which is causing me and Mum even more stress, because it's an old one (1988, to be precise) and it doesnt reflect dads recent wishes...I dont know, I'm still not sure whats happening there. but it looks like that's gonna take ages to get sorted, and I am worried about mum.
*chris thinks*
added to which are the usual worries of Maths, money, and well...ok everything. plus the usual thoughts of "what the fuck am I doing with myself"...and feeling like this is fucking me off, soo badly, because nothing I ever try to do ever goes right (or it doesnt seem to) and I just seem to alienate people...well ok I'm talking specifically about Becca but hey...I do feel happy sometimes about some things but doesnt happen often and I'm constantly searching for ways to pursue my interests to keep my mind from dwelling on all this...ok anyway I've rambled on too much. ironing now. woohooness. and I have to call Becca too, oh god what an evening!
*chris thinks*
added to which are the usual worries of Maths, money, and well...ok everything. plus the usual thoughts of "what the fuck am I doing with myself"...and feeling like this is fucking me off, soo badly, because nothing I ever try to do ever goes right (or it doesnt seem to) and I just seem to alienate people...well ok I'm talking specifically about Becca but hey...I do feel happy sometimes about some things but doesnt happen often and I'm constantly searching for ways to pursue my interests to keep my mind from dwelling on all this...ok anyway I've rambled on too much. ironing now. woohooness. and I have to call Becca too, oh god what an evening!